Duty sex

Wife:  Groan.  My husband is driving me nuts with his “I’m horny” talk.  What is WITH that guy?  Doesn’t he know I’m tired, the kids have been dragging at me all day, the dishes aren’t done, I have to prepare my Primary lesson, I have an interview with the 2nd counselor on Sunday and I’m nervous that I’ll get a new calling and I just can’t handle a different calling right now, he made me mad this morning when he didn’t put his dishes in the sink, does he have no regard for me or respect for me at all, I have to be his maid and cook and laundress, must I do this, too, I haven’t read my scriptures for three days and I was going to do it tonight but if I have to have sex I might be too tired and then I might not have the Spirit with me and I really need the Spirit because I just don’t understand it but hubby has been so cranky lately and we aren’t getting along and I need the Spirit to help me figure out what to do, oh, and my mom called and wants us to come over for dinner tomorrow and I don’t know how I’m going to fit it in with the kids piano lessons and t-ball practice, and I have to take a dinner over to Sis. Smith and, oh, my word, I still need to get to the store and get that one ingredient that I don’t have for her casserole, I wonder if she’ll like what I fix, what if her kids don’t like it, little Johnny hasn’t been sleeping well lately and what if he wakes up and hears us I would be so embarrassed I might just die, I feel so fat today maybe if we keep the lights really low I won’t feel too self conscious, how could anyone want to make love to this, I’m sure he’s going to want me to have an orgasm but they haven’t been happening much lately and he gets so disappointed and it makes me feel like a failure and I just don’t need the pressure and I can’t handle it.  Why doesn’t he understand?????  I really don’t want him bugging me anymore about it, I guess I’ll have to, and I’ll do that thing he likes that gets it over really fast and it’ll all be good.  I guess that will hold him off for a while.

Husband:  Boy, I sure do love my wife.  She looks great in that pair of jeans.  She’s so cute.  She’d look so good out of those jeans.  I wonder if she still loves me as much as I love her? She feels so good.  It feels so good to make love to her.   It’s been so long.  I don’t know if I can stand to go another day without it.  I wonder if I dare approach her?  If she says no again, I don’t think I can stand the rejection.   I feel like a failure and I don’t feel like a man anymore.  Here goes.  Hey, baby, do you think we could make love tonight?

That night:  DH:  I’ve been waiting for you!  Come here sweetheart, let’s make love.  (Maybe tonight we’ll really make love and I can show her how much I love her and I can feel loved by her in return.)

DW:  Okay, but I’m tired.  Wait, turn off the lights.   Don’t touch me there.  I don’t want to get turned on tonight.   Shhhh!  The kids will hear.  Little Johnny might wake up!  No, you know I don’t want to do that!  It’s nasty.  Okay, honey, let’s go, it’s almost 11:30.   (Okay, finish up, now, what’s taking you so long?  I hope I don’t have to do this again for a while.)

DH:  Thanks, honey, good night.

DW:  get the towel.  That stuff is all over me and it’s gross.

I almost cried when I re-read what I just wrote.  I may have exaggerated a little, but I”m pretty sure there are some DHs out there that would say, wow, you just described my night last night.   They might just cry, too.  I wonder who ended up happy at the end of this scenario?  I’m pretty sure no one.  The DH feels, at the very least, discouraged and unloved.  The DW feels used and misunderstood.

Wives, I challenge you that YOU are the one in the wrong, here, not him.   We’re all tired, busy, stressed, and have a lot going on in our lives.  However, duty or pity sex (not to be confused with an occasional quickie) has no place in a good marriage.     If you withhold loving, passionate sex and only occasionally tolerate a fast session of sex to appease your DH, you are wrong.  It is bad for your marriage.  It is bad for your husband.  It is bad for you.  Yes, it is.   You are a sexual being.  Your sexuality is God given.  It is good!  A good marriage is really not a good marriage without a good sexual relationship.  If you want to forget about your worries and stresses for awhile, recharge your love for your husband, show your love for your husband, this is a fool proof way to do it.  Being in your husband’s loving, protecting arms can sooth away sorrows and hurts and worries and cares.  The emotional benefits are incredible.

A man wants, no NEEDS to be desired by his wife.   He doesn’t want to use your body for his sexual gratification.  He wants to share the joy and passion with you, his wife, his eternal companion, his best friend.  He wants and needs you to show your love for him and make him feel like a man.  I say that it’s your responsibility (yes, I do mean responsibility) to love your husband and share your body with him willingly, lovingly, enthusiastically, and passionately.   That’s assuming you love him.  Assuming you want an eternity with him.  Assuming you want to make him happy.  You do want those things, right?  Otherwise, why in the world are you married to him?

Now is not the time to say, but if he would just (fill in the blank).   Now is the time to adjust your attitude and do unto others as you would have others do unto you.   You go first in doing the right thing.  If you have a normal, average guy as a husband, he’ll follow right along and start doing some of the little things you want him to do.  Don’t be petty and selfish and say, well, I want him to do those things and THEN I think I might want sex more.  That’s not the answer.  Start having sex more and THEN you’ll want sex more.

Experiment with what I’ve said.  You may find that your marriage blossoms.

3 thoughts on “Duty sex

  1. What an insightful representation of what occurs way too often in too many marriages. It takes time for a woman to get aroused, but she never gives herself or her husband the time and attention needed to get there. And then she complains that she does not like sex, it’s just for her husband etc. When women allow their husbands to show their love and affection, amazing things happen in the bedroom and in the marriage.

  2. Holy Hannah!! An LDS woman who “gets it”!

    Your description was spot on for probably the first 6 years of our marriage. I don’t even ask or anticipate anymore. Its just a rare occasion that comes without rhyme or reason. I guess she starts feeling guilty or something. It certainly isn’t because she has any desire for it, and generally just leaves me feeling weak and confused. Certainly not satisfied.

    • Foo, I can’t tell you what to do about this with your wife because I know nothing about the two of you or your marriage dynamic, but I’ll tell you what Conan did, and that was NEVER let up on me about it. Really. He never did. It drove me nuts. It caused conflict. It ticked me off to no end. It made me feel GUILTY. (sometimes guilt is good.) But eventually it spurred me to action. I blogged about it: “Why does my husband always want sex, sex, and more sex?”.

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