Archive | August 2011

Believe Your Man

My post on turning on the lights  generated more comments on a wife not believing her husband when he compliments her than it did on turning on the lights.  This was surprising to me.  I thought it was just me.  I thought I was the only one that refused to believe my husband when he complimented me.

Guys do not say things, generally, the way women sometimes do.  If they say something, they usually mean it.  They don’t inject hidden meaning into what they say.  Conan used to always tell me not to put words into his mouth.  I would say, but that’s what I HEARD you say.  He’d say, well, I didn’t say that.  And sometimes I could see that he just said what he meant and meant what he said.  But not always.  I was always looking for, and hearing, a hidden meaning or something inferred in the things he said.  I have learned, over time, that I need to curb the part of myself that wants to impregnate everything he says with some hidden meaning, and take his words at face value.  Even then, sometimes the face value means something different to me than it does to him.   I don’t understand it, that’s just how it is.

Conan used to tell me how pretty I was, how sexy, how much he liked my appearance.  I would reject and scorn his compliments.  But I would accept them from others.  Conan began saying, “You’ll only believe another man, any other man but me, that you’re attractive. ”  I would deny it, but in retrospect, it was true.  I would believe it of another man, but not of Conan.  I’m not sure I understand why, myself.  I certainly can’t explain it.  I’d need months in psychotherapy to figure myself out, ha ha!  So Conan started backing off on the compliments.  They became few and far between, and even if I asked him specifically how I looked he would say, “It doesn’t matter what I say, anyway, so I’m not saying.”   This led me to think that my suspicions had been right all along.  I then reinforced in my own mind what I suspected.  He really didn’t like my looks, he was just saying things.  (I promise I’m not a crazy person.  I really am not!)

As I got older, though, I started to see myself as a beautiful woman.  I started to hate it when I would put myself down.  I hated those negative feelings.  I started to want to feel good about myself.  I figured out that this would never come from what some stranger thought of me, that it had to come from within myself.  I eventually came to the realization that I wanted Conan to think I was the prettiest, the sexiest, the most beautiful woman to him.  I realized that he did think so, and had tried to tell me so for years.  So when the rare compliment would come, I began simply saying “Thank you.”  That’s it.  No denials, no shrugging it off, nothing like that.  Just thank you.  And I began repeating his words in my head.  You’re so pretty.  You’re a great wife.  And so on.  (Awww, Conan is so nice!)  One of his “pet” names for me is “Sex Goddess”.   The problem was I didn’t want to be sexual, so any reference to me being sexual was off-putting.  Of course that has all changed, and I’m glad he never stopped calling me that, because I absolutely love being his Sex Goddess.  I believe all the compliments Conan pays me now, and I cherish each one.

Our husbands are not lying to us when they compliment us.  They are not using vain flattery to satisfy their earthly lusts.  That sounds horrible, doesn’t it?  Well, when we think our husbands are just saying things to “get some” we are calling them liars. Put that way it sounds quite ugly.   Do we really want to be projecting that on our husbands?

I believe most guys are good guys.  They mean what they say.  They are sincere.  I say “Believe your man!”  And let his love and admiration for you help you to release your inhibitions in your marriage bed.  It is a freeing and sensual feeling to forget all about your flaws, real or imagined, and just be the sex goddess you were meant to be.  Your sex life will definitely benefit from it!

What Do You Wish You’d Known?

I was helping some sisters in my ward prepare the food for a wedding reception.  The weddings of two young virgins always makes me think about the “first time”.  My first time I wasn’t ignorant of sex, (I’d been reading romance novels and had read a few sex manuals and had even read a Penthouse Forum *gasp*) but of course I had no practical experience.

Anyway, I started wondering what women wish they’d known before their first time.  Or, as in my case, simply before they got married.  So I asked.  Two of the women completely, and I mean COMPLETELY, shut down.  Their body language was so strong I could almost hear it.  The room went dead silent.  The women looked away from me and then LEFT THE ROOM.  Wow.  That was my first experience with people being completely unwilling or unable to talk about sex.  The conversation went absolutely nowhere, and I didn’t find out what they wished!

Here’s what I wish I’d known before the first time and before marriage:  I wish I’d known it was messy and that messy is normal.  I wish I’d known I could stretch my hymen over time so that there wouldn’t be so much pain and blood ( I realize that isn’t how it is for all women, but for me it was).  I wish I’d known about lube.  I wish I’d known about UTIs.  I wish I’d known that sex is slightly animalistic–it isn’t all softness and sacred, spiritual beauty.  Sometimes it is, but it’s frequently hard, intense, crazy and sweaty.  It’s kind of hard to have a soft, sacred, reverent orgasm!

So I’d really like to know, ladies, what do you wish you’d known before your first time.  I have a daughter, and I want her prepared.

Wake Up Call

 

I am super busy with all kinds of summer activity.  While I have lots of words bouncing around in my head, I don’t have time to write any of them down!  So…

Here are two articles I found interesting.

Wake Up Call for Wives

Wake Up Call for Husbands

 

p.s.  Just to be clear, the comment by “LDS Woman” on the second page of “Wake Up Call for Wives” was not me.  She gives good advice, though!

 

 

 

 

 

Lights On, Lights Off!

Bedtime.  Lights out, doors closed, blinds and curtains tight shut against the light.  Now get under the covers.  Okay, let’s have some sex.

Is this you?  Why?  Why must you have sex in the pitch black?  Why do you not want to be seen?  If your husband turns on a light do you immediately freeze up and turn it back off?  Do you think, “Turn out the light!  I’m naked and I don’t want to see myself, let alone let my husband see me!”?

It’s hard to put yourself out there and be naked in front of someone, even your husband.  I wonder what we are afraid of?  I can’t speak for anyone else, but I used to be afraid that he’d take one look at me and change his mind about making love.  This was when I was young and nubile and extra hot.  Only I didn’t see myself as nubile and extra hot.  I only saw the flaws.  And in my mind, those flaws were magnified 100 fold.  And I would think, why would anyone want to see that?   It’s said that men are visual creatures.  Well, woman can be visual creatures, too.  Except that it can work against us.  We see it, and we DON”T like it.  And the negative visual sends our romantic feelings into a tailspin and everything shuts down.

I used to not believe Conan when he told me I was beautiful, sexy, had a great body, or any number of compliments.  Granted, I had a horrible self image and had quite a bit of emotional and mental healing to do, but I do think that many women do not see their beauty and do not believe people when their looks are complimented.  I could write a post 3000 words long on women and body image, cultural expectations, media influence, airbrushing, photoshopping, cosmetic alterations, and on and on and on.  And I will write that post, just not today.

So we turn out the lights.  We cover up.  Our flaws are safely hidden away, and we can be comfortable and not be distracted by what we perceive as glaring imperfections.

Then there are our husbands.  They want the lights ON!  They want to SEE us and what’s happening.  They’d really rather not have sex by Braille.   They want to see your face.  They want to see your body.  They want to see it all.  Why? you ask.  Okay, I don’t know.  They just do.  I’m sure there’s a study out there somewhere about it.

I was listening to Dr. Laura one day and she said that men don’t need their wife to have a perfect naked body, they just want their wife’s naked body pressed against them.  She then got tons of emails from guys confirming just that.  Whoever is supposed to be the latest hottie, our husbands don’t care if we look like them or not.  They just want to see their WIFE!

Now, here is something to think about.  Because we know that men are visual, we know they likely do have images in their heads.  Whose image do you want in his head?  Yours or some stranger’s?  Oh, yours?  Well, how is he supposed to have your image in his head if he never SEES you naked???  I read a post about some poor guy who hadn’t seen his wife naked in two years.  TWO YEARS.  He wanted to, but she was very uptight about it.

Fill your husband’s head with images of you.   Getting dressed.  Getting undressed.  Getting in the shower.  Getting out of the shower.  Walking across the room to lock the door.    Lying on the bed.  Before sex, during sex and after sex.  Get the idea?

I know how hard it can be, I was just like that, remember?  So what changed for me?  Well, all those compliments began to sink in eventually, I think.  I got tired of hearing my own negative self talk and I started wanting some compliments, dang it!  I decided that I was going to drink in Conan’s compliments, revel in them, believe them, and be buoyed up by them.  It was hard at first to be that uninhibited, yes, it was.  I swear you’d think Conan was the next door neighbor and not the man I promised to love forever and share my life and my body with.  But it got easier and easier, especially since the positive reinforcement was right there, every time.   Oh, and we have a dimmer switch.  Dimmer switches are my best friend.  He gets light and I get dim light, not glaring bright lights, making me feel as if I’m getting a gyno exam.  Don’t have a dimmer switch?  Try candles.  You or your hubby have a fear of fire like Conan does?  Get those electric candles or maybe a nightlight.  Then you can ease into full-on, middle of the day, bright light lovin’.

I am onto Conan’s tricks after 24 years.  Here’s one I figured out not too long ago that he does whenever we forget to lock the door.  He always says, hey, babe, get up and go lock the door.  I say, no, I don’t want to.  You get up.  Nope, he says, you do it.  Deep sigh, okay, fine.  So he gets to watch me walk across the room naked to lock the door.  His favorite view, I believe.  🙂  Even though I’ve figured this trick out, I still play this little game with him.  It’s fun.  🙂

So be naked and unashamed with your husband.  You can do it!  It ‘s good for him and it’s good for you.  Really.

1 Cor. 7:4-5

Prophets have taught that physical intimacy is a strong force in strengthening the love bond in marriage, enhancing and reinforcing marital unity. Indeed, it is the rightful gift of God to the married. As the Apostle Paul says,

“The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and like wise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife.’ Paul continues, ‘Depart ye not one from the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.” (JST, 1 Cor. 7:4–5,). Abstinence in marriage, Paul says, can cause unnecessary temptations and tensions, which are certainly harmful side effects.

From:  I Have a Question, Liahona, June 1980

Full article here:  http://lds.org/liahona/1980/06/i-have-a-question/i-have-a-question?lang=eng&query=marital+intimacy

(1 Cor. 7:4-5, KJV:  4. The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife.   5. Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.)

A few more side effects might be increased distance between the two of you, feelings of being unloved and unwanted by the spouse who wants and needs more frequency, diminished love and affection, feelings of resentment and anger, all of which I believe are just as harmful as the side effect of temptation and tensions.

In the quote above, the benefits of a satisfying sexual relationship in marriage can’t be stated strongly enough.  And let’s not forget it is a rightful GIFT from God, our Heavenly Father.  

Have a great Fast Sunday!  And here’s a great idea:  break your fast with a little lovin’ tonight!