Several years ago a friend of mine told me that there were two types of female orgasms, internal and external. In other words, clitoral and vaginal or G-spot orgasms. I flat out did not believe her. Orgasms come from clitoral stimulation and that is that, I thought. Well, I rationalized, maybe these women just don’t even KNOW what an orgasm really is. Maybe they just think they are having one? After awhile, I started thinking, well, maybe they’re right and I’m the one missing out! I’m not having this kind of orgasm. Am I defective because I can’t orgasm through penetration? Why is it so easy in bodice ripper novels for the woman to climax? The man just enters her, spends just the right amount of time doing just the right thing, and KAPOW! Climax! But that’s fiction, right? Penthouse Forum for women. We all know those Penthouse stories are made up, and so are the sex scenes in the bodice ripper novels, right? But wait, maybe not! Is there something wrong with me? Or something wrong with my husband? Why would I hear about women orgasming from penile penetration alone, with no clitoral stimulation, if it didn’t happen? WHAT’S THE DEAL, HERE???
Then I found some statistics that made me feel better. Only about 30% of women can reach climax through penile penetration. Whew! I’m not broken! But then I found a site that refuted that statistic, saying it was false and we women just had to LEARN how to have these types of orgasms, and that we all could if we really wanted to. Here we go again. I already had to LEARN how to have a clitoral orgasm for crack’s sake, and now I have to learn how to have a vaginal orgasm.
Some time later Conan found the G-spot. I said, wow, Conan, where did you learn THAT?!? He got a Men’s Health article in his e-mail about finding the G-spot. What a nice e-mail! The G-spot is a good spot! Yay, yay, hip hip hooray for Men’s Health. I’m loving this new thing. And hey, maybe I’ll get to have that kind of O now! But guess what? It did NOT happen. Don’t get me wrong, the spot is great. This new thing in our bedroom is never going off the table, so to speak. But I am not O-ing from it. AAARRRGGGGHHH!!!
Well, aren’t there supposed to be positions that are more conducive to a female orgasm? Oh, yeah, the recommended position that is supposed to be a surefire winner for a woman to orgasm during intercourse is woman on top. Mmmm-hmmmm, woman on top is a great position! Very, very nice. But no orgasm. Nope, not even a little bit.
Conan the Barbarian gets irritated with me when I start talking about this woman or that woman having an orgasm during intercourse. He says, why can’t you just be happy with the kazillion orgasms you get from manual stimulation, huh? Why not? Well, I am quite happy with them, thank you very much, Conan!!! They are great! Mindblowing! Full body ecstasy! And they keep happening in waves and waves of deliciousness. (I should stop now, I know, I can get carried away.) So why can’t I just be happy with them and move on? Huh? Why?
Well, I’ll tell you. I just can’t stand the thought of something good out there on the sex menu that I’m not getting to try. It’s like (here we go with food analogies) seeing the chocolate caramel fudge torte with whipped cream on the menu, hearing everyone rave about how good it is, but not getting to EAT IT!! Not fair, I cry! I want what she’s having, okay? Don’t say, you can have lemon and white chocolate mousse with strawberries now go be happy about it. Yes, I love that! But I already HAVE that! Okay, well, maybe I have the chocolate caramel fudge torte with whipped cream and she has the lemon and white chocolate mousse with strawberries. In either case, I. Want. What. She’s. Having. End of story.