Initiating

Conan got burned, denied, rejected, one too many times in our marriage.   The dice did not often land in his favor for a time.  And when he no longer had to push and push to get me to have sex with him, he stopped a lot of his initiating.

Now, In spite of me initiating regularly, telling him I’ll always be available, even telling him that he can wake me up in the night anytime he wants, he is still a bit gun shy.  So the other morning when he initiated, he mentioned that he was a little worried that I would say no.   And he still just tells me the next day that he woke up with an erection the night before, but didn’t want to bother me, figured I’d be too tired, or would just push him out of bed or something!  Every time he tells me that, I  tell him that next time he needs to wake me up.   He has only taken me up on my offer a handful of times.

I know he is supposed to be the main initiator in the relationship, but I do believe that a person can only take so much rejection.   And some emotional wounds leave scars.  Conan knows I won’t say no to him anymore.  I asked him how he felt about that and he said “Really great!”  (He’s so eloquent.)  He knows it intellectually and it makes him feel great, but I’m not sure when all that is going to completely overtake the years of no, maybe, not tonight, I’ll think about it, etc.  Don’t get me wrong, he does initiate, but it sometimes makes him nervous.  (Don’t tell him I told you that, ha ha!)  As time goes by he initiates more and more.  But I also don’t wait for him to initiate.  If he hasn’t for a few days, I take action.

So do men want their wives to initiate sex?  Yeah, I think so.  Perhaps not all the time, but at least one or two out of ten times, maybe more if they’ve been burned in the past.  More importantly, do they want their wives to accept them and say yes?  Yep, I know so.  Even big strong men need love, affirmation and acceptance.  They just might not word it exactly that way!  I think reacting warmly and positively to his advances is just as important and probably more so than initiating.

Oh, and one more thing:  Initiating makes me feel seeexxxyyyyyyyyy.  🙂

16 thoughts on “Initiating

  1. Interestingly enough, the same has happened with us. I do most of the initiating now. In a way it saddens me. I too think it is a conditioning response. I have conditioned him not to initiate by shooting him down so much before. Now, even though intellectually he knows I won’t say no, and that I like it when he initiates, he still seems hesitant sometimes. Maybe I am just keeping him too saturated that he doesn’t get the chance. HHHmmm!

    • Well, that may be, especially according to Strong Man’s post that since it’s available he might not feel as much urgency about it.

      I say keep “saturating” him! (I know you will.) Conan is getting better about it all the time and your hubby will, too.

  2. My wife told me 20 years ago that she felt like she was the initiator too often, and that she would never initiate again. And she has stuck with that and not initiated a single time in the past 20 years!

    And since I know that she doesn’t care for sex enough to initiate even once in 20 years, I try not to bother her for sex.

    Really, there’s nothing wrong with not wanting sex, as long as neither of you wants it. It’s only a problem if one wants it and the other doesn’t…

  3. I think that most men have been conditioned to feel like their wives are only interested in sex because their wives know that they (he) like it. After a while, especially if there has been frequent rejection, or even frequent comments about him being abnormal (that she is sure most wives don’t have sex so frequently – even if that is 1-2 times a week), a man begins to feel needy and can feel uncomfortable initiating.

    For me, what makes me feel the best about myself as a man is when my wife seeks out sex with me. It makes me feel wanted, it makes me feel like I still turn her on, it helps me to feel “still sexy” to her. What a turn on it is to have a wife looking for sex, desiring sex, wanting to find pleasure in my arms!

    My wife has told me that I can wake her up if I ever “need to”, so I don’t. If she were to say, “one of my fantasies is for you to wake me up in the middle of the night and make love to me”, I would love to fultill that fantasy. But, otherwise I am left feeling horny in the middle of the night, knowing that if I were to disturb her prescious sleep, she would be thinking “can’t he just suck it up and do without like most men”.

    • Hmmm. Yes, a denying spouse will most likely have that effect.

      I think that Conan really likes it when I initiate, too, and it does make him feel wanted and loved. Which is partly my goal when initiating. (another part is, well, pleasure.)

      Okay. So I need to tell Conan that I’m not just offering a “warm place to put it” as Dr. Laura might say, but I actually WANT and DESIRE him to wake me up and ravish me. I certainly don’t want him to feel like he needs to just suck it up and do without. Oh, no, no, no.

      Thanks for the input.

  4. Another perspective is that when something is unavailable, we want it more–feel a more urgent need for it. When it’s available readily, we aren’t as anxious to initiate.

    In other words, it’s possible he doesn’t feel a need to initiate as often because he knows you’re available.

    That is NOT to say that you should be less available–it’s probably a huge turn-on just to know that you’re committed. But perhaps in can help you feel less guilty about past conditioning and help explain some reasons for his behavior.

    My wife very rarely “initiates” in the way I do. I’m okay with that as long as I’m convinced she enjoys it as well. It’s just as hot for me to know that she is obviously enjoying sex as it is for her to initiate.

    Women can have their own way of initiating–she can initiate in very mild ways–simply wearing an outfit that fits her well–if she does it intentionally just because she knows I enjoy it that’s really hot.

    Norm–biologically healthy people generally have a desire for sex. If a healthy married couple aren’t having it, I suspect that is a bad sign for the relationship, and something to have as a goal to fix. And, because we’re commanded to be “one flesh,” I actually disagree with your estimation that if neither one wants it that everything is okay.

    • It’s true that healthy people have a desire for sex, but only up to a certain age. After that, declining hormones pretty much eliminate the physical sensation of desire. If neither partner has a desire for sex, and neither partner enjoys sex, what’s the point of continuing? And as you get older, it gets more difficult physically to have intercourse. Sure, there are helps for this, but if you don’t want to have sex in the first place, why would you try to solve the physical problems?

      But physical challenges aside: For ANY activity, if neither wants it and neither enjoys it, why pursue it? Just because someone else thinks you should?

      “One Flesh”? It’s a sweet thought, but even in the middle of intercourse we’re still quite separate organisms.

  5. Why are men “supposed” to be the initiators? Thats just an idea whose time is past. If you want it, either one of you, ASK!

  6. Hmmm. *thinking……*

    Well, I guess I am going with the concept of men as pursuers, they have all that testosterone, and, especially with Conan, a historically higher drive. I didn’t really mean that it was his job to do *all* the initiating, but I do tend to feel that as the man he’s more of a pursuer. Maybe i’m still living in the dark ages, I don’t know, but I kind of like that in a man. I mean, I am a child of the 80’s, which was practically a lifetime ago, ha ha!

    Anyway, what I’m really after is for him to not be worried that I’ll deny him, and not be hesitant to approach me. It’s gotten much better over the last few years, and I’m sure it will continue to get better.

    But yes, if you want it, ask for it, be you man or woman.

  7. Zookie, Do you ever wonder why anything related to intimacy is always talked about in what seems like the riddles of the Sphinx? If for instance your car needed to be fixed would anyone tell the mechanic in terse statements? We are as explicit as possible so they get it right the first time. Anything related to intimacy just the opposite. In this case I heard that for men the sex drive is biological and for women its (errrmmm I forget) but its like optional, basically not biological. That’s why in church priesthood lessons etc, we are beaten over the head with control your passions etc. Well, we’ve controlled our passions so well that now we have to tell men (young men who are not married) to ask girls out on dates! Initiate!

    • HI Dinosaur, very good points. I would like to specifically see more talk of meeting our spouse’s sexual needs, instead of just hearing all the time about controlling our passions. Would’t that be something?
      About the trend of guys not dating or looking towards marriage, I have recently found out that a lot of men are just gun shy about marriage due to the high percentages of divorce, and the way men stand to lose so much if there is a divorce. Do you think that has something to do with our singles not looking for marriage?

  8. Seriously, when us men get shot down enough we quit altogether. Women, if you read this, us men quit trying if we are always rejected because we get frustrated and don’t want the tension. If you reject your husband’s advances, at least tell him you can do it tomorrow or something and follow through. Then, he won’t get timid.

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