But I’m Not In the Mood

But I’m not in the mood.  Shouldn’t I feel horny first?

This is what I think is one of the biggest misconceptions there is about married sex.  No!  You don’t need to feel horny first.  In fact, I’m sure most of you know that for women especially, arousal comes after things get started, and usually not before.  That can be the case for a man, as well.  I wonder if there are many men who start out just to please their wife and not become aroused at some point?

Do you ever do something even though you don’t feel like it?  What’s your attitude about it?   If you go into it with a good attitude, you’re more likely to feel good about it after the task is done.  And the people around you can tell the difference between something done grudgingly and something done cheerfully.  Sex works in a similar way.  You can bless your spouse with the gift of your willing, loving body, even when you don’t feel like it.  But don’t go into it like you’re about to get a root canal.  I suggest you put everything you can into it.   If you can’t get into it physically, get into it emotionally.  Remember how much you love your husband.  You know how to put on a happy face to do any number of things you don’t feel like doing.  But you do them, don’t you, because to not do it would hurt someone’s feelings or let someone down or cause someone stress and anxiety.  Who is THE most important person in your life?  If you answered your spouse, like I did, then we should all be doing everything we can to make our spouses happy.   A regular, average guy will feel so good and be so happy when he’s having his sexual needs met that it will spill over into his everyday life and he will treat you like a queen.

Yes, there were plenty of times when I didn’t feel like it.  And I said no many, many times more than  I said yes.  For a long time.  Because I didn’t feel like it, okay?  It’s my body, and I don’t have to do anything with it  that I don’t want to do, right?  He’s just being selfish and inconsiderate.  I am upset, angry, stressed, etc.  He won’t die, for heaven’s sake.  (No, you won’t die without sex.  But your marriage will.)  Giving myself some credit, there were lots of times I said yes, too.  Many times I would say yes, even though I didn’t feel like it, and I would end up having a great time.  Many times I would say yes when I didn’t feel like it, and have an okay time.  And yes, sometimes I’d say yes when I didn’t feel like it and feel, well, not a whole heck of a lot.   And sometimes, sometimes I wouldn’t like it at all.  I don’t say this to hurt Conan, but it is what it is, and I’m sure there are people who can relate to what I’m saying.  And very occasionally I’d do a hand job to tide Conan over for a while longer.   (Frankly, I would have rather have quickie sex than give an obligatory hand job.  It was  just easier for me.)  And at that time blow jobs were few and far between, and certainly no swallowing!  (I explain all that in   https://sexandtheldswoman.wordpress.com/2011/04/18/gasp-swallowing/ )

Then the day came that I made a commitment to myself that I would never say no again.  That I would be available no matter what.  And that I would put my all into every sexual encounter we had.  And because Conan is such a wonderful, considerate, caring lover, I got out of it as much as I put into it.   And practice makes perfect.  In the last 7 years there have only been a handful of times that Conan and I have had sex when I have not had at least one orgasm.  I can attribute every one of those times to a quickie for Conan just before he leaves for work or something.  I count those times as foreplay, because they always leave me hanging, so to speak, and so we continue that night.

I’ve discovered something about myself.  I don’t like rejection.  I don’t like to be told no.  And I don’t mean no in general (although I don’t necessarily like that, either!),  I mean no to sex in particular.   It’s not like a rejection of an activity.  It’s like a rejection of self.  It’s not like being told no, I can’t come to your Christmas party, or no, I can’t sub for you in Primary next Sunday.  It’s like being told no, I don’t want to give and be given the most intimate, personal, vulnerable part of yourself, and,  no, I don’t want to experience the greatest pleasure there is with you, and no, I don’t care if it hurts you.  I”m sure there are people who can articulate this better than I can.  People who are married to refusers and withholders are made of sterner stuff than I.  I have only been told no to sex a handful of times in my marriage, and it’s a painful sting.  I can’t imagine the pain of constant rejection like that.  It makes me feel horrible for all the pain I inflicted on my darling Conan.  I was BLIND to it.  And what I wasn’t blind to, I IGNORED and pretended it was ALL HIS PROBLEM.  Because, you see, I wasn’t “in the mood”, so, too bad, so sad for him.

I made a conscious decision to be in the mood when approached.  And then to be in the mood and do the approaching.  It took awhile, but after a time it became a non-issue for us.

Not in the mood?  Don’t let that stop you.  Either of you.   You can always be in the mood to give and care for your spouse the way no one else can.

9 thoughts on “But I’m Not In the Mood

  1. Zookie, outright rejection is only part of the problem. If my wife doesn’t reject my sexual advances completely but is willing to “put up with sex”, that’s still a downer. For me, being “tolerated” or sex being something that my wife is “willing to put up with” is a turn-off for me. I don’t want to be viewed in the same light as a sink full of dirty dishes, an unpleasant chore to be taken care of out of obligation. I want her to want me! But that’s not under my control…..

  2. This is right on. Excellent attitude. And I bet this blog is handy for helping with the mood issue.

    I would love to know more about what led to this dramatic change in your perspective. Also–what do you most want your husband to do at these times, or do you wish he had done–especially before you had your dramatic shift in commitment?

    This took way too long for me to learn. After many years of marriage, in a brutally honest moment, my wife has said that she often doesn’t feel actually turned on until we’re about halfway through! She almost never feels a desire before we start.

    On the other hand, I’m in the mood several times a day–definitely don’t initiate every time I’m “in the mood” But it’s much more than a mood. “Very strong craving,” or even “extreme desire,” maybe?

    At first, her never initiating, and sometimes even telling me she’s almost never interested, really bothered me because I saw it as a lack of love and interest in me in general.

    However, I’ve learned my job is to initiate, and sometimes she needs and wants me to kindly, and even persistently and firmly push through those initial hesitations until she eventually starts to feel in the mood. Also, to help her think about it more often during the day so she’ll be more likely to have intimacy on the mind.

    • Well, I do think about sex a bit more than I used to, ha ha!

      My change of perspective and attitude is very complicated. And it didn’t happen all at once. Lots of my posts are about those gradual changes. I may be able to get them all together in a sort of a list if I put my mind to it. I’ll really have to think about answering your question about what I wish Conan would have done. I don’t want to say anything negative or that could be perceived as negative about him. However, I do think some of it could be helpful, so we’ll see. For now I’ll simply say I’m not perfect and neither is he, but we have learned, and are still learning, to live with each other.

      I think you and your wife are pretty normal.

  3. I have been pondering this post ever since you wrote it. It’s really true for me most of the time that body wise I am really not “in the mood”. However for the past several years I am in the mood “mind wise” almost all the time. And the body mood follows almost always after things start, just like you describe.

    The mind mood is what has changed for me. I look back to my refuser days and now wonder what was the big deal? Why couldn’t i just allow things to flow instead of denying him most of the times? It really was just plain selfishness on my part – a lack of concern for what he wanted (as I certainly didn’t see it as a need back then). I rarely thought about sex or feeling sexy. My mind was seldom in “the mood”. I didn’t let it go there. Good girls didn’t think about sex!! Now I think about it all the time. I am almost always ready, willing, and more than happy to have things start to get the body in the mood!

    And also just like you say, hearing the word no when I initiate is just plain devastating to me these days. So ironic!!!!!!!!!!!!! Fortunately for me, hubby seldom uses that word. Even though as he ages things are slowing down a bit as far as his desire level is concerned, he is usually willing to accommodate me, and yes his body mood happily follows too. 🙂

    • I was a lot like you. Only my refusal didn’t stem from Good Girl Syndrome. It stemmed from anger and resentment and fatigue and depression and stress and things like that. Still, I wonder why I just didn’t say yes more often. I wonder if some of the issues we had could have been solved by our being intimate more often. Well, I don’t just wonder, I know some of them could have been solved by that! (Probably not all, but at least some.)

      And you’re right, I still don’t necessarily get physically aroused ahead of time, although there ARE certain things that REALLY DO it for me! But I’m always mentally there and it only takes a few seconds to get physically there anymore.

Thanks for commenting! I love comments!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s