My post on turning on the lights generated more comments on a wife not believing her husband when he compliments her than it did on turning on the lights. This was surprising to me. I thought it was just me. I thought I was the only one that refused to believe my husband when he complimented me.
Guys do not say things, generally, the way women sometimes do. If they say something, they usually mean it. They don’t inject hidden meaning into what they say. Conan used to always tell me not to put words into his mouth. I would say, but that’s what I HEARD you say. He’d say, well, I didn’t say that. And sometimes I could see that he just said what he meant and meant what he said. But not always. I was always looking for, and hearing, a hidden meaning or something inferred in the things he said. I have learned, over time, that I need to curb the part of myself that wants to impregnate everything he says with some hidden meaning, and take his words at face value. Even then, sometimes the face value means something different to me than it does to him. I don’t understand it, that’s just how it is.
Conan used to tell me how pretty I was, how sexy, how much he liked my appearance. I would reject and scorn his compliments. But I would accept them from others. Conan began saying, “You’ll only believe another man, any other man but me, that you’re attractive. ” I would deny it, but in retrospect, it was true. I would believe it of another man, but not of Conan. I’m not sure I understand why, myself. I certainly can’t explain it. I’d need months in psychotherapy to figure myself out, ha ha! So Conan started backing off on the compliments. They became few and far between, and even if I asked him specifically how I looked he would say, “It doesn’t matter what I say, anyway, so I’m not saying.” This led me to think that my suspicions had been right all along. I then reinforced in my own mind what I suspected. He really didn’t like my looks, he was just saying things. (I promise I’m not a crazy person. I really am not!)
As I got older, though, I started to see myself as a beautiful woman. I started to hate it when I would put myself down. I hated those negative feelings. I started to want to feel good about myself. I figured out that this would never come from what some stranger thought of me, that it had to come from within myself. I eventually came to the realization that I wanted Conan to think I was the prettiest, the sexiest, the most beautiful woman to him. I realized that he did think so, and had tried to tell me so for years. So when the rare compliment would come, I began simply saying “Thank you.” That’s it. No denials, no shrugging it off, nothing like that. Just thank you. And I began repeating his words in my head. You’re so pretty. You’re a great wife. And so on. (Awww, Conan is so nice!) One of his “pet” names for me is “Sex Goddess”. The problem was I didn’t want to be sexual, so any reference to me being sexual was off-putting. Of course that has all changed, and I’m glad he never stopped calling me that, because I absolutely love being his Sex Goddess. I believe all the compliments Conan pays me now, and I cherish each one.
Our husbands are not lying to us when they compliment us. They are not using vain flattery to satisfy their earthly lusts. That sounds horrible, doesn’t it? Well, when we think our husbands are just saying things to “get some” we are calling them liars. Put that way it sounds quite ugly. Do we really want to be projecting that on our husbands?
I believe most guys are good guys. They mean what they say. They are sincere. I say “Believe your man!” And let his love and admiration for you help you to release your inhibitions in your marriage bed. It is a freeing and sensual feeling to forget all about your flaws, real or imagined, and just be the sex goddess you were meant to be. Your sex life will definitely benefit from it!