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Guy Valentine’s Day

March Madness is here.  Conan loves college hoops almost as much as he loves football.  Or wait, does he love it more?  I’m not sure.  :)

I grew up in a very non-sports family.  We did not play sports and we did not watch them, either.  I knew nothing about sports.  PE was torture for me.  Learning (or not learning) to play basketball in high school was a disaster.  Don’t even mention “pivot foot” to me!  GRRRRRRRRRRR!  I simply could not understand it.  Since I’m 5’10″ people were always asking me if I played basketball.  Um, no.  It’s actually laughable.  I can’t throw, catch, hit, pitch, kick or whatever else there is to do with a ball.   The closest I got to sports was being a cheerleader.  I know you’re thinking, how could she be a cheerleader and know nothing about sports?  First of all, my abilities as a cheerleader were questionable, and it would have been a mistake for me to pick out the cheers (my favorite cheer was “sack that quarterback.”  I had no idea what a quarterback was, and I didn’t know what it meant to sack one.  Whenever I’d ask if we could do that cheer, the other girls would say, NO, we have the ball!  Well, what’s that got to do with it???), secondly I couldn’t do the splits or a cartwheel, but I had a big smile and was very enthusiastic and adored it and had more fun than a girl should be allowed being a cheerleader.

Anyway, when Conan and I got married I had no idea what a sports fan he was.  I certainly didn’t know what March Madness was!  It took me a few years, but  I finally started recognizing, Oh, it’s that March thing again!  The time when I’m not allowed to speak for fear that Conan will miss something those guys on ESPN say.  (This was before DVR,  But even now I’m not allowed to be noisy when they’re doing whatever it is they do during the month of March.)  The time for “Brackets” and “Final Four” and games on TV day and night and boys crying on the court when they lose (which breaks my heart) and things being thrown at the TV when the wrong team wins (before the plasma.  No one is allowed to throw anything even remotely in the direction of the plasma!)

What does this have to do with Guy Valentine’s Day?  Nothing!  :)  It’s just all there used to be in March.  A few years ago I discovered something much more fun that happens in March.  March 14th, Guy Valentine’s Day, otherwise known as Steak and Blowjob Day. (Steakandbjday.com)  Oh, yes!  It’s a real day.  I’m not including the link to the official site because although the home page is tame and you won’t get hit with any porn there, you will find porn links on at least one of their side links.  So go there at your own risk.  If you do go there, be sure to watch their little video.  It is absolutely hysterical!  (And safe.) They also have some naughty little cards you can print out to surprise your man with.  Ribald little rhymes that are very funny but a little TOO risque to put an example here. (You can safely click on their card link without getting any porn.)

When I first heard of it, I surprised Conan with one of those little cards and a bottle of flavored lube and then served him a delicious rib eye steak and mashed potatoes dinner.  mmmmm.  Then…..He enjoyed his “Guy Valentine’s Day”!  And we’ve been celebrating it ever since.  I’ve told all my girlfriends about this day. (Well, all my bunco friends, anyway.  My church friends and I are not on that intimate of terms.  I am going visiting teaching today…maybe…well, no, never mind!)

So now March is fun for Conan in two ways.  March Madness and Steak and BJ Day.  And I get a big kick out of this little “holiday” and get so pleased with myself over my awesomeness that I can ignore all that basketball all month long!

Oral Sex for Me, Part III

I’ve been scared of oral sex.  Specifically, of having oral sex performed on me.  Even though I used to ONLY orgasm through oral sex, it would take quite awhile for me to achieve orgasm, and I didn’t like it (go figure).  Not just that it took too long, but I was self-conscious about it.  I had a negative opinion of my body, especially my vulva.  I thought there was no possible way giving cunnilingus could be enjoyable, and was something for a man to tolerate, at best.  Conan and I stopped doing that years ago, since we were able to bring me to orgasm so much more effectively and pleasurably through manual stimulation.

A couple years ago I stumbled across a website called The Marriage Bed.  There’s a great forum there, and I found it very interesting to read about what other people were saying/doing.  I was pretty amazed by all the men who waxed poetic about giving their wives oral sex.  How much they love their wife’s vulva and everything about it, the sight, scent, feel, taste, everything.  They especially like giving their wives pleasure in that way.  I started thinking about it.  I started feeling like I might be missing out on something great!  I began to examine my emotions and mental attitude towards it.  I took a good look at myself with a different mindset and decided that I was beautiful there, just like everywhere else.  Then I decided that I wanted it.

After talking about it (and blogging about it!) Conan told me he was going to do it!  He called me up one day and told me exactly what he was going to do to me that night.  YIKES!  As I said in Part  II of this trilogy, I was very, very nervous!    Well, that night it didn’t happen.  Too much pressure to perform on both our parts, I believe, and things felt stilted and contrived.  But just knowing that he was going to do it was a good thing.

So one night, after a short while, with no prompting or blogging (ha ha!) from me, Conan just slid down and began.  It felt as natural as breathing.   I was completely comfortable and confident in myself and in him.   It was lovely.  We both went into it with no intention of me having an orgasm, as my lovely reader, CM, advised.  Well, within a matter of minutes, I was responding and orgasming.  (I hope that is not too much detail!)   And after Conan finished with oral, I continued to respond to other things and had even more orgasms.

A little later, I wanted to analyse it and dissect it.  That drives Conan NUTS!  But he relented and answered my questions and talked about it.  He liked the lack of hair there.  I had no taste.  He liked that I wasn’t all self-conscious and freaked out.  His jaw got tired, ha ha!!  I liked a few things he did that I did NOT like years ago.  In fact, I liked them A LOT.  We were both very surprised at the speed and intensity with which I responded.   I guess it’s true that our biggest sex organ is our brain.  It sure seems like it in this situation!

Conan likes to say that if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.  Well, I don’t feel like adding cunnilingus to our sex life is fixing what isn’t broken, it’s adding to a wonderful thing!

So now, I said to Conan, I want to do 69.  But you don’t like that, Conan answered.  We both laughed!

Oral Sex for Me, Part II

Conan called me from work to tell me one thing.  In his usual blunt and to the point fashion, he said, “Honey, I just called to tell you that tonight I’m  going to !

In other words, he’s going to do what I have requested.  So now I’m nervous!!  Have I built something up in my mind that can’t be lived up to?  What if I freeze up and can’t orgasm at all?  What if he forgot how to do it and is no good at it?  Will he keep trying until we get it right?  Maybe I should buy him the book “She Comes First”, first.  Maybe I should tell him to just forget it.

Good grief, why does this have to be so complicated?  We’ve been married for almost 24 years, for goodness sake!  Haven’t we shared everything?  Haven’t we seen everything?  Yes and yes.  Why have I built this up in my mind to be this complicated thing?  It’s not like this isn’t happening somewhere to someone at any given moment!

Giving a guy oral sex is a piece of cake.  There’s not much to it, really, since his parts are pretty simple.   And beyond that, I KNOW he likes it.  I know I like it.  I’m pretty darn good at it if I do say so myself.   The other night Conan grabbed my hair and pushed me firmly down because he knew what he wanted and he was going to get it.  I have ZERO problem with that.  I like it when he does that!  So why can’t I do the same?  Because being the receiver instead of the giver is harder than it sounds.  It makes me feel vulnerable.  It makes me feel self-conscious and exposed.  I don’t like to feel any of those things.

I think I need to GET OVER IT!  Take a chill pill and calm down.

I don’t mean to sit here and over-analyze this, but this is one more way to remove invisible barriers from between us.  To increase trust and closeness.  To show and feel love for EVERY PART  of each other.

I guess I’m telling you all this to say that even though I feel like Conan and I have a wonderful marriage and sex life there are areas in our life together where we are still growing.  Where I am still growing.  We don’t have it all together.  But we are working at that.  We’ll get there someday.  It’s a good thing we’ve had years together and by the Grace of God we’ll have many more years to get it together.  And tonight will be a good place to start.

Oral Sex for Me

Just a little caution with this post.  I may be more explicit than some are comfortable with.

Black Iris, Georgia O'Keeffe

I have one thing to say before I start into the subject of my post.  And that is about “The Letter” from 1982.   If you don’t know what this “letter” is, don’t worry about it.  Forget it.  I have been a member of  the church my entire life, and never heard about this letter until just a few short months ago.  I can find no reference to it AT ALL on lds.org.   I got my temple recommend almost six years ago now, and nothing at all was mentioned in my temple prep classes about it, and nothing was mentioned in my temple recommend interview about it.  If this was church policy, people would be hearing  about it.  If it was a sin that could keep you from the temple, people would be hearing about it.  What about all the new converts since this letter?  All of them are happily going about their lives, quite a few probably having great oral sex, with no idea that some of the older members of the church are convinced that it’s a sin.   The church stays out of our bedrooms.  The marriage bed is undefiled (see Hebrews 13:4).  That’s all I have to say about it.   On to the post!

As you may know, Conan was not my first.  But even though I have a slightly checkered past, my experience with oral sex could just as easily be with one partner.  Anyway, my first boyfriend performed oral sex on me, and that turned out to be the only way I could orgasm.   Here’s the rub, I didn’t like it.  I was extremely self conscious of my look and scent.

I thought my vulva looked ugly.   Now, I’d seen some porn and all I knew was that my vulva didn’t look like the vulvas on those women.  So I didn’t like mine.  Well, here’s something no one ever told me.  Those women have every little hair waxed off from front to back, sometimes with the exception of a small strip in the front called a “landing strip”.    And the hairs that don’t come off with the wax get plucked out by hand by someone VERY  up close and personal.    That may be common knowledge in 2011, but back in 1984, before the internet, how would a sheltered girl from a small town know such a thing?   I certainly didn’t.

Well, anyway, if I ever did orgasm, it was through oral sex, so I put up with it.  The ends justify the means, that sort of thing!

My next boyfriend, The Boyfriend, did not want to do oral sex on me.  It was definitely all about him.  See my “Gasp, Swallowing” post.  Anyway, in one of his more “giving” moments, he decided he was going to bring me to orgasm manually.  It didn’t happen.  But the fact that he didn’t want to do oral sex on me just reinforced my negative opinion and attitude about it.

Hello, Conan the Barbarian!  Conan at least willingly did what I needed to be satisfied, but I think I projected some of my negativity onto him.  I thought he didn’t like it.  I think I may have conditioned Conan to not like it, and I reinforced my own conditioning that it wasn’t a good thing.  He used to comment about lingering scents in his mustache (in a good way, by the way).  I told him how gross  I thought that was.   I think I may have talked him into feeling like it wasn’t very good.   Conan being Conan, he kept working at pleasing me in other ways until he had mastered the art of manual stimulation and then we completely stopped doing oral sex for me, because I was just so much more comfortable with manual stimulation and it was so much easier for me to orgasm.

This may be far out of some people’s comfort zones, but one of the things we really enjoy doing is switching back and forth from intercourse to my giving Conan oral sex and back again.  I got the idea to do this when I saw how much Conan liked it when I would suck his fingers after he touched me.  If he liked that so much, how much more would he like oral after intercourse?  Answer:  A lot.  When I started doing that, of course I was going to experience my own taste and scent.  I discovered that it is not bad, not gross, not disgusting.    I would say it’s actually very nice.

Then I found an interesting forum on the internet, TheMarriageBed.com, and some of the threads wax poetic about oral sex for her.  Women love it.  Men love it.  To hear them talk about it, you’d think it was the best thing in the world!  Okay, so now I want to experience this “best thing in the world” for myself.   Trouble is, I can’t quite bring myself to actually do it.  I still cringe at the thought that maybe Conan won’t enjoy it.  I think if my mental attitude is not right, then even if it feels good I’m not going to like it.

(I even bought a waxing kit and am ready to rip all the hair out of my vulva to make it more appealing.  Except that I’m just a little chicken.  Waxing the bikini line and shaving some bits  is one thing, waxing those bits is quite another.  YIKES!)

I’ve talked to Conan a bit about this.  He thinks I just need to not worry about what other people are doing, that what we are doing works for us.   He thinks I obsess over things and have spent too much time on TheMarriageBed.com. ( He just may be right about that, by the way.  I”m like a dog with a bone.)   I say, well, what if it’s good now?  What if I like it now?  He does say it’s not his favorite thing, but he’d be more than willing if he thought that I liked it as much as manual stimulation.  Well, I just want to try it again!  We’ve been married a long time, lots of our likes and dislikes have changed, more than just sexually, and I’m thinking this just might be one of those things.   Maybe.  I just cannot get over the mental block that Conan doesn’t like it and won’t like it and then it’s ruined for me.   Then I get all self-conscious just THINKING about it and that’s an orgasm shut-down if there ever was one.  I keep telling myself, tonight I’m going to ask for it.  Tonight comes and goes and I don’t ask.  I get as nervous as if I’m about to sing a solo in church, ha ha!  HOWEVER, I do sing solos in church, and I sound quite lovely, if I do say so myself.  If I can do that, surely I can ask my husband to give me oral sex, to experiment, to keep at it until I’m comfortable with it.  And then maybe it can be a part of what we do sometimes.  I want to make our already wonderful sex life even better.  I want to experience all there is to experience with Conan.   I just have to ask.

That was going to be the end of my post, but here’s something I just discovered, this minute, about myself!   “LIGHT BULB MOMENT!”  I don’t want to ask.  I want Conan to just do it.   With enthusiasm.  Not taking no for an answer.  Hey, I sound exactly like the guys who wish their wives would give them oral sex once in awhile without being asked!   Wow, am I gaining some empathy here!

My advice to myself is:  I’m just going to have to relax and ask.  Relax, Zookie, and ASK!  I’m pretty sure that eventually I won’t have to ask any more.    ‘Cause Conan is just that awesome.

Gasp, swallowing!

As you might know from previous posts, I was sexually active before marriage.  My first boyfriend convinced me to go ahead and do it.  I wasn’t spiritually strong or emotionally strong, so I went ahead.  I didn’t even feel guilty about it.  But that’s another post.  Anyway, when I did oral sex on him I did not swallow.  I really didn’t want to do it, so I didn’t.

Fast forward to my college boyfriend.  I told him I didn’t want to swallow, but the first time I gave him oral sex he held my head down while he climaxed so it did go in my mouth.  I rushed to the sink and spit it out and rinsed my mouth, protesting all the way.  He laughed and laughed.  I was a bit obsessed with this guy and would do ANYTHING to hang on to him.  So from that point forward, I swallowed.  Oral sex was his favorite thing.  He wasn’t actually all that good in bed, looking back.  I never even orgasmed with him.  Not once.  But he loved for me to give him oral sex.  And since I wanted him SO MUCH, I did that for him all the time.  And I swallowed.  I disliked it.  I gagged.  I threw up in my mouth and then just swallowed it all.  All to keep this boy with me.

Rabbit trail:  I love performing oral sex and I always have.  I love the feel of it.  I love the look of it.  I could/can do it for a looonng time.   It is incredibly arousing to ME to perform oral sex.   It really gets me going.   It’s the swallowing that is not so appealing.

Back to story:  Well, I finally came to my senses and broke it off with The Boyfriend.  That was because I had met this wonderful guy who soon became my husband.   My husband and I did not wait for marriage to have sex.  He was not a member, and I was about as inactive as you can get.   Anyway,  I had been swallowing for The Boyfriend, so I continued my practice of swallowing.  And I continued to hate it.

Fast forward a few years into our marriage and I had had enough.  I was starting to mature and grow and gain self esteem and confidence in myself.  I had told Conan (that’s the DH.  Conan, as in Conan the Barbarian.) about The Boyfriend and swallowing.  So he knew that story.  And one day I said, I don’t like doing this, I am NOT going to do it anymore.  I will not continue to do something like this just because I feel it’s expected of me.  My subconscious was saying, “I will not do this to ‘keep your love’ “.  So that was that.  It wasn’t about him.  It was all about me.  I don’t care if I’ve always done it, I don’t care how much you like it, I don’t care.  The Swallowing Ride is closed  for business.

Years go by.  Conan:  Please swallow tonight, honey!  Z: NO!  Blech!   Conan:  Boy I wish you would swallow!  Z: Give it up already!

My best friend and I teach each other about men, sex and marriage.  We talk and give advice and tips on how to have better sex and better marriages.  She’s told me many times that anytime she wants something she just gives her DH a blow job and she gets it!  Well, there was something I really, really wanted Conan to do.  I batted my lashes.  I pleaded.  I cajoled.  I reasoned.  I got angry.  I pouted.  I spouted facts, figures, and speculation. Weeks went by.  Conan the Barbarian is one stubborn man.  Then I got desperate.  And I said, “Conan, if you will just _____ for one month, I will *gasp* swallow.”

(Cue angels singing and bright light)  Conan:  Okay, honey, I’ll do it.  Amazing.  So the  deal was that for every month that Conan did ______, I would give him a blow job with a happy ending.  Here is where I learned the power of good motivation.  Conan did _______ for FOUR MONTHS.   Now I had to put my money where my mouth was, so to speak.  (Just got the pun!  Ha ha ha!!!)  I was dreading it!  Why, oh, why did I ever agree to such a thing?  I never thought he’d actually DO it!  I’m all talk and no action.   But I promised!  And he did what I asked him to do and he DID NOT want to do it.   Oh, no, oh, no, I can’t get out of this.  I’m STUCK.  Sigh.  I resigned myself and with great trepidation I said, okay, Conan, tonight’s the night.  Conan:  Yeah, baby!

Okay, here we go.  Put on a happy face, girl, you can’t look like you’re about to eat jellied cow brains!  (Fade to black.)

Next scene:  Hey, that was not horrible.  It wasn’t like creme brulee or chocolate cheesecake, but it wasn’t horrible.  I guess it wasn’t so bad.  Huh.  Boy, he really liked it.  Conan:  Wow, babe, that was awesome.  You are incredible.  You are the sexiest, most wonderful thing on the planet.  I love you soooooo much.                                                              Us:  basking in the glow, mmmmmmmmm.                                                                            Back to reality:  Conan:  Now don’t forget you owe me three more.

That was a few years ago, and I found something out.  When I CHOOSE to do something of my own free will, with love and affection and a giving spirit in my heart, I want and like to do it.   When I get back everything I give and more, it’s very worth it.  When I do something for the right reasons, I love it.   I sure do love Conan.  And now I swallow whenever I want to do something nice for Conan.  Sometimes it’s spontaneous and sometimes I plan ahead.  Sometimes it’s a special request from Conan.

What am I getting at?  Oral sex and swallowing is a gift no one but you can give your husband.  NO ONE else.  It’s special and giving and loving and just between the two of you.  And it is not as bad as you might think it is.  You might even like it.