Daily Sex

Hello and Happy Tuesday!  I’ve been pretty absent from my blog for the last week, I’ve been very busy with work and other mundane things.  I also have something else taking up my free time right now.  Conan says I’m obsessed, and maybe I am, I do tend to fixate on things (cue Conan rolling his eyes heavenward), but I’ve been enjoying myself.  Anyway, thanks for coming to my blog and thanks for all the comments!  I’ll reply soon.

So now.  Conan and I have decided that we are going to have some sort of daily sex.  Instead of one of us initiating, or asking, or us wondering if tonight we’re going to “do it”, or wondering if the other is “in the mood” or not,  we’re going to turn it around so that it’s as normal a part of our evening as brushing our teeth and saying our prayers.  Then, if there is a day/night we don’t have some sort of sex, that will be the exception, not the rule.

The reason for this is:  On Mormon Missionary Position they were discussing initiating and how people go about doing that.  I started thinking that initiating seems to be stressful for some people.  It certainly used to be very stressful for Conan.  Poor guy.  I started thinking that it would be so much easier if there was no initiating.  But how does one go about that?  My solution was daily sex!  I approached Conan with the idea and he said, that’s great, but you’re crazy if you think we can do it!   I agree that it might be challenging, but I really want to try.  One person commented that we might not be able to do it, because she thought men needed three days to recharge after sex, but maybe that was just older men.  I think she got confused.  Most men can wait NO LONGER than three days, they don’t want to take three days to recharge.  I told her that Conan certainly doesn’t need three days to recharge, and he’s 50.  Very little about Conan has changed in that area since he was 25 years old.  In fact I have teased him that the Viagra people need his blood to make their little blue pills, ha ha!  The only thing different that I can tell is that he doesn’t have sex on the brain 24/7.  His job is too stressful for that.  Another guy approaching 50 said he doesn’t need three HOURS to recharge.  Good for him.

I know it’s not a question of physical ability.  The question is scheduling and organization.  We need to be sure the kids get to bed on time.  We need to be sure we get to bed on time.  We need to be sure we’re showered and clean before 11 o’clock at night!  If I kill myself on the treadmill one day (actually every day that treadmill just about kills me), I can’t wait until just before bed to take a shower, because in all likelihood by the time I get out Conan will be asleep or it will be too late and we’ll both just want to sleep.  Conan gets up very early and works long days, so this part is especially important.

I was talking to my two BFFs about this the other day.  Both of them also said that’s a pretty ambitious goal.  The husband of one of my girlfriends travels for work, so it’s impossible for them to get together for sex every day.  But she did tell me something funny.  Her way of initiating is to, get this, start the washing machine and the dryer.  Her wonderful husband knows when he hears that washer and dryer going that he should get upstairs quick!  I just about died laughing, because I also start the washer and dryer and even leave the laundry room door open for noise control, I guess you could call it!  Too funny!  How does her husband initiate?  Well, she comes upstairs and he is laid out on the bed naked.  That’s it.  She says that’s fine, but she wishes he would take off his black dress socks, too, ha ha!!  Okay, I just had to get that in there.

So how are we doing so far?  Five out of seven.  Due to one of us getting some kind of stomach crud.  You can’t be having hot sex when you’re puking your guts out.   It’s been fun so far.  I’ll keep you posted on how it goes.

If YOU were going to go about having daily sex of some kind and both parties were willing, what would you need to do to accomplish that?  How would that change the dynamic of your relationship?

31 thoughts on “Daily Sex

  1. You’re ambitious. (and crazy) Don’t you think it will lose it’s sizzle and become tedious instead of exquisite?

    There was a book that my husband bought for me a couple years back – The Great American Sex Diet. I couldn’t recall the name and spent 20 minutes Google-ing the words, sex-book-day-cookbook-365… until I remembered diet! Needless to say, it hasn’t become part of the canon in our home.I thought he was crazy to want such a thing. I have a few words…. friction, swelling, anxiety, resentment, silence.

    We have sex when we have sex! It’s great! He would probably say we don’t have enough – I could say the same.. especially since I know he wants it more. I’m tired, overwhelmed and mired in laundry. The ONLY time I get where someone isn’t undoing my mess is after the kids bedtime. Finishing up the nightly routine early is a great idea – but unrealistic for me. Night time is my “me” time. It is when I don’t have interruptions. Reading this post, I realized that saying “I took a shower” has become foreplay… Rubbing my arm, telling off color jokes and using innuendo are not really my bag either. However, I know he’s trying – and has perfected so many wonderful things that make our sex life wonderful. He’s patient and determined to make mine multiple (woot!)

    Now for the whine – Sex as often as he wants it is not something I want, but it’s nice and I do it because I love him. I too have wants – I want to spend time with him – OUT. I want to go OUT. Alone. With him. I want him to talk to me as often and with as much interest as he does his friends. I swear, I think his facebook page knows more about him than I do – and before I do in some cases. … I’ll stop there for fear of feeling ungrateful and finding the mote in his eye. We’re happy, stressed parents of 2 pre-teens a freshly minted 8 yr old and a 3 yr old kamakaze. He works at home, we’re struggling to make ends meet, I’m on antidepressants and antipsychotics… it’s complicated – thank heaven we love each other .

    I cannot fathom adding the stress of nightly performances.

    • Mrs. Savage, thanks for the nice long comment!

      First of all, I am at a place where it will definitely not lose its sizzle. This blog has had some surprising side effects. One is that it has actually improved my marriage (which I really thought was pretty good to begin with). Another is that I’ve been able to work through a lot of emotional baggage (which I didn’t know I still had). The more I write nice things about my marriage and Conan, the more I want to be with him. And yes, I do have sex on my mind more than I used to, due to the blog. But that’s not all of it. I’m writing these things, Conan is reading them and appreciating them. We are connecting on a deeper level. I just WANT to be with him all the time and feel those good feelings. I’ve become addicted. Plus we mix it up all the time so it’s not the same old, same old every time. And we still have sexual goals to meet.

      I understand exactly where you are coming from in your life. Your kids are younger and require much more hands on care. I only have three kids, 18, 12 and 10. The 18-year-old is almost like having another adult in the house, and he doesn’t require much of my energy. Neither does my 12-year-old daughter, for that matter. The youngest still requires a lot from me, and he always has, but it’s much, much less than when he was little. But I get me time when the kids are in school, even though I’m working. You don’t. You only have a few years and your kids will all be in school, too, woo hoo!!
      Speaking of me time, you need to go out to lunch with your BFFs on a regular basis. There is nothing more therapeutic than going out with the girls and talking and laughing, eating, shopping, talking some more, and laughing some more. When my kids were little, three hours with my BFFs would sustain me for a couple weeks at a time.
      I still have Mount Washmore, too, and it seems like I am constantly cleaning up after someone, and that sucks big time. And, I am also on anti-depressants. I don’t have any depression symptoms as long as I am on them, but when I wasn’t, whew! Have you read my post on depression and sex? https://sexandtheldswoman.wordpress.com/2011/06/04/depression-and-sex/

      Anyway, I understand that daily sex is not likely something that you are going to want. I’m wondering, since you said your husband would like to be making love more often, if he would like it if you would add just one more time per week into your schedule. Forget about daily, because who wants friction, swelling, anxiety, resentment and silence?

      I also understand that you want certain things from your husband. Your wants and needs are valid and important. I hope he knows the things you want. It sounds like he is a good guy, and hopefully tries to meet them for you. Sometimes when Conan isn’t giving me some of the things I want, I have to look at what he is giving me and take it for what it is. That is hard for me.

      Anyway, now that I’ve written a novella, I just want you or anyone reading to know that I know daily sex is certainly not for everyone. If anyone wants to try it with me, though, let me know.

  2. This is a WAY cool goal. Even if you don’t succeed, you’ll have a blast trying.

    I agree that the primary barrier is often scheduling–which, if we’re honest with ourselves, is generally a matter of priorities. Do we really care about the relationship? It’s a real battle with young children at home.

    Your friend, along with many, many women, was most definitely confused. Sadly, tragically confused.

    “Most men can wait NO LONGER than three days, they don’t want to take three days to recharge.” “Another guy approaching 50 said he doesn’t need three HOURS to recharge.”

    Totally agree, including the all caps emphasis. It might take some special attention within 3 hrs, and I’m not sure it could happen EVERY three hours, continuously all day and night. Would be fun to find out, though! Eight hours would be easy.

    Here’s a fun description of this from a woman’s perspective: Man or Monster?

    I’m a less than 50, and feel I’ve changed slightly since 25, but it’s not enough of a difference that my wife would ever notice.

    Attempting this would be a dramatic, amazing improvement in the relationship overall, and I suspect, provide almost 100% divorce insurance–if it’s a goal the wife launches and promotes because she’s excited and loves her husband.

    It will be interesting what happens to your creativity and quality over time.

  3. I also noted how you said “some sort of” sex. Perhaps the idea that it doesn’t always have to be intercourse may help Mrs. Savage. Maybe you could share as much as you feel comfortable about what that means in the future.

    And, yes, it’s ambitious, even for a woman loves it and who writes a sex blog. For many women, this daily goal is probably unfathomable.

    On the other hand, for many normal men, going without “some sort” for more than a few days can be unfathomable.

    • Yep. If one of us isn’t up to the whole shebang, or we are pressed for time, we’ll do some oral or manual on the other one, instead. Of course, anytime that happens the one who didn’t want to ends up wanting to. ha ha!

  4. I could not be more pleased for you and your husband. You are doing what has to be the smartest thing in your and your kids lives. The first reaction is that this is some sort of death march, but in fact when you understand just how vast and deep sex’s effects on a marriage is, you might not wonder why its not considered the norm to have sex every day.
    Its a simple concept, God gave us these bodies on purpose. He gave us the law of chastity to govern how we use the best part of them.

  5. Thanks to everyone who’s been commenting! I am not ignoring you, I just have had a very large workload the last couple days. Whew! I think I can start answering people, now.

  6. Update: Things are going quite well, thank you very much Conan! We are enjoying ourselves immensely. Yesterday morning the strangest thing happened and I felt like we were in the Twilight Zone. We both agreed to NOT have sex that night. We’ve never had a conversation like that before. Honey, I have an all day sales meeting tomorrow. Oh, good, I have hours of work to do tonight. You go to bed and I’ll go to work. Let’s not make love.

    My head is spinning and I expect little blue men to come invade the planet at any moment.

    Now, tonight will be a different story. 🙂

    • That is too funny! But you know, I think that should be the norm. The assumption should be that you are going to have sex, and the rarity should be not having sex!

  7. Does your definition of sex mean someone has to have and orgasm? Would it be sex if it was just some foreplay and no orgasm for either of you?

    • Our definition is at least one orgasm is going to happen. Otherwise it’s just cuddling, and that doesn’t count.
      Conan can’t imagine foreplay with no happy ending. How frustrating!
      If that works for someone else, though, then more power to ’em.

  8. You know Z. the magic words you are using are.. “Our definition.”

    There’s a reason why God made our bodies to have orgasm’s and it wasn’t because there was left over parts that he didn’t know what to do with. It was to bind us together. When I think of shame that Satan (or if I got my doctrine correct, Lucifer) heaped on Adam and Eve for being naked, its the same reaction that the world has about this kind of activity. (Make a goal to have sex once a day.)

    A year or so ago there was a Preacher (I think in the south, Texas?) He challenged his congregation to this same activity. The huffiness that it was talked about was breathtaking. You’d have thought he was sick. Rather than a society that condones celibacy. I remember news shows about sexless marriages and how wonderful and deep the relationship were because it was based on platonic stuff.

    You and Conan are on the right track for happiness. And that’s the thing that can increase forever! What a great concept. Imagine the celibate couples? How many book club discussions before you’re longing for… (oh, I want to say something funny but I don’t have the courage or intellect to say it.) Let say for the sake or propriety, an intimate encounter. There.

    • “How many book club discussions [can you sit through] before you’re longing for… (oh, I want to say something funny but I don’t have the courage or intellect to say it.) Let say for the sake or propriety, an intimate encounter. There.”
      Funny! aaaahahahahahah!

      And you make a very good point. Satan has distorted sex as much as possible in this world. When you’re young and single you get as much from as many as you can. When you’re married you don’t do it at all. Or, in a Christian’s case, when you’re married you think sex isn’t spiritual or righteous and so you deny your sexuality and damage yourself and your marriage.

  9. Oops, I meant to insert Shame. Heaped shame on Adam and Eve

    Also, How many book club discussions can you sit through…

    There everything else is correct.

  10. I read this post with great interest last week, especially the revelation of a new to me blog, Mormon Missionary Position. I showed MMP to my wife as I try to be very open with her on anything I come across that could relate to our relationship and to sex in particular. Anyway, after reading their post on sex every day, she on her own came over here and read what you had to say Zookie. After marinating for a few days, she totally surprised me with the invitation to give the sex each day thing a try. It has now been three days, and things are going great, even though we both are a bit under the weather! I’ve learned that sex is a great cure for sinus headaches! After only day 1, we were talking and she mentioned to me how much less stress she feels now that it is an everyday thing. That is a big deal for her as she doesn’t deal well with stress, so this is going to be a great experiment. Thanks for sharing!

  11. And I’ll say again Zookie,for all those reading this and weeping, some men are not ever ready, and it may well not be about their partners but about their own confidence.

    • Thank you for joining the discussion. I’m glad you’re here to offer your experiences and point of view. I’m not glad that you have to have those experiences, though 😦

  12. *Sigh* This is a very long story. I’m going to admit to everyone right now that it did not go well. It was actually an epic fail. I’m not ready to blog about it. I don’t know if I want to talk about it at all. I’m confused, baffled, upset and hurt about it. I also feel extremely embarrassed and humiliated that I announced basically to the world that we would be doing this and then…
    I’m only telling everyone this because we’re all human and no one is perfect and no one’s sex life is perfect. Mine included.

    • Hi Zookie,I say this with a loving and humane smile on my face,but I told you so.

      I’m really sorry you’re hurting,and I think it’s a very laudable ambition,but my intention was to bring a little ordinary humanity to the table here, in order to facilitate vulnerability and normalise human failure,either physical or emotional.

      I hope you and your loving Conan will work this through and forgive each other for being human and not bionic. We live in a society where we expect to be ever ready and ever available or there must be something wrong. Sometimes there is,but often life just gets the better of us. We get ill,we have onerous responsibilities,we fail to prioritise. We lose the vibe,we lose the habit,we’re exhausted. We really are.

      You didn’t fail.

      So,cut yourselves some slack,maybe stop blogging and before long you’ll be back on the pony.

      And thankyou, thankyou for being brave enough to share. This is how it is to be human.

    • I am feeling REALLY bad about even asking now.

      I do think you might be being too hard on yourself. Remember there are guys like me that would just about break down crying if our wife would even have pity sex twice in one week. So what if you couldn’t do the sex equivalent of a marathon? It is clear from your blog that your a wonderful wife.

      Keep your head up! (no matter what your hair looks like) 🙂

      • I guess if I had 1/2 a brain I would have put 2 and 2 together when in December you posted in “expected sex” that:

        That’s why I’ve written about being sexually giving, enthusiastically giving, etc., because I clearly remember when I wasn’t any of those things. I was selfish. I could not or did not care about Conan’s feelings, or, more kindly, didn’t understand and didn’t try to understand his feelings. Recently, I’ve been somewhat on the receiving end of this. I’m debating whether or not to blog about it–someday, maybe.

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