Archive | May 2011

Masturbation

Now here’s a powder keg topic!   I’m diving in.  Just know that this is mostly my opinion and you are completely welcome to disagree with me.

The LDS Christian perspective on masturbation is different from other mainstream Christian religions’ perspectives.   Instead of saying “The Bible is silent on this issue so it is okay,” we listen to our modern prophets’ counsel about the subject, which is that it is a practice to be avoided.   Some would argue that our leaders have backed off of this subject and are minimizing it.  I don’t know about that one way or another, I’ve only heard that around the world wide web.  That could be.  I don’t know.

From the dictionary:    

Masturbation:  

  • 1.) The stimulation or manipulation of one’s own genitals, especially to orgasm; sexual self-gratification.       
  • 2.)  The stimulation, by manual or other means exclusive of coitus, of another’s genitals, especially to orgasm.

What does the church say about it?

“Masturbation, a rather common indiscretion, is not approved of the Lord nor of His Church regardless of what may have been said by others whose ‘norms’ are lower. Latter-day Saints are urged to avoid this practice” (Spencer W. Kimball, Love Versus Lust, Brigham Young University Speeches of the Year [Provo, 5 Jan. 1965], p. 22).

President Spencer W. Kimball has written: “The early apostles and prophets mention numerous sins. … They included all sexual relations outside marriage—petting, sex perversion,masturbation, and preoccupation with sex in one’s thoughts and talking.

From For the Strength of Youth:  (what is a sex perversion?)  The Lord specifically forbids certain behaviors, including all sexual relations before marriage, petting, sex perversion (such as homosexuality, rape, and incest), masturbation…

(all quotes found on lds.org, bolds mine)

I have only recently read about this topic,  and how men feel about it.  I really had no idea it was such a difficult thing to refrain from.  Also, I just never really thought about it that much.  Anyway, I am not a man and I can’t really say much  about  solo masturbation,  for the most part, except that while I have learned it’s a huge struggle,  it is still wrong outside of marriage.  All the references I could find on lds.org were referring to outside and before marriage.    That seems pretty clear to me.  So I’m going to talk about masturbation INSIDE marriage.

Can I just say right now that I cannot stand that word!   Especially since apparently some people get so hung up on the word “masturbation” that they can’t get past it to allow their partner to touch them.  Or to touch themselves.     It’s touch.  Sexual touching.  Our leaders refer to mutual masturbation as “petting”.  I prefer stroking (remember Billy Squire?)  and touching over petting.  You pet the cat, for goodness sakes! (Guys, do NOT go there.)

Some of the best parts about sex are all the stroking and touching going on.   If there was no stroking going on a whole lot of women would be very unsatisfied in bed.   That’s called mutual masturbation.  Thank goodness for mutual masturbation!  Woo hoo!  The best thing ever!  Well, okay, maybe not for some.  But for me, YOWZA.  Along the same lines is mutual self and partner touch.  A guy only has two hands–three or four are even better.

How about simultaneous masturbation?  Simultaneous self touching?  I admit, I’ve never had the desire to watch Conan do such a thing, but I recently learned, over at TheMarriageBed.com, that a whole heck of a lot of women think that’s really HOT.   I do know that for Conan, watching me masturbate for him  is incredibly hot.

Solo masturbation after marriage.  Here is an area where things get tricky.  I am not going to say whether it is or isn’t okay, because I could find nothing about it on lds.org specifically.   It is my own PERSONAL OPINION that it should be avoided if possible.   But Zookie, you say, what about this or that study that promotes solo masturbation for this or that reason?   I would say, there are  also numerous studies out there that say coffee and red wine are healthy and without drinking a cup of coffee or a glass of wine  a day you are putting yourself at greater risk of heart disease, etc.  Just because there’s a study that says so does not give us the green light.   If you want to do it that is not up to me.   If  someone asked me for advice on the subject, I would advise against it.  There are some definite lines, in my opinion.  I would certainly say that if one spouse masturbates and then sexually denies his/her spouse, that would be completely wrong. If  a married person masturbated secretly, hiding it from his/her spouse, I would say that’ s wrong.   If a married person masturbated every time the urge hit him/her, I believe that would be wrong.

Now, I firmly believe there are some times when it IS good to masturbate solo.  Man or woman.

Let’s start briefly with men.  I won’t say much about men, because I am not a man and I can’t truly relate.  I have only had one experience of walking around in a state of arousal (see my “I Felt Like a Man” post) and that didn’t last very long.  But here is my limited opinion.  If a man has PE (premature ejaculation) there are things he can do about it.  Some of those things involve solo exercises.   So if a guy wants to be a better lover and follows the steps to increase his staying power, he is not just “scratching an itch” so to speak, he is working on improving his sex life.   Then there’s the man that for whatever reason is having a dry season sexually.  Guys get pretty physically uncomfortable when they haven’t had an orgasm with ejaculation  for a long time, and it seems to affect their mental outlook, as well.  Maybe he’s away from his wife for a long period of time.  Or she is physically unable to give him pleasure in any way.  Or she is unwilling to give him pleasure in any way for long periods, which I strongly feel  is just plain wrong.  Especially in those circumstances a man should be able to get the physical release he needs.

Women.  A woman has to know her body to have a good sexual experience.  Contrary to the bodice ripper novels, a guy can’t just touch you a few times, enter you, and after a period of time  you explode in ecstasy at the exact moment that he does.  Things just don’t work that way.  Well, they might for some people, but not for me, boo hoo!   There are some blessed few women in this world who can orgasm through intercourse alone.  No other technique required.  But for the rest of us peasants, we need some kind of direct stimulation to the clitoris.  If you don’t know how to touch your clitoris, if you don’t know what it responds to,  how is your husband going to know?   And sometimes for us  peasant women orgasms just do not happen easily.  We have to learn how to have an orgasm.  We can learn to do that by experimenting and masturbating. A woman could always do that in front of her husband, but  I think it would be uncomfortable and almost impossible for a woman who is just learning about her own sexuality  to relax  enough to do this with him there.  So solo is the way to go.   Another thing about women is that we need have frequent orgasms so that they will be easier to get.  The less you have, the harder it is to get one.  The more you have, the easier it becomes.  If you find you need to give yourself orgasms for awhile until you become accustomed to having them with your husband, then do what you need to do to improve your sex life with your husband.

Another reason for a woman to masturbate  is to start the arousal process.  If you have a hard time getting aroused, you can masturbate first.  I call that getting a head start!  When you are getting ready for bed, do that for awhile and when you come to bed or your husband comes to bed  you’re got things going, you’re feeling pleasantly warm and nice down there,  and it might be easier to get that elusive orgasm.  If you have trouble with wanting to have sex because you’re not aroused first, this is one way to get aroused.

If you are a woman and you aren’t having orgasms, I would encourage you to do some research on how to do this.  There are a lot of books and information to help you.  I haven’t read the famous Laura Brotherson book “And They Were Not Ashamed “, but I’m pretty sure there is a section in that book that guides you through this process.  Find a time and experiment.   You will be glad you did, and your husband will be even more glad you did!

So I would say that the end goal with masturbation should be to improve your sex life with your spouse, not just give yourself pleasure for its own sake.   I really think that’s what it all comes down to: having a mutually satisfying, healthy sex life in your marriage.

Solomon’s Song 6:2-3

2:  My beloved is gone down into his garden, to the beds of spices, to feed in the gardens, and to gather lilies.

3: I am my beloved’s, and my beloved is mine: he feedeth among the lilies.

Some people think the Song of Solomon is full of poetic references to oral sex.  It seems that way to me!

Oh, Those Groping Husbands

Behind the scenes of WordPress is this feature that shows me how people have found my blog, such as entering a phrase in a search engine and my blog ends up as one of the hits.  This happens on occasion.  So I sometimes  do a Google search of those words and phrases to see what comes up.   Two that interested me the most were “husband gropes” and “husband always groping”.    These terms brought up my “Why is my husband always, always asking for sex, sex and more sex” blog.  In it I talk about how Conan was always groping me.

When I did a Google search on those terms, I found a lot of  ladies are talking about this.  And it seems like the women talking about it don’t understand it and don’t really like it.  I didn’t like it!  Oh, it would just burn me up when he would walk by and cop a feel.  I wanted him to walk by and touch my hair, my face, my hands, my back, my neck, anywhere but my breasts, my behind and my hoo ha!  Am I defined as a pair of t**s and a nice a$$?  Is that the sum total of what I mean to you?

One day Conan, that rrrrrrrandy little devil, grabbed some part of me right in front of my cousin.  Then he casually sauntered out of the room, grinning.  My cousin laughed and said, my husband is always doing that, too!  He is??!!??  I said.  It had never occurred to me that this might be something that all the inhabitants of Mars do.   Conan is just a little more free with his groping in front of others.  Usually my behind.  (Well, it was my behind that attracted him to me in the first place.  One look and he was hooked for life 8)  )  Anyway, after that I had a little  lightbulb moment and realized that Conan wasn’t degrading me or putting me on par with a piece of meat.   It’s just something guys DO.

Guys always have sex on the brain, right?  Well, that is focused completely on me.  He takes a look at me doing something mundane and domestic like doing the dishes or cooking dinner and he thinks,  Look at what she does for me.  I appreciate her.  I like her.  I love her.    She’s hot.  She’s MINE!   I’d like to________.  Then male instinct takes over for a second and GRAB!  MMM-HMMM, that’s what I want to do later.  SEX=LOVE.  Love, love, love, love, love.

Once I began looking at it this way I stopped being so offended by him.  After that if he came by and grabbed me I made a conscious effort to respond in a positive way.  Instead of saying angrily, “Stop that!  Is that all you ever think about???”  I started saying playfully, “Naughty!  But I love you, too, babe.”   Instead of thinking it was  some juvenile, emotionally stunted attempt at turning me on,  I  took it for what it actually IS,  a show of love and affection, as wacky as it seems to me.  I began to turn to him, let him grab me, and then initiate some non-sexual snuggling and touching with maybe a kiss or two.  NICE!!  At some point down the road, I even began to grope HIM once in awhile.  You should see the dopey grin he gets when I do that.

Amazingly enough, I receive lots more non-sexual touching after this change, and after I stopped saying no all the time.

So guys, if you can’t resist groping your wife, please try to remember that she likes a little romantic touching, too.

And ladies, don’t get your panties in a bunch over it.  Take it for what it is.  A gesture of love from this strange creature from Mars.

Sexual frequency

(I really tried to make this post shorter, but just couldn’t do it.  I’m channeling Ayn Rand tonight!)

A BFF of mine has been married 20 + years and they are childless by choice.  They are having sex 4 to 5 times a week, and have been doing so their entire married life.   My BFFs and I were talking about this and we said, well, yeah, that’s great for you, you guys don’t have any kids.  The childless BFF agreed that it was easier for them to have so much sex, but they still had to make it a priority.  I agree, sex needs to be a priority for it to get done, just like anything else.  However, the other things going on in our lives impact our bedroom lives considerably.

So what’s the right amount?  Two times a week?  Three or four?   Of course it depends on the couple.   There are some extremes that I think should be avoided, though.  First is little to no sex because one person in the marriage doesn’t put as much importance on sex.  Then there’s the person who feels that if the urge is there, it must be acted upon, every day, twice a day, whatever it is, with no regard for  the other person’s schedule or feelings on the matter.

Example 1:  (This is a real guy, by the way)  Job feels the need for sex every single day.  He says he just can’t go without it for even  one day.  If his wife is on her period she will accommodate him in different ways.  They have many children (Quiverful).  Job ran into problems at first, when they had lots of small children to care for and Sarah was very, very busy.  He just was not getting his daily dose of sex.  So he started calendaring it.  Big red X on the days he didn’t get it.  Shame on you, Sarah!  You are not meeting my needs!  He also started quoting scripture at her to make her understand that her body was not her own anymore, it was his.   So they devised a plan.   In the evenings, while she was nursing her baby, she would lie on her side, they would spoon in bed and he would have sex with her.  Problem solved!  Sarah was pretty much immobilized, couldn’t really do anything else, now, could she?  And Job got his daily dose of sex.   I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP!!!!!  I find this utterly despicable.   Where is the man’s self control?  His compassion?  His understanding?  Oh, yeah, HE DOESN’T HAVE ANY.  He has no blood going to his brain and so he can only think with the part of his body where all the blood is.

Example 2:  (Also real people.)  Jim knows his wife’s love language.  So he does all he can to give her love the way she wants it.  He writes poetry for his wife.  He sings her songs.  He frequently gives her hour long backrubs.   He takes her out to nice restaurants and tries to make their date nights special and memorable.  He helps out around the house.  He does the dishes.  He does his own laundry.  He helps with the kids.  He makes sure she has “me time”.    He works very hard so she can be a stay-at-home mom.   He thinks his wife is beautiful.  Now, Sue is a very nice person.  She is sweet and caring.  She is a wonderful mother and a wonderful friend.  She loves and appreciates Jim very much.  She loves to cuddle, hold hands, whisper sweet nothings, take romantic walks, play footsie under the table, give him sexy looks, rip open the shower curtain and show off her body to him, and fall asleep every night in front of the TV.   To Sue, having sex at the end of a perfect, romantic date just ruins the romance.  She does not think sex is romantic.  If she and Jim have sex once every month or two, she feels that is enough.  While I don’t find this behavior despicable, I do find it extremely selfish.

I would venture to guess that most couples have different need levels in any marriage.  It is probably more common for the man to need sex more frequently than the woman, but there are plenty of women who are not having their needs met by their husbands, too.

So what’s the right amount?    I personally think that the person with the least sexual desire should NOT be the one determining how much and how often.  For me and my marriage, I had to step it up.  Back when sex was not on the list for me,  Conan would remind me how long it had been every 15 minutes, it seemed to me,  ha ha!  (see my post on why is my husband always, always asking for sex, sex and more sex?)   and then I’d  acquiesce when I couldn’t hold him off any longer .   Without Conan reminding me,  I wouldn’t think about it again for weeks.   This was very, very hard on Conan.  Which I completely didn’t understand!  Nobody was telling me or had ever told me about any of this kind of stuff.   So I shouldn’t have been the one determining frequency of sex in our marriage.

Now, if Conan wanted it every day, which he doesn’t, as I discovered after I stopped saying no all the time, I feel that would be unreasonable if I had lots of demands on my time already, especially little kids.    It shouldn’t become an ironclad law that sex must be had every day or else you’ll get a big red X on the calendar!   But I did have to make sex a priority in my life for the health of my marriage.

I’ve learned, after 24 years, that marriage is a lot of compromise and negotiation.  And negotiating sexual frequency requires compromise!  Oh, and communication.   If Conan hadn’t made me crazy with his asking for sex all the time, it wouldn’t have become a priority for me to learn about why this was happening and what I should do about it.   If he hadn’t said anything I would have gone about my merry way, perfectly content with the way things were.   And I would be missing out on the benefits of a happy sex life.   On the flip side, I think that if one spouse wants it every day and the other one doesn’t, then maybe that higher frequency spouse can scale it down just a bit, out of consideration.   And they will still benefit from a happy sex life.

So I think that, like a lot of things in marriage, that meeting in the middle somewhere is good.  The spouse who wants it every day can say, okay, honey, how about 3-4 times a week?  The spouse who doesn’t have much of a sex drive can say, okay, I’ll commit to 2-3 times a week and see how that goes and maybe add one more time if it works out.

So communicate what you want and need and negotiate and compromise about it.  I hope and pray for happy, healthy marriages!

Achieving Orgasm, Man vs Woman

Have you noticed the huge difference in the achieving of a woman’s orgasm as compared to a man’s?   It’s perfectly natural for a man to quickly come to orgasm.  No effort involved at all.   And it just happens.  He doesn’t have to learn how to do it or get to know his body so he knows what he likes.  A man has to train himself to hold off, hold back, keep going, and delay gratification.    I’m also thinking that an occasional quickie for a man must be such a relief!  No holding back, no “thinking baseball” no making sure he lasts long enough.

For a woman it is just about polar opposite.  It’s perfectly natural for a woman to take 15, 20, 30 minutes to get there.  A woman might have to learn how to do it.   A woman may have to concentrate, focus, work for it,  and strive to get gratification.     Once upon a time I used to have to work so hard and wait so long for that elusive O that I sometimes thought it just wasn’t worth it!     I’m wondering why it takes so long for women?  In a perfect world should it work like it does in the bodice ripper novels, both man and woman simultaneously orgasming at the end?

It’s so simple for a man to achieve orgasm.  While it is no longer difficult for me to orgasm, it certainly isn’t like a man.  I sometimes wish it was.   Why isn’t it?

No answers yet, just questions.

Proverbs 5:19

Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her breasts satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love.

I don’t know why men like their wive’s breasts as much as they do, but it’s clear that it’s nothing new!  And they seem to like them no matter how long they’ve been married!  I heard Dr. Laura say one day that most men see their wives as they were when they were first married.   I passed that on to my BFF and she and I agree.  So ladies, be happy that your husband loves your body!!!

That’s all.  🙂

Being Sexually Giving

United Couple XVI by Alijan Alijanpour art print

We are selfish beings.  That is part of our carnal nature, part of the natural man.  To put off the natural man we need to become giving and selfless and serve others.  There are lots of ways we can be giving and selfless to our spouse.  But one of the most important ways we can do that is sexually.   For the most part, I’m referring to wives being more sexually giving to their husbands.  But guys can also become more sexually giving.

Can we give our spouse something for no reason other than that he/she wants it?  I say yes, we can.  My example is:  I want cuddle time after sex  (see my “basking” post).  Lately Conan has done his best to give me that–after reading the post a couple times.  He wants to jump right up, he wants to get cleaned up right away and get to the next item on the agenda.  He doesn’t care for cuddling, basking, reveling.  He gets nothing out of it.  But he is being giving and unselfish to me, for no other reason than that he loves me and wants to please me.

I feel it is very important to be sexually giving to our spouse.  Some women feel like they shouldn’t have to be sexually giving; they are giving in all these other ways.  They may do the laundry, they may cook the meals, they may take care of the children, and on and on.  These things are all wonderful, important things to do.  I feel most men would agree that while they appreciate all these things that their wife does, those things don’t necessarily make them feel loved AND those things don’t give him the opportunity to show love to his wife.  In addition, those things are not bonding to a marriage.  They don’t bring a husband and wife closer together.

“The sexual side of marriage is closely linked with the emotional and personal elements in the relationship. … What the married couple have to achieve, therefore, is a sex relationship that expresses, sustains, and renews their deepest and most tender feelings for each other.” (David R. Mace, Success in Marriage, Nashville, Tenn.: Abingdon Press, 1958, pp. 47–48.)  (bold mine.   I was interested to note the date this was published.  p.s. I got this from lds.org. )

We women, in general (from what I can gather)  don’t typically rank sexual expression at the top of our list.  So we don’t see why it’s so important to our husbands.  Sure, orgasms are nice, but we typically don’t need that.  But we do need other things from our husbands.  We want to feel cherished, adored, listened to, helped and supported.   Sometimes, in fact, we can be pretty demanding about what we want from our husbands in those areas.  Somehow, though, we can become selfish about it. We don’t feel the need to reciprocate.  We don’t consider his needs.   We don’t put any importance on the sexual side of our relationship and we disdain that need in our husbands as a biological urge to be suppressed, like gluttony or anger.

Instead of thinking, “Why do I care if he wants this or that?  It’s not important. ”   Maybe we should be thinking of doing something nice, being giving and loving.   Recognize and accept that your husband probably needs the sexual part of your  relationship, not just for physical reasons but emotional ones, too, and that is IS important.   Then try to meet his need.

Remember how it feels to plan a big surprise for someone you love?  How exciting it is, knowing that he/she is just going to LOVE the surprise?  Doesn’t it make YOU feel happy?  You can get that same wonderful feeling planning something intimate for your husband.   Maybe he wants the lights on, or at least not completely off.  Maybe he really wants you to initiate once in a while.  Maybe he would really like a certain position.  Maybe he would like to have sex more often.  Maybe he would like you to wake him up in the middle of the night and give him something good to dream about!  Plan it out.  Think about what you’re going to do and how you’re going to do it.  Look forward to how much you’re going to make him happy, which in turn makes YOU happy!  Making others happy, serving others, giving to others, makes us HAPPY!

On the other side of the coin, so to speak, husbands can usually be giving to their wives in more non-sexual ways, such as  listening, talking, snuggling, giving back rubs, etc.   NEWSFLASH:  Men don’t always want to do those things, either!!!  It’s generally not ranked high on their list.   What if your husband said to you one day, “Honey, this talking all the time is getting tiring.  We’ve done enough talking.  I am done with talking.  From now on, we will limit our talking to what’s necessary to get through the day.”   Or, “No, I’m just not in the mood to talk right now.  Maybe some other time.”  Or, “What, AGAIN?  We just talked last week!”  Or how about “I really hate giving you backrubs.  I get nothing out of it, and I’m not doing it anymore.”   That would be selfish and self serving.  I’m pretty sure that when your husband does these little things you like he’s doing it because he loves you and wants to please you.  Which in turn pleases him.

Now,   I received a very nice side benefit of being sexually giving (aside from the obvious physical benefits).  All that giving made me love Conan more.  It strengthened our bond outside the bedroom.  We became happier as a couple in many ways.

I would like to challenge you to find some way of being sexually giving to your husband, not just one time, but multiple times.  I’m going to go out on a limb and say you’ll be pleasantly surprised with the results.