I feel fat today. Well, I do. Don’t ask me to explain it. Don’t try to talk me out of it. It’s not rational, it’s not logical, it’s not even physically possible to be not fat yesterday and fat today. But I took one look at myself this morning and went, ewwww, ga-ros! I’m so fat. This psychological phenomenon changes the way I feel about everything. My clothes look bad on me. I can’t make my hair do what I want. Then I start nitpicking. Yuck, look at those wrinkles. Look at that nose.
As a complete aside, I’ve had a love, hate (mostly hate) relationship with my nose my entire life. My grandfather died three years ago. I was sitting in the viewing room, looking and looking at him in his coffin, when I realized with a start that I had my grandfather’s nose. I love him so much and he is, I mean was, so amazingly handsome, even as a 90-year-old man. I now love my nose. For that reason, only.
So back to the story…look at that nose. My teeth are not perfect. My smile is crooked. Look at this, look at that. My tummy, legs, butt, feet, etc. Ugh! Before 10 minutes have passed, I’ve now condemned every part of myself as ugly and gross.
Now, when I was in my 20’s and 30’s, this would have been a 100% DO NOT TOUCH day. Gross, don’t touch me, I’m fat. Stop, yuck, I’m ugly. You don’t want this. I don’t want you to see this. NO ONE is going to touch or see this, period.
Our men have to deal with this nonsense. Honey, you look fine to me. Don’t lie to me! Don’t tell me that! You have to say that because you Just Want Sex. The man can’t win. If he says, Yep, honey, you’re fat. That’s a definite no no. Then he gets, You’re so mean! I KNOW I’m fat! I’m gross! Never touch me again! If he says, honey, you’re beautiful, he gets, Stop lying to me!
Do other women have this happen to them? Or am I the only one? Oh, and it’s not PMS, in case you were wondering. I suppose that might be a good explanation if it was PMS, but it’s not. Good grief, why do things have to be so complicated??? Why can’t I just look in the mirror and see myself for how I am and like it? Why must I analyze, scrutinize and criticize myself? And why does my psychological view of myself affect my sexuality so much? I guess it makes sense, since sexuality has to do with nakedness and all flaws being seen. You can’t hide your flaws when you’re naked. Sometimes when I feel this way I dive under the covers! That’s how it’s done in the movies; sheets draped artfully here and there to hide some and show some. Why not real life, ha ha!
I don’t have the answer on how to stop this “I’m fat” feeling. All I know is I have to work through it. I have learned to work through it. Part of that came from actually, truly being fat, and now knowing the difference between being fat and feeling fat. I also decided I couldn’t allow my feelings about my body, which are completely subjective, to affect my sex life. I still want to hide myself. I still don’t want to look at myself or want anyone else, even Conan, to see me, when I feel this way. So I pretend like I feel beautiful and sexy and act as if I am and it seems to work.
Hey, I just looked in the mirror and guess what? I don’t look THAT bad. Okay, maybe I’m not FAT. Maybe I’m just pleasantly plump. My clothes still fit me. I didn’t eat too much today. And I didn’t skip my workouts so far this week. Oh, and I didn’t gain weight, either. Okay, I guess I can get naked.
In a couple days I’ll wake up and feel beautiful again. If anyone has an explanation for that bit of craziness, let me know. I know I can’t afford how much I’d have to pay a psychologist to figure it out!