A Woman’s Hair

I HATE my hair and want to chop it all off!!!!  Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!  My 13-year-old daughter shrieked as she ripped bobby pins out of her hair and slammed out of the bathroom.  Calm down, sweetie, it’s fine, I soothe.  NO, it’s NOT!  she responds in typical dramatic fashion.   I smile at her histrionics and remember those days.  A few minutes later she comes back in the bathroom and says to me, your hair looks good, Mom.  What??  I say, no, no, no, it looks like CRAP right now.  I haven’t even styled it yet!  I would NEVER leave the house looking like this!  Mom, you’re crazy, your hair looks fine, she says to me.  She doesn’t see the irony of the situation.  Haha!

I’ll say this about my hair.  I want it to be pretty.  I want it to make me feel pretty.  And I always want it to make me feel sexy.  Always.   I don’t care about my nails, I don’t care about a tan.  But my hair MUST be perfect.  (Oh, I wish.  It actually does what it wants when it wants and gives me fits every day.)  And good hair makes me feel sexy.  More than clothes or jewelry, and slightly more than makeup.  Sexy hair and minimal makeup works.  Good makeup and crappy hair doesn’t work AT ALL.

My relationship with my hair, and make no mistake, it is a relationship, can be pretty rocky at times.  Three times in my life I’ve had short hair.  I kept forgetting that I HATE my hair cut short.  I was a senior in high school the first time I cut it short.  I can’t remember WHY I cut my hair short, but I did.  It wasn’t all that bad, but it just didn’t make me feel pretty.  I was about 23 when I went into the salon and decided it would be “fun” to get an entirely new look.  My stylist convinced me to go short.  That’s the style these days, she reasoned.  You’ll look so fashionable and up-to-date.  Off went a good 12 inches of beautiful, dark chocolate brown curls (those were the days of permed hair, if you can remember that far back).  Maybe more.  It was all over the ground around me.  Convinced I was going to look “soooo cute”, I was happy to see it all gone.  For about two days, that is.

Fast forward about 15 years.  I’m having a hormone induced fit about my hair.  I can’t do anything with it.  I have spent the last half an hour messing with it and it still looks crappy.  It sucks.  I HATE it and want to chop it all off!!!!!  So I impulsively jump into the car and drive up the road to the no-appointment-needed salon.  I plop myself down in the chair and say, I’m SICK of this hair.  Chop it ALL OFF!  After a dubious, are you sure?  And me answering a decisive YES!  My little stylist happily obliged.  Those stylists can’t wait to get their evil little scissors into long hair.  Snip, snip, snip, and my hair is short.  Not as short as the last time (which in my hormonal fit I had completely forgotten about) but still, pretty darn short for me.  Once again, it took about as long for me to regret it as it did for my PMS to go away.  About two days.  Then it took me three years to grow it out to an acceptable length.  Since then I’ve kept it long.  My advice to my daughter just the other day:  Never, NEVER, EVER get your hair cut when you have PMS.  You WILL regret it.

It’s really long now, it brushes just below my bra strap down my back. I just measured it and it’s 24 inches from crown to ends.  My long hair makes me feel sensuous and sexy.  My hair is like lingerie or sexy shoes.  It’s much better, actually, because it’s something Conan absolutely LOVES.  It makes me look and feel good.  I like the feel of it brushing against my bare skin.  It spreads invitingly out on a pillow.  It falls, a feminine curtain, around my face.  It pools on Conan’s stomach and thighs.   It is just long enough to almost cover…

All right, enough about me.  I think women want their hair to be sexy or sassy or cute or pretty, and if it is, we feel better about ourselves and that translates into feeling better sexually, too.  I also think that our hair and how we take care of it says a lot about how we feel about ourselves in general.  That’s just been my observation, of course, no scientific studies or anything, so feel free to completely disagree.   I think a woman who likes her hair is more likely to like herself!

Now, what happens when our hair starts to turn gray?  Most of us color it, some of us let it go.  This has been bothering me for a couple years, now.   I still have very little gray.  In fact, it has just been this year that I can see it without picking through my hair to find the grays.  For the last five years or so I’ve simply plucked out the few grays that grow in. When I found my first gray hair I screamed (literally) bloody murder and scared the crap out of Conan.  He got extremely put out with me and told me never to do that again.  I told him don’t worry, I wouldn’t, because my life was officially over and he might as well start digging my grave and kill me.  (You don’t wonder where my daughter gets it anymore, do you?)

I may not be screaming anymore, but it is incredibly depressing to see those gray hairs.  Blah.  I’ve reached the point where I need to start coloring my hair.   This whole business makes me feel extremely UN-sexy.  Call me vain, shallow, narcissistic, I don’t mind, Conan’s been calling me those things for years, HA!  I HATE that I’m getting older and getting wrinkles and gray hair.  HATE IT!  And I’m having to adjust my thinking about sex just a bit again.   Oh, sure, I was pleasantly surprised at 40 when I didn’t shrivel up and die on the spot and my sex drive charged up like a Lamborghini, but NOW, what about being a gray-haired old lady grandma?

Oh, and why is it okay for men to go gray but not for women?  Just a little graying at the temples hints at maturity, strength, character, and is just a bit sexy.  On a man.   Graying temples on a woman makes me think that woman has been neglecting herself, at the very least.  Sexy it is NOT.  Blah to that.    (Sorry if that’s judgmental, it’s my one character flaw!) And OMG!  What about gray hairs “down there”???  Gasp!  Okay, that settles it, I’m bare for life or until I’m physically unable to de-hair myself anymore.

So I tried coloring my hair a couple years ago.  What a horrible thing that was.  I could tell it wasn’t the same color and it was a little bit red.  I HATED it.  Can you see all that redness on the ends?

Don’t get me wrong, I like red hair.  It’s beautiful.  On some one else!  If you want to have red hair, natural or otherwise, go  for it!  But I DO NOT want red hair.  My hair is chocolate brown.  Dark chocolate brown.  And I want to keep it that way.  I am petrified of trying to color it again.   If I want to get rid of that pesky gray hair I’m going to have to try again, though.  SIGH.  I suppose that any color is better than gray, so what am I crying about?  I’m saying a long, drawn out goodbye to my youth, that’s what, and it isn’t pleasant.

How’s a girl supposed to feel sexy with wrinkles and gray hair?  I don’t know yet.   I do know one thing, I’m not going to let wrinkles and gray hair stop me from enjoying myself in bed, that is for sure.  The days of denying myself and Conan pleasure because of my perceived flaws are loooooonnnng gone.  I’ve learned that much over the years.  No matter how we look or how old we get, we still want and need a good orgasm.  Or two.  Or more.  🙂  Gray hairs be damned.

It’s time to start shopping for a good color, I suppose.

34 thoughts on “A Woman’s Hair

  1. Always kept my hair long,it was a mark of my femininity for me. And I didn’t mind a little graying, I found it kind of womanly. But as that progressed, I had this salt and pepper look that I liked a lot less and just looked unpleasant. So,I go for streaks,which if expertly done look like highlights. I go for a golden brown,the whole effect is kind of honey.

    Whilst I’d love to turn the clock back,it ain’t gonna happen,and trying lamely to hold onto our youth ‘invites unkind comparisons’ as my mother would say,and in this case she was so right. Also,with the colouring, I had to cut it,but I’ve kept it a sexy chin length with lots of softness. I had no idea how that would turn Mr Darling on. Wow,you’d think he was sleeping with a new woman. It’s a great length for him to grab during sex and makes my neck a new focus which always increases my pleasure in whatever else is going on a hundredfold. Win win.

    I’m fortunate enough to be in fairly good shape,but clearly not what I was. Recently,in bed Mr Darling complimented me,and I churlishly replied that he should have said that some years ago when it was actually true. He replied by saying that I was lovelier now,a more complete woman. Well,that was a score.

    But more seriously,it’s left me thinking about the idea that what I think he wants and what he does actually want are different things.I think as women we have been persuaded to think that we are not good enough by media who prey on our insecurities,fed by images of woman who we love to look at for their flawless beauty. But what my lover wants is a real woman as it turns out,damp and ruffled from real sex. Life is good.

    • Love your story about your hair! That’s great!
      And have you seen my post about believing your man? When they compliment us they mean it. And that was a lovely, sweet thing for him to say to you.
      And as Dr. Laura says, a guy doesn’t need his wife to have a perfect body, he just wants his wife’s body pressed against him. 🙂

      • Z, as always you’re writing is awesome.
        I love Dr. Laura but sometimes she misses it. This phrase is an example. Though I would agree that within reason physical things with my wife don’t matter, and I like eating but its the soul that she shares that is everything. That’s the heart sharing part of intimacy.

        • dino–Dr. Laura: “a guy doesn’t need his wife to have a perfect body, he just wants his wife’s body pressed against him.”

          You really think this “missed it?”

          I don’t. Not at all.

          Sure, the “soul” is nice and all, but the body is a great way to demonstrate where the soul is. Plus the quote was about physical attraction to your wife (presumably vs.other women)–I’m physically attracted when my wife shows she likes me by sharing her body.

          • Hello,
            Sorry about how long it took to respond… But that’s about how long it takes for me to compose in my head a response.
            There was a post some time ago in the FMH about this quote from Dr. Laura. They were all filled with rightous indignation that their husbands weren’t this kind of person and that Dr. Laura treats men like neandrathals. Tragically they make a good point because that’s throwing the baby out with the bath water.

            I think we know that she sometimes exaggerates to make a point and this is an example of it. Its the danger of making an important point into a sound bite. Its an example of coucil, though good is more heat than light. Or in other words, in my opinion its one extreme of the spectrum to say men only care for food and sex (or food, football and sex, haha) the other extreme is these couples who have sexless marriages and the TV news shows love to interview them as they drone on and on about how spiritually connected they are.

            Hey, while I got the repy going let me throw a couple logs on the fire:
            1. My wife had long hair when we married. I loved it. Now its short and I love it. The thing I’ve learned to love is her neck.
            2. Zookie, you made a comment about shoes and how tall they make you. I can honestly say (and both my wife and I are around 6′) that there’s no such thing as a woman who’s too tall.

            There was another point but I can’t organize my thoughts well enough to write it.

        • Why thank you, Travis. Travis was the name of my college boyfriend. Makes me a little nostalgic.
          p.s. Travis went on to say a few things that I had to edit out of his comment…slightly inappropriate!! Made me blush to say the least. But I did read it, Travis, so thank you for the compliments 🙂

  2. This post is both hilarious and sobering. Zookie writing style is quite funny, but body image as we get older and how we see ourselves is no laughing matter. Some people go overboard and try to turn back the clock at all costs. Most just handle it like Zookie – we dislike it and then get on with life.

    I must mention that I have never found a woman with short hair attractive – ever. It is one of the main thing that makes a woman a woman.

  3. I couldn’t agree more on the subject of women’s hair. I love long, feminine, sexy hair. And that’s probably why my wife, who has no interest in sex, wears hers naturally mousy gray and chops it off very short so that all she has to do after she gets out of the shower is run a comb through it.

    I’ve told her in the past that I prefer it longer, but she says it’s “too much trouble”. Also too much trouble are: wearing makeup, plucking eyebrows, shaving legs/underarms, staying below 200 lbs, and dressing in feminine styles.

    Ladies, if you want to purposely turn off your husbands, make sure that they know that it’s just “too much trouble” to look feminine and sexy. It’ll really kill that pesky male libido.

    • Norm, once again I am judging your wife in a very non-Christ like way. I’m telling myself now that she must have some good qualities. A good grandmother, a good cook, maybe?

      You know, though, when I cut my hair short when I was 23, Conan hated it. And I, in my independent, I am woman, here me roar, mode, just said, “I do my hair for myself and not for you. Don’t try to control me.” How’s that for a complete b**ch? That was really not who I am deep down. I just bought into a lot of nonsense and feminist conditioning back then. I was just too young and inexperienced to know any better. 🙂

  4. Norm–I’m really curious what keeps you married? Your comments are very sad.

    Zookie–I love hair that’s at least long enough that it is feminine–that it wouldn’t work on a successful businessman. Probably shoulder-length or more is great. Beyond that I’m really not very picky. Boy-cut in the back is a turnoff. Waist-length is also a bit of a turnoff because it suggests a woman who may be too high-maintenance and it just gets in the way. But it’s fun to read about your “relationship.”

    I’ll probably have to be quite a bit older to find gray especially attractive, but then at that point, many other factors become much more important anyway.

    By the way–I find it odd how women talk to each other about their hair. I’ve seen women praise another woman for about hairdos that I would view as not attractive at all. Are women to be believed? Do they honestly believe what they’re saying? Do they feel bad for the poor soul? Could they be competitively selfish in intentionally praising a “boy-cut” or something that obviously will not work with the guys?

    Doesn’t always happen that way, but I’d suggest your women friends might be at best useless when it comes to compliments about your hair and clothes.

    • Any comments I make to other women about their grooming are based solely on my perception of beauty. I love to see my sisters looking gorgeous as it gladdens my eye. So Zookie,if I say you look gorgeous it’s because I think you look gorgeous. Then again,I have no need to compete as I feel safe in my Darling’ affections.

      Enjoy yourself Zookie.

    • Oh, Strong Man, that is a loaded subject–can a woman be trusted to tell another woman the truth? Some women can be. Handle With Care says she means what she says. I know that I don’t lie to other women about how they look. I just keep my big mouth shut. (Difficult, but not impossible, haha!) I implicitly trust my two best friends and my sister not to lie to me about the way I look, my hair, my clothes, etc., and they trust me in the same way. But not very many others. Why do some women lie right to another woman’s face about they way she looks? I suppose they might be trying to be nice.
      But a very common trait in women is just plain cattiness. I know too many women who are nice to your face but you can’t trust them to be nice about you when you turn your back. It doesn’t matter how old, that is a very common thing with girls and women.

      Oh, and some women really DO like hair styles that aren’t appealing to men. Yep. I know, shock! 🙂

      • This post about hair and the comment of, “can a woman be trusted to tell another woman the truth?” reminded me of a theory that I have. I think many women keep getting their hair cut shorter and shorter just because women feel compelled to tell another woman that just cut her hair, “It looks GREAT!!” It is classical conditioning (not as in shampoo and conditioner 🙂 ) People respond to what brings them praise/attention. I guess my theory does have a limit or otherwise women would all have shaved heads if it were an absolute truth.

    • Zookie: She’s a product of her generation and of an abusive mother. She does have good traits and we get along fine as long as the subject of sex doesn’t come up. It’s kind of like living with my favorite sister. [And I wouldn’t criticize my sister’s appearance, either.]

      Strong Man: Commitment, mostly (you know–“For better or for worse”?).
      I can just hear that conversation now…
      “Norm, why did you leave your wife after all these years?”
      “Well, Javier, I just couldn’t get her to wear her hair long or wear makeup.”

      Anyway, what would I do if I left her? Look for a woman my age who wouldn’t want sex any more than my wife does? Or look for a younger, foxy lady who really digs old guys? Yeah, right! Realistically, I’d be living alone in some studio apartment. At least here I have company and someone to do things with [see “favorite sister” above].

      But all of this is wildly off topic. I really just chimed in on this post to emphatically tell all the ladies out there, “Don’t be like my wife!”

      • Thanks for the response–to a question I admit was absolutely personal and you didn’t need to answer at all.

        And, sad as many of your comments are, I think it is helpful for you to share your views for others to learn from. I also suspect, from having watched lots of senior couples, that yours is a fairly common situation.

    • Thanks for that. 🙂 Did you hear me thinking: OMG, does he think my hair is “waist-length” in a bad way? haha!
      I never want to be that older woman with the hair that is too long and scraggly and looks ridiculous.

  5. As a women who really does have horrible hair issues, you are not getting any sympathy from me on this one. i would give up sex to have your hair…well maybe not… actually I wouldn’t, but I am extremely envious of your gorgeous hair and would trade you in a heart beat!!!! I Now you have two things I covet. You are not helping me in my eternal quest you know!!! (The other thing is your ability for multiple O’s – in case you are wondering).

    A couple years after getting married, I got my hair cut short in spite of my husband asking me not too. He refused to look at me for weeks. He looked at the floor, or the kids, or anywhere except directly at me. He likes it shoulder length or longer and has made that fact perfectly clear. Actually it’s the only thing that he has really stated a clear preference on.

    • CM, you are very sweet to say that. I get the distinct feeling that your hair is perfectly cute, pretty and nice! We are all so much harder on ourselves and I don’t trust you when you say you have horrible hair issues hee hee.

      So does your husband like your hair now? He sounds like me after Conan got a tattoo. I didn’t talk to him for two days. But I did get over it. And since you probably look so good with your cute hair maybe he did, too?

      • Hubby has matured some in this area and will now say – “I don’t particularly like that style that much”. I actually did not like how I looked with the short hair cut either, so I keep it somewhat longer (shoulder length) now. So all is good!

        Trust me – definite hair issues especially if there is an ounce of humidity in the air!!!!

  6. I’ve worn my hair in a pixie on and off for a few years and get intensely frustrated when I’m told it’s boyish, etc. The truth is: not every woman’s hair is cut out (no pun intended) to be long and a lot of hair that men admire is entirely unhealthy. It’s over-dyed and over-straightened and could use about 5 inches of deadness cut off and the majority of men have never had hair long enough to recognize this. My hair does not grow long well. Anything past shoulder length and it’s thin and looks terrible and many women are in the same boat. I think short hair can do a lot for a woman’s features if she’s willing to go the distance. Halle Berry manages to do just fine and I hated her with long hair because it obscured her face so much.

    I love my pixie cut because it makes me feel more feminine. It brings out my eyes and lips and makes me feel cute, sassy, sexy, and unique. I’m quite slender and petite so it’s a very proportional look for my body type.(I get Tinkerbell comments a lot).

    I hated feeling like I had the same haircut as every other girl and I actually go to more lengths to do myself up a bit with it (funky headbands, flower in my hair, earrings and makeup) than when it was longer and I just threw it into a pony-tail because I didn’t want to spend the time blowdrying and straightening it.

    My husband knows that I feel strongly about my hair and even told me the other day I’ve been styling it really cute lately. I went too short once and he didn’t love it, but he’s lucky I like variety in my hair and will probably work my way into a bob again at some point.

    On this issue I am inclined to let women do what they are comfortable with and that’s a standard I allow my husband as well. If he doesn’t want to shave, I don’t love it, but his happiness is more important. I would be extremely unhappy with a hairstyle I hated if I grew it out just to please my husband and he isn’t the one who has to style and deal with it daily. I take his thoughts into consideration on many, many issues, but this isn’t one of them.

    • Hello, Lovely Lauren!
      I just went over to your blog and you do indeed have great hair. And it’s very cute on you. And you say exactly what I mean, a woman who feels good about her hair feels good about herself. You are so young that you have years and years before you have to worry about gray hair, which is what prompted me to write about it. Enjoy it while you’ve got it, girlie 🙂

      I think I might be misunderstood just a little bit about the long hair thing. I personally like my hair long. I’m not advocating that every woman must have her hair long for it to be sexy. I know most guys like longer hair, but not every woman even looks good in long hair. Some look positively ghastly. Like me in short hair. Blech. It’s more about what makes you look and feel good. And sexy!

      Thanks so much for stopping by and commenting!

  7. By the way,although I actually had chestnut hair, I found that as my hair greyed I couldn’t afford to go anywhere near red hair shades. On observation, I’m not alone in that, reds in the hair are to be avoided as we mature. The look becomes either rusty or pink. I was lucky in that I had a solid white streak at the front,but that also makes any kind of permanent, solid dye impossible,which is why I went for streaks. Blends in the grey with a bit of grace,shows less at the roots,but needs to be professionally done. Also less hard on the hair if you want to keep length. Maybe try a halfway house and go for some layers around the front? Listen to me,I’ve got way too familiar with my hairdresser over the last few years!
    But it’s a relationship that has the full approval of Mr Darling.

  8. A strength of women IMHO is being able to reinvent themselves, whether in hair or clothes or shoes or whatever. Men have a lot less range — like short hair or not-so-short hair or bald; or, when being formal, wearing a suit or a suit or a suit. A lot of different hair styles look great to a significant other who isn’t limited in their thinking; same for skin color, height, and a lot of other things. Now, women do lose out on the other end — gray hair being “old” rather than “distinguished,” or long hair being a lot of work — but maybe the creativity balances that price out a little.

    If someone tells you that you don’t look good because you really don’t look good, that’s a gift. If someone tells you it’s because you don’t look how you’ve always looked, well, that’s just rigidity or, worse, controlling. Not so good. Do your own thinking, allowing weight for an opinion or two….

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