Believe Your Man

My post on turning on the lights  generated more comments on a wife not believing her husband when he compliments her than it did on turning on the lights.  This was surprising to me.  I thought it was just me.  I thought I was the only one that refused to believe my husband when he complimented me.

Guys do not say things, generally, the way women sometimes do.  If they say something, they usually mean it.  They don’t inject hidden meaning into what they say.  Conan used to always tell me not to put words into his mouth.  I would say, but that’s what I HEARD you say.  He’d say, well, I didn’t say that.  And sometimes I could see that he just said what he meant and meant what he said.  But not always.  I was always looking for, and hearing, a hidden meaning or something inferred in the things he said.  I have learned, over time, that I need to curb the part of myself that wants to impregnate everything he says with some hidden meaning, and take his words at face value.  Even then, sometimes the face value means something different to me than it does to him.   I don’t understand it, that’s just how it is.

Conan used to tell me how pretty I was, how sexy, how much he liked my appearance.  I would reject and scorn his compliments.  But I would accept them from others.  Conan began saying, “You’ll only believe another man, any other man but me, that you’re attractive. ”  I would deny it, but in retrospect, it was true.  I would believe it of another man, but not of Conan.  I’m not sure I understand why, myself.  I certainly can’t explain it.  I’d need months in psychotherapy to figure myself out, ha ha!  So Conan started backing off on the compliments.  They became few and far between, and even if I asked him specifically how I looked he would say, “It doesn’t matter what I say, anyway, so I’m not saying.”   This led me to think that my suspicions had been right all along.  I then reinforced in my own mind what I suspected.  He really didn’t like my looks, he was just saying things.  (I promise I’m not a crazy person.  I really am not!)

As I got older, though, I started to see myself as a beautiful woman.  I started to hate it when I would put myself down.  I hated those negative feelings.  I started to want to feel good about myself.  I figured out that this would never come from what some stranger thought of me, that it had to come from within myself.  I eventually came to the realization that I wanted Conan to think I was the prettiest, the sexiest, the most beautiful woman to him.  I realized that he did think so, and had tried to tell me so for years.  So when the rare compliment would come, I began simply saying “Thank you.”  That’s it.  No denials, no shrugging it off, nothing like that.  Just thank you.  And I began repeating his words in my head.  You’re so pretty.  You’re a great wife.  And so on.  (Awww, Conan is so nice!)  One of his “pet” names for me is “Sex Goddess”.   The problem was I didn’t want to be sexual, so any reference to me being sexual was off-putting.  Of course that has all changed, and I’m glad he never stopped calling me that, because I absolutely love being his Sex Goddess.  I believe all the compliments Conan pays me now, and I cherish each one.

Our husbands are not lying to us when they compliment us.  They are not using vain flattery to satisfy their earthly lusts.  That sounds horrible, doesn’t it?  Well, when we think our husbands are just saying things to “get some” we are calling them liars. Put that way it sounds quite ugly.   Do we really want to be projecting that on our husbands?

I believe most guys are good guys.  They mean what they say.  They are sincere.  I say “Believe your man!”  And let his love and admiration for you help you to release your inhibitions in your marriage bed.  It is a freeing and sensual feeling to forget all about your flaws, real or imagined, and just be the sex goddess you were meant to be.  Your sex life will definitely benefit from it!

22 thoughts on “Believe Your Man

  1. Thank you for this post. I am guilty of doing this too. I thought I didn’t do it that much until I had Mr. Savage read this… and he confirmed that I repel his loving, honest comments. I’ll work on it.

  2. Great blog! Guilty here too but trying to believe him more. It feels good to believe him, and when I feel less attractive, I just think “hubby likes my body/face, and thats all that matters.”

  3. I know you’ve mentioned it before, but many women do not believe compliments from their husbands because they see it as a ploy to get sex. My SIL is that way. She believes that her husband is only nice and loving to her when he wants sex. Yet, she only expresses that concern to my wife. Women, talk to your spouse. You should be best friends, able to say anything to each other. Trust him!

    Thanks Zookie, for this blog. My wife and I really enjoy your writing.

    • Thank you for the nice compliment! I appreciate it very much!
      And you made a good point, too. We should be able to talk about everything with our spouse. That is easier said than done, and has developed slowly, in my case. For instance, some of the things I write here are so personal that I have a hard time even READING them to Conan. Isn’t that just ironic? I can put it out there for, in essence, the entire world, but I have a hard time saying some of these things to the man these posts are about! I say, I want you to know what I wrote, but I”m too embarrassed to read it to you! You read it and tell me what you think, He makes me read my posts out loud to him, though, he says he likes how I read them. Sheesh! I didn’t know this blog would require stretching and personal growth!

  4. Well put and right on. The title says it all. And big daddy- what’s wrong with saying nice things or doing nice thigs to get sex? If he wants to have sex with you, isn’t that the ultimate proof that he finds you attractive? Men will do and put up with all kinds of things to get sex, and I think that’s actually part of God’s plan. I’d definitely is part of human nature.

    • Yes, it should be fine for someone to do something nice or say something nice to get sex from their spouse. Your point is well taken! And a different way of thinking than most of us women have. I laughed when you said “Men will do and put up with all kinds of things to get sex”, but you’re right! And Conan has told me many times that men are hardwired that way.

      But in a marriage where one spouse is a refuser, those kinds of things backfire. The refuser backs off even more.
      To get into this a little deeper, this woman believed that her husband was ONLY nice to her when he wanted sex. It sounds like that is untrue, BUT if a man really, truly was only nice to his wife when he was horny, or vise versa, that would be a very bad thing, in my opinion.

  5. Oh, don’t misunderstand my position. I’m saying that the PERCEPTION is sometimes that the husband is only nice when he wants sex. I’m not even saying that I agree, just that is a reason given by women to not believe the compliment.

  6. Performing cunnilingus can be one of the most wonderful things you can do for a woman. It makes her feel loved, admired, sexy, and has the potential to give her an exceptional orgasm. Many women prefer it to intercourse, and for those who require a large amount of clitoral stimulation, it is the easiest way to orgasm. Besides, lots of women expect it these days and men who perform great cunnilingus are always appreciated and considered fabulous lovers.

    • Thanks for the endorsement, Soulmate, of oral sex. I see that you posted the same comment on another blog, and that is okay, too, but I’d love to hear something pertinent to the discussion from you, and then I’d take a closer look at your blog!

  7. I saw this list from http://www.hookingupsmart.com/ and as I like an incendiary list as much as the next man/woman and as I saw this topic as about different perceptions of each other… Here a list of perceptions men and women have of each other, with my opinion thrown in:

    Here is a list of things that each sex tends to think the other likes, erroneously:

    Men believe that women like…
    Physically attractive men (pretty boys)
    Nice guys
    Men that have no hair on their bodies
    Sensitivity
    Peaceful men

    Women believe that men like…
    Women that are elusive or “hard to get” <- I though this kind of woman was never worth the fight.
    Tall women (heels) <- Not sigfiicant
    Confident women <- Love it!
    Women who can drink liquor straight <- No opinion
    Women with status <- No opinion

    Speaking for myself (from the website), the second list is very definitely what I used to believe men want, especially the “hard to get” part.
    So what does Andrew think is really true?

    “Women actually like…
    Men that are “hard to get” <- No opinion
    Tall men <- Believe it
    Confident men <- Believe it
    Men who drink liquor straight <- this had to be a joke, but I've almost never enjoyed drinking so this may or may not be true.
    Men with status <- Believe it

    Men actually like…
    Physically attractive women <- Also the woman has only have to be attractive to one man!
    Sweet girls <- Yea Baby
    Women that have no hair on their bodies <- The next topic for Zookie?
    Sensitive girls <- Nope
    Peaceful girls” <- Nope

    Also for the record, Dr. Laura had it right when she says husbands don't care what the wife looks like as long as its next to him in bed.

    • Very interesting, Dinosaur. I, personally, do not like and have never liked standoffish men who are hard to get. They tend to set me on edge. The thing that attracted me to my husband right off the bat was his warmth, his friendliness, his gregariousness. He was the nicest guy I think I’d ever met. Even though we are very opposite in many ways, our personalities are similar and were attracted like magnets. (I didn’t know about his Arnold Schwarzenegger physique until about a month later, ha ha. That pretty much knocked me speechless.)

      But women do tend to like the guy who acts like he could care less, don’t they? Is that that Alpha male thing I’ve been reading about? That “Game your wife” thing? (I think that’s a question Strong Man could answer.)

      Do I like tall men? Yep, ’cause I’m tall. 5′ 10″. But I had a boyfriend who was only 5′ 10″, and I thought he was to die for good looking.
      Do I like confident men? Absolutely. I like confident people.
      Drink their liquor straight? Well, I have to say I might be put off by a man that orders an appletini ha ha!
      Do I like men with status? Well, that one I don’t know. I’ve never actually met a man with “status”, unless you count cocky, arrogant, strutting idiots who make a lot of money and think they are God’s gift because of it. If that’s status, you can keep it. Conan does not have status, he is simply a good guy. And I’ve always loved him, just about from day one.

      There’s lots more fodder here, so thanks for all the ideas!

  8. Amen on the subject of the blog. I sure wish women (or just my wonderful woman) would accept complements. I am just like Conan was. I have backed way off as it seems to bother her – then I read books that say this is one of the main things I should be doing – making her feel cherished. What’s a man to do?

    I would have to also comment that when the intimacy is way below what I find acceptable – I DO NOT want to hear a bunch of complements from my wife. It feels like she is taunting / teasing me. Like she knows she is in 100% control and she is enjoying the power. Not a rational thought, but I have felt that way at times.

    • That is very interesting, Guy, and something I wouldn’t have thought of. Conan read your comment and nodded in agreement (although I’m not sure which part he was agreeing with, I think it was all of it).

  9. You know Guy, its the love languages thing.
    Find your wife/husband’s love language and do that.
    I know someone (not my wife) who just lives for things and compliments. Give her either and she’s putty in your hands.
    To me and my wife compliments are just noise, gifts are more things around the house, acts of service? Nothing, I shouldn’t need others to do things for me. But physical touch? It melts my ex-marine heart. Love language, we all have one.

    What say you Z?

    Hey, while I got you here… I was reading your comment about status. I have always been a relative nobody so when I see people attracted to status I find it interesting. I love watching Ice Road Truckers and its ilk because these are the kind of people who I relate to, not the Ewings of Dallas (yah, I’m that old…)

    • One of Conan’s “love languages” is physical touch, but he also really likes little acts of service. I can make him so happy simply by bringing him a drink or dishing his plate.
      I’m not sure what mine is, I’ve never taken the time to really think about it. I’ll ask Conan if he knows.

      Hey: Dallas is making a come back. New series is set to start in 2012.

    • Also, if you like Ice Road Truckers you might like Son’s of Guns. Conan is, at this very moment, drooling over all the guns and manly things going on in this show. The gun shop owner, Will, is an ex-Marine, too.

  10. Okay, so I just have to give you an example of why we don’t always believe our man when we get a compliment. The other day Conan wanted me to go somewhere with him. I had recently finished working out on the treadmill, I’m not sure what I smelled like, my hair was in a messy ponytail, I had no makeup on except what little mascara I had on had sweated down under my eyes making me look like a zombie, and I had a ratty t-shirt and yoga pants on. I said, I can’t go anywhere right now, I have to take a shower! What did Conan say? You look great, Doll, let’s go!.
    What the heck???

    • Amen sister! This is exactly what I have been saying to my husband for years! How are we suppose to believe them when they say we look great when we KNOW we don’t.

      • In a way maybe it’s cute. Maybe they just see us through rose colored glasses and to them we are beautiful no matter what we look or smell like! 🙂

        At any rate, I’d never let my BFF leave the house looking the way I did the other day. Women are just different, I guess. 🙂

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