What Do You Wish You’d Known?

I was helping some sisters in my ward prepare the food for a wedding reception.  The weddings of two young virgins always makes me think about the “first time”.  My first time I wasn’t ignorant of sex, (I’d been reading romance novels and had read a few sex manuals and had even read a Penthouse Forum *gasp*) but of course I had no practical experience.

Anyway, I started wondering what women wish they’d known before their first time.  Or, as in my case, simply before they got married.  So I asked.  Two of the women completely, and I mean COMPLETELY, shut down.  Their body language was so strong I could almost hear it.  The room went dead silent.  The women looked away from me and then LEFT THE ROOM.  Wow.  That was my first experience with people being completely unwilling or unable to talk about sex.  The conversation went absolutely nowhere, and I didn’t find out what they wished!

Here’s what I wish I’d known before the first time and before marriage:  I wish I’d known it was messy and that messy is normal.  I wish I’d known I could stretch my hymen over time so that there wouldn’t be so much pain and blood ( I realize that isn’t how it is for all women, but for me it was).  I wish I’d known about lube.  I wish I’d known about UTIs.  I wish I’d known that sex is slightly animalistic–it isn’t all softness and sacred, spiritual beauty.  Sometimes it is, but it’s frequently hard, intense, crazy and sweaty.  It’s kind of hard to have a soft, sacred, reverent orgasm!

So I’d really like to know, ladies, what do you wish you’d known before your first time.  I have a daughter, and I want her prepared.

19 thoughts on “What Do You Wish You’d Known?

  1. I had several thoughts on this subject:

    1. This past Sunday the priesthood/RS class was on the subject of the Law of Chastity. The gist of the subject was that this is a hard subject to teach. Why is it whenever there is anything to do with marriage/sex/relationships its always hard/painful and we have to deal with it delicately. The law is explained in the Temple ceremony and we all know that, its no secret. The hook came with how to teach the children. And the requisite rant about the schools which are filled with hedonistic people (my opinion of what they were saying). The thing not even mentioned? How do husbands and wives talk about it. Then there would be crickets.
    2. They used to do this subject better. There’ s a website which has old lds priesthood and sunday school lesson’s and one from the 1920’s was on the law of chastity. It was lecturing the people about not being prudish about talking about sex. Interestingly they said that if we don’t talk about it then the adversary gets to be the only one with the message. They said that almost 100 years ago! Almost during the Victorian era! The other place I heard that about Satan controlling the message about sex in marriage is from Laura Brotherson! The concept has not changed much in the 100 years.
    3. I have never had the courage to say any of this stuff in a public setting. In fact when my wife heard of the subject for Priesthood/RS she said, don’t say anything! I did say things but kept it historical, most people are ignorant to historical things so that’s safe for me. Also we can only imagine how painful it was to bring that up. Ignorance is not bliss. We guys think that women handle this so much better than we do, but it appears not.

    That should just about do it for today!
    You Rock!

    • Thanks for the compliment!
      I picked up on this in your comment that piqued my interest.

      “not being prudish about talking about sex. Interestingly they said that if we don’t talk about it then the adversary gets to be the only one with the message.”

      When did that change? When did it become: “you must never speak of it”?

      What was that website? I’m curious to see those lessons.

  2. Hello,

    http://www.keepapitchinin.org/
    The title is a bit odd but the content to a history geek is wonderful.
    Though I also have to say the title to this blog is not ambiguous in the least! Its so refreshingly clear that I applaud you. Even the Mormon Missionary Position leaves the tiny fig leaf to hid behind of “oh I thought it was about missionary work.”

    When did we stop talking clearly about sex? The oldest book I ever read was (besides the scriptures…) was the decameron which was written during the plague years. By a guy. And it treated sex as a source of comedy. That’s 1350. But I think it goes back to when Satan pointed out that Adam and Eve were naked and made them ashamed of the most wonderful thing God had given them, their bodies. We are passing that little baton along to each other. Not the nudity part, but the being embarrassed to discuss intelligently intimacy. Laura Brotherson did BYU education week once and its was painful to see us old people being embarrassed to ask specific questions. We don’t want to be the creepy old people, but we need to be leaders in our families.

    What did I wish I’d known? Oddly enough, it would have been read as much as possible about the act, pray and learn as much as you can because this is the tool to make your marriage a source of joy. But back 40 years ago there seriously was not great clear advise written anywhere, in fact I think Penthouse was not even around then, if it was they would have been too embarrassed to actually have letters.

    • About my blog title: The only reason it is what it is is because I have absolutely zero creativity or imagination and that’s the only thing I could think of, ha ha!
      Remember Helen Gurley Brown’s “Sex and the Single Girl”? Well, my title is stolen from that. I did wish I had thought of something a little more creative, but I didn’t get that particular gene, so I must be happy with what I’ve got!
      I’m glad it’s refreshing!!!

  3. What I wish I knew.
    I definitely wish that I’d know what a big deal it would be to me, emotionally, physically, mentally. Unlike a lot of people I don’t even remember my first time, not because I was drunk or otherwise intoxicated, but it wasn’t specially in any way. It was awkward and uncomfortable and I was bullied into it. I was naive and regret it happening at that time, which is sad. I wish I had know, really known, that it would be okay to wait for the perfect moment.

    • Yep, I kind of had the same experience. I was very young and very insecure. I was angry at my parents so I was turning away from all my religious teachings, and I have lived to regret it.
      In the church we try so hard to teach our youth the importance of waiting, but sometimes it falls on deaf ears, like in my case.
      We can’t beat ourselves up about it forever though, it is what it is. And we have the Grace of Jesus Christ and his atonement to heal our souls. ❤

  4. I wish I wouldve known you could stretch your vagina so it didnt hurt so much. I wish I wouldve known to EXPECT to be pleased, rather than just giving it and hating it for 25 years or more.

    • Yep, I hear you about the dilation! Like I said, it was pretty difficult to break through mine. Brings to mind a fortress and a battering ram, ha ha!!
      And yes, we should be teaching our children that sex should feel good. And if it doesn’t, then something is wrong and they need to work to fix it. I’m sorry you hated it for 25 years. Has that changed at all? Or are you still hating it?

      Also, are you a Scot? I love all things Scottish!

  5. I dont hate it anymore. Things changed in my marriage, I learned a lot about sex from websites and books , and then learned what pleases me. Its better late than never, but I regret the years we lost.
    I am about 1/4 Scots/Irish and Love all things Scottish too! Do you read Diana Gabaldon?

    • Ohhhhh, yes!!!!! I love the Outlander series. Best books ever!!! Ladies, if you can handle a rated R series, get yourself to a Barnes and Noble and get Outlander by Diana Gabaldon right now, today!

  6. I just attended another Mormon bridal shower. It amazes me how taboo the topic of sex is in our Mormon culture. And the shower gifts were all homemaking related (including mine, sad to say – I caved lol). I have never seen so many aprons in my entire life. They were cute – but still…
    When the girl opened her gifts, the person giving the gift was suppose to give her some marriage advice. Of course, the standard was given, don’t sweat the small stuff. Understand that your man would not intentionally hurt you so when he says something that does, stop and remember he didn’t say it to hurt you. Blah blah..

    So when my turn came – shortly after she opened her 7th apron (I kid you not), I said “My advice to you is to throw the kitchen stuff out and wear the aprons naked and you will do just fine.” Some laughs, some embarrassed giggles, and some rolled eyes. The thing is – I wasn’t joking at all!!!

    One of the ladies I was sitting by, turned to me and said she had a very irreverent (why she used this term???) shower before she got married, and one of the gifts was from the Bishop’s wife. The card told her it was something for her to wear on her honeymoon night. She took the bag and it was filled with tissue paper – and nothing else. She said the shower was great, there were a lot of presents like that. As she laughed, she once again said, but they were an irreverent group of people.

    Good grief.

    • Yeah, what’s up with the “irreverent” stuff? I’m not sure people use that word correctly all the time. I imagine she meant raucous or risque or something. Also, maybe she thought you would disapprove, and so qualified the people she was with in some way?

      You gave good advice! And good for you for giving it!

      • Please forgive the reply to an older post, but I couldn’t help but comment about the aprons. 8 | CM’s advice about them was dead on in my opinion. My wife only owns a couple of them, but I always found her so sexy when she wore them (fully clothed) around the kitchen. Something about how they cover the front, but nothing in the back. One day I couldn’t resist asking her to put one on in the bedroom, and nothing else. It was a cute Christmas themed one with red fringe. She completed the look by wearing it with red high heels. Talk about fireworks! It drove me crazy, and is still one of our “go to” outfits, especially around the holidays. So call me silly, but the aprons are a keeper.

        In fact, I’ll add briefly (and perhaps elaborate another time) that I find my wife in regular clothes (with nothing on underneath) much sexier in the bedroom than lingerie. For example, her little running top, shorts, and running shoes; or the blouse, skirt, and heels, she wore to church that day. The list goes on. This probably saves us a small fortune on lingerie, and keeps things really fun. I’m not opposed to lingerie, but for me, her daily clothes are so much more exciting. Strange? I don’t know. But it works for us.

        • Thanks for commenting, Hughe! I love comments and don’t care if they’re on an older post or not!

          I love the apron idea, too. Fun, cute, and sexy! I would not call you silly for liking that.

          My husband is not really a lingerie fan, either, so you’re not alone. In fact, jeans, a cute shirt, hair in a ponytail and a baseball cap has always turned Conan on the most.

  7. Funny. I ask myself this question ALL the time.

    My wife and I were both 1st timers on our wedding night. Maybe this sounds a little weird, but my anticipation was focused on getting her naked and finally taking in the view. I think that was a mental block in my “planning” and I thought everything would be pretty obvious after the clothes came off. It’s hard to believe how little I knew about what to expect. Being in the medical field, I thought I knew the anatomy pretty well … but, to be honest, I was very naive about how it all came together.

    Well, the “view” was truly amazing and I honestly can’t remember too much after that … I think I was pretty much on sensory overload. We made a valiant attempt at intercourse, didn’t quite get all the way in the first time, but both enjoyed a pretty spectacular orgasm.

    Then came the stunning part for me … I had NO IDEA that the my body would come to such an abrupt stop! I literally thought you could just keep going at it until you decided to stop.

    Anyway, it took a few more practice sessions, but we thoroughly enjoyed the training. There were a lot of fun “a-ha” moments along the way, but I sincerely wish I could have had some more blunt, open, honest descriptions before the first time.

    Thanks again for the blog. Keep up the good work Zookie!!

    • That’s great, Ben!
      Thanks for sharing. I am impressed that you both managed to have orgasms the first time.

      “I had NO IDEA that the my body would come to such an abrupt stop! I literally thought you could just keep going at it until you decided to stop.”
      I would never have thought to tell my kids that! But you’re right, how would you know if no one told you??

      And thanks for the compliment, it is much appreciated!

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