Lights On, Lights Off!

Bedtime.  Lights out, doors closed, blinds and curtains tight shut against the light.  Now get under the covers.  Okay, let’s have some sex.

Is this you?  Why?  Why must you have sex in the pitch black?  Why do you not want to be seen?  If your husband turns on a light do you immediately freeze up and turn it back off?  Do you think, “Turn out the light!  I’m naked and I don’t want to see myself, let alone let my husband see me!”?

It’s hard to put yourself out there and be naked in front of someone, even your husband.  I wonder what we are afraid of?  I can’t speak for anyone else, but I used to be afraid that he’d take one look at me and change his mind about making love.  This was when I was young and nubile and extra hot.  Only I didn’t see myself as nubile and extra hot.  I only saw the flaws.  And in my mind, those flaws were magnified 100 fold.  And I would think, why would anyone want to see that?   It’s said that men are visual creatures.  Well, woman can be visual creatures, too.  Except that it can work against us.  We see it, and we DON”T like it.  And the negative visual sends our romantic feelings into a tailspin and everything shuts down.

I used to not believe Conan when he told me I was beautiful, sexy, had a great body, or any number of compliments.  Granted, I had a horrible self image and had quite a bit of emotional and mental healing to do, but I do think that many women do not see their beauty and do not believe people when their looks are complimented.  I could write a post 3000 words long on women and body image, cultural expectations, media influence, airbrushing, photoshopping, cosmetic alterations, and on and on and on.  And I will write that post, just not today.

So we turn out the lights.  We cover up.  Our flaws are safely hidden away, and we can be comfortable and not be distracted by what we perceive as glaring imperfections.

Then there are our husbands.  They want the lights ON!  They want to SEE us and what’s happening.  They’d really rather not have sex by Braille.   They want to see your face.  They want to see your body.  They want to see it all.  Why? you ask.  Okay, I don’t know.  They just do.  I’m sure there’s a study out there somewhere about it.

I was listening to Dr. Laura one day and she said that men don’t need their wife to have a perfect naked body, they just want their wife’s naked body pressed against them.  She then got tons of emails from guys confirming just that.  Whoever is supposed to be the latest hottie, our husbands don’t care if we look like them or not.  They just want to see their WIFE!

Now, here is something to think about.  Because we know that men are visual, we know they likely do have images in their heads.  Whose image do you want in his head?  Yours or some stranger’s?  Oh, yours?  Well, how is he supposed to have your image in his head if he never SEES you naked???  I read a post about some poor guy who hadn’t seen his wife naked in two years.  TWO YEARS.  He wanted to, but she was very uptight about it.

Fill your husband’s head with images of you.   Getting dressed.  Getting undressed.  Getting in the shower.  Getting out of the shower.  Walking across the room to lock the door.    Lying on the bed.  Before sex, during sex and after sex.  Get the idea?

I know how hard it can be, I was just like that, remember?  So what changed for me?  Well, all those compliments began to sink in eventually, I think.  I got tired of hearing my own negative self talk and I started wanting some compliments, dang it!  I decided that I was going to drink in Conan’s compliments, revel in them, believe them, and be buoyed up by them.  It was hard at first to be that uninhibited, yes, it was.  I swear you’d think Conan was the next door neighbor and not the man I promised to love forever and share my life and my body with.  But it got easier and easier, especially since the positive reinforcement was right there, every time.   Oh, and we have a dimmer switch.  Dimmer switches are my best friend.  He gets light and I get dim light, not glaring bright lights, making me feel as if I’m getting a gyno exam.  Don’t have a dimmer switch?  Try candles.  You or your hubby have a fear of fire like Conan does?  Get those electric candles or maybe a nightlight.  Then you can ease into full-on, middle of the day, bright light lovin’.

I am onto Conan’s tricks after 24 years.  Here’s one I figured out not too long ago that he does whenever we forget to lock the door.  He always says, hey, babe, get up and go lock the door.  I say, no, I don’t want to.  You get up.  Nope, he says, you do it.  Deep sigh, okay, fine.  So he gets to watch me walk across the room naked to lock the door.  His favorite view, I believe.  🙂  Even though I’ve figured this trick out, I still play this little game with him.  It’s fun.  🙂

So be naked and unashamed with your husband.  You can do it!  It ‘s good for him and it’s good for you.  Really.

13 thoughts on “Lights On, Lights Off!

  1. It bothers me when my wife doesn’t believe my compliments, but instead takes her view of herself from entertainment’s standards, which she knows intellectually are bogus.

    So I have a few theories, but I’d be curious to know from you and others – if you don’t believe that your husband really was (or should be) turned on by your appearance, why do you think he says he is?

    • Yes, it used to hurt Conan, too, that I rejected his compliments and brushed them off.

      So why didn’t I believe him? There’s a long answer to that, and I don’t have time to write it today. But one of the reasons was, “you have to say that or I wouldn’t have sex with you.”

      Quite hurtful on my part, wasn’t it? Essentially calling him a lying b**stard.

  2. “Fill your husband’s head with images of you.”

    Love this. Excellent phrase to remember.

    Many other women are very willing to expose themselves to your husband–and who do so quite regularly. Wouldn’t you rather it be you that he has fresh on his mind?

    Women just have to trust men on this–just as men have to trust women that childbirth is painful. Men like to see women naked. Big time. If that’s not obvious from popular culture, you’re living in a hole by yourself. Just trust us.

    Why? God wants us to be together and to create children. The ideal way for people who have never met to find each other and get together is to create some strong visual attraction–so you’ll see someone from a distance and want to get to know them. God knew this when He created us. Why men more than women? I don’t know. It just is.

    With Rob–I feel like my wife doesn’t trust me, doesn’t believe me, or doesn’t feel my opinions matter when she dismisses my compliments. I tell her that I’m the only one who matters–it doesn’t matter what she thinks because I’m the one who gets to look.

    I have also learned to be slightly less prolific with my compliments about her looks, and a bit more action-oriented. I take a deep breath sometimes, sneak a peak here and there, help her off with her clothing when I think she needs help, even giving real opinions about which clothing I like because of exactly which features it highlights.

    • My wife also does not take complements. I have learned that I can’t complement HER, but she will accept complements about her clothing without her thinking, “he is just saying that for sex.”

      I like the Dr. Laura quote. That is good.

  3. Somehow women refuse to believe their husbands about this. It is so sad that women are far more severe critics of themselves than their husbands would ever be. And because of that, they withhold the gift of intimacy with their husbands. At times it seems like delusional.

  4. I’m kind of surprised that all you guys’ wives don’t believe you, either! I thought it was just me. I’m also surprised that that’s what you are commenting about, rather than saying, “Yes, turn on those lights!” That’s rather telling and shows that husbands have good hearts and good intentions.

    • My wife finally came to a place of peace with her body, and is now willing to be seen in daylight or candlelight. The sight of her this morning with the golden glow of dawn was just glorious. If only women knew what a gift this is to their husbands!

  5. I didn’t used to believe my husbands compliments either, but after a while they started to sink in. I’m still a little unsure about certain parts of my body. But I make a point of letting him see me completely naked; besides, it makes me feel sexy as well! 🙂

  6. I must say I’m shocked at all this talk of nudity and exposing yourselves to your spouses! Don’t you know you’re supposed to keep your garments on during sex?

    • I know you’re saying this tongue-in-cheek to get a laugh! Ha ha!
      If not, please comment on what else shocks you here, we’d love to hear it. 😉

  7. I’d been doing a lot of study on Proverbs 31 a while back. I wanted to be that virtuous woman. I wanted to feel like I was acceptable to God. The answers that I got totally shocked me! The ones that apply here are about verses 17 & 18…
    Verse 17 “She girdeth her loins with strength, and strengtheneth her arms.”
    Make sure you are exercising and taking care of your body. A lot is asked of your body, plus you will feel better about it when you are in shape.
    Verse 18 “She perceiveth that her merchandise is good: her candle goeth not out by night.” Your husband is visually stimulated. He needs to see you naked. Your “merchandise” is divine, literally.; made after the image of God. The woman whose price is far above rubies lets her man see her when they are making love – with the lights on. at least a candle. 🙂

    • Thank you Prov Woman (gotta shorten it haha!)
      What an interesting concept. And a good one! I appreciate your comment and would love to hear more of what you have to say!

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