Just a little caution with this post. I may be more explicit than some are comfortable with.
Black Iris, Georgia O'Keeffe
I have one thing to say before I start into the subject of my post. And that is about “The Letter” from 1982. If you don’t know what this “letter” is, don’t worry about it. Forget it. I have been a member of the church my entire life, and never heard about this letter until just a few short months ago. I can find no reference to it AT ALL on lds.org. I got my temple recommend almost six years ago now, and nothing at all was mentioned in my temple prep classes about it, and nothing was mentioned in my temple recommend interview about it. If this was church policy, people would be hearing about it. If it was a sin that could keep you from the temple, people would be hearing about it. What about all the new converts since this letter? All of them are happily going about their lives, quite a few probably having great oral sex, with no idea that some of the older members of the church are convinced that it’s a sin. The church stays out of our bedrooms. The marriage bed is undefiled (see Hebrews 13:4). That’s all I have to say about it. On to the post!
As you may know, Conan was not my first. But even though I have a slightly checkered past, my experience with oral sex could just as easily be with one partner. Anyway, my first boyfriend performed oral sex on me, and that turned out to be the only way I could orgasm. Here’s the rub, I didn’t like it. I was extremely self conscious of my look and scent.
I thought my vulva looked ugly. Now, I’d seen some porn and all I knew was that my vulva didn’t look like the vulvas on those women. So I didn’t like mine. Well, here’s something no one ever told me. Those women have every little hair waxed off from front to back, sometimes with the exception of a small strip in the front called a “landing strip”. And the hairs that don’t come off with the wax get plucked out by hand by someone VERY up close and personal. That may be common knowledge in 2011, but back in 1984, before the internet, how would a sheltered girl from a small town know such a thing? I certainly didn’t.
Well, anyway, if I ever did orgasm, it was through oral sex, so I put up with it. The ends justify the means, that sort of thing!
My next boyfriend, The Boyfriend, did not want to do oral sex on me. It was definitely all about him. See my “Gasp, Swallowing” post. Anyway, in one of his more “giving” moments, he decided he was going to bring me to orgasm manually. It didn’t happen. But the fact that he didn’t want to do oral sex on me just reinforced my negative opinion and attitude about it.
Hello, Conan the Barbarian! Conan at least willingly did what I needed to be satisfied, but I think I projected some of my negativity onto him. I thought he didn’t like it. I think I may have conditioned Conan to not like it, and I reinforced my own conditioning that it wasn’t a good thing. He used to comment about lingering scents in his mustache (in a good way, by the way). I told him how gross I thought that was. I think I may have talked him into feeling like it wasn’t very good. Conan being Conan, he kept working at pleasing me in other ways until he had mastered the art of manual stimulation and then we completely stopped doing oral sex for me, because I was just so much more comfortable with manual stimulation and it was so much easier for me to orgasm.
This may be far out of some people’s comfort zones, but one of the things we really enjoy doing is switching back and forth from intercourse to my giving Conan oral sex and back again. I got the idea to do this when I saw how much Conan liked it when I would suck his fingers after he touched me. If he liked that so much, how much more would he like oral after intercourse? Answer: A lot. When I started doing that, of course I was going to experience my own taste and scent. I discovered that it is not bad, not gross, not disgusting. I would say it’s actually very nice.
Then I found an interesting forum on the internet, TheMarriageBed.com, and some of the threads wax poetic about oral sex for her. Women love it. Men love it. To hear them talk about it, you’d think it was the best thing in the world! Okay, so now I want to experience this “best thing in the world” for myself. Trouble is, I can’t quite bring myself to actually do it. I still cringe at the thought that maybe Conan won’t enjoy it. I think if my mental attitude is not right, then even if it feels good I’m not going to like it.
(I even bought a waxing kit and am ready to rip all the hair out of my vulva to make it more appealing. Except that I’m just a little chicken. Waxing the bikini line and shaving some bits is one thing, waxing those bits is quite another. YIKES!)
I’ve talked to Conan a bit about this. He thinks I just need to not worry about what other people are doing, that what we are doing works for us. He thinks I obsess over things and have spent too much time on TheMarriageBed.com. ( He just may be right about that, by the way. I”m like a dog with a bone.) I say, well, what if it’s good now? What if I like it now? He does say it’s not his favorite thing, but he’d be more than willing if he thought that I liked it as much as manual stimulation. Well, I just want to try it again! We’ve been married a long time, lots of our likes and dislikes have changed, more than just sexually, and I’m thinking this just might be one of those things. Maybe. I just cannot get over the mental block that Conan doesn’t like it and won’t like it and then it’s ruined for me. Then I get all self-conscious just THINKING about it and that’s an orgasm shut-down if there ever was one. I keep telling myself, tonight I’m going to ask for it. Tonight comes and goes and I don’t ask. I get as nervous as if I’m about to sing a solo in church, ha ha! HOWEVER, I do sing solos in church, and I sound quite lovely, if I do say so myself. If I can do that, surely I can ask my husband to give me oral sex, to experiment, to keep at it until I’m comfortable with it. And then maybe it can be a part of what we do sometimes. I want to make our already wonderful sex life even better. I want to experience all there is to experience with Conan. I just have to ask.
That was going to be the end of my post, but here’s something I just discovered, this minute, about myself! “LIGHT BULB MOMENT!” I don’t want to ask. I want Conan to just do it. With enthusiasm. Not taking no for an answer. Hey, I sound exactly like the guys who wish their wives would give them oral sex once in awhile without being asked! Wow, am I gaining some empathy here!
My advice to myself is: I’m just going to have to relax and ask. Relax, Zookie, and ASK! I’m pretty sure that eventually I won’t have to ask any more. ‘Cause Conan is just that awesome.