Archive | September 2012

I Don’t Want To

I’ve been sharing lots of good things with all of you.  Happy things.  But life is not all sunshine and roses, is it?  Today I’m going to share some of the bad and the ugly.  The really ugly.  My ugly.  Deep breath…

Here goes.

During the worst time sexually in our marriage, I wanted almost nothing to do with sex.  I told my girlfriend that if someone told me that I’d never have sex again in my life I’d look at that person, say, “Please pass the salt,” and go on with my dinner.  Conan was a virile, healthy, testosterone filled man, and that was pretty much unacceptable to him, of course!  So when I’d done everything I could do to avoid it and he’d done everything he could do to get it, I would agree to sex.

I remember those times very well.  I’d go in the bathroom to get ready.   I’d sit there and say to myself, “I don’t want to, I don’t want to, I don’t want to.”  And then I’d tell myself, well, too bad.  You’re going to do it anyway.  This is important!  Sometimes I’d masturbate a little to get things going, and sometimes I’d go in cold and wait for things to get going.  Nine times out of ten it was good for me.  And then we’d start all over again.  Avoidance, rejection, cajoling, pressuring, asking, asking, asking, until I couldn’t take that anymore and I’d agree to sex again.

That was a very tough time for me and a very tough time for Conan, too.   Keeping Conan satisfied sexually made life easier.  For me and for him.

Fast forward to today.   Conan and I are living in the same house, sleeping in the same bed, going on with life in the same way.  Except…a couple months without sex was making Conan a very, very miserable man.  On top of the emotional breakdown of our marriage, going cold turkey celibate was too much.

So we did some negotiating.  Conan said that if we could resume our sex life, it would make it easier on him to live in this strange marriage that we’re in now.  He wanted three times a week.  I said, no, how about once a week.  We settled on two times a week.  Sigh.  I find myself in the exact same situation I was in before.  Giving Conan tons of credit, he is a good lover and he makes sure things are good for me.   But the first time I started crying right in the middle of it.  Yep, tears streaming down my face.  Conan was otherwise occupied and didn’t notice, thankfully.  (If he reads this, he’ll know, I guess.)  I managed to get my emotions in check and go on and it turned out good.  Later, though, I cried some more.  I told all this to the counselor I’ve been seeing.  She says it’s because I’m the type of person who can’t have sex without an emotional connection.   Well, I can, and I know I can.  I just don’t particularly care for it.  Emotionally.  Physically things are more than fine.

And…it’s making life bearable for Conan, and so makes life more bearable for me, too.  Just like before.

Don’t be too hard on Conan, I’m the instigator in this whole mess.   So if I can make things easier in some ways, shouldn’t I?  I think so.

Wow, I’m living in the Twilight Zone.

Can We Do That???

People find my blog all kinds of ways, but a very common way is an inquiry such as “Can my wife give me a blow job LDS” or “LDS hand job okay”  or “mutual masturbation, LDS marriage”, and so on.  (Oh-one of my favorite is “Sexy Mormon Women”.  Yep, people find my blog with that search.  Okay, okay, I’ll admit it, that’s me!  hahahaha!)

The General Authorities do NOT have a list of sex acts that are forbidden or approved floating around out there.  They’re not in the sex police business.  Sex is your private business.  It’s between the two of you, for you to decide, for you to enjoy.

Oh, what about The Letter?  Okay, I admit that is floating around on the Internet, along with any number of opinions on the subject of all manner of sexual things having to do with our religion.  I refuse to discuss The Letter, except to say that it’s not relevant, current or applicable.  Go discuss it elsewhere.  (I hate arguing and conflict.)   But what about that book I read by Bro and Sis So and So that said oral sex was wrong?  What about (very spiritual and just-about-to-be-Translated ward member) who told me that only whores and sluts do anal and you will go to hell if you do it?  You don’t have to listen to them!!!  Your sex life is your sex life.  It’s between you and your spouse.

I’m just one woman, not even an important one, with an opinion.  And my opinion is, if you want to do it…DO IT!  Oh, zookie, but what about…..Yes, do THAT, TOO!  (Oh:  Unless it has to do with animals.  Do NOT do that.  AAaahhahahahaha! )  Touch, kiss, lick, suck, pinch, spank, slap, squeeze, (I think I”ll stop there, whew!) whatever part of your spouse’s body you want or they want.  If it feels good, do it.   That’s my opinion.

“If it feels good, do it.”  That was a common phrase held up as an absolute no-no when I was growing up.   We were NOT supposed to do something just because it felt good.  In fact, if it felt good, I’m pretty sure we thought we’d go straight to hell if we did it!   Here’s the thing:  we weren’t married then.  If you are, then guess what?  You CAN do it, and you don’t even have to go see your bishop about doing it!  I think there’s some kind of residual guilt or shame in a lot of us about that. If it’s not PIV, missionary position, one and done, vanilla sex and it feels soooooo good, it might not be natural and has to be just plain wrong.  Oh, and if I feel guilty about it I’m supposed to discontinue the practice!  (News flash:  not all guilt is good, healthy or from a positive source. )

You do not need permission from your Bishop, Stake President or our General Authorities to do something in bed with your spouse.   And I”m pretty sure they aren’t going to give it to you, even if you ask.

Have I convinced you?  Good!  Now it’s your job to convince your reluctant spouse.  Good luck with that.  🙂

Things are Changing

Things are changing in my life.  When I started this blog, I was in a really good place in my marriage.  I felt like the things I was blogging about were helping me build a stronger marriage, as well as helping others do the same.  Also, as I’ve said, I really wanted to get something positive about sex and LDS people out there for people to see other than the mostly crap I’d found online.

A nice person commented that he thought Conan and I had a great relationship.  I replied that we had had lots of ups and downs in our marriage and this was a great upswing that I hoped would and expected to continue.  Unfortunately, that has not been the case.

Things started going downhill last September.   The next nine months were the tipping point for me.   It was in late May and June that things completely broke down.   I’m not going to go into any detail about our situation other than to state that things are essentially over for us.  I don’t take lightly all the years of our marriage, and I’m not making any hasty decisions, but I see no future anymore for Conan and me.    I also want to make clear that this is not due to infidelity.

Why am I telling you all this?  Well, I don’t know how to go on with my blog anymore.  I love my blog!  I love the people who come here, read and comment.  I still believe in marriage and good sex in marriage.  However, I can’t hold my own marriage up as an example anymore.  I feel slightly hypocritical.  Have more sex!  Have good sex!  It will help your marriage!  I have been saying.  And now my own marriage is basically dead.

Well, I still feel that everything I’ve said is true.  There are so many other factors that have mixed together to bring me to this place I am in now.  Plus, I’m still LDS, I’m still a woman, and I still like to talk about sex.  So I’m going to continue with my blog, I just won’t be using current examples of Conan and me to make my points.

I appreciate everyone who comes to my blog, reads and comments.  I feel that I’ve made a few friends and I’m happy about that, too!  Thanks so much!  And look for more posts from me…I’m not done blogging!