Anatomy Lessons

I recently talked to a 50-year-old woman who told me she didn’t even know what a clitoris was until she was 30 years old.  As you can guess, she also didn’t orgasm up to that point, either.  I asked her if the reason she finally had an orgasm was because her next husband knew about female anatomy.  She said, no, it was an accident.  We weren’t able to get into how she learned about the clitoris, or how her current husband learned about it.

I was appalled.  How can a woman not know about her clitoris?  Well, let’s see.  Her mother didn’t tell her, it’s very likely her mother didn’t even know, herself.  She apparently didn’t discuss such things with her girlfriends, either.  She never read a Penthouse Forum or a steamy, graphically termed novel.     She didn’t read a book like “The Joy of Sex”.   She probably didn’t even read, “Are You There, God, It’s Me, Margaret” by Judy Blume, which was scandalous for mentioning  female masturbation.  Gasp!!!  And she certainly didn’t discover it by accident through self exploration, the way I’m pretty sure many women do.

Then my bestie, Ms. Canon, who has commented here a total of one, yep, ONE time ;), reminded me that I was the one who told HER what a clitoris was.  We were about 15, I think.  There’s a story to that, an inside joke that wouldn’t be funny in the slightest to anyone but us.  When she reminded me of it we laughed and laughed!  And, yep, I did have to explain to her what a clitoris was.  Even back then my favorite subject was sex!   She is very thankful to me for that, uh-huh!

My daughter told me that the clitoris was discussed in her health class, too.  It certainly wasn’t when I was in school.  That part of the female anatomy might as well have not existed, at all!  Why not?  Because it has no other function that pleasure and orgasm?  Scandalous!!!  That a woman might know how to get an orgasm, and what part of her body is required, was as taboo as anything else. “You’ll find out when you’re married” obviously is not a good way of dealing with it!

How did I know my anatomy, you ask?  Well, in all honesty, I cannot remember how I learned about the clitoris.   I do remember how I learned about the rest of the female anatomy, though.  Very simple.  I read and studied the little diagram on the instruction paper in my mom’s tampon box.  Yep.  I used to look at it all the time.

I got to thinking, does my daughter know about her anatomy?  I can’t remember telling her about it.  So one day in the car I asked her, do you know what your clitoris is?  Yes, Mom, you told me that already–awkward!!!  She says to me.  hee hee!  I love embarrassing her.   Well, you need to know these things, honey.  I tell her.  No I don’t, Mom, I’m only 13!!!

Well, she does need to know these things.  All men and women need to know these things.  Let’s make sure our kids know about their bodies and the bodies of the opposite sex.  Hiding it, being ashamed and embarrassed, hoping they’ll figure it out, those things just don’t cut it as lots of men and women have learned the hard way.

17 thoughts on “Anatomy Lessons

  1. It is unfortunate that things like that have to happen. I remember how pissed my dad was when he found out that I had the sex Ed classes at school. “you don’t need to learn that stuff until 10 min before you’re married” he said. Ridiculous, I know. Needless to say, my kids have all learned about it, how sacred it is, and how fun and amazing it can be with the one you’re married to. That cycle ends with me in my family.
    Good post z…

    • Thanks Ridge…
      It’s amazing how our parents thought that keeping us in the dark about sex was the way to protect us from making bad choices or something, huh?

      • It is just frustrating that things that deal with sex are sooooo taboo. It wouldn’t be if we were talking about money…or cars…. or any other thing that can cause issues in marriage. But, as soon as the S word comes up, well, that is completely evil to talk about.
        Nevermind me…rough day. Thanks for the reply tho. I appreciate hearing from you

  2. I found your blog yesterday. Between then and now I have read every post you have written, hahaha. Also, I saw a link from here to The LDS Marriage Bed and read almost all of his posts too. You guys are great for setting up blogs that actually address these issues and just to TALK about sex and all it’s aspects. When I was a teenager my two best friends and I would talk about it a lot, but now that I’ve moved, am married, and have two small kids it’s hard to have friends at all, let alone friends I feel comfortable talking about sex with. It’s nice to hear your points of view, and I love reading all these comments from everyone!
    I was trying to get this kind of information and insight, and…just plain chat, and I figured looking up keywords like “Christian, married, sex” I would find something good, but just kept getting results about ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’. Apparently the leading guy’s name is Christian, lol.
    But thank you so much, I have learned a lot reading your blog, and I now feel more secure in myself, my sexuality, and maybe this is TMI, but I’m just waiting for my kids to go down for a nap so I can finally get some lov’n with my husband! I swear “GO TO SLEEP!” is the most uttered phrase from any parent. 😉
    Thanks Zookie!

    • Hi Funtastic,
      I’m glad you like my blog–thank you!! I’d love to see your comments on some of my other subjects!
      And about TMI–have you READ what I’ve said here? Talk about TMI haha!
      I know what you mean about talking to people about sex. You can’t strike up a conversation with just anyone about it. I am lucky that I have long-time best friends to talk about anything with.
      It’s my favorite subject, so talk to me!

    • Sorry to be so late Funtastic. I hope by now you have found the site christiannymphos.org. It stopped publishing or taking comments about the time of you comment here, but it is archived and still accessible and voluminous. It is mostly women talking about sex with other women. It is aimed specifically at women. Don’t let the nympho part throw you off. It is explicit in place (not photographically so) but not meant to be prurient. One of the original authors now has the blog monogabliss.com. She takes comments ONLY from women.

  3. Hi, thank you so much for this blog! I found you as I ran a search for “sex for lds women”. My husband and I got in a fight last night about sex and I’m devastated. I want to please him, I want to make him feel loved, desired, and appreciated. But I just cannot get the desire for sex. I first learned about sex when I was 8, from a friend who described a porno her teenage brother had her watch. I became obsessed with the idea of sex, and when my friends told their moms and their moms complained to my mom, I was told that sex isn’t something to talk about and it dropped out of my mind. Fast forward until I was 14 and I discovered masturbation, although I didn’t really understand what I was doing, I didn’t know it was wrong, I just knew it felt dang good and I didn’t want my parents to find out. I finally opened up about it and sought help for it from my bishop when I was 17, but I constantly struggled with sex even after that. I became sexually involved with a boyfriend for the first time when I was 19 – giving oral and grinding, but no penetration until I was with a new boyfriend when I was 20. At that point I don’t know how I “lost my virginity”, because I didn’t experience the pain and blood that had been described to me. I had been with 3 more guys after that, the last one being my now husband. Here’s the problem.
    I always loved sex, I was obsessed, I craved it, I wanted it all. I was an addict. It wasn’t my boyfriends pushing me for intercourse, it was me seducing them. When we were dating, my husband wouldn’t even kiss me, it took me a couple of weeks to wear him down. We couldn’t marry in the temple because of me, but earlier this year we sealed the deal! I should be thrilled and excited. But I’m just too disappointed in myself. Ever since we got married a few years ago, sex has not been the same. It was literally an overnight thing. The moment I said I do, it’s like at the same my body changed to “I don’t”, want sex that is. I had all these expectations of getting married. I was so excited to not feel the constant guilt, I’ll be able to just let go and have all the passionate sex I wanted times 10. I couldn’t wait to be the world’s greatest wife who couldn’t have enough sex. How did I become such a prude? How did sex so suddenly feel so boring?
    I wasn’t great at sex before marriage, I only reached orgasm 3 times. But I still enjoyed and craved sex, it still felt good. But now I feel like sex is pointless unless I feel that, and I know my husband feels frustrated if he can’t finish me. It just feels like so much work and disappointment. I have discovered a trick that has helped me, but it’s a crutch I depend too much on, and is probably wrong to do anyway. The thing is, I have a short attention span and my mind wanders. A couple of years ago we were looking for a house and had been discussing an offer to make on one house, during sex the thought came in to my mind and during a particularly hot moment for my husband, without even thinking I said, “So is $$$ a good offer for that house?” TOTALLY killed the moment. I hated myself for it. So I have to think about sex, visualize it, to really get anything out of it. Due to watching porn to help with masturbation during my single days, it helps to see sex. I also find female bodies a lot more visually appealing than men’s, so I tend to visualize female with female. But I hate this. I don’t know if it’s wrong or okay, but either way I’d rather enjoy sex because I enjoy my husband, and I don’t know what to do, what to think about. I do find my husband handsome, but he’s not very physically fit, his belly presses on me during sex and it’s irritating, and I prefer him with some scruff which he can’t have because his job requires him to be clean shaven, which looks weird to me, so I try to close my eyes and visualize something else that keeps me focused on sex but not focused on his flaws. He’s a wonderful man, loving and respectful, I married him for love and not for physical attraction because I knew physical attraction only lasts so long. But now I find myself resenting him for not caring about looking good for me. His looks aren’t his fault… It’s my fault for being so shallow and selfish…
    You can delete this comment. I just wanted to ask your advice because we seem to have a very similar history. My husband is also divorced and brought a son into the relationship, he has sole legal custody and that was very difficult to handle – starting a life as a wife and mommy at the same time. Maybe that contributed to skipping the whole honeymoon stage when we got married. I just feel like I’m being punished for being so promiscuous before marriage and I don’t want my husband to be a victim of that. I’ve been working on not denying my husband, but I feel like saying yes unconditionally has hurt us more than help. I think Monday was the last time we had sex, I was feeling too tired but I didn’t want to reject him, so I rolled over and we engaged but in the end I started crying because I was depressed that sex wasn’t as fun and passionate as before we were married. I think that was more of a blow to him than if I had just said “I’m too tired.” I’m sorry I’ve said so many things I need help with… But I think what I really was wondering is if you could write a post about the mental side of sex. I just don’t know what to think about during sex, I don’t want to get distracted by my thoughts and have another awkward “Is $$$ a good offer?” and I don’t want to visualize pornography in my head anymore, either.
    Thank you so much again for this blog. It helps me so much to know I’m not the only woman who has gone through this. We’ve only been married 3 years, and both aren’t over 30, so it’s comforting to know I’m addressing this faster than so many others, so maybe I can fix this fast so we have many many enjoyable years ahead of us. Until I fix myself, all I can think, “THIS is my eternity?”

    • Hi honey,
      Wow, you’ve said a lot, here! I haven’t been as active on my blog lately as I should be so it sat in my pending file for a few days and for that I”m sorry. I need to read this a few times and really think about it before I respond. In the meantime, there are plenty of others who can relate to you or who might have some encouraging words for you.
      Hang in there, and I will respond as I can.
      love,
      zookie

      • Yeah, sorry, I didn’t mean to say so much. I wanted to send you an email but wasn’t sure if that was possible. I was so devastated from the fight and was desperate for help. Please take your time, I understand you must be very busy, and I know there’s a lot of details there. It probably doesn’t flow as well as it could either, when I’m frustrated I tend to jump back and forth between my thoughts. Thank you so much for your time, though! I really appreciate it!

    • Basimeru, I can relate to just about everything you are feeling and going through. My story has many similarities. Only I was a lot older before trying to come to terms with my sexuality. I applaud you for seeking help now while you are still young. It took me over 30+ years to figure out I was repressing my sexuality because of guilt. I believe that may be what is happening to you. As you already know that does not make for a happy marriage. Here are some of my thoughts and suggestions based on what worked for me:
      1. 1st and foremost – give yourself permission to be sexual.
      2. Find some good how to books on sensual sex and sensual massages. Concentrate on working with your husband on exploring pleasure with your bodies. Don’t concentrate on orgasms, don’t think of it as sex. Concentrate on connecting, bonding, building emotional intimacy and – very important – feeling pleasure – all over your body. There are some good techniques in Tantric sex books. There are also many good books written by Christian authors. There are also some great forums and sites – Zookie has some good ones listed. Check them out. Read – explore your thoughts. Its OK to be sexual. God wants you and your husband to have a good sexual relationship. I believe it is the glue that holds you together and can be as sweet as icing on a cake!!!
      3. Visit this site. I highly recommend her book “And they were not ashamed” Carefully read and work through it with your husband. http://www.strengtheningmarriage.com/ The author is LDS. So far this is the only LDS book I would get. Its really really good and specifically targets women. Click on her blog section and read through the posts and comments. Especially pay attention to what the men say. You will learn what is important to them and why good sex is so important in a marriage.
      4. If you are comfortable, and with your husbands permission start exploring your body through masturbation to learn how your body works – without the pressure and self-consciousness of having your husband with you. Share with him these sessions and teach him what you learn.
      5. If you can afford to do so, I would strongly encourage you to find a good sex therapists or sexologists. I sought professional help and it was extremely beneficial. I had to do a lot of work to break down the faulty thinking patterns I created in my head about sex and my sexuality in order to rebuild healthy new ones. Sex therapists are the same as regular counselors only they have additional experiences and training in sexuality. The sessions are run the same as marriage and individual counseling. I know they are expensive, but are well worth it. (Divorce is expensive too!!) Google AASECT to find a list of some in your area. Make sure they will work with and respect your religious beliefs.

      Good Luck – I think you are going to be OK. You have already taken the biggest step in
      admitting things are not good and in searching for help. Just stay the course till you are where you want to be with your husband.

      • Thank you CM!
        You answered her better than I ever could. 🙂
        I am swamped with work and other stuff, Basimeru, but I will respond to your comment just as soon as I can.

  4. Sadly, I didnt learn the word clitois until after I was married and had a couple of kids. I had already discovered “something” was there when I was a young girl and knew it felt really good to touch and rub it. I learned most of what I knew about sex (which was not much) from my Catholic girlfriends. After being married awhile, I got up the courage and ventured into the library and checked out several sex books, including “Joy of Sex”. I hate to admit this, but I felt so guilty reading them and soon after returned to burying my sexual feelings and retreating to my old good girl syndrome state of mind. So sad!!!!

    My mother never talked to me about sex or my body. This may be TMI, but… I learned about periods from reading the tampon instructions paper and from my older sisters. (I have a feeling most of my generation learned what we knew from those sheets) When I started my periods, I had brown stain on my pants, not red as I expected. This totally freeked me out and because I often masturbated (although did not even know that word then), I thought I had damaged myself. This occured for months till I figured out what it really was.

    Sorry to say, I am not sure i did much better with my own daughters. I think mothers today are so much more open on most things, and wisely so!!!

    • Wow!
      Yours is a story that can probably be repeated over and over again, and I’m sure has a lot to do with your “Good Girl Syndrome” issues. If it’s something to never be discussed it MUST be wrong! It’s not easy to overcome our childhood conditioning.

      It’s not too late to talk to your daughters about these things. Ladies, if you didn’t tell your daughters about their clitoris when they were growing up, ask them now if they know what it is!

      Oh, and about TMI–there’s no such thing here, haha!

      xo

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