Conan Knows What I Need

I recently found some men’s blogs that I’ve been reading.  The blogs are very interesting, and present a point of view that makes sense to me in a lot of ways.  I like men, and can sympathize with a lot of their issues.

Some of  the comments on these blogs, however, are a different story.  Reading those comments made me feel, as a 40 something woman, that I was pretty much worthless to men and society.  I have no sexual value; they call it “SMV”, which stands for “sexual market value.”  I would not rate a 9 or 10, simply because once a woman is over 40 the highest she  can rate is a 5 or 6.  If I suddenly became single, no real man would look at me twice.  If Conan were suddenly to become single, he’d automatically be looking for “SMV” in a woman half his age.  Additionally, women who value staying home to raise their children and be a wife and mother are scorned and looked upon as something that was scraped off the bottom of a shoe: lazy, worthless, non-contributing leeches who drain their husbands of money and pretty much nothing else.  The condescending and over-simplified question one person put out there was what’s so hard about holding down a full-time job and then coming home and doing a little vacuuming and dusting?

Anyway, my heart was feeling bruised and battered, and I really was starting to feel worthless.  I knew intellectually that I simply cannot let anonymous comments on the internet bother me, but emotionally I was really internalizing all those things that were being said and I was just hurting.  Feeling worthless was something that in my refusing days would have turned me cold.  I would have projected those negative feelings onto Conan and I would have completely shut down sexually and turned away from him.   But now I want to turn TO him for strength, comfort and love.

When Conan got home from work, he asked me what was wrong.  I didn’t want to seem foolish, so I didn’t tell him all that, I just said I needed him to love me and be tender to me, please, that night.   Now, Conan is far from romantic, but he is loving, and he simply held me on his lap and stroked my hair for a while.

Later that evening, I knew what I really needed from him.  I needed him to show me how much he desired me, how much he enjoyed being in bed with me, and how attracted he was to me.   I needed to give him all of me, so that he could accept me and take me and make me feel like the most beautiful, desirable woman in the world to him.  Just to him.  That’s all that matters.   If we could take each other to the heights of passion, I would see my value and worth as a wife and forget about everything else.   That’s what married sex can do for a person.  It’s incredible, isn’t it?  Sex can be so much more than physical pleasure.

Conan gave me exactly what I needed that night, without me saying a word.   My emotions were raw that night, and what we had was raw, too.  And it healed my soul.  He is the most wonderful man in the world, and he loves me and feels that I am the most wonderful woman in the world.

Life is good.

16 thoughts on “Conan Knows What I Need

  1. This was very helpful to see your emotional reaction about some of these degrading comments. I get disgusted with a lot of the language and philosophies on some men’s blogs as well. I have had some useful information as well, but sometimes you have use a shovel to dig for it.

    Sometimes they remind me of the Little Rascals’ “He Man Woman-Hater’s Club.” It’s about the same maturity level.

    My guess is if you met many of these commenting guys in person, you would probably have a much easier time ignoring their perspective. Losers are most likely the ones making the kinds of comments you see.

    I also love how simply shifting your attitude to rely on, rather than to reject your spouse–changed sex from a threat to a tremendous boost for you. Sure wish more wives could gain that perspective!

    I regularly stand in awe at the immense responsibility and tremendous good work of women, and especially mothers, in God’s plan and our society. My mother is my hero!

    In my blog, I try not to whine, although I do call out anti-male bigotry when I see it, and I try to regularly praise women.

  2. This was a great post. My own wife is currently worried about how my attitude towards her will change as we get older and her SMV supposedly declines.

    What I hope she understands is how important it is to me that she is giving me the best years of her life, that we’re building a life together and we’ll have a shared history when we get farther down the road. All of that greatly increases her personal worth to me and good men (like Conan) wouldn’t leave all of that for a younger piece of tail.

    He’s lucky to have a wife who relies on him and uses sex to strengthen his marriage just like you’re lucky to have a husband who values you for more than just your looks while still being a leader and a man.

    • Thank you for that insight. That’s what we all strive for, isn’t it? A life built together , our shared history and love and passion that lasts through the years.

    • That’s true if she really is giving you the best years of her life. If not, she is running the best years of your life down the garbage disposal. If she has really given him the best years of her life he should have “cleaved” to her, and silly notions like SMV will not matter any more.

      My own wife is only recently trying to mend the sexual mess of our marriage. I appreciate what she is doing, but the fact that she ran the best years of my sexuality down the garbage disposal without batting an eye is not something I’ve let go of yet. The wounds are deep and infected. Our marriage may not recover, even if she suddenly becomes a sexual woman.

      We had a “double header” exactly once during our marriage; on our wedding night. If she puts it off much longer I won’t even be able to.

      • Foo – I know where you’re coming from. We had a very rough dry spell of 10+ years and I wrestle with the anger over that daily. It was the subject of my fasting last month, because I want those feelings gone. It’s understandable but all it does is put a damper on the time we have now. I have a testimony of forgiveness, but it’s hard to shake those feelings of abandonment from all of those awful years.

        I wish I had some helpful advice, but I thought I’d at least let you know that there are other people who understand your feelings very well.

      • Foo, I’m sorry, too that you have had this trouble. I see you’re not talking about parallel marriage anymore, and at least that is good! I wish you the best and sent a little prayer heavenward for you.

  3. I find it breathtaking that anyone would look to the internet for anything even remotely resembling self-worth. Everyone who writes has an agenda. Also most of the internet is read-only (this is how old I am back in the beginning the stats said that 95% of the traffic is read) so the tiny percentage who do write have a passion about what they write about. I see it in the anti-lds websites, or for some goofy reason (and not related to being anti-lds) communist websites. They are so passionate about what they think. No hint of even-handedness. That’s okay for religion or politics but not for anything about your soul. Its too precious for morons on the net to damage.

    I love the, “nothing’s wrong” comment. When you don’t care for the person, thats okay. When you actually love each other that’s a non-starter. I usually don’t see these it coming. Its just the gradual loneliness that I eventually notice. I, on the other hand, certainly don’t suffer in silence. My wife can see me trying to hold it in.

    It bugs me when I see a concept like SMV. Its a way to distort rather than clarify. If I were to be single tomorrow I’d want someone my wife’s age, experience, outlook on life etc.basically I’d want my wife!

    • Yeah, like I said, I knew intellectually that it shouldn’t bother me, but emotionally it did. Silly!

      I’ve used the “nothing’s wrong” comment, like most women, I think! But this time I didn’t tell him “nothing’s wrong”, I told him I was feeling down and upset and needed for him to be kind, loving and tender to me. That was fine for the time. And he knows the whole story now!

      Thanks for your thoughts about that SMV. That’s great!

  4. I am with you on this SMV stuff. It sucks. Society in general is not kind to us been around awhile women. The funny thing is that as I look at older men, I have noticed they really don’t age all that well. I think for the most part women age way better these days (even without plastic surgery). So why is it that single older men can have their pick of any age the want? And for single older women its a whole different story.

    Trophy wives are so common now, that on two separate occasions, when my husband was with one of our daughters (different ones each time) it was assumed by someone that they were married. This latest time (last month in fact) – my husband who is in his early 50’s and was with our 26 year old, pregnant daughter and her 1 year old son was asked by a neighbor (a not very observant one apparently or she would have seen him with me most of the time) when his wife’s baby was due. Now when I am alone with one of my sons – no-one ever assumes we are married. And quite frankly I am in great shape and way younger looking than my husband. Go figure!!!!

    You got a good man Zookie! I think you should keep him. lol

    • I just have to add – its the guys’ loss when they choose the younger ones. We are so much better in bed and for some of us, the lack of fertility can be a huge plus!

      I have told my husband several times that if by some chance, he ends up remarrying some day and chooses a younger wife, I am praying that God “blesses” them with fertility so that they will be fruitful and multiply several times! Certainly any older man who marries a much younger woman earns the blessings of starting all over with a new family, don’t you think?

      • CM-
        I chose an older one (4 years older) who went through menopause 20 years ago after only 20 years of marriage. While it’s true that she is no longer fertile, in her case menopause also means zero libido. And since she’s convinced that this is how it’s supposed to be, there’s no chance of any change.

        Seriously, if I had it to do over again, I would marry a woman at least 10 years younger than I am…

    • Yep, not having to worry about getting pregnant is a huge plus! And yes, I think they should have to start all over again, ha ha! That is my worst nightmare *shudders*!

      That SMV thing does suck. I really appreciated Strong Man and Graius-Gradus for their comments about it.

      That’s funny about your husband. Funny story about Conan. He’s 51. Our youngest is 10. Conan dropped off something for our youngest at his elementary school. The woman at the desk asked Conan if he was our son’s grandfather! Conan does not look old, either! His ego was quite bruised for several days after that. Poor guy! Anyway, even if Conan is a grandpa (he really is, he has three grandchildren) I’ll keep him.

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