Stress and Sex

stress Meditation intended for stress aid

Conan works very hard.  He puts everything he has into his job.  He is working toward a big goal he has set for himself.  He is frequently stressed out and distracted, lately.  In fact, he has been so stressed out that he hasn’t had sex on the brain as much as he usually does.  I know, right?  What could possibly be wrong with the man?  Well, this goal is very, very important to him, and he is so focused that he can’t help it.  It’s all work, all the time.  And then he falls into bed mentally exhausted from all his efforts.  (By the way, I know that Conan will hit his goal.  He  is very good at what he does.  South Beach, here we come!)

Now, in days past, if he didn’t have sex on his mind, I would have used that as a good reason to take a break from sex for a while, and I would have liked it.  As the spouse who usually has the lower sex drive, I could just wait until he asks for it or shows some interest in it again.

But is that what I should do for Conan, who typically requires plenty of sex but just seems to have forgotten that little fact?   I don’t think that’s the answer.  So I’ll tell you what I’ve been doing.  He comes to bed with a glazed look on his face, and I can tell he’s just ready to sleep.  But I have other plans for that man, because I know what is best for him.  He has forgotten what is best for him, and all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.  So I make my move.  Conan laughs and says, I’m  tired.  HA!  I say.  That’s no excuse.  Let’s see if  “he”  feels the same way.  Conan has been known to say, “If you can get it up, you can have it.”  Hmmm.  Is that a challenge?  Invariably, “he”  is not as tired as Conan is and Conan ends up succumbing to my advances.  And then he is thanking me, from the bottom of his heart.  Of course, I can be heard to repeat “Thank you, Conan!”, over and over, myself.  😉  The couple times I have said, oh, okay, honey, just go to sleep, he has regretted it.

I feel that this keeps Conan from having too much stress.   When he gets like this, we don’t communicate much.  We don’t connect, and we are just existing next to each other, taking care of things that need to be done.   So making love is about the only way we have to be close.   I know I feel much more loving towards him, and I am able to tolerate him being a bit distant and short tempered, even.  This also keeps him from getting TOO distant and short tempered.

Hey!  I even did my research.  I Googled.  And I got an answer from WebMD.  “A big health benefit of sex is lower blood pressure and overall stress reduction” it says.  Not a big secret or anything, but I like to know that I figured something out that some people had to do a study to figure out, ha ha!

Would this work on me?  I don’t know.  Maybe.  I do know that in the years where I was saying no all the time, it would not have worked.  But now?  Now I realize just how emotionally beneficial to ME it is to make love.   I do know that more recently when there are trials in my life I want to turn TO Conan for comfort and pleasure, instead of AWAY from him to retreat into myself.   And I always feel better when I do that.   So if Conan can see that I”m boiling over with stress and thinks I could use a little “therapy”, I’ll acquiesce to his superior wisdom and let him have his way with me.   🙂

So my sage advice of the day  is if you are stressed out, get some “therapy”.  Have some sex!

13 thoughts on “Stress and Sex

  1. I agree with you and have found the same benefits. Especially how sex keeps us connected and helps diffuse the little annoyances & stresses of life, for both partners. I use to think you should just let sex happen naturally, but I am so convinced now that frequent sex is extremely important and healthy for marriages, just as important as eating nutritious food is healthy for bodies. So if it isn’t happening naturally, then I take matters into my own hands (or mouth).

  2. Good thought! I love your nickname for him: Conan the Barbarian!

    The thought: “If you can get it up, you can have it!” is a good one I would agree with. I’m sure it does reduce stress.

    In a recent post, I analyze a study about porn and attitudes toward women.

    One interesting tidbit that I didn’t post was this question:

    “It is acceptable for a woman to be sexually assertive”
    Strongly disagree .4
    Disagree .6
    No opinion 4.4
    Agree 32.4
    Strongly agree 61.7
    Total 99.4
    No answer .5
    Uncodable .1
    Total 100

    I think it was the most universally agreed on question in the study–only 1% disagreed, 94% agreed.

    • I have read many times from guys “I wish my wife would initiate more”. Yep, it’s fine to be sexually assertive. Even if the man is “The Initiator”, they still like it when their woman does the initiating.

  3. Zookie, You are pointing out a crucial understanding about sex – it is a resource that helps us smooth out the bumps and remain closely connected. When people begin to understand the emotional, physical and spiritual benefits of a healthy sexual relationship, sex ceases to be an activity and becomes an integral part of living.

  4. At least it was only 24 years for you – it took me 30! Oh well – I can have fun trying to make up for lost time.

    I agree with Kelly that you have hit on the key points of exactly how sex benefits marriages. Sadly though, for me – having someone tell me that back in my denial days would not have made me change. But now I have the two experiences to compare and I can see the huge difference in how close we are now and how much better our marriage is compared to what it was. When life stresses invade our lives and we use all of our energy to deal with the issues at hand, its so easy to drift apart. Sex pulls us back together, keeps us centered on each other, and helps us to focus on the “us” part of our marriage. But it really does take an effort (sometimes a huge effort) for us to schedule in the sex part when our energy is so low. But exactly like you said – it is so worth it and we find we are both so grateful and surprisingly re-energized from doing so.

    You are smart!!!!

    • Took me almost 40 years to figure out that nothing will ever change when you marry a woman with no interest in sex who thinks that to have an interest would make her unrighteous. And what with aging and all, once you’ve gone that long there is no making up for lost time. It’s just lost…

      • I grew up in a Catholic community and the most respected people were the Priests and Nuns. Everyone knew of their vow of abstinence and I, at least, equated righteousness with no sex. That is a conflict that I think all of us converts wrestle with. There’s even a book about the concept (isn’t there a book about everything?) called Sacred Marriage, by Gary Thomas. His conclusion is that it isn’t righteous to practice abstinence when married. The way the Catholic’s describe their practice of abstinence is that they are making an offering to God of their sexuality, not that its a commandment for them to practice it. To me after 40+ years of considering the effects of this practice I equate it to a unrighteous offering to God. He gave men and women this most marvelous gift and they are giving it back unused, and expecting God to approve.

        Also, we have eternity. The important thing is to make our family life a good example for our children. Sexual things are the most wonderful tools we have for being married.

        • Interesting how people associate holiness and goodness with being asexual, isn’t it? I wonder if it does stem, in part, from the whole priest, nun thing??

          I also find it interesting that no matter how many times our leaders praise sex, tell us it’s God given, and give everyone “permission” and even encourage them to have married sex, that we STILL associate righteousness with no sex.

  5. Boy there are some great comments here!
    You know when you compare notes at how long it takes to learn some of this stuff… There is a God who gave us this power for good and an adversary who hates us and wants to use it to destroy us. Who’d have believed that we’d destroy the source of such happiness with ignorance? I get the feeling I’m thinking too much again.

  6. Outside the Norm’s comment almost made me cry. How SAD. 40 years of marriage–to age 60 or more is a tremendously long time.

    However, I keep a strong faith in the atonement. People can always change.

    Anyone who believes desiring sex is unrighteous has such a fundamental part of the gospel so doctrinally wrong that they’ve rendered most of their testimony in other things useless. This is the key of God’s plan of happiness. The key. They’re disobeying the number one commandment–love one another–and they’re destroying God’s purpose–immortality and eternal life of man.

    For help, you could study my posts on Sex and Scripture and Sex and Prophet Quotes.

    But fixing that attitude will also probably take lots of action to insist in having a relationship that meets God’s plan for your eternal happiness. A man in that situation has to be incredibly bold and strong.

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