Conan called me from work to tell me one thing. In his usual blunt and to the point fashion, he said, “Honey, I just called to tell you that tonight I’m going to !
In other words, he’s going to do what I have requested. So now I’m nervous!! Have I built something up in my mind that can’t be lived up to? What if I freeze up and can’t orgasm at all? What if he forgot how to do it and is no good at it? Will he keep trying until we get it right? Maybe I should buy him the book “She Comes First”, first. Maybe I should tell him to just forget it.
Good grief, why does this have to be so complicated? We’ve been married for almost 24 years, for goodness sake! Haven’t we shared everything? Haven’t we seen everything? Yes and yes. Why have I built this up in my mind to be this complicated thing? It’s not like this isn’t happening somewhere to someone at any given moment!
Giving a guy oral sex is a piece of cake. There’s not much to it, really, since his parts are pretty simple. And beyond that, I KNOW he likes it. I know I like it. I’m pretty darn good at it if I do say so myself. The other night Conan grabbed my hair and pushed me firmly down because he knew what he wanted and he was going to get it. I have ZERO problem with that. I like it when he does that! So why can’t I do the same? Because being the receiver instead of the giver is harder than it sounds. It makes me feel vulnerable. It makes me feel self-conscious and exposed. I don’t like to feel any of those things.
I think I need to GET OVER IT! Take a chill pill and calm down.
I don’t mean to sit here and over-analyze this, but this is one more way to remove invisible barriers from between us. To increase trust and closeness. To show and feel love for EVERY PART of each other.
I guess I’m telling you all this to say that even though I feel like Conan and I have a wonderful marriage and sex life there are areas in our life together where we are still growing. Where I am still growing. We don’t have it all together. But we are working at that. We’ll get there someday. It’s a good thing we’ve had years together and by the Grace of God we’ll have many more years to get it together. And tonight will be a good place to start.