We are selfish beings. That is part of our carnal nature, part of the natural man. To put off the natural man we need to become giving and selfless and serve others. There are lots of ways we can be giving and selfless to our spouse. But one of the most important ways we can do that is sexually. For the most part, I’m referring to wives being more sexually giving to their husbands. But guys can also become more sexually giving.
Can we give our spouse something for no reason other than that he/she wants it? I say yes, we can. My example is: I want cuddle time after sex (see my “basking” post). Lately Conan has done his best to give me that–after reading the post a couple times. He wants to jump right up, he wants to get cleaned up right away and get to the next item on the agenda. He doesn’t care for cuddling, basking, reveling. He gets nothing out of it. But he is being giving and unselfish to me, for no other reason than that he loves me and wants to please me.
I feel it is very important to be sexually giving to our spouse. Some women feel like they shouldn’t have to be sexually giving; they are giving in all these other ways. They may do the laundry, they may cook the meals, they may take care of the children, and on and on. These things are all wonderful, important things to do. I feel most men would agree that while they appreciate all these things that their wife does, those things don’t necessarily make them feel loved AND those things don’t give him the opportunity to show love to his wife. In addition, those things are not bonding to a marriage. They don’t bring a husband and wife closer together.
“The sexual side of marriage is closely linked with the emotional and personal elements in the relationship. … What the married couple have to achieve, therefore, is a sex relationship that expresses, sustains, and renews their deepest and most tender feelings for each other.” (David R. Mace, Success in Marriage, Nashville, Tenn.: Abingdon Press, 1958, pp. 47–48.) (bold mine. I was interested to note the date this was published. p.s. I got this from lds.org. )
We women, in general (from what I can gather) don’t typically rank sexual expression at the top of our list. So we don’t see why it’s so important to our husbands. Sure, orgasms are nice, but we typically don’t need that. But we do need other things from our husbands. We want to feel cherished, adored, listened to, helped and supported. Sometimes, in fact, we can be pretty demanding about what we want from our husbands in those areas. Somehow, though, we can become selfish about it. We don’t feel the need to reciprocate. We don’t consider his needs. We don’t put any importance on the sexual side of our relationship and we disdain that need in our husbands as a biological urge to be suppressed, like gluttony or anger.
Instead of thinking, “Why do I care if he wants this or that? It’s not important. ” Maybe we should be thinking of doing something nice, being giving and loving. Recognize and accept that your husband probably needs the sexual part of your relationship, not just for physical reasons but emotional ones, too, and that is IS important. Then try to meet his need.
Remember how it feels to plan a big surprise for someone you love? How exciting it is, knowing that he/she is just going to LOVE the surprise? Doesn’t it make YOU feel happy? You can get that same wonderful feeling planning something intimate for your husband. Maybe he wants the lights on, or at least not completely off. Maybe he really wants you to initiate once in a while. Maybe he would really like a certain position. Maybe he would like to have sex more often. Maybe he would like you to wake him up in the middle of the night and give him something good to dream about! Plan it out. Think about what you’re going to do and how you’re going to do it. Look forward to how much you’re going to make him happy, which in turn makes YOU happy! Making others happy, serving others, giving to others, makes us HAPPY!
On the other side of the coin, so to speak, husbands can usually be giving to their wives in more non-sexual ways, such as listening, talking, snuggling, giving back rubs, etc. NEWSFLASH: Men don’t always want to do those things, either!!! It’s generally not ranked high on their list. What if your husband said to you one day, “Honey, this talking all the time is getting tiring. We’ve done enough talking. I am done with talking. From now on, we will limit our talking to what’s necessary to get through the day.” Or, “No, I’m just not in the mood to talk right now. Maybe some other time.” Or, “What, AGAIN? We just talked last week!” Or how about “I really hate giving you backrubs. I get nothing out of it, and I’m not doing it anymore.” That would be selfish and self serving. I’m pretty sure that when your husband does these little things you like he’s doing it because he loves you and wants to please you. Which in turn pleases him.
Now, I received a very nice side benefit of being sexually giving (aside from the obvious physical benefits). All that giving made me love Conan more. It strengthened our bond outside the bedroom. We became happier as a couple in many ways.
I would like to challenge you to find some way of being sexually giving to your husband, not just one time, but multiple times. I’m going to go out on a limb and say you’ll be pleasantly surprised with the results.