My post about duty sex and having more frequent sex was geared towards a woman who has shut down her sexuality and doesn’t care much for or want sex, who has a basically good guy for a husband, and doesn’t realize the importance of sex in a marriage, and also has forgotten in all the stuff that happens in daily life, how good sex can be for HER.
But that’s not always the case, is it? My father was a jerk. I watched him yell at my mother, belittle her, put her down and complain about everything she did every day of my childhood. Then he would go up to her and rub her behind and make some kind of sexual overture towards her. She would shrug him off, move away, tell him to stop it, and similar things. He would try to kiss her and she would turn her head away. I asked her one day why she just didn’t let him kiss her. She said it was because he kissed so hard it hurt her mouth, and he knew that and kept doing it anyway. The things my father did made me so angry inside! Not only was he incredibly verbally abusive to her, he also never did one thing around the house. There was nothing wrong with him as far as doing physical work, but certain things happened and he couldn’t work a job, so my mom went out and worked when all she ever wanted to be was a stay at home mom. She had to do everything. She worked, she cleaned, she cooked, she took care of us, she made sure we had family prayer and scripture study and held Family Home Evening every week, she filled many callings, including Relief Society President TWICE! She did literally everything. My father did nothing. I never saw him lift a finger to even pick up a dish and put it in the sink. He stomped around the house complaining and grumbling and doing a whole lot of NOTHING. And then he actually expected her to open her arms to him and meet his sexual needs???? What a creep.
Because of what I saw every day, I had quite a bit of negativity about sex ingrained in my mind. Although I never asked her directly, I’m sure my mother tried to do her best to be a good wife and do her wifely duty, so to speak. I can only imagine how horrible it would be to have sex with someone like my father was. He wasn’t gentle, and he wasn’t nice. What woman wants to give her body to a man like that? I can only assume NONE! I thank the Lord that I didn’t marry a guy just like my father.
I was around 10 or 11 when my mom started sleeping on the couch. Their sham of a marriage was completely sexless for the next six years, when she finally divorced him. I do not blame her one bit!!! In fact, I was so happy they were finally getting a divorce I cried for joy. My mother stayed married to my father for 25 years, because she took her temple covenants seriously. From the earliest I can remember I used to wish that they would get a divorce. That is one of the major reasons why I did NOT want to marry in the temple when I was a youth. My own experience was this: Marry in the temple and you are stuck forever with the guy when he turns out to be a creep. I did eventually learn that this situation was the exception, not the rule, thank God.
I hope and pray that anyone in a situation like my mother’s is able to find happiness. She did find happiness with her next husband, the man who has now been my Dad for over half my life. He is wonderful. In fact, after their honeymoon, my mom told me she never dreamed that sex could be so wonderful.
My reason for this post is this: Please do not think that I would ever advise someone in an abusive marriage to just have more sex and it’ll get better. Or even if your husband is just a major jerk but not abusive. Because I know first hand that there is no way that is true.