Archive | September 2011

Keeping the Spark NC 17


Don’t be afraid to go after your own pleasure.  I think one of the main things that a man likes about sex with his wife is seeing HER pleasure–possibly a little  more than getting his own pleasure.  Could I be right, guys?  So go after your own pleasure.

If you want to do something incredibly hot and make your husband go wild, the next time you are having an orgasm, OPEN YOUR EYES and look directly into his eyes.  Maintain eye contact as long as you possibly can.  It is amazing, incredible and erotic.  Watching him watching you, seeing his eyes go dark with desire, it’s indescribable.

Masturbate in front of him.  Take your time, and watch him while you do it.  Make sure he can see everything.  You can bring yourself to climax or almost to climax and then let him take over, whatever you feel like at that moment.

Verbalize exactly how much you like what he’s doing.  Don’t be afraid to make some noise.

Tell him what you want him to do to you.   You can whisper a suggestion in his ear, you can “command” him to do it, or you can beg him to please do it.

If you’re a one and done orgasm kind of girl, try for a second one later during your lovemaking.  You might have a refractory period, just like a man does.  Find out how long that is and go for it.  This might even be after his climax.  His climax does not have to signal “The End”.   Maybe your climax is “The End” sometimes.

Be selfish in bed.  It’s okay, your husband is going to get his no matter what.  Make sure you get yours.  Even if you like him to be the one doing the driving, so to speak, you can still do these things and he’ll still be driving, and you’ll still be going after your own pleasure.  It will be a win win.

Happy sparks.

(Whew, is it hot in here????)

The Wet Spot

This is the question of the night:  Who’s sleeping on the wet spot?  

What’s the one thing your mother or anybody else probably did NOT tell you about sex that you should know?  It’s about that pesky semen.  I bet you didn’t know that there was so MUCH of it.  I bet you didn’t know that most of it just runs right back out of you afterwards.  And as it’s running out of you, it gets all over your thighs and nether regions and puts this wet spot on the sheets.  If you were like me, you probably didn’t notice the first time, due to virginity blood.  But after that, Eeeewwwww, there it is.   Nobody told me about THAT!

Guys are used to their semen.  It’s just a part of their life.  But it’s new territory for women.  Some women see the fluids that come out of the body as kind of gross.  There’s mucus, bladder and bowel, sweat, spit, blood, vaginal discharge and vomit.  All that stuff is nasty.  We may have a tendency to view this new stuff coming out of our guy in the same way.  A new husband might be hurt by that.  Guys, ya gotta give a girl the chance to get used to it.  But girls, if you continue with the yuck factor as time goes, you’re gonna put a cramp in your love life.  AND you might hurt your guy’s feelings.  Sex is messy.  That’s all there is to it.  Get used to it.

My sister-in-law (who has had her tubes tied) told me that she makes my brother wear a rubber because it contains the “mess”.   ( I mean a condom.  We always called them rubbers when I was growing up!)  I told her that was cruel and unusual punishment and she’d better not make him wear one every time!  She promised me that she didn’t.  Well, I certainly hope not.  Condoms are gross and horrible.  Then she said that him wearing a condom helps him last longer.   I didn’t go any further into the conversation at that point, but here’s what I think about THAT bit of nonsense.  Unless that’s exactly what he wants, give the poor guy a chance to get used to not wearing one, and he’ll last longer skin to skin, for heavens sake.  Besides, I HATE CONDOMS.  They are cold.  They are goopy.  They feel like a gynecological exam.  Blech and yuck!  If you make your husband wear a condom to contain the “mess”, you might not be making him very happy.  And it certainly can’t feel that good to you, can it?  Figure out a different way to take care of it!

Now back to the question of the night.  I usually scoot over so that the wet spot ends up in the middle of our bed.  Conan tends to scoot me back over towards my side, because heaven forbid it end up on Conan’s side of the bed.  That can be a humorous little interlude in our love making as we scootch around, and neither of us is fooling the other, ha ha!  I’m telling a secret on Conan.  (Conan is such a good sport about this blog, especially when I tell secrets about him.)  Here’s the secret:  Conan does NOT like his own stuff on him.  He is perfectly fine with getting it all over ME, that doesn’t bother him in the slightest (imagine that!).  But once it’s out of him he wants nothing to do with it, and he will go to great lengths to ensure that it doesn’t get back on him and the wet spot is closer to my side of the bed than his.

Honestly, it doesn’t bother me that much anymore.  But it USED to.  I’d be rushing for the towel, making eww, eww noises about it.  I’m pretty sure it didn’t really hurt Conan’s feelings, because of his sexual ADD (must get up immediately after sex to clean up.  See: https://sexandtheldswoman.wordpress.com/2011/05/06/basking-in-the-afterglow/ )  But it might hurt some men’s feelings.  Or if that’s not the right way to word it, it might end a wonderful time on a sour note.  Anyway, I didn’t like all the fuss I made, it made it impossible to just lay there enjoying the afterglow,  and so decided that I was going to get used to it and not be so squeamish about it.

So the wet spot?  I guess I get to sleep on it, because Conan is sure not going to!

P.S.  After writing this post and thinking I was talking about something the other pages I have on my blog links are not talking about at this moment, I found this  http://site.themarriagebed.com/sexuality/sexual-play/the-mess at The Marriage Bed.  I swear that I did not see this until after I wrote my post.  Anyway, great article on the messiness of sex.   Go there if you want some good advice on how to take care of the “mess” of sex.

Different Schedules

Work schedules.  Sleep schedules.  Moon schedules.  Blah.  All this stuff gets in the way of our relationship.

My work and sleep schedule is different from Conan’s work and sleep schedule.  He gets up early, so he goes to bed a bit earlier than I do.  I sometimes work late into the night and would sleep in until 10:00 a.m. if I could.  (That drives Conan CRAZY.)   Of course I have children to get off to school so that doesn’t happen during the school year, but it did happen over the summer at times, now that the kids are older.  Mmmmm, bliss.  That would be fine if Conan and I were roommates,  but it doesn’t work if we want to be lovers.  I have been fine with coming to bed with Conan, and then getting up and going to work later.  Conan recently told me he doesn’t like me to go to work after we have sex because he doesn’t like me up so late at night working.   He would like me to alter my schedule a bit to make our schedules more in sync.   I can do that, I just haven’t wanted to be consistent.  The other day he asked me to please get my work done before bedtime so we could have some time together.  (Of course he didn’t word it quite that delicately.  He did say please, though, he’s always polite! )  I did, and we did, and then we went to sleep and it was lovely.  I like this snuggling up and going to sleep thing.

Another time, recently, we got our signals crossed.   Conan says to me, “Let’s make love tonight.”  (I sing it back to him in my best Marvin Gaye, but he just rolls his eyes at me.  What’s that all about, huh?)  Later on I am hit with a wall of fatigue.  I tell Conan how tired I suddenly am because my period is starting (sorry for the TMI guys).  Blech.  So, while I don’t say “no sex tonight,”  Conan crosses sex off the list for the night.  He comes to bed a little later than normal, thinking he was just going to sleep.  I stop what I am doing and ask for 15 minutes before I come to bed.  Conan says, “I thought that was out.”  Me: “Nope–it’s just the fatigue part of my stupid, stupid cycle.”  Conan agrees to wait 15 minutes, but I don’t think he’s gonna make it.  15 minutes later, zzzzzzzzzzz.   I ask him if he wants to wake up.  He groggily suggests morning sex.  I’m fine with that, I loooovvveee morning sex.  2:00 a.m. comes along, and I wake up.   I should wake him up, I should wake him up, I should wake him up.  No, he said he really needed a good night’s sleep–tomorrow (today?) is going to be a crazy day.  Against my better judgment, I go back to sleep, thinking about how the morning would go.

That morning Conan tells me he dreamed about blow jobs all night long!  Oh!  I should have woke that man up!  Rats tails!  So I ask him if we’re still on for after the kids left for school.  Conan says, “Sorry, babe, I have to leave for work right now.”  Aaarrrgggghhhhhh!!!

Why is it that we have such a hard time meshing our schedules?  If I’m working, he wants it.  If he’s working, I want it.  If he’s sleeping, I want it.  If I’m sleeping–well, if I’m sleeping he’s probably at work, ha ha!   Not all the time, of course, but it seems to happen like this on a pretty regular basis.  We have to make a very conscious effort to keep things going despite our schedules.

We, as couples, need to prioritize our alone time together.  We need to arrange things and do the best we can to make time for each other.  It’s a little easier for me to adjust my schedule to Conan’s, since my job is more flexible than his, so that’s what I do.  Even so, things still seem to naturally move in a direction where we aren’t going to bed together at night, just due to day to day life.  But we can always nudge things back in the right direction once in awhile.

Let’ s make time for each other, put work aside once in awhile, go to bed early once in awhile, do whatever it takes.  Because  “isn’t it about Time?”

Initiating

Conan got burned, denied, rejected, one too many times in our marriage.   The dice did not often land in his favor for a time.  And when he no longer had to push and push to get me to have sex with him, he stopped a lot of his initiating.

Now, In spite of me initiating regularly, telling him I’ll always be available, even telling him that he can wake me up in the night anytime he wants, he is still a bit gun shy.  So the other morning when he initiated, he mentioned that he was a little worried that I would say no.   And he still just tells me the next day that he woke up with an erection the night before, but didn’t want to bother me, figured I’d be too tired, or would just push him out of bed or something!  Every time he tells me that, I  tell him that next time he needs to wake me up.   He has only taken me up on my offer a handful of times.

I know he is supposed to be the main initiator in the relationship, but I do believe that a person can only take so much rejection.   And some emotional wounds leave scars.  Conan knows I won’t say no to him anymore.  I asked him how he felt about that and he said “Really great!”  (He’s so eloquent.)  He knows it intellectually and it makes him feel great, but I’m not sure when all that is going to completely overtake the years of no, maybe, not tonight, I’ll think about it, etc.  Don’t get me wrong, he does initiate, but it sometimes makes him nervous.  (Don’t tell him I told you that, ha ha!)  As time goes by he initiates more and more.  But I also don’t wait for him to initiate.  If he hasn’t for a few days, I take action.

So do men want their wives to initiate sex?  Yeah, I think so.  Perhaps not all the time, but at least one or two out of ten times, maybe more if they’ve been burned in the past.  More importantly, do they want their wives to accept them and say yes?  Yep, I know so.  Even big strong men need love, affirmation and acceptance.  They just might not word it exactly that way!  I think reacting warmly and positively to his advances is just as important and probably more so than initiating.

Oh, and one more thing:  Initiating makes me feel seeexxxyyyyyyyyy.  🙂

Conan the Barbarian

Guys want to be looked up to, respected, and admired in their wife’s eyes, in and out of the bedroom.   I believe that most women want to admire and respect their husbands, too.

I gave my husband his nickname very shortly after we met.  We met in the mid-80’s, during Arnold’s hey day.  Arnold had won the title of Mr. Olympia for the bazillionth time in 1980, when the movie, Conan the Barbarian, came out.  My husband idolized Arnold.  He wanted to look just like him.  He did not use steroids, so it was pretty much impossible to get the same physique, but he did come pretty close.  (I’d love to brag him up and post some pictures, but I’m not sure if I should or not.)

Anyway, I knew how much he liked the Conan the Barbarian movie, and Arnold, and one time after some really great sex I said, “Thank you, Conan!” as a joke.   He got the cutest little grin on his face!  I could tell he was really pleased.  Pleased to give me so much pleasure, and pleased that I compared him to a very manly man, in his eyes.  And it stuck.  (I’ve never called him that in public, only in the privacy of our bedroom.  But it just seemed natural to call him that here on this blog about sex.)  This little nickname for my dh is just a very simple way I can make him feel admired.

A guy wants to know he is pleasing his wife.  A normal guy will go to great lengths to please his wife in the bedroom, but he would really like a little encouragement and praise for his efforts.  Maybe you have a silly nickname for him.  Maybe you have a special look or touch.  Maybe you just lay there afterwards in a pleasure induced stupor and he gets to feel like he’s the man!

Of course, there are times when I feel like “the woman”, too, and HE is the one in a pleasure induced stupor.  I like that almost as much!

Nobody’s Perfect

Last night Conan *gasp* hurt my feelings.

I initiated, and he said no.  I teased him about “therapy” and he snapped, “No!  I am too stressed out and you need to understand that!”  And he left the room (he just went in the bathroom, actually).

Hmmm.  That’s not the way my happy little blog about stress and sex made it out to be, is it?

So I called in to him, “you hurt my feelings!”  When he came out he said, “Turn on some music, babe.”  Me:   “No.  You don’t have to, and I don’t want to anymore.”  *pouts*

So he said, “Well, I do, now.”  I told him I wanted to slap him silly.  He said, “I’m going to make you melt into a puddle before I’m through with you,” and other descriptive,  very interesting things.

I believe he made it up to me.

Just telling you this to highlight that even the best posts don’t always work exactly as planned.  And even if we’d gone to bed just to sleep last night, things would have been okay.  Nobody’s perfect.  But keep trying!

Stress and Sex

stress Meditation intended for stress aid

Conan works very hard.  He puts everything he has into his job.  He is working toward a big goal he has set for himself.  He is frequently stressed out and distracted, lately.  In fact, he has been so stressed out that he hasn’t had sex on the brain as much as he usually does.  I know, right?  What could possibly be wrong with the man?  Well, this goal is very, very important to him, and he is so focused that he can’t help it.  It’s all work, all the time.  And then he falls into bed mentally exhausted from all his efforts.  (By the way, I know that Conan will hit his goal.  He  is very good at what he does.  South Beach, here we come!)

Now, in days past, if he didn’t have sex on his mind, I would have used that as a good reason to take a break from sex for a while, and I would have liked it.  As the spouse who usually has the lower sex drive, I could just wait until he asks for it or shows some interest in it again.

But is that what I should do for Conan, who typically requires plenty of sex but just seems to have forgotten that little fact?   I don’t think that’s the answer.  So I’ll tell you what I’ve been doing.  He comes to bed with a glazed look on his face, and I can tell he’s just ready to sleep.  But I have other plans for that man, because I know what is best for him.  He has forgotten what is best for him, and all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.  So I make my move.  Conan laughs and says, I’m  tired.  HA!  I say.  That’s no excuse.  Let’s see if  “he”  feels the same way.  Conan has been known to say, “If you can get it up, you can have it.”  Hmmm.  Is that a challenge?  Invariably, “he”  is not as tired as Conan is and Conan ends up succumbing to my advances.  And then he is thanking me, from the bottom of his heart.  Of course, I can be heard to repeat “Thank you, Conan!”, over and over, myself.  😉  The couple times I have said, oh, okay, honey, just go to sleep, he has regretted it.

I feel that this keeps Conan from having too much stress.   When he gets like this, we don’t communicate much.  We don’t connect, and we are just existing next to each other, taking care of things that need to be done.   So making love is about the only way we have to be close.   I know I feel much more loving towards him, and I am able to tolerate him being a bit distant and short tempered, even.  This also keeps him from getting TOO distant and short tempered.

Hey!  I even did my research.  I Googled.  And I got an answer from WebMD.  “A big health benefit of sex is lower blood pressure and overall stress reduction” it says.  Not a big secret or anything, but I like to know that I figured something out that some people had to do a study to figure out, ha ha!

Would this work on me?  I don’t know.  Maybe.  I do know that in the years where I was saying no all the time, it would not have worked.  But now?  Now I realize just how emotionally beneficial to ME it is to make love.   I do know that more recently when there are trials in my life I want to turn TO Conan for comfort and pleasure, instead of AWAY from him to retreat into myself.   And I always feel better when I do that.   So if Conan can see that I”m boiling over with stress and thinks I could use a little “therapy”, I’ll acquiesce to his superior wisdom and let him have his way with me.   🙂

So my sage advice of the day  is if you are stressed out, get some “therapy”.  Have some sex!