As you might know from previous posts, I was sexually active before marriage. My first boyfriend convinced me to go ahead and do it. I wasn’t spiritually strong or emotionally strong, so I went ahead. I didn’t even feel guilty about it. But that’s another post. Anyway, when I did oral sex on him I did not swallow. I really didn’t want to do it, so I didn’t.
Fast forward to my college boyfriend. I told him I didn’t want to swallow, but the first time I gave him oral sex he held my head down while he climaxed so it did go in my mouth. I rushed to the sink and spit it out and rinsed my mouth, protesting all the way. He laughed and laughed. I was a bit obsessed with this guy and would do ANYTHING to hang on to him. So from that point forward, I swallowed. Oral sex was his favorite thing. He wasn’t actually all that good in bed, looking back. I never even orgasmed with him. Not once. But he loved for me to give him oral sex. And since I wanted him SO MUCH, I did that for him all the time. And I swallowed. I disliked it. I gagged. I threw up in my mouth and then just swallowed it all. All to keep this boy with me.
Rabbit trail: I love performing oral sex and I always have. I love the feel of it. I love the look of it. I could/can do it for a looonng time. It is incredibly arousing to ME to perform oral sex. It really gets me going. It’s the swallowing that is not so appealing.
Back to story: Well, I finally came to my senses and broke it off with The Boyfriend. That was because I had met this wonderful guy who soon became my husband. My husband and I did not wait for marriage to have sex. He was not a member, and I was about as inactive as you can get. Anyway, I had been swallowing for The Boyfriend, so I continued my practice of swallowing. And I continued to hate it.
Fast forward a few years into our marriage and I had had enough. I was starting to mature and grow and gain self esteem and confidence in myself. I had told Conan (that’s the DH. Conan, as in Conan the Barbarian.) about The Boyfriend and swallowing. So he knew that story. And one day I said, I don’t like doing this, I am NOT going to do it anymore. I will not continue to do something like this just because I feel it’s expected of me. My subconscious was saying, “I will not do this to ‘keep your love’ “. So that was that. It wasn’t about him. It was all about me. I don’t care if I’ve always done it, I don’t care how much you like it, I don’t care. The Swallowing Ride is closed for business.
Years go by. Conan: Please swallow tonight, honey! Z: NO! Blech! Conan: Boy I wish you would swallow! Z: Give it up already!
My best friend and I teach each other about men, sex and marriage. We talk and give advice and tips on how to have better sex and better marriages. She’s told me many times that anytime she wants something she just gives her DH a blow job and she gets it! Well, there was something I really, really wanted Conan to do. I batted my lashes. I pleaded. I cajoled. I reasoned. I got angry. I pouted. I spouted facts, figures, and speculation. Weeks went by. Conan the Barbarian is one stubborn man. Then I got desperate. And I said, “Conan, if you will just _____ for one month, I will *gasp* swallow.”
(Cue angels singing and bright light) Conan: Okay, honey, I’ll do it. Amazing. So the deal was that for every month that Conan did ______, I would give him a blow job with a happy ending. Here is where I learned the power of good motivation. Conan did _______ for FOUR MONTHS. Now I had to put my money where my mouth was, so to speak. (Just got the pun! Ha ha ha!!!) I was dreading it! Why, oh, why did I ever agree to such a thing? I never thought he’d actually DO it! I’m all talk and no action. But I promised! And he did what I asked him to do and he DID NOT want to do it. Oh, no, oh, no, I can’t get out of this. I’m STUCK. Sigh. I resigned myself and with great trepidation I said, okay, Conan, tonight’s the night. Conan: Yeah, baby!
Okay, here we go. Put on a happy face, girl, you can’t look like you’re about to eat jellied cow brains! (Fade to black.)
Next scene: Hey, that was not horrible. It wasn’t like creme brulee or chocolate cheesecake, but it wasn’t horrible. I guess it wasn’t so bad. Huh. Boy, he really liked it. Conan: Wow, babe, that was awesome. You are incredible. You are the sexiest, most wonderful thing on the planet. I love you soooooo much. Us: basking in the glow, mmmmmmmmm. Back to reality: Conan: Now don’t forget you owe me three more.
That was a few years ago, and I found something out. When I CHOOSE to do something of my own free will, with love and affection and a giving spirit in my heart, I want and like to do it. When I get back everything I give and more, it’s very worth it. When I do something for the right reasons, I love it. I sure do love Conan. And now I swallow whenever I want to do something nice for Conan. Sometimes it’s spontaneous and sometimes I plan ahead. Sometimes it’s a special request from Conan.
What am I getting at? Oral sex and swallowing is a gift no one but you can give your husband. NO ONE else. It’s special and giving and loving and just between the two of you. And it is not as bad as you might think it is. You might even like it.