Expected Sex

What does your husband want for his birthday?  The average, red blooded male wants SEX!  I’m pretty sure that’s what he wants for Valentines Day, Father’s Day, your wedding anniversary, Christmas and New Year’s.

Why is it hard for some of us to give our husbands what they want for these events?  This is the question our guys just can’t figure out.  First of all, you don’t have to shop for it.  Secondly, it’s FREE!  Plus, it’s what they really want!  Most importantly, it’s a gift that gives back, in a very nice way.

Oh, sure, there are other things that you don’t have to shop for and are free, like making a coupon for free hugs and backrubs (with no happy ending, I mean) or his favorite dinner or something, but I’m going to go out on a limb and say that a coupon for a free hug is not gonna cut it!  (The dinner will be appreciated, though, I’m sure!)  Anyway, I remember a time when expected sex just made me more standoffish than ever.  It really irritated me to think that I was expected to put out at those times.  That’s why I’ve written about being sexually giving, enthusiastically giving, etc., because I clearly remember when I wasn’t any of those things.  I was selfish.  I could not or did not care about Conan’s feelings, or, more kindly, didn’t understand and didn’t try to understand his feelings.   Recently, I’ve been somewhat on the receiving end of this.  I’m debating whether or not to blog about it–someday, maybe.  But I will tell you I know how it feels, now.  And that feeling is NOT GOOD AT ALL.  A big hug, little smooch and a “Happy [fill in the day], honey, I love you,” even if you mean it, before rolling over and going to sleep is small consolation for rejection.    That won’t make your spouse feel loved and cherished.  Actions speak louder than words.

If you love giving gifts, if your spouse loves receiving gifts, that’s great!  Go out and shop your little heart out.  But if what he or she really wants is to make love to you or be made love to, make that their number one present!

I’m going to give you a pass on Christmas Eve.  Especially if you’re like me and are up wrapping gifts ’til 3:00 a.m.  while your husband peacefully slumbers, allowing you to do all the work.  (I’m not sure Conan has ever wrapped a gift in his entire life, truthfully.)  Anyway, after an eventful day of last minute shopping, cooking, family gatherings, wrestling with kids to get them to go to bed, and THEN wrapping the gifts, all this girl wants is my fluffy pillow and sleep!!!  (Yes, if I was Ms. Superwoman and had all my gifts wrapped and ready to go beforehand, I could go to bed with my husband.  Ms. Superwoman I”m not.  Maybe this year–I still have a few days.)  You do not get a pass if your husband helps you with everything and you go to bed before midnight, haha!

Do you want sex in celebration of holidays and major events like anniversaries and birthdays?  Do you give sex for those events?  Why or why not?

Merry Christmas!

16 thoughts on “Expected Sex

  1. My wife and I reversed the expectations a few months ago – we WILL have sex on easily met conditions and provided there is a free pass for illness, crazy schedule etc. This changes everything. No more guessing, no more silly games. And she has told me that it was a much easier transition than she thought it would be. Zookie, you were part of the inspiration for this, so MANY THANKS!!!

  2. This is well-put. The gift analogy is a good one.

    It’s like a parent who would read a carefully-crafted letter that tells Santa they only want ONE thing for Christmas. That item is something the parent can easily afford, would probably be enjoyable to give, and would dramatically help the child in his or her development, but the parent instead blames the child for asking too much.

    Wouldn’t that attitude reflect neglect, unkindness, lack of compassion? Spouses aren’t parents and children, but aren’t many people doing that with sex?

    To be fair to both sides, though, if you’re not clear about communicating your desire and need, it’s not right for you to feel all put out an neglected in any given moment. You might need to be more absolutely clear about your desires.

  3. Does “trying for pregnancy” sex fit into this category? It took us almost 9 months of “trying” for most recent pregnancy and we were on a pretty rigorous every-other-day schedule (extra sessions were always allowed but scheduled sessions were mandatory). I’m a little surprised to admit that there were a few (brief) moments when I wasn’t all that into the idea, but sometimes you have to tell yourself that it’s for the greater good and jump in the sack!

    Once you adapt to the idea, however, I think scheduled sex can be every bit as fun as impromptu sex. Sometimes it required a slightly different mind set … even a sense of humor … but with a little more time to prepare, it opens the door for a little more “creativity” in your routine. Over time, I think the scheduled approach actually helped us open up some better channels of communication and learn a little more about what “works for us”.

    Keep on bloggin’ Zookie … can’t wait for the book to come out!!

    • Hi Ben, and thanks for your comment! We never had that experience while trying to conceive. I knew exactly when I was ovulating, and when I wanted to get pregnant, I did. Literally just like that. I wonder what that would have been like? “You HAVE to do it” kind of thing. Well, practice makes perfect!!

      p.s. thanks for the compliment!

  4. Speaking of “expected sex” it’s been about 2 1/2 months since your Daily Sex post.

    When you feel the timing is right, it would be interesting at some point to see an update on how or if that’s working.

    And, in my above “you” on my comment on communications, I’m not talking about “you,” zookie. Not at all. I’m reflecting on myself and other men or others in general who feel they are being neglected, but aren’t being clear enough about their desires.

  5. I think the only holidays we really expect it is for Anniversaries and Valentines and on the others it happens if we’re not too burnt out.
    I love Kelly’s idea!

  6. My wife has always been like the “old you”: the whole idea of expected sex annoyed her. But unlike you, she never got over that and doesn’t ever initiate sex on special occasions. Do I ask for it? No, because to me a gift isn’t very meaningful if you always have to ask for it. Ladies, think how you’d feel if the only time hubby bought you flowers was when you specifically asked him to (or insisted on it).

    But since my wife never initiates sex at any time, the special occasion part is not a surprise. And while it doesn’t surprise me, it does bother me. I often wonder what it would be like to be with a woman who wanted me. I can only speculate, but it must be a lot more fun!

    And my wife probably wonders why I no longer go out of my way to make really special occasions out of anniversaries, Valentine’s Day, etc. Oh sure, I still take her out to dinner or a movie or something, but no romantic weekend getaways, etc, because she doesn’t “do” romantic, except in a very limited sense. Her idea of “romance” is holding hands, I Love You’s, back rubs, walks on the beach, etc. But “The Act” she can easily do without.

  7. Outside – my wife was like that until I decided it was time to be bold and make a change. She had disliked sex and so shunned it that to her it was an impossible “wall” that blocked the way forward. In other words, she was in an infinite negative loop. But, after a very direct conversation, we started doing simple things – 3o minutes each night in bed sans clothes listening to music and touching, more honest and direct communication etc. and she started to change. Three years later we are going better than ever, with sex almost daily. Interestingly, she told me just a couple of days ago that “making the decision” to have sex was kind of a burden; now that the rule is sex daily unless there are extenuating circumstances, she found that having the decision already made kind of “liberating”. Who knew??!!

  8. Kelly, I am curious about this “very direct conversation”. Many men have direct conversations, but it gets them nowhere. What was in you conversation that made your wife decide to change and what do you think has caused her to continue with the change long term, because some wives will do it short term but then revert right back to their old ways?

  9. After almost 15 years of our sexually dysfunctional marriage my wife heard a message during Stake Conference that finally succeeded in changing her attitude toward marital sexuality. Our sex life isn’t enviable (except maybe someone in Norm’s shoes) but it has improved significantly.

    We have two “days” out of the week when sex is planned. They are about the only two days during the week when we can plan on having the energy, time and privacy she needs. Even so, unexpected/unusual things that happen and I’d say that we hit our planned days about 75% of the time. So we have gone from once every 4 to 6 weeks, to roughly 6 times per month. This is an improvement for sure.

    The problem I’m having is that our “planned” nights are interferring with what could possibly be some spontaneous moments. I’ll get some unexpected time off of work or she’ll get off early, or she won’t go to the gym that day. If it seems like a good opportunity I’ll approach her (sometimes hours in advance) to warm her up to the idea. When I get to the “Hey sweetheart, want to head back to the bedroom” part, she starts going through the plan. She’s worried that if we do it today she won’t be ready again for one of the planned days. So she either turns down the offer, or trades days.

    So my question for the ladies is this: Is sex really so physically demanding that having it on Tuesday means Wednesday is out of the question? That is the attitude I am getting from her, and honestly I don’t really like it.

    • Foo, I am so happy that things have improved so much for you!
      How long has your quantity been up? I think, and I’m absolutely no expert, that you haven’t been doing it so frequently for long enough for it to sink in to her that she can actually have spontaneous pleasure without having to get herself all mentally prepared first. I understand that you feel hurt that it seems to be so “physically demanding”. It’s likely not physically demanding, but try to understand that it just might be mentally demanding. It took your wife time to get to where she is, and is going to take time to improve from here. Me saying try not to take it personally might not be particularly helpful and won’t stop your hurt feelings, but it’s logical.

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