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All Your Ducks in a Row

Okay, my friends, let’s try this again.  I was having technical difficulties when this post mistakenly popped up half done the other day.

Today I was looking at the pictures I posted of me in my new, hot shoes.  Do you think that I was just looking at the shoes and how hot they are?  Well, no.  I’m a woman, so here’s what I saw.  “OMG, I need to vacuum that rug! Oh, no!  My baseboard is all scuffed and needs to be cleaned!  How embarrassing!  Look at those floors.  They could use a good wash and shine.”  Then I went downstairs and physically looked at the walls, floors, and baseboards, and came to the conclusion that I need to go on the show Horders, Buried Alive, because omg, What A Mess!

Women can be very task oriented.  We have A List.  We have Thinks To Do.  And we don’t understand why you guys don’t have the same priorities.  Why can’t you guys see All There Is To Do?  You want to do what?  Wait, the dishes aren’t done!  There’s laundry in the dryer!  I didn’t vacuum today!  I’m not ready.  I can’t relax when there are dishes in the sink.  So you talk us into it anyway, and we are trying to get into it but can’t shut the bedroom door on the dishes.  They’re out there, as persistent as any child saying, “Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom”, over and over, and they’re saying, “Come wash me, come wash me!  You horrible housekeeper, you, how can you leave me dirty in the sink??  All this food is going to be stuck on me in the morning!”  For all you ladies shuddering over leaving dishes in the sink overnight, and for my grandmother rolling over in her grave, don’t think I’m advocating it, haha!  It’s just an example.  In fact, it could very easily be something much less significant, like today’s mail.  But it’s on The List, and it’s Not Done.

So we can’t relax and enjoy.  Then we get resentful.  “Well, if he cared for me one iota, he’d know I can’t do this when there are dishes in the sink.  Oh, that man!”  And our husband thinks, “Why would she want to do DISHES instead of sex?  How can doing dishes possibly rate as a higher priority????”

Lots of people want all their ducks in a row before they do anything.  Especially something that might be considered nonessential or even just for fun.  For example, I have this cross stitch I’ve been working on.  For 15 years.  It sits there and mocks me, “ha ha ha, you’ll never be caught up enough work on me again, let alone finish me.”  It’s the very symbol of my ineptitude as a housekeeper and a mother.  Every time I see it I feel inadequate.  Now, I would enjoy doing that cross stitch, but I’ve put it last on my list.  I’ll do it after (insert multiple tasks here). I know what you’re thinking, well, she’s doing this blog, she must have some free time.  Okay, so maybe I don’t LOVE cross stitching.  Maybe I hate it.  Did I just say I would enjoy doing it?  I think I meant I would enjoy getting it done and then burning it.  So there it is, half done, mocking me.  Can any of you relate?   I’d rather scrub toilets than work on that cross stitch.  Better, I’d rather have sex 24/7 than work on that %!*# cross stitch.  In fact, I’m going to go throw it out right now!

…..

Okay, it’s in the garbage, but it’s screaming at me to get it out.  Will power, I need will power!   Moving on…where was I going with this???  I’m not sure–I’ll make it work somehow.

We have all these tasks to do during the day.  And if we don’t do them, it’s just going to be worse tomorrow.  And we are thinking, okay, after I get my list all crossed off, I’ll want to have sex.  After everything is just right, then I’ll feel like I can relax and enjoy.  Or even, fine, if I must put sex on my list, it’s going at the bottom of it.  It can wait.  Well, it really CAN’T wait.  The thing is, the dishes the laundry, the mail, all those tasks are recurring.  They’ll NEVER truly be done.  Our List will never be crossed off completely.  And the hour you could have spent loving your spouse can never be regained.  I’ll do it later is not a good strategy for your love life.  And just think–if you’re the person being put at the bottom of the list, under dishes, cleaning the toilet or going through the junk mail,  how horrible that must feel!

There are just certain things that have to be prioritized.  And sex is one of them.  If your List is calling, calling, calling you, you’ve got to do your best to ignore it for an hour or so at least a few days a week.  I think you’ll feel better for it!  I mean, really, orgasm or dishes?  Hmmm, that’s a tough one!  Um, I’ll take the orgasms, thank you!

So ignore that stupid cross stitch yelling at you from the garbage!  Oh!  I mean the endless List of tasks we have.  And spend some fun time with your spouse.  If you have to put it on the list so that it’ll get done, put it on the list.  At the top!  That’s something you won’t regret.

 

Expected Sex

What does your husband want for his birthday?  The average, red blooded male wants SEX!  I’m pretty sure that’s what he wants for Valentines Day, Father’s Day, your wedding anniversary, Christmas and New Year’s.

Why is it hard for some of us to give our husbands what they want for these events?  This is the question our guys just can’t figure out.  First of all, you don’t have to shop for it.  Secondly, it’s FREE!  Plus, it’s what they really want!  Most importantly, it’s a gift that gives back, in a very nice way.

Oh, sure, there are other things that you don’t have to shop for and are free, like making a coupon for free hugs and backrubs (with no happy ending, I mean) or his favorite dinner or something, but I’m going to go out on a limb and say that a coupon for a free hug is not gonna cut it!  (The dinner will be appreciated, though, I’m sure!)  Anyway, I remember a time when expected sex just made me more standoffish than ever.  It really irritated me to think that I was expected to put out at those times.  That’s why I’ve written about being sexually giving, enthusiastically giving, etc., because I clearly remember when I wasn’t any of those things.  I was selfish.  I could not or did not care about Conan’s feelings, or, more kindly, didn’t understand and didn’t try to understand his feelings.   Recently, I’ve been somewhat on the receiving end of this.  I’m debating whether or not to blog about it–someday, maybe.  But I will tell you I know how it feels, now.  And that feeling is NOT GOOD AT ALL.  A big hug, little smooch and a “Happy [fill in the day], honey, I love you,” even if you mean it, before rolling over and going to sleep is small consolation for rejection.    That won’t make your spouse feel loved and cherished.  Actions speak louder than words.

If you love giving gifts, if your spouse loves receiving gifts, that’s great!  Go out and shop your little heart out.  But if what he or she really wants is to make love to you or be made love to, make that their number one present!

I’m going to give you a pass on Christmas Eve.  Especially if you’re like me and are up wrapping gifts ’til 3:00 a.m.  while your husband peacefully slumbers, allowing you to do all the work.  (I’m not sure Conan has ever wrapped a gift in his entire life, truthfully.)  Anyway, after an eventful day of last minute shopping, cooking, family gatherings, wrestling with kids to get them to go to bed, and THEN wrapping the gifts, all this girl wants is my fluffy pillow and sleep!!!  (Yes, if I was Ms. Superwoman and had all my gifts wrapped and ready to go beforehand, I could go to bed with my husband.  Ms. Superwoman I”m not.  Maybe this year–I still have a few days.)  You do not get a pass if your husband helps you with everything and you go to bed before midnight, haha!

Do you want sex in celebration of holidays and major events like anniversaries and birthdays?  Do you give sex for those events?  Why or why not?

Merry Christmas!

Dr. Laura Saved My Marriage

A good friend of mine recommended I listen to the Dr. Laura Schlessinger Show, oh, I’d say at least 15 years ago, now.  I began listening to her and really loved her.  I really enjoy her no nonsense style and what she says makes sense.  I listened to her because I always wanted to be a SAHM, and she was and is a huge proponent of SAHMs.  She was talking about and encouraging women to do just want I wanted to do and be, so I kept listening.   What I didn’t know is that Dr. Laura is also a huge proponent for MEN.  She gets them.  She hears from a lot of them.  And she knows how to make them happy.

I enjoy Dr. Laura’s website and reading the letters she gets from listeners.  While I was happily taking in all the letters from SAHMs, I would come across a letter from a man who wasn’t getting enough sex from his wife.  Since that didn’t concern me, I would read the letters, but not really GET them, if you know what I mean.  Same with her radio program.  I heard husbands talking about their wives refusing them, but I wasn’t really listening.   Along came The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands.  I thought, you know, I should read that book.  Dr. Laura seems to know a lot about being a good wife.  So I bought the book.  I read it.  I liked it.  I understood it.  But it didn’t really sink in.  I read it again.  Still good.  Still didn’t sink in.  I read it for the third time and became aware that I ought to actually be following her advice, not just reading about her advice!   It was around that time that all the letters to Dr. Laura I’d read, the calls to Dr. Laura I’d heard and the advice in her book came together and I GOT IT!!!

  • Don’t deny yourself a good orgasm.
  • But do I have to even if…?  Even if.
  • But my body’s not perfect!  Your husband doesn’t want you to have a perfect body. He just wants your naked body pressed against him.  
  • Stop saying no and start saying yes.
  • Be your husband’s girlfriend or someone else will.
  • Don’t put him off until he decides he’s had enough, because when the kids are all up and out, so will he be.
  • If he’s not horny, make him a sandwich (Conan’s favorite!).
  • You have the power in the relationship to make your husband worship the ground you walk on and swim through shark infested waters to bring you a lemonade.
  • Your husband wants and needs your love, admiration and respect.  He also needs sex with you.
  • YOU start being more sexual and then he’ll be more loving, giving, devoted, etc.  You CANNOT wait for him to be more (fill in the blank) and then be more sexual.  It’s up to you, the wife.

And then she said something profound on her program one day.  I clearly remember exactly where I was in my car when I heard her say it.  She said, and I’m paraphrasing here, “If you are refusing and withholding sex you are breaking your marriage vows just as surely as if you were committing adultery.”  It stopped me cold.  (Not literally, I was driving!) That struck me to the core.

And it was then and there that I really, truly changed.   Everything was not perfect overnight, and things had been steadily improving, but this was the catalyst that put that improvement into mach speed.

Many, many things I say here on this blog I can attribute to Dr. Laura in some way.  I owe her a great deal.  Dr. Laura literally saved my marriage.
p.s.  Conan likes her because she has a Harley and a tattoo.  HA!

But I’m Not In the Mood

But I’m not in the mood.  Shouldn’t I feel horny first?

This is what I think is one of the biggest misconceptions there is about married sex.  No!  You don’t need to feel horny first.  In fact, I’m sure most of you know that for women especially, arousal comes after things get started, and usually not before.  That can be the case for a man, as well.  I wonder if there are many men who start out just to please their wife and not become aroused at some point?

Do you ever do something even though you don’t feel like it?  What’s your attitude about it?   If you go into it with a good attitude, you’re more likely to feel good about it after the task is done.  And the people around you can tell the difference between something done grudgingly and something done cheerfully.  Sex works in a similar way.  You can bless your spouse with the gift of your willing, loving body, even when you don’t feel like it.  But don’t go into it like you’re about to get a root canal.  I suggest you put everything you can into it.   If you can’t get into it physically, get into it emotionally.  Remember how much you love your husband.  You know how to put on a happy face to do any number of things you don’t feel like doing.  But you do them, don’t you, because to not do it would hurt someone’s feelings or let someone down or cause someone stress and anxiety.  Who is THE most important person in your life?  If you answered your spouse, like I did, then we should all be doing everything we can to make our spouses happy.   A regular, average guy will feel so good and be so happy when he’s having his sexual needs met that it will spill over into his everyday life and he will treat you like a queen.

Yes, there were plenty of times when I didn’t feel like it.  And I said no many, many times more than  I said yes.  For a long time.  Because I didn’t feel like it, okay?  It’s my body, and I don’t have to do anything with it  that I don’t want to do, right?  He’s just being selfish and inconsiderate.  I am upset, angry, stressed, etc.  He won’t die, for heaven’s sake.  (No, you won’t die without sex.  But your marriage will.)  Giving myself some credit, there were lots of times I said yes, too.  Many times I would say yes, even though I didn’t feel like it, and I would end up having a great time.  Many times I would say yes when I didn’t feel like it, and have an okay time.  And yes, sometimes I’d say yes when I didn’t feel like it and feel, well, not a whole heck of a lot.   And sometimes, sometimes I wouldn’t like it at all.  I don’t say this to hurt Conan, but it is what it is, and I’m sure there are people who can relate to what I’m saying.  And very occasionally I’d do a hand job to tide Conan over for a while longer.   (Frankly, I would have rather have quickie sex than give an obligatory hand job.  It was  just easier for me.)  And at that time blow jobs were few and far between, and certainly no swallowing!  (I explain all that in   http://sexandtheldswoman.wordpress.com/2011/04/18/gasp-swallowing/ )

Then the day came that I made a commitment to myself that I would never say no again.  That I would be available no matter what.  And that I would put my all into every sexual encounter we had.  And because Conan is such a wonderful, considerate, caring lover, I got out of it as much as I put into it.   And practice makes perfect.  In the last 7 years there have only been a handful of times that Conan and I have had sex when I have not had at least one orgasm.  I can attribute every one of those times to a quickie for Conan just before he leaves for work or something.  I count those times as foreplay, because they always leave me hanging, so to speak, and so we continue that night.

I’ve discovered something about myself.  I don’t like rejection.  I don’t like to be told no.  And I don’t mean no in general (although I don’t necessarily like that, either!),  I mean no to sex in particular.   It’s not like a rejection of an activity.  It’s like a rejection of self.  It’s not like being told no, I can’t come to your Christmas party, or no, I can’t sub for you in Primary next Sunday.  It’s like being told no, I don’t want to give and be given the most intimate, personal, vulnerable part of yourself, and,  no, I don’t want to experience the greatest pleasure there is with you, and no, I don’t care if it hurts you.  I”m sure there are people who can articulate this better than I can.  People who are married to refusers and withholders are made of sterner stuff than I.  I have only been told no to sex a handful of times in my marriage, and it’s a painful sting.  I can’t imagine the pain of constant rejection like that.  It makes me feel horrible for all the pain I inflicted on my darling Conan.  I was BLIND to it.  And what I wasn’t blind to, I IGNORED and pretended it was ALL HIS PROBLEM.  Because, you see, I wasn’t “in the mood”, so, too bad, so sad for him.

I made a conscious decision to be in the mood when approached.  And then to be in the mood and do the approaching.  It took awhile, but after a time it became a non-issue for us.

Not in the mood?  Don’t let that stop you.  Either of you.   You can always be in the mood to give and care for your spouse the way no one else can.

Initiating

Conan got burned, denied, rejected, one too many times in our marriage.   The dice did not often land in his favor for a time.  And when he no longer had to push and push to get me to have sex with him, he stopped a lot of his initiating.

Now, In spite of me initiating regularly, telling him I’ll always be available, even telling him that he can wake me up in the night anytime he wants, he is still a bit gun shy.  So the other morning when he initiated, he mentioned that he was a little worried that I would say no.   And he still just tells me the next day that he woke up with an erection the night before, but didn’t want to bother me, figured I’d be too tired, or would just push him out of bed or something!  Every time he tells me that, I  tell him that next time he needs to wake me up.   He has only taken me up on my offer a handful of times.

I know he is supposed to be the main initiator in the relationship, but I do believe that a person can only take so much rejection.   And some emotional wounds leave scars.  Conan knows I won’t say no to him anymore.  I asked him how he felt about that and he said “Really great!”  (He’s so eloquent.)  He knows it intellectually and it makes him feel great, but I’m not sure when all that is going to completely overtake the years of no, maybe, not tonight, I’ll think about it, etc.  Don’t get me wrong, he does initiate, but it sometimes makes him nervous.  (Don’t tell him I told you that, ha ha!)  As time goes by he initiates more and more.  But I also don’t wait for him to initiate.  If he hasn’t for a few days, I take action.

So do men want their wives to initiate sex?  Yeah, I think so.  Perhaps not all the time, but at least one or two out of ten times, maybe more if they’ve been burned in the past.  More importantly, do they want their wives to accept them and say yes?  Yep, I know so.  Even big strong men need love, affirmation and acceptance.  They just might not word it exactly that way!  I think reacting warmly and positively to his advances is just as important and probably more so than initiating.

Oh, and one more thing:  Initiating makes me feel seeexxxyyyyyyyyy.  :)

Excuses, excuses

What have you done to get out of sex?   These are things I’ve done/said to get out of sex.

  • I’m tired
  • Have to get up early
  • We just had sex, didn’t we?
  • How can you be horny again already?
  • Stay downstairs watching TV and sneak in after he’s been asleep awhile
  • Stay downstairs doing ANYTHING and sneak in after he’s been asleep awhile
  • The kids might hear
  • I’m not in the mood
  • I’m stressed out
  • I want to watch TV
  • I want to read this book
  • I have too much to do
  • Fall asleep in child’s bed, come to bed really  late
  • Fall asleep watching TV, come to bed really late
  • I don’t feel good
  • I don’t feel an emotional connection
  • I don’t feel like being touched
  • I didn’t want to wake you up
  • I feel pressured
  • You only want me for sex
  • I’m fat
  • I have PMS
  • I just can’t get into it
  • Stop it
  • Quit it
  • No
  • Do you ever think about anything else
  • Fine, but let’s make it quick, okay
  • I’m not like porn girls
  • I’m in a bad mood
And the number one way to get out of sex, DRUM ROLL PLEASE,
START A HUGE FIGHT and/or be completely cold and aloof.
These are all things I’ve done to get out of sex.  They are all WRONG, and very bad for a marriage.
Take my advice, ladies, Do NOT Do This!  If you love your husband and want your marriage to last, do the exact opposite of this list.  And if these things are symptomatic of other problems in your marriage, STILL do the exact opposite of this list.
Today in Relief Society our lesson was on loving family relationships.  The focus was on mothering, but we did touch on the marital relationship.  We discussed that parents love and support each other.  That the greatest gift you can give your children is to love your spouse.  That we should work on being less selfish.  I raised my hand to comment but didn’t get called on, so didn’t get  a chance to say what I wanted to say.  I’m going to say now that you cannot fully show your love and support for your spouse without meeting your spouse’s sexual and intimacy needs, be you husband or wife.
So…
Stop making excuses!!!  Bless your marriage and bless your husband.

Duty sex

Wife:  Groan.  My husband is driving me nuts with his “I’m horny” talk.  What is WITH that guy?  Doesn’t he know I’m tired, the kids have been dragging at me all day, the dishes aren’t done, I have to prepare my Primary lesson, I have an interview with the 2nd counselor on Sunday and I’m nervous that I’ll get a new calling and I just can’t handle a different calling right now, he made me mad this morning when he didn’t put his dishes in the sink, does he have no regard for me or respect for me at all, I have to be his maid and cook and laundress, must I do this, too, I haven’t read my scriptures for three days and I was going to do it tonight but if I have to have sex I might be too tired and then I might not have the Spirit with me and I really need the Spirit because I just don’t understand it but hubby has been so cranky lately and we aren’t getting along and I need the Spirit to help me figure out what to do, oh, and my mom called and wants us to come over for dinner tomorrow and I don’t know how I’m going to fit it in with the kids piano lessons and t-ball practice, and I have to take a dinner over to Sis. Smith and, oh, my word, I still need to get to the store and get that one ingredient that I don’t have for her casserole, I wonder if she’ll like what I fix, what if her kids don’t like it, little Johnny hasn’t been sleeping well lately and what if he wakes up and hears us I would be so embarrassed I might just die, I feel so fat today maybe if we keep the lights really low I won’t feel too self conscious, how could anyone want to make love to this, I’m sure he’s going to want me to have an orgasm but they haven’t been happening much lately and he gets so disappointed and it makes me feel like a failure and I just don’t need the pressure and I can’t handle it.  Why doesn’t he understand?????  I really don’t want him bugging me anymore about it, I guess I’ll have to, and I’ll do that thing he likes that gets it over really fast and it’ll all be good.  I guess that will hold him off for a while.

Husband:  Boy, I sure do love my wife.  She looks great in that pair of jeans.  She’s so cute.  She’d look so good out of those jeans.  I wonder if she still loves me as much as I love her? She feels so good.  It feels so good to make love to her.   It’s been so long.  I don’t know if I can stand to go another day without it.  I wonder if I dare approach her?  If she says no again, I don’t think I can stand the rejection.   I feel like a failure and I don’t feel like a man anymore.  Here goes.  Hey, baby, do you think we could make love tonight?

That night:  DH:  I’ve been waiting for you!  Come here sweetheart, let’s make love.  (Maybe tonight we’ll really make love and I can show her how much I love her and I can feel loved by her in return.)

DW:  Okay, but I’m tired.  Wait, turn off the lights.   Don’t touch me there.  I don’t want to get turned on tonight.   Shhhh!  The kids will hear.  Little Johnny might wake up!  No, you know I don’t want to do that!  It’s nasty.  Okay, honey, let’s go, it’s almost 11:30.   (Okay, finish up, now, what’s taking you so long?  I hope I don’t have to do this again for a while.)

DH:  Thanks, honey, good night.

DW:  get the towel.  That stuff is all over me and it’s gross.

I almost cried when I re-read what I just wrote.  I may have exaggerated a little, but I”m pretty sure there are some DHs out there that would say, wow, you just described my night last night.   They might just cry, too.  I wonder who ended up happy at the end of this scenario?  I’m pretty sure no one.  The DH feels, at the very least, discouraged and unloved.  The DW feels used and misunderstood.

Wives, I challenge you that YOU are the one in the wrong, here, not him.   We’re all tired, busy, stressed, and have a lot going on in our lives.  However, duty or pity sex (not to be confused with an occasional quickie) has no place in a good marriage.     If you withhold loving, passionate sex and only occasionally tolerate a fast session of sex to appease your DH, you are wrong.  It is bad for your marriage.  It is bad for your husband.  It is bad for you.  Yes, it is.   You are a sexual being.  Your sexuality is God given.  It is good!  A good marriage is really not a good marriage without a good sexual relationship.  If you want to forget about your worries and stresses for awhile, recharge your love for your husband, show your love for your husband, this is a fool proof way to do it.  Being in your husband’s loving, protecting arms can sooth away sorrows and hurts and worries and cares.  The emotional benefits are incredible.

A man wants, no NEEDS to be desired by his wife.   He doesn’t want to use your body for his sexual gratification.  He wants to share the joy and passion with you, his wife, his eternal companion, his best friend.  He wants and needs you to show your love for him and make him feel like a man.  I say that it’s your responsibility (yes, I do mean responsibility) to love your husband and share your body with him willingly, lovingly, enthusiastically, and passionately.   That’s assuming you love him.  Assuming you want an eternity with him.  Assuming you want to make him happy.  You do want those things, right?  Otherwise, why in the world are you married to him?

Now is not the time to say, but if he would just (fill in the blank).   Now is the time to adjust your attitude and do unto others as you would have others do unto you.   You go first in doing the right thing.  If you have a normal, average guy as a husband, he’ll follow right along and start doing some of the little things you want him to do.  Don’t be petty and selfish and say, well, I want him to do those things and THEN I think I might want sex more.  That’s not the answer.  Start having sex more and THEN you’ll want sex more.

Experiment with what I’ve said.  You may find that your marriage blossoms.