Being Enthusiastically Giving

Me:  Hey, Conan, guess what my next post is going to be about?  Conan: What, Doll?  Me:  Sex! *rolls around on bed laughing hysterically*  Conan:  *looks dubiously at wife while contemplating calling the men in white coats*  hee hee hee!

I’ve been thinking a lot about participating in sex enthusiastically.    And that’s relatively easy when both spouses like exactly the same things in bed.  But what if there is something that really gets one partner going but isn’t the other partner’s favorite thing?  I’m not talking they HATE it, I’m just saying it doesn’t get them going like it does the other partner.

I’m sure there is something in your sex life that your spouse likes more than you do.  And vice versa.  So what do you do about it?  My suggestion is to participate as enthusiastically as you can.  Maybe it’s not your favorite thing.  But if it gives your spouse pleasure, why hold back?  Put it on the sexual menu.  It doesn’t have to be all the time, but as something special and nice for your spouse.

There’s nothing like your loving spouse participating in something you like, to give you pleasure, even though it doesn’t give them as much pleasure.  Where’s their pleasure, then?  The satisfaction comes from seeing you enjoying yourself and knowing it was all because of them.

Let’s say the wife wants something that her husband really doesn’t care about.  He doesn’t hate it, but it’s just not his thing.  It is one of her deepest fantasies.  He discovers this and does what he can to please her in that area.   And when that happens, she will love and appreciate him so much for it!  And then she should definitely go way out of her way to be sure that he has a fantastic experience, as well.

Switch it around and the same thing applies.  If it’s your husband’s deepest desire for a certain experience that you’re not as excited about as he is, it is a huge act of love to participate enthusiastically anyway.   And he will love you so much for it!  We can get a lot of satisfaction and pleasure from pleasing and pleasuring out spouse.

I look at it this way.  If you don’t care for a certain type of movie that your spouse really likes, you don’t have to go see it with your spouse.  Your spouse can go with a friend to see that movie.  Or even go alone.  However, If your spouse wants a certain something in bed, you are the only one who can provide that.  Of course, your spouse can do without that little something, but if it makes him or her happy, then why not give it to them?  (Unless it’s going to put your life in danger or something, of course!! ha ha!)

I encourage you to be enthusiastically giving in bed, even when what your spouse wants might not be your favorite thing.  You will for sure reap the rewards yourself!

If you’re doing that for your spouse already, you are an awesome, wonderful, fabulous spouse who should be commended for your willing participation and thanked profusely!

29 thoughts on “Being Enthusiastically Giving

  1. This may sound weird, but I’ve always thought it would be interesting if my husband had a fetish that I didn’t share because it would make it easier to do things that we both know are just for him.

    I know some folks who have a fetish for feet or pantyhose or whatever and if the partner doesn’t share that fetish but is willing to do it for the other person then it’s more of a … loving act I guess?

  2. Very well put. It’s interesting that we are usually very open and even expect each other to give out of love in other areas–changing diapers, getting up in the middle of the night to take care of kids, unstopping toilets, etc. But, when it comes to sex, often we clam up and even suggest it can be an “unholy and impure practice” if one spouse doesn’t feel “comfortable” doing something.

    Yet, trying something new and even “giving” to the other could actually be fun for both sides by trying something different.

    KaralynZ–interesting perspective. Usually guys are pretty creative because they tend to think about this a lot. That doesn’t mean they actually share their thoughts with you all the time. I bet if you shared that sentiment, he’d come up with something if he trusts you.

    If your spouse hasn’t suggested something new for awhile, you might also consider yourself and your reaction in the past to any kind of approach or new ideas. If you generally are closed and unwilling to experiment, your spouse may not be interested in sharing something that he/she knows will just be shut down.

    It’s also okay if something doesn’t work out–that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t keep trying.

    I’d way rather give something weird in the bedroom than unstop another toilet.

    • I have asked several times in the last few years. The only thing that I think might have once qualified as this was anal play which I was totally against for many years. However I now enjoy it so much that it can in no way be considered something we do only for him.

  3. I like this post! It is sad to know that the reality of many LDS marriages is that selfishness plays a big role in the bedroom. Like you said, not being willing to open themselves up and participate in those things their spouse really gets turned on by can really make a husband or wife feel not important, even neglected.

    I would love to be able to bless my wife with her erotic desires. Unfortunately, she won’t admit that she has any, when it comes to the bedroom (other then to just be close to me). That is all good, but to know that she has nothing that gets her turned on, that she would really like for me to do for/with her, makes me feel that she, 1) doesn’t find me sexual attractive, or 2) has shut off her own sexuality and is not willing to even find it, for her own account or for mine. The best thing that she can do for me is to show me that she is a sexual being and share that side of her with me.

    • Chet I agree that there can be selfishness when it comes to intimacy. Zookie put that rather strongly between the lines in this blog. I hear church leaders saying that selfishness is just about the biggest underlining issue causing marriages to fail. They then leave it at that. What many women hear is, “my husband should be less selfish and stop bugging me for sex” not realizing in some cases the selfishness was directed to the woman and her selfishness in the bed. Even on a marriage and family relations class I took during the Sunday school hour made my wife feel more sure she was right in standing her ground in the subject.

      • Oh, I hate that! I would love to have stood up and said “It’s not selfish to desire sex with your spouse! Often!”
        I probably would have, had I been there.

      • It seems that selfishness is keeping something you have that you could share, but won’t. Withholding blessing someone with the Priesthood would be selfish and bring that person under condemnation. Sex is a gift for and between husband and wife. To not excercise that gift is to “despise the gift” and reject a blessing He reserved as something that is intented to elevate marriages, not be a source of contention, exclusion, punishment or surrounded in inhibitions. Adam and Eve were put into and lived in the Garden naked – no barriers, no hiding, no secrets, enjoy.

        • Excellent comment! Thanks!

          I feel that I must point out, though, that they only pranced around naked in the garden before they ate the fruit, so they were just like two-year-olds in that respect. When their “eyes were opened” God made clothes for them.

          I love your point: Sex should not be “a source of contention, exclusion, punishment or surrounded in inhibitions.”

  4. Thanks for your blog. You and I share the same opinions! Can you email me? I need your advice as I have found myself in a very bad situation in my marriage and need advice. Thanks!

  5. I’m not convinced that *everyone* has a secret fantasy, fetish or kink. Some people really are thrilled with exactly what they have.

    What do you all think?

    • I’m kind of with you on this, and I point to my husband. After all this time I think he really just may not be harboring any secret fantasies. He’s always been pretty straightforward in his desires imo, even the ones he was not sure about sharing at first.

    • Well, I may have secret fantasies (nothing outrageous), but I would never express them to my wife. Because if I did, it would absolutely confirm to her that I am a pig and think about nothing except sex, just like all men. And I refuse to have that conversation yet again!

        • Don’t think too badly of her. She is the product of two things: five generations of LDS anti-sexuality propaganda (pioneer stock), and a clinically depressed mother who emotionally abused her children. Unfortunately, I didn’t know her family or about that family background before we got married. But I’m the one who proposed, and I even waited for a month after I asked her while she talked herself into it! By the time I figured it all out, we’d been married for years and had kids. Plus, I think maybe I have an over-developed sense of commitment. So it’s on me…

          • Just don’t get confused yourself and start thinking that there’s something wrong with thinking about sex with your wife. Be proud of your drive and defend your right to feel and show attraction to her! Be masculine. It might destabilize the relationship a little, but it sounds like that could be a good thing.

          • Okay, Norm, I will cut her some slack. That was just a knee-jerk reaction and I’m sorry! I’m sure I’d like her if I met her in person. I like most everybody! Please keep giving us your views. I find your comments very helpful.

  6. My wife has never been “enthusiastic” or demonstrative. For her sex is really just a semi-unpleasant chore which she feels obligated to tolerate. If she DID like sex and demonstrated it, she would feel unrighteous and that she was a bad person, because all Good Girls know that only bad people actually want and like sex.

  7. Chet, Guy, and Norm all express frustrations I’ve heard commonly.

    The problem with just preaching “don’t be selfish,” is that all of us have blind spots in which we don’t know how we might be selfish. Men and women have different needs, so we may not know how deficient we are in helping our spouse. A more important key might be clear and persistent communication.

    A woman might feel she’s giving a lot and being very unselfish by laying back and offering the same old traditional sex once a week, while her husband, who feels a desperate need for release every other day, is walking around continually frustrated, and he’s feeling extremely unselfish if he goes three days without relieving himself–only to find she’s not willing. Both feel very unselfish. But it’s not a happy situation.

    For example, I know a sexually frustrated guy who views masturbation as an unselfish, charitable act. She hates sex. His initiating a lot frustrates her. I don’t know if his wife agrees, but he feels it helps take the pressure off of her, and helps him be less cranky and easier to get along with. His is actually a very understandable, although I feel incorrect, mindset.

    I believe the less selfish thing for a guy in that situation might be to be more insistent and persistent so that he’s clear with his wife what his needs are. On the surface, though, that may appear more selfish to both parties, because he may have to be quite firm about getting his needs met to help her understand.

    And, yes–I know it goes both ways–sometimes women have a higher drive and are frustrated–but I doubt that is more common than the way I’ve described it. Biologically, men and women are different.

  8. Strong Man quote: “I believe the less selfish thing for a guy in that situation might be to be more insistent and persistent so that he’s clear with his wife what his needs are. On the surface, though, that may appear more selfish to both parties, because he may have to be quite firm about getting his needs met to help her understand”

    Men please do this! I wish my husband did! Both take a sex quiz. Get to the bottom of what your needs are. So you don’t go elsewhere to get them fulfilled.

    • Wendy,

      I agree with you. It can be hard when she won’t even take any such survey. I couldn’t even get her to finish, “the 5 love languages”!

      Having said that I am planning on shortly pushing harder for her to engage.

      • Thanks A Guy
        I’ve heard alot of people say if they worked as hard on their first marriage as they have to do on their second– the first marriage would have lasted.
        You may have to hit her over the head BUT GET HER ATTENTION. You owe her that.

        My husband finally got my attention–by producing 20 sex viedos with his girlfriend!

  9. The funny thing about this topic is that for so many years, I was trying to encourage my wife to be more selfish. She really needed to be more assertive in getting WHAT she wanted, and WHEN she wanted it.

    In the past year, she has become much more assertive. However, by being more selfish, she has given much more to process, and it has unleashed an enthusiasm and drive that I always believed she had, but was keeping it buried. Bedtime has become my favorite time of the day!

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