Things are Changing

Things are changing in my life.  When I started this blog, I was in a really good place in my marriage.  I felt like the things I was blogging about were helping me build a stronger marriage, as well as helping others do the same.  Also, as I’ve said, I really wanted to get something positive about sex and LDS people out there for people to see other than the mostly crap I’d found online.

A nice person commented that he thought Conan and I had a great relationship.  I replied that we had had lots of ups and downs in our marriage and this was a great upswing that I hoped would and expected to continue.  Unfortunately, that has not been the case.

Things started going downhill last September.   The next nine months were the tipping point for me.   It was in late May and June that things completely broke down.   I’m not going to go into any detail about our situation other than to state that things are essentially over for us.  I don’t take lightly all the years of our marriage, and I’m not making any hasty decisions, but I see no future anymore for Conan and me.    I also want to make clear that this is not due to infidelity.

Why am I telling you all this?  Well, I don’t know how to go on with my blog anymore.  I love my blog!  I love the people who come here, read and comment.  I still believe in marriage and good sex in marriage.  However, I can’t hold my own marriage up as an example anymore.  I feel slightly hypocritical.  Have more sex!  Have good sex!  It will help your marriage!  I have been saying.  And now my own marriage is basically dead.

Well, I still feel that everything I’ve said is true.  There are so many other factors that have mixed together to bring me to this place I am in now.  Plus, I’m still LDS, I’m still a woman, and I still like to talk about sex.  So I’m going to continue with my blog, I just won’t be using current examples of Conan and me to make my points.

I appreciate everyone who comes to my blog, reads and comments.  I feel that I’ve made a few friends and I’m happy about that, too!  Thanks so much!  And look for more posts from me…I’m not done blogging!

30 thoughts on “Things are Changing

  1. Zookie, If you have taught me and others anything its that there is an almost untapped source for good in our marriages that is contained in the intimate relationship in marriage.
    You’ve given good information on a subject that has been inadequately taught in the church.

    • Hello Zookie,

      I just found this blog a couple days ago..and have been working through your posts. I love the way you write and the things you’ve said. Your insight into the male mind is absolutely on point and very artfully expressed. I also really love how you said that as you’ve gotten older you’ve become tired of feeling so negative about your appearance and now believe and accept the compliments bestowed on you…(gosh, I hope I get to that place). Anyway, the most valuable impression that resonates throughout your blog is that there’s a lot of truth here .

      After reading so many lovely posts about you and Conan, I was actually hesitant to click on the “Things are Changing” link. I was wondering what that meant…and this is what I feared that meant…

      But then I was thinking…if what I’ve liked so much about your blog is its TRUTH and the Life Insight it contains…then really? what’s more true about life than that it changes. What’s more true than that the fact that nothing on earth is forever? For most of us, that’s the most brutal reality we ultimately have to face in one way or another. Jobs end. Marriages End. Our time here will eventually end. Its often a bitter pill to swallow.

      Please continue to blog. There’s nothing hypocritical here. And please don’t alter blog (didn’t know if you’ve felt tempted to or not). Because your past posts are certainly not voided by your present reality. The wisdom and insight you’ve shared on relationships hasn’t disappeared. The memories are still honest memories. An honest reflection of the past.

      If anything “Things Are Changing” just informs your whole theme of living, loving and growing all the more.

      It’s true what they say too…the end of one chapter is simultaneously the beginning of a new chapter. And all of the knowledge you’ve gained will guide you as you move forward. I imagine every future blog post, every future relationship will be in some way shaped by all the memories and lessons you recalled in past posts…and what you’ve learned from your past relationship.

      Still, I know starting over is rough. And endings are always sort of rotten I’ll be thinking of you.

      Brighter days are ahead though…I really have no doubt!!

  2. Ouch. I’m sorry to hear this. You implied elsewhere that something was amiss and I was waiting to hear….

    I used to get caught up in the “the marriage failed” thing which I’ve realized is a cultural misunderstanding of the marriage-for-life ideal. It’s bad because it implies anything shorter is failure. I think the forever ideal is still there, but the fact is most of us don’t make it there and it’s not all bad. Life is an ongoing challenge. A marriage may end, but it doesn’t undo the good things in the years before, the years after, or in ourselves now. I don’t doubt you’ve done the best you could and hope you heal well.

    And I’ll be selfish: please keep writing! Perhaps segue into a new blog with a slightly different name to reflect the shift? And when you’re ready into a new relationship that will knock your socks off. Literally.

  3. Sorry to hear that zookie. It must be a difficult time for you, and I feel bad for you on that. You have done a good thing with this blog, and I hope it continues. I hope that you are able to find peace in your life through this difficult time.

  4. Zookie,

    Sorry to hear the news. We are not perfect and we can’t wait until we are to talk about what we have learned.

    I still think your blog is great and I have learned from it.

    Now chin up, smile, and keep going on!

    Signed – a big Zookie fan

  5. I have been a silent reader until now, and I cannot stay silent on this. Fight for your marriage, Zookie. What God has brought together, let no man undo. I have seen marriages come back from the deadest pits of misery, even infidelity, with new life and purpose when Christ is at it’s center. Do not give up on the union that God made between you and Conan, for the love you have for God and your family.

    • Thank you, Kelli!
      Believe me, I take your words to heart. I’m just not that sure that God made the union between Conan and me. I don’t say that to be flip.
      We are still living in the same house, and will be for quite some time so…it’s not over ’til it’s over, as they say.

  6. Zookie wish I could say anything as useful as your previous commenters. I’m so sorry this has happened, and hope it can be a part of something better in your future. It’s so hard to be human. Sex is a lot, but I guess it isn’t the everything I sometimes imagine.

    Even were you to stop now, what you have done so far has been a great gift to your readers.

    Respect, sister.

  7. I’m glad you’re still blogging–your efforts here are a tremendous gift.

    A couple of questions that you’re absolutely welcome to ignore or refuse to answer:

    Did the separation have anything to do with disagreements over religion? I seem to recall it wasn’t too long ago that you went through the temple for the first time, but Conan’s not LDS–just curious.

    Also–even though your changed attitude about sex may not actually save your marriage–do you still believe it helped? Did it make some things better outside the bedroom?

    • Thank you, Strong Man, I appreciate that.

      Answer to question 1: That played a part, yes.
      Question 2: Yes, it absolutely did help. A LOT. And thank you for the question, because that helps me feel a little less of a hypocrite.

  8. Zookie —
    I know what I’m about to say is contrary to mainstream LDS thought, but I’m going to say it anyway (as usual)…

    I felt that it was important to keep my marriage together and I put up with a lot of negative stuff in order to do that. Now that I’m of an age where it’s pretty much too late to start over with someone else, I can see that I made a mistake in staying with it. I wish that I had gotten out 20 years ago when I realized where things were going. If I had, I might now be looking forward to spending eternity with someone I’m crazy about, but that is not the case. It’s been a real endurance test to get this far. Divorce may be unpleasant, but could it possibly be as unpleasant as spending eternity “enduring” each other?

  9. Zookie,
    Sorry that I am late on this… I’ve been out of town. I just wanted to let you know that you are awesome. We have enjoyed you sharing your life with us, and especially championing some of these topics that are not often breached by the LDS mainstream. We are here for you. Let us know what we might be able to do, to give you strength and support, during this bump in the road.

    You will be in my prayers dear Sister!

  10. Zookie, Your wit, honesty and excellent writing style has been a breath of fresh air for many of us. You are right there with Laura Brotherson in writing useful, interesting and important information about sexual relationships in the LDS context, and I particularly appreciate your personal touch. We have all been wondering what happened, and hoping you would come back. This is tough, but I believe you will have yet further insights to share from this different perspective. Don’t give up on us, cause we haven’t given up on you!

  11. Wow – I miss visiting your blog for a couple of days and look what happens. You just can’t stay out of trouble without me, can you?? lol

    Seriously – I am sorry you are going through all this. I know these kind of decisions are not easy and have much anguish and deliberation behind them. And you’re right – its not over till its over. But when its over – it’s over and time to move forward. I am so glad that you will still be blogging. My prayers are with you and your family. Hugs!!!

  12. Hang in there, Zookie. You know you have a large support network with us and with many others. Life is not easy and i admire your courageous efforts.

  13. Thanks for sharing this part of your life on your blog. If you have fought the good fight, and feel good about your decisions, then move on. Each marriage is as unique as the individuals in it. The only encouragement I can give to someone like Norm is that Brigham Young said spouses who are jerks in this life may not be jerks in the next. I think we’ll have plenty of time in the Spirit World to accept/reject covenants, and I hardly think someone worthy of the Celestial Kingdom would be someone with whom we wouldn’t want to spend eternity.

    • I’ve heard such a quote from BY referenced, but I’d like to see the exact quote; never been able to find it myself.
      Quoting from the Gospel Essentials manual, chapter 35, “Life After Death”:
      “We will think the same way and believe the same things as we did here. Those who are righteous in this life will still be righteous. Those who were unrighteous will still be unrighteous. We will have the same desires after we die as we had while on this earth.”

  14. Hello OH,
    I just sat in on a BYU Education Week class on the Spirit World by Brent Topp and he related a 2nd hand story that basically said the same thing. He said he had no reference for it. Do you have a citation for this? I’d love to see it. When I’ve done family history I get a sense that these people on the other side of the veil see relationships much differently than they did in this life.
    Also I get the feeling that “how could I spend eternity with a jerk” is a myopic view of relationships and eternity, colored by the horror that can be this life.

  15. I’m so sorry to hear about your marriage. Mine fell apart last year (because of her infidelity and other issues). Anyways, things are very hard when your marriage ends and even more so for those of us who enjoy intimacy. I actually found your site as I’m preparing to move on and wanted to know if there were women in the church who feel intimacy is essential in a marriage. Your marriage falling apart is the hardest thing in the world but you can make it through it. See a counselor, lean on your friends, embrace work, or anything else that makes you happy. You need to find something that brings you happiness and cling to it, that’s how I made it through.

    As for you having sex while crying, that sounds absolutely dreadful. I don’t think I could do that with anyone, it would bother me too much. If that’s how you feel while you are being intimate, you probably shouldn’t do it and if you are actually ending your marriage it would make the most sense to end the physical relationship too. I hope you can work it out and that this is a bump in the road but am very sorry if it is the end for you. I have cried and felt depressed for over a year so I know the pain and it’s awful but you can make it through.

  16. Convert: Yes, there are LDS women who feel intimacy is essential. I’m amazed, though, even after being married 15 years, how truly clueless my wife is about HOW important this is. I don’t think we men need to expect them to ever understand–we just need to be very clear with them how and why it’s important and have a woman that is willing to “give herself” willingly.

    I’ve had sex without resolving marriage tensions before–even when I felt totally disgusted and frustrated with her–just because I needed and wanted the physical release. It was still okay–and worked wonders in helping at least reduce the irritation with the other person, even if it didn’t actually resolve the issue. So, I wouldn’t necessarily agree you have to stop all sex when you’re fighting.

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