Archive | April 2011

Taboo

Warning:  This may be too graphic for some people.  Also, I sincerely hope this post does not come off as titillating in any way.

What about anal sex?  Can we do that?  Well, I’m just a regular girl, but I say I’ve never heard anything stating that we can’t.  Hebrews 13:4 says Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge.   (italics and bold mine.)  What happens in the bedroom of a married couple is undefiled.  So my personal opinion is, if you want it, do it.

What it comes right down to is personal preference.   Some people really like anal sex.  Some people think about it and fantasize about it and wish they could do it.  I hate to break it to you, guys, but I think most women  just don’t like it and just don’t want to do it.   My best friend, who is very adventurous in bed, says, Oh, nooooooo, no, no, no, that’s exit only.  Another girlfriend says she let her husband do it once and she was constipated for a week and that was the end of that.  One of my friends hates the semen leakage.  A couple other girls I know barely tolerate it on occasion.   I don’t have any girlfriend telling me it’s her favorite thing or even in the top ten.   And those are non-member friends.  They don’t dislike it because they think it’s wrong, it’s just not for them.

Now, honestly, I don’t think I could bring myself to ask any of the sisters in my ward if they do it or if they like it.  It’s still so very, very taboo.    That’s not to say no one’s doing it.  Go over to themarriagebed.com and read the thousands of posts in the “All things Anal” forum.  On second thought, maybe you shouldn’t go over there.  It depends on what you really want to know about anal play and sex.  If you’d rather not learn all the things people do, stay far away.  I learned some things I wish I could UN-learn.  But that’s not the point of this post.

My personal opinion of anal sex is that it is up to the woman whether or not it’s on the list.  We’re the ones that have to have a penis inserted into our rectum, after all.  If your wife says absolutely not, well, then, just console yourself with realizing that it is not the be all end all of sex.  It may just be the thought of it is much more exciting than the actual act.  There could be lots of different reasons why a woman doesn’t want to do it.

First and foremost, it can be VERY PAINFUL.  The first time we tried it I about hit the ceiling it hurt so much.  We didn’t use enough lube and we didn’t ease into it.  Next, the thought of DH’s penis coming out with feces on it is extremely disgusting and embarrassing.   Then there are the things I mentioned above that could happen–constipation and semen leakage.  Now throw in a hemorrhoid or two.  Oh, now THAT’S attractive.  Might even be painful.  I’m sure there are more.

However, if a couple wants to do it, go for it!  I am one who finds it arousing.  IF the conditions are right.  I have to be absolutely sure there is nothing in there that is going to come out on my DH’s penis.  If that’s the case, then I find it incredibly erotic to offer my husband ANYTHING he wants.  Give him permission to go anywhere, do anything, and let him take charge.  Make me feel just a bit dominated, maybe.  Here’s the rub.  He is ambiguous about anal sex.  I told him I was writing a post about anal sex and asked him how much he liked it.  Turns out he does it because I like it, not necessarily because he likes it.  He doesn’t dislike it, but doesn’t care one way or another.   He said, well, it’s tighter, obviously, and feels nice and there’s a certain thrill to it, but I can’t do what I want.  I can’t thrust hard and  I can’t really go for it at climax.   So actually, the once in a while that we do it is for me.  Conan the Barbarian is sure nice!

What about anal play?  Well, I don’t know for sure, but from what I’ve read, lots of women like that and are much more open to doing it than the whole enchilada.  Especially if they are super aroused.  Sometimes I get some wizzbang Os while that is going on.

What about anal play on a man?  Well, I’ve also read that many men really like it.  But I’ll tell you right now, you wouldn’t catch me dead anywhere near that part of my hubby.  Sorry.   Years and years ago I read an article in Cosmo  that said if you really want to give your guy the orgasm of his life, just put your finger in his anus at the right time and BLAMO.  I was shocked.   I checked with Conan and he put the brakes on THAT.  Thank heavens!!!  The technical stuff is something about the prostate and it causing intense pleasure to hit it just right.  I’m pretty sure that’s true, because that’s one of the things that’s very popular to discuss over at themarriagebed.com.  So if you wanna try it, you might like it!

Anal sex isn’t for everybody, but for those who like it, it’s really good.

Guys really are from Mars

 

Can you guys explain to me how you can be angry, grumpy and antagonistic all day,  have a fight with your wife that doesn’t get resolved and then want to make love that night?  What is UP with that?

I’m telling you right now that I don’t think women really want to have sex after a fight that hasn’t been resolved.  I’ll admit it, I do mean resolved to MY satisfaction.  If DH says to me, “I’m sorry that you got mad about this,”  that is not gonna cut it Bud.  Okay, so if I’m being honest, I want my DH to capitulate to my will and superior knowledge and opinion every time and just go along with me.  ‘Cause I’m always right, okay?  I want him to apologize for every little thing he ever did and promise to be better than Edward Cullen for the rest of our lives.

Back to reality.  He is the one that’s right, oh, I’ll give him about 55% of the time, sigh.  I hate to admit it, but it’s true.  (I’m never letting him read this post.  Never.)

So you’ve had a fight with your wife.  You were angry, she was angry.  Nobody threw anything, thank heavens, but it’s so cold in the room you can see your breath.  Now, I ask again, what makes you want to have sex????  What makes you think in your wildest dreams that your wife will want to have sex???  Don’t give me any nonsense about make-up sex.  There has been no making up!  So stay far away from me, Pal.  I want DH to know I’m ticked off and I want him to feel bad about that.   The last thing on my mind is the wild thing.   I can’t flip a switch in my head, forget all the angry words and get all lovey dovey.  Why can you?????

It takes me some time to thaw out and remember that I kind of love this idiot I’m married to.  After some time, I get to a point where I think, I guess he’s not that bad.  Okay, he’s pretty nice.  And cute.  And fun to be with.  And he’s a good dad.  And he works hard.  And maybe, just maybe, I can stand to be in the same room with him again.  Then I can say I’m sorry for the fight, he can tell me he loves me, we can make up, and then my brain can think sexy thoughts.  And not before.

Conan doesn’t need that.  He has a switch that says, okay, I’m rrrrrrrrrrandy (spoken in a growly Scottish accent).  I call a truce while we get down tonight.  After that, then I’ll maybe be able to stand to be in the same room with YOU.

I may never understand it.

HOW SEXUAL FREQUENCY AFFECTS A WOMAN’S SEXUAL RESPONSIVENESS, FERTILITY, AND HEALTH

I found this online at themarriagebed.com  by Paul Byerly.   I bolded some of the points I found interesting.

Begin article:

Most people know what happens to a man when sex is infrequent, but many don’t understand how a woman’s body responds to the same thing. The table below compares the effects of sexual frequency in men and women. Note that a woman’s changing hormones affect her sex drive too and this may mask the effects at some times of the cycle, and multiply the effects at other times.

AS SEXUAL FREQUENCY DECLINES,
THE FOLLOWING HAPPEN:

MEN

WOMEN

STRENGTH AND
AWARENESS OF DESIRE

increases

decreases

EASE OF AROUSAL

more easily aroused

less easily aroused

AMOUNT OF STIMULATION
NEEDED TO CLIMAX

less than normal

more than normal

EASE OF CLIMAXING

very easy
(may climax too soon)

becomes
increasingly difficult

INTENSITY OF CLIMAX

orgasm is stronger

orgasm is shorter and
feels less pleasurable

Clearly men and women respond differently to sexual frequency. 1 As can be seen from the information, the less often a woman has sex, the less she will want sex, the less she will enjoy sex, and the more difficult it will be for her to become aroused and climax. This has been born out repeatedly in studies of the sexual frequency of woman who go from partner to partner: these women tend to masturbate more while in a relationship than while being celibate. Apparently God designed women to become more and more interested in sex as they become more active.

Even more startling evidence of a woman’s need for regular sex can be found in Winnifred B. Cutler’s book, Love Cycles. Dr. Cutler did a number of studies comparing the menstrual regularity of different women. Her data showed a strong cause and effect between the frequency of intercourse and the length and regularity of the menstrual cycle. Women who had sex two or more times a week had the most regular cycles, women who had sex once a week were slightly less regular, celibate women were still less regular, and women who had sporadic sex, or sex less than once a week, had the most irregular cycles. A variety of hormonal differences were seen, including higher estrogen levels in the women who had regular sex. Interestingly, it was heterosexual intercourse, with or without female orgasm, that caused the changes; neither homosexual acts nor masturbation had any effect. The regulating agent seems to be a pheromone, a sort of “airborne hormone,” released by the man’s body during arousal and/or climax. Dr. Cutler’s conclusion was “How often a woman engages in sexual behavior with a man strongly affects her endocrine system.” 2

While this is interesting, it has little relevance in and of itself. Other studies and data complete the picture. Fertility is very much linked to menstrual regularity. There is also a clear correlation between menstrual regularity and overall health: the more regular the woman’s cycle, the better her overall health. The benefits of the hormonal changes in those having intercourse at least twice a week include: better fertility, stronger bones, better cardiovascular health, less depression, lower incidence of fibrocystic breast disease and uterine cancer, and a decrease in menopausal symptoms such as hot flashes and depression. 3 Furthermore, regular intercourse after menopause has ongoing benefits to both the sexual and general health of the woman.

Clearly, the Lord created women to have frequent heterosexual relations. Sporadic or irregular sex is actually detrimental to a woman’s health, while regular intercourse has great benefits. God’s “rules” for sex create the perfect situation for keeping a woman’s body strong and healthy. 

1 Note: A very few men and women report different experiences than what is shown in the chart, but the data is what most men and women experience.
2 Winnifred B. Cutler, Ph. D. (1991) LOVE CYCLES, pp 22, New York: Random House
3 IBID pp 22

Last Updated on Wednesday, 05 May 2010 10:23

Internet filters

Oh, my gosh, my internet filter just blocked me from my own post here on my own site! Oops! Please, please don’t think I’ll ever do anything pornographic in any way here. I guess I’ll just have to laugh it off!

When having more sex with your husband won’t help your marriage

My post about duty sex and having more frequent sex was geared towards a woman who has shut down her sexuality and doesn’t care much for or want sex,  who has a basically good guy for a husband, and doesn’t realize the importance of sex in a marriage, and also has forgotten in all the stuff that happens in daily life, how good sex can be for HER.

But that’s not always the case, is it?  My father was a jerk.  I watched him yell at my mother, belittle her, put her down and complain about everything she did every day of my childhood.  Then he would go up to her and rub her behind and make some kind of sexual overture towards her.  She would shrug him off, move away, tell him to stop it, and similar things.  He would try to kiss her and she would turn her head away.  I asked her one day why she just didn’t let him kiss her.  She said it was because he kissed so hard it hurt her mouth, and he knew that and kept doing it anyway.   The things my father did made me so angry inside!  Not only was he incredibly verbally abusive to her, he also never did one thing around the house.   There was nothing wrong with him as far as doing physical work, but certain things happened and he couldn’t work a job,  so my mom went out and worked when all she ever wanted to be was a stay at home mom.  She had to do everything.  She worked,  she cleaned, she cooked, she took care of us, she made sure we had family prayer and scripture study and held Family Home Evening every week, she filled many callings, including Relief Society President TWICE!  She did literally everything.  My father did nothing.  I never saw him lift a finger to even pick up a dish and put it in the sink.  He stomped around the house complaining and grumbling and doing a whole lot of NOTHING.  And then he actually expected her to open her arms to him and meet his sexual needs????  What a creep.

Because of what I saw every day, I had quite a bit of negativity about sex ingrained in my mind.   Although I never asked her directly, I’m sure my mother tried to do her best to be a good wife and do her wifely duty, so to speak.  I can only imagine how horrible it would be to have sex with someone like my father was.  He wasn’t gentle, and he wasn’t nice.  What woman wants to give her body to a man like that?  I can only assume NONE!  I thank the Lord that I didn’t marry a guy just like my father.

I was around 10 or 11 when my mom started sleeping on the couch.  Their sham of a marriage was completely sexless for the next six years, when she finally divorced him.  I do not blame her one bit!!!  In fact, I was so happy they were finally getting a divorce I cried for joy.  My mother stayed married to my father for 25 years, because she took her temple covenants seriously.  From the earliest I can remember I used to wish that they would get a divorce.  That is one of the major reasons why I did NOT want to marry in the temple when I was a youth.  My own experience was this:  Marry in the temple and you are stuck forever with the guy when he turns out to be a creep.  I did eventually learn that this situation was the exception, not the rule, thank God.

I hope and pray that anyone in a situation like my mother’s is able to find happiness.   She did find happiness with her next husband, the man who has now been my Dad for over  half my life.  He is wonderful.  In fact, after their honeymoon, my mom told me she never dreamed that sex could be so wonderful.

My reason for this post is this:  Please do not think that I would ever advise someone in an abusive marriage to just have more sex and it’ll get better.   Or even if your husband is just a major jerk but not abusive.   Because I know first hand that there is no way that is true.

Why is my husband always, ALWAYS asking for sex, sex and more sex?

I wasn’t always so willing and ready to make love to Conan the Barbarian as I am now and as I was when we first married.  Like a lot of women, while I enjoyed it, I didn’t care too much about it.   There was a time when I didn’t care if I ever had sex again.  That did not make Conan happy.  There are lots of reasons for this, and that is a subject for another time.   I have learned that hubbies just do not understand how their wife could like sex, orgasm almost every time, and still not want it much.  Makes no sense to them.   Anyway, suffice it to say it seems to be a common occurrence.

During this time in our marriage, I was getting so sick of being badgered day and night for sex.  Please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please.  Tonight?  Tonight?  Tonight?  Tonight?  Tonight?  Grope, grope, squeeze, squeeze.  Leer, wink.   It felt like one of my children badgering me about something I’d already said no to him about.  I really wanted to stop this annoying behavior.  I found a really great website about marriage.  I can’t for the life of me remember it anymore, but it had lots of little teaching videos and links to good articles and so on.  If I can ever find it again, I’ll put a link on the page.  One of the videos discussed exactly what my problem was.  How to get the hubby to stop asking so much.  You’ll never guess what it said.  Well, maybe you will, but you could have knocked me over with a feather.

THE ANSWER:  Have more frequent sex with your husband.   What????????  Seriously??????  Who are these people?????       Here’s the principle.  The more frequently you have sex, the more satisfied your husband is and the more satisfied he is, the less he will feel the need to constantly remind you about sex.  He will feel like you haven’t forgotten about him and his needs and desires.  He will feel like you love and care about him.  He will feel that you are wonderful, beautiful, the best wife in the world.

Disclaimers:  1. This will not work if you lay there like a dead fish waiting for him to get it over with.   2. I’m talking about your average, good guy.  Not the guy who makes you think you’re selfish for not dropping everything to satisfy him two times a day or whatever.

Well, I thought, I’ll try it.  I know I’m supposed to be more sexually giving to my husband.  I can hear Dr. Laura in my head saying “Stop saying no!”   And I really, really want him to stop asking me ten times a day.   As you can see, I started out in selfish mode.  It always surprises me, when I take a good look at myself, just how selfish I really am.  Anyway, I tried it. Things went something like this:

  • Day one:  Tonight?  Tonight?  Tonight?  Night one:  yes!
  • Day two:  Tonight?  Please, please, please?  Night two: yes!
  • Day three:  Hi baby, I love you.  Are you having a good day?  Night three:  good night beautiful, I love you, sleep well.
  • Huh.  Wow.  And so it went.

If we usually had sex two to three  times a week or so, Conan was happy as a clam (are clams happy?).  Well, he was happy as a sexually satisfied man.  And guess what?  No more annoying behavior.  Just like that.  And that has continued on.

As a woman, it is hard to relate to a man and his sexual feelings.  I used to feel that he was obsessed with sex.  Possibly carnal and devilish.  Why does he have to have it all the time?  Why does he think about it all the time?  Why can’t he just forget about it once in a while?   I still don’t have the answers to those questions, but I came to know that he is not bad, selfish, sinful, carnal, etc., for feeling that way.  He is NOT obsessed.  He is hardwired to want the woman he loves sexually.  HE LOVES ME, which causes him to desire me.  And we as women WANT to be desired.

I’ll admit it, I do.  I used to want that little look of admiration from a man.  It still  makes me feel good to think that a man is attracted to me.  It puts a little smile on my face.  Well, in reality, what can an admiring stranger give me?  NOTHING.  I had to change my thinking.  I came to realize that there is  a man who DOES want me and IS attracted to me and CAN give me what I want and need.  That man is Conan the Barbarian.  No other man matters, because no other man LOVES me the way he does.  So instead of rejecting the one man who can give me everything I want emotionally, I now encourage and embrace him.

Ladies, if you’re in this situation, stop making your husband feel like a little boy being chastised.  Start making him feel like a man.  When you start treating him like a man and try to make him feel like a man, he should start behaving like a man.

WARNING:  Saying “Yes” frequently may cause a woman to become confident and feel beautiful and desirable.  May cause arousal in a woman.  May cause her to become even more selfish and demand more than one orgasm during love making.  😉

The garment

I’ve been married for 24 years and only endowed for five of them.  Last October I had the opportunity to go to General Conference for the first time!  While I was there I attended the Salt Lake Temple.  I loved it!  I took this picture there!  I would love to tell my story of how I made it to the temple, and how much I love the temple,  but today I’m going to discuss the garment and how it affected our sex life.

Having lived a large portion of my adult life not wearing the garment, I was very nervous about wearing them.   I thought that most of my clothes would still be appropriate, as I’d been dressing for years as if I wore them, so that wasn’t my biggest concern.  I will admit to you that I am a little, not VAIN, exactly, but, what’s the word I’m looking for, I’ll say PARTICULAR about the way I look.  And I was PARTICULARLY concerned about the way I would look to my husband in the garment and how he would react, especially since he wouldn’t be wearing them.   This concern stopped me from going to the temple for an entire year.  I just could not get past how I was going to look.  Satan knows my weaknesses and boy did he play on them.   I told my dad I was worried about wearing them, and he said, honey, they come off.  He knew a part of what I was worried about.  Well, that was comforting, but still didn’t address how I was going to look.  And I didn’t feel I could discuss that with my dad.  What could I say?  What could he say?

As I was preparing to go to the temple, I told Conan the Barbarian that I’d be wearing garments and explained what they looked like.  I have to say I’ve been blessed with a wonderfully practical, down to earth guy, who just does not let much bother him.  His response was, well, that sounds weird, but okay.

After my endowment I was on cloud 9.  Then that night Conan said, well, let’s see them.  So I showed him.  He said, hmmmm, that top is see through.  Come here and I’ll take it off.   That was the first and last time I felt self-conscious in my  garments in front of him.  Obviously my concerns and fears were unfounded.  And I wasted a year of not being endowed!

The moral is yes, they do come off.  And your covenant will not get in the way of a satisfying sex life.  Oh, and about putting them back on.  Don’t feel you have to jump up the second sex is over and put them back on.  Don’t forget to bask in the afterglow!!  You might even fall asleep naked for awhile.  Simply put them back on when you wake up.  You can take them off and wear something cute and sexy for your husband at home before you go to bed, too.  Sex starts before penetration and doesn’t always end right after ejaculation.

I wonder how other women feel about their garments?  This is a subject that I wouldn’t feel comfortable talking about with anyone, except in very general terms.   The only people I would be able to talk to are  my mother and my sister and the garment doesn’t bother them in the slightest.  Anyone else have an opinion?