But I’m not in the mood. Shouldn’t I feel horny first?
This is what I think is one of the biggest misconceptions there is about married sex. No! You don’t need to feel horny first. In fact, I’m sure most of you know that for women especially, arousal comes after things get started, and usually not before. That can be the case for a man, as well. I wonder if there are many men who start out just to please their wife and not become aroused at some point?
Do you ever do something even though you don’t feel like it? What’s your attitude about it? If you go into it with a good attitude, you’re more likely to feel good about it after the task is done. And the people around you can tell the difference between something done grudgingly and something done cheerfully. Sex works in a similar way. You can bless your spouse with the gift of your willing, loving body, even when you don’t feel like it. But don’t go into it like you’re about to get a root canal. I suggest you put everything you can into it. If you can’t get into it physically, get into it emotionally. Remember how much you love your husband. You know how to put on a happy face to do any number of things you don’t feel like doing. But you do them, don’t you, because to not do it would hurt someone’s feelings or let someone down or cause someone stress and anxiety. Who is THE most important person in your life? If you answered your spouse, like I did, then we should all be doing everything we can to make our spouses happy. A regular, average guy will feel so good and be so happy when he’s having his sexual needs met that it will spill over into his everyday life and he will treat you like a queen.
Yes, there were plenty of times when I didn’t feel like it. And I said no many, many times more than I said yes. For a long time. Because I didn’t feel like it, okay? It’s my body, and I don’t have to do anything with it that I don’t want to do, right? He’s just being selfish and inconsiderate. I am upset, angry, stressed, etc. He won’t die, for heaven’s sake. (No, you won’t die without sex. But your marriage will.) Giving myself some credit, there were lots of times I said yes, too. Many times I would say yes, even though I didn’t feel like it, and I would end up having a great time. Many times I would say yes when I didn’t feel like it, and have an okay time. And yes, sometimes I’d say yes when I didn’t feel like it and feel, well, not a whole heck of a lot. And sometimes, sometimes I wouldn’t like it at all. I don’t say this to hurt Conan, but it is what it is, and I’m sure there are people who can relate to what I’m saying. And very occasionally I’d do a hand job to tide Conan over for a while longer. (Frankly, I would have rather have quickie sex than give an obligatory hand job. It was just easier for me.) And at that time blow jobs were few and far between, and certainly no swallowing! (I explain all that in https://sexandtheldswoman.wordpress.com/2011/04/18/gasp-swallowing/ )
Then the day came that I made a commitment to myself that I would never say no again. That I would be available no matter what. And that I would put my all into every sexual encounter we had. And because Conan is such a wonderful, considerate, caring lover, I got out of it as much as I put into it. And practice makes perfect. In the last 7 years there have only been a handful of times that Conan and I have had sex when I have not had at least one orgasm. I can attribute every one of those times to a quickie for Conan just before he leaves for work or something. I count those times as foreplay, because they always leave me hanging, so to speak, and so we continue that night.
I’ve discovered something about myself. I don’t like rejection. I don’t like to be told no. And I don’t mean no in general (although I don’t necessarily like that, either!), I mean no to sex in particular. It’s not like a rejection of an activity. It’s like a rejection of self. It’s not like being told no, I can’t come to your Christmas party, or no, I can’t sub for you in Primary next Sunday. It’s like being told no, I don’t want to give and be given the most intimate, personal, vulnerable part of yourself, and, no, I don’t want to experience the greatest pleasure there is with you, and no, I don’t care if it hurts you. I”m sure there are people who can articulate this better than I can. People who are married to refusers and withholders are made of sterner stuff than I. I have only been told no to sex a handful of times in my marriage, and it’s a painful sting. I can’t imagine the pain of constant rejection like that. It makes me feel horrible for all the pain I inflicted on my darling Conan. I was BLIND to it. And what I wasn’t blind to, I IGNORED and pretended it was ALL HIS PROBLEM. Because, you see, I wasn’t “in the mood”, so, too bad, so sad for him.
I made a conscious decision to be in the mood when approached. And then to be in the mood and do the approaching. It took awhile, but after a time it became a non-issue for us.
Not in the mood? Don’t let that stop you. Either of you. You can always be in the mood to give and care for your spouse the way no one else can.