I recently found some men’s blogs that I’ve been reading. The blogs are very interesting, and present a point of view that makes sense to me in a lot of ways. I like men, and can sympathize with a lot of their issues.
Some of the comments on these blogs, however, are a different story. Reading those comments made me feel, as a 40 something woman, that I was pretty much worthless to men and society. I have no sexual value; they call it “SMV”, which stands for “sexual market value.” I would not rate a 9 or 10, simply because once a woman is over 40 the highest she can rate is a 5 or 6. If I suddenly became single, no real man would look at me twice. If Conan were suddenly to become single, he’d automatically be looking for “SMV” in a woman half his age. Additionally, women who value staying home to raise their children and be a wife and mother are scorned and looked upon as something that was scraped off the bottom of a shoe: lazy, worthless, non-contributing leeches who drain their husbands of money and pretty much nothing else. The condescending and over-simplified question one person put out there was what’s so hard about holding down a full-time job and then coming home and doing a little vacuuming and dusting?
Anyway, my heart was feeling bruised and battered, and I really was starting to feel worthless. I knew intellectually that I simply cannot let anonymous comments on the internet bother me, but emotionally I was really internalizing all those things that were being said and I was just hurting. Feeling worthless was something that in my refusing days would have turned me cold. I would have projected those negative feelings onto Conan and I would have completely shut down sexually and turned away from him. But now I want to turn TO him for strength, comfort and love.
When Conan got home from work, he asked me what was wrong. I didn’t want to seem foolish, so I didn’t tell him all that, I just said I needed him to love me and be tender to me, please, that night. Now, Conan is far from romantic, but he is loving, and he simply held me on his lap and stroked my hair for a while.
Later that evening, I knew what I really needed from him. I needed him to show me how much he desired me, how much he enjoyed being in bed with me, and how attracted he was to me. I needed to give him all of me, so that he could accept me and take me and make me feel like the most beautiful, desirable woman in the world to him. Just to him. That’s all that matters. If we could take each other to the heights of passion, I would see my value and worth as a wife and forget about everything else. That’s what married sex can do for a person. It’s incredible, isn’t it? Sex can be so much more than physical pleasure.
Conan gave me exactly what I needed that night, without me saying a word. My emotions were raw that night, and what we had was raw, too. And it healed my soul. He is the most wonderful man in the world, and he loves me and feels that I am the most wonderful woman in the world.
Life is good.