Archive | July 2011

Make Up Sex

I have this Jack Vettriano print hanging in our bedroom.  Conan bought it for me for our anniversary one year.   The title is “Dance Me to the End of Love”.  I love Jack Vettriano and I love this painting!  I always imagine that’s Conan and me in the picture.  AND I just found out that Jack Vettriano is a Scot, and I have a real thing for Scottish men ha ha!  And the accent, oh, don’t get me started!  Okay, okay, enough!  🙂

Last week Conan and I got into a huge fight.  Worse than we’ve had in, oh, I’d say a couple years.  He made me so mad and then I was horrible to him and made him madder, so he was horrible to me and so I was meaner to him and he was meaner to me and it just snowballed.  The only good thing I have to say is we did not break furniture or make holes in walls or anything!  We are both pretty passionate people, but have learned some restraint!  🙂  The fight was around midnight, and at one point I just shut down and refused to talk anymore.  So he went to bed and I did some work (I work from home).  The next day was not much better.  He left for work early,  and since I worked ’til 3:00 a.m. I was asleep so we did not talk.

So that day I sat and stewed and waited for him to call and apologize, which he did not do.  I started looking at this painting and thinking.  Well, the painting softened my heart towards him.  Then I remembered this comment from my post

Chet says:

“This is not always the case, but sometimes the unspoken word in make up sex is ‘I am sorry and I love you’. The close bond in sex can help mend hurt feelings and help us to want to put those feelings behind us.”

I sat and looked at my painting and mulled over these words from Chet.  And my heart softened some more.  I decided that was just what we needed that night.

When Conan got home from slaying  the bad guys all day, we were a little strained around each other, but trying to be normal.  That night, though, I followed up on the advice and we had a very, very wonderful time.  Afterwards he looked at me with love and tenderness and asked, “Is everything all right, now?”  I answered yes.  Everything was all right, and all was forgiven.  I lovingly and sincerely apologized, he did the same, and it’s really as if it never happened.

So thank you, Chet, for opening my eyes and teaching me something new and wonderful.

Talk to me!

Thank you for coming to my blog!  It’s great! Oh, and I love comments!  Please comment!  Talk to me!  I want to hear what you have to say!

[End of exclamation point overload.]

Seriously, I’d love to hear from you.  🙂

Oral Sex for Me, Part III

I’ve been scared of oral sex.  Specifically, of having oral sex performed on me.  Even though I used to ONLY orgasm through oral sex, it would take quite awhile for me to achieve orgasm, and I didn’t like it (go figure).  Not just that it took too long, but I was self-conscious about it.  I had a negative opinion of my body, especially my vulva.  I thought there was no possible way giving cunnilingus could be enjoyable, and was something for a man to tolerate, at best.  Conan and I stopped doing that years ago, since we were able to bring me to orgasm so much more effectively and pleasurably through manual stimulation.

A couple years ago I stumbled across a website called The Marriage Bed.  There’s a great forum there, and I found it very interesting to read about what other people were saying/doing.  I was pretty amazed by all the men who waxed poetic about giving their wives oral sex.  How much they love their wife’s vulva and everything about it, the sight, scent, feel, taste, everything.  They especially like giving their wives pleasure in that way.  I started thinking about it.  I started feeling like I might be missing out on something great!  I began to examine my emotions and mental attitude towards it.  I took a good look at myself with a different mindset and decided that I was beautiful there, just like everywhere else.  Then I decided that I wanted it.

After talking about it (and blogging about it!) Conan told me he was going to do it!  He called me up one day and told me exactly what he was going to do to me that night.  YIKES!  As I said in Part  II of this trilogy, I was very, very nervous!    Well, that night it didn’t happen.  Too much pressure to perform on both our parts, I believe, and things felt stilted and contrived.  But just knowing that he was going to do it was a good thing.

So one night, after a short while, with no prompting or blogging (ha ha!) from me, Conan just slid down and began.  It felt as natural as breathing.   I was completely comfortable and confident in myself and in him.   It was lovely.  We both went into it with no intention of me having an orgasm, as my lovely reader, CM, advised.  Well, within a matter of minutes, I was responding and orgasming.  (I hope that is not too much detail!)   And after Conan finished with oral, I continued to respond to other things and had even more orgasms.

A little later, I wanted to analyse it and dissect it.  That drives Conan NUTS!  But he relented and answered my questions and talked about it.  He liked the lack of hair there.  I had no taste.  He liked that I wasn’t all self-conscious and freaked out.  His jaw got tired, ha ha!!  I liked a few things he did that I did NOT like years ago.  In fact, I liked them A LOT.  We were both very surprised at the speed and intensity with which I responded.   I guess it’s true that our biggest sex organ is our brain.  It sure seems like it in this situation!

Conan likes to say that if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.  Well, I don’t feel like adding cunnilingus to our sex life is fixing what isn’t broken, it’s adding to a wonderful thing!

So now, I said to Conan, I want to do 69.  But you don’t like that, Conan answered.  We both laughed!

Excuses, excuses

What have you done to get out of sex?   These are things I’ve done/said to get out of sex.

  • I’m tired
  • Have to get up early
  • We just had sex, didn’t we?
  • How can you be horny again already?
  • Stay downstairs watching TV and sneak in after he’s been asleep awhile
  • Stay downstairs doing ANYTHING and sneak in after he’s been asleep awhile
  • The kids might hear
  • I’m not in the mood
  • I’m stressed out
  • I want to watch TV
  • I want to read this book
  • I have too much to do
  • Fall asleep in child’s bed, come to bed really  late
  • Fall asleep watching TV, come to bed really late
  • I don’t feel good
  • I don’t feel an emotional connection
  • I don’t feel like being touched
  • I didn’t want to wake you up
  • I feel pressured
  • You only want me for sex
  • I’m fat
  • I have PMS
  • I just can’t get into it
  • Stop it
  • Quit it
  • No
  • Do you ever think about anything else
  • Fine, but let’s make it quick, okay
  • I’m not like porn girls
  • I’m in a bad mood
And the number one way to get out of sex, DRUM ROLL PLEASE,
START A HUGE FIGHT and/or be completely cold and aloof.
These are all things I’ve done to get out of sex.  They are all WRONG, and very bad for a marriage.
Take my advice, ladies, Do NOT Do This!  If you love your husband and want your marriage to last, do the exact opposite of this list.  And if these things are symptomatic of other problems in your marriage, STILL do the exact opposite of this list.
Today in Relief Society our lesson was on loving family relationships.  The focus was on mothering, but we did touch on the marital relationship.  We discussed that parents love and support each other.  That the greatest gift you can give your children is to love your spouse.  That we should work on being less selfish.  I raised my hand to comment but didn’t get called on, so didn’t get  a chance to say what I wanted to say.  I’m going to say now that you cannot fully show your love and support for your spouse without meeting your spouse’s sexual and intimacy needs, be you husband or wife.
Stop making excuses!!!  Bless your marriage and bless your husband.

Hotel Sex

Does the sight of the above picture get your motor running???  Don’t laugh, it does me!  What is it about a simple hotel/motel room that is such an aphrodisiac?  Conan and I are like Pavlov’s dogs when we enter a hotel room.  We see those beds and we start to salivate.  We become ravening, lust crazed beasts.

It all started with our first hotel room without children (not including our honeymoon), which didn’t happen until well into our marriage, due to the fact that Conan came with two little ones already attached.  Anyway, we walked into that room and put down our luggage and relaxed on the bed.  Five seconds later we were attacking each other.  We could have stayed in that hotel room all the rest of  that evening, all night, and all morning until check-out.  It was a sex marathon.  I wasn’t sure what had gotten into me! I certainly never felt like having a sex marathon at home!

This behavior continued every time we were able to stay in a hotel by ourselves.  We began to joke that we should  buy some hotel furniture for our bedroom because it was like magic!

What is it about being in a hotel?  Well, you have a break from bills, callings, chores, kids, and you know you don’t have to get up and go to work in the morning.  You don’t have to make that bed.  You don’t have to clean that shower.   You are FREEEEEE!!  It’s decadent.  It’s luxurious.  It’s exhilarating.  Oh, and it’s nothing like spending the night at your in-laws, where your randy husband wants to bang you in the bed he slept in as a kid with his parents in the next room.  Why does Conan always get such a sad puppy face when we are at his parents’ house and I whisper vehemently, “NO!  What is wrong with you, are you CRAZY???”

Ahhh, hotel rooms.  They are some of my favorite places.  UNLESS:

Compare the above beautiful picture to the reality of last week, below:

This was us on vacation last week.  Conan, Little Conan, Conan Jr., Zookie Jr., and Zookie.  As you can see, Conan and Zookie are as far apart from each other as we can get.  We are in a hotel, our minds and bodies are conditioned to respond to the stimuli, and we can’t do ANYTHING!!!

I know, I know, let’s sneak into the bathroom when they’re all asleep and do the wild thing!  Wrong!  Conan Jr. is an older teen and he stays up ALL NIGHT.  Well, half the night.  And by the time half the night is over Conan and I are snoring like buzz saws and couldn’t find our way into the bathroom to do anything, let alone the wild thing.  And of course it would be just our luck that one of the little devils would wake up to go to the bathroom just as things were really heating up in there.

12-year old:  Mom!  Dad!  What are you doing in there?

Nothing, honey, go back to sleep.

But I have to go to the bathroom!

What?  Can’t you hold it?

Mom!  I have to go to the bathroom and I want to go back to bed!

Fine.  (Whispers) Conan, you’re going to have to wait until we get home.

No problem.  Mr. Happy has lost his happiness and droops sadly, going back with Conan to the bed with the 10-year-old boy who takes up 3/4ths of the bed and puts his feet in your back.

12-year-old asks 18-year-old brother about it in the morning, and 18-year-old educates little sister on the grossness of parent sex.

That is not a dream, it’s a nightmare.  And one all too likely to happen!  So last week we did have a wonderful vacation, but we really, really wished we could have had a room to ourselves.  Next time we are going to make sure of it.

When a Woman Isn’t in the Mood

Lucky in Love I Print

I have listened to Dennis Prager a few times when he was on our local radio stations and I like what he has to say.  I didn’t know he was so knowledgeable about the male/female relationship, though.   Check out this great two part essay on men, women and sexual frequency.

When a Woman Isn’t in the Mood, Part I




When A Woman Isn’t in the Mood, Part II


He articulates his points very clearly:

“A man whose wife frequently denies him sex will first be hurt, then sad, then angry, then quiet. And most men will never tell their wives why they have become quiet and distant. They are afraid to tell their wives. They are often made to feel ashamed of their male sexual nature, and they are humiliated (indeed emasculated) by feeling that they are reduced to having to beg for sex.”


“…A kind woman who is not sexual with her husband is not feminine. She is a kind roommate.  Furthermore, a woman who denies the man she loves sex is not kind.”  


“…Many women believe that it would simply be wrong to have sex with their husband when they are not in the mood to. Of course, most women never regard it as hypocritical and rightly regard it as admirable when they meet their child’s or parent’s or friend’s needs when they are not in the mood to do so. ”

I believe these articles are well thought out and reasonable.  He explains how a man feels and how important sex is to him.  What do you think?

Oral Sex for Me, Part II

Conan called me from work to tell me one thing.  In his usual blunt and to the point fashion, he said, “Honey, I just called to tell you that tonight I’m  going to !

In other words, he’s going to do what I have requested.  So now I’m nervous!!  Have I built something up in my mind that can’t be lived up to?  What if I freeze up and can’t orgasm at all?  What if he forgot how to do it and is no good at it?  Will he keep trying until we get it right?  Maybe I should buy him the book “She Comes First”, first.  Maybe I should tell him to just forget it.

Good grief, why does this have to be so complicated?  We’ve been married for almost 24 years, for goodness sake!  Haven’t we shared everything?  Haven’t we seen everything?  Yes and yes.  Why have I built this up in my mind to be this complicated thing?  It’s not like this isn’t happening somewhere to someone at any given moment!

Giving a guy oral sex is a piece of cake.  There’s not much to it, really, since his parts are pretty simple.   And beyond that, I KNOW he likes it.  I know I like it.  I’m pretty darn good at it if I do say so myself.   The other night Conan grabbed my hair and pushed me firmly down because he knew what he wanted and he was going to get it.  I have ZERO problem with that.  I like it when he does that!  So why can’t I do the same?  Because being the receiver instead of the giver is harder than it sounds.  It makes me feel vulnerable.  It makes me feel self-conscious and exposed.  I don’t like to feel any of those things.

I think I need to GET OVER IT!  Take a chill pill and calm down.

I don’t mean to sit here and over-analyze this, but this is one more way to remove invisible barriers from between us.  To increase trust and closeness.  To show and feel love for EVERY PART  of each other.

I guess I’m telling you all this to say that even though I feel like Conan and I have a wonderful marriage and sex life there are areas in our life together where we are still growing.  Where I am still growing.  We don’t have it all together.  But we are working at that.  We’ll get there someday.  It’s a good thing we’ve had years together and by the Grace of God we’ll have many more years to get it together.  And tonight will be a good place to start.