I Don’t Want To

I’ve been sharing lots of good things with all of you.  Happy things.  But life is not all sunshine and roses, is it?  Today I’m going to share some of the bad and the ugly.  The really ugly.  My ugly.  Deep breath…

Here goes.

During the worst time sexually in our marriage, I wanted almost nothing to do with sex.  I told my girlfriend that if someone told me that I’d never have sex again in my life I’d look at that person, say, “Please pass the salt,” and go on with my dinner.  Conan was a virile, healthy, testosterone filled man, and that was pretty much unacceptable to him, of course!  So when I’d done everything I could do to avoid it and he’d done everything he could do to get it, I would agree to sex.

I remember those times very well.  I’d go in the bathroom to get ready.   I’d sit there and say to myself, “I don’t want to, I don’t want to, I don’t want to.”  And then I’d tell myself, well, too bad.  You’re going to do it anyway.  This is important!  Sometimes I’d masturbate a little to get things going, and sometimes I’d go in cold and wait for things to get going.  Nine times out of ten it was good for me.  And then we’d start all over again.  Avoidance, rejection, cajoling, pressuring, asking, asking, asking, until I couldn’t take that anymore and I’d agree to sex again.

That was a very tough time for me and a very tough time for Conan, too.   Keeping Conan satisfied sexually made life easier.  For me and for him.

Fast forward to today.   Conan and I are living in the same house, sleeping in the same bed, going on with life in the same way.  Except…a couple months without sex was making Conan a very, very miserable man.  On top of the emotional breakdown of our marriage, going cold turkey celibate was too much.

So we did some negotiating.  Conan said that if we could resume our sex life, it would make it easier on him to live in this strange marriage that we’re in now.  He wanted three times a week.  I said, no, how about once a week.  We settled on two times a week.  Sigh.  I find myself in the exact same situation I was in before.  Giving Conan tons of credit, he is a good lover and he makes sure things are good for me.   But the first time I started crying right in the middle of it.  Yep, tears streaming down my face.  Conan was otherwise occupied and didn’t notice, thankfully.  (If he reads this, he’ll know, I guess.)  I managed to get my emotions in check and go on and it turned out good.  Later, though, I cried some more.  I told all this to the counselor I’ve been seeing.  She says it’s because I’m the type of person who can’t have sex without an emotional connection.   Well, I can, and I know I can.  I just don’t particularly care for it.  Emotionally.  Physically things are more than fine.

And…it’s making life bearable for Conan, and so makes life more bearable for me, too.  Just like before.

Don’t be too hard on Conan, I’m the instigator in this whole mess.   So if I can make things easier in some ways, shouldn’t I?  I think so.

Wow, I’m living in the Twilight Zone.

11 thoughts on “I Don’t Want To

  1. Oh Zookie, this must be so hard, but at least you’re keeping things in working order and easing tension in your home. I’m hoping for you both you will be able to move things forward into soem kind of resolution soon. The in-between time is the worst I think because neither of you can move on.

  2. I think I can relate (odd for a man, I know). In times gone by there have been stretches where my wife has been too sick, or too preoccupied, or too emotionally drained or whatever to be interested in sex. At times she would offer to let me use her body so I could start seeing straight again. It should have helped, but it didn’t. Not having her engaged in the activity left the whole experience so empty and hollow that even though I could start seeing straight again, my mind was terribly vexed and pained for days after.. I don’t ask anymore, nor accept when offered. For me, no sex at all is better than empty sex. Once sex satisfies both an emotional and physical need, having only one no longer fits the bill.

  3. I agree with “Rhett” but take a harder line: sex that makes the other person cry is assault. It’s not “negotiating” where you’re deciding just how many favors to do for him and you’re getting nothing in return except some relief from harassment. Men say lots of things to wear down women, but they can endure chastity. A good man would never be happy with extorting sex.

  4. This post made me feel incredibly sad – sad for you, for Conan, for all the many many couples in similar circumstances, for all the lost years when my my marrital sexual intimacy followed this same pattern. I feel so much pain and hurt in your writing, but I am also guessing Conan is experiencing his own pain and hurt. Why are marriages and relationships so hard sometimes and the breakdown of marriages even harder????

    I so appreciate your honesty here. I think there are so many who can relate to this!

    Hugs!!!

  5. I would *almost* say that Conan is lucky; he gets actual sex twice a week! I get a hand-job every Friday night. And that’s only because my wife believes that if a married couple doesn’t have some kind of sex they’re just roommates, and she doesn’t want to be a roommate. So this isn’t even “duty sex”, it’s “status sex”: got to maintain the “not just roommates” status.

    But Conan is NOT lucky because even though he’s having actual sex twice a week, he’s having sex with a woman who doesn’t want sex, doesn’t look forward to it, and can’t really enjoy it. What guy would really want to have sex with a woman who doesn’t want to, and what guy would enjoy having sex with a woman who doesn’t enjoy it? No me, that’s for darn sure.

    I’m thinking of asking if we can cut it down to maybe just the first Friday night of the month. But I really don’t want another “discussion” that will go on for days, not ending until I admit that her feelings are valid and mine are not…

    Bottom line: I believe that when one partner is not sexually attracted to the other they shouldn’t stay together, because it sentences one of them to a life with someone who doesn’t “want” them.

  6. I may get blasted from some for saying this, but Zookie, you say that physically you enjoy the sex, so I say for you to mentally tell yourself that you are going to give yourself a reward and enjoy the physically pleasure that can come from sex. Tell yourself that you deserve it, look forward to it and see if you can’t make it a good time for YOU. As long as you are married and sleeping in the same bed, I say go for it… for YOU. Don’t look at it as giving into Conan’s needs, look at it as giving yourself a gift. Of course, if emotionally you just can’t take it, then don’t. But, if you know that once you get started then you will enjoy it, I say go for it for YOU, not for Conan.

    • I agree. This was my first thought. If you’re going to stay married, and live in the same bedroom, then get your needs met too!

  7. Zookie – I was thinking about what you said, that you could have sex with someone you were not emotionally connected too. I think I could too. But I don’t think it is possible to be in a marriage as long as you have and not have an emotional connection. Since you want to end this marriage – I am guessing you may have a very negative emotional connection with Conan at the moment.. To me that would be way different than having no emotional connection. I could have sex with no emotional connection, but could not with a negative emotional connection. Just a thought!

  8. Thank you to everyone who commented on this post. I usually try to reply personally to every comment, but this time I just couldn’t. I probably shouldn’t have posted this…my feelings are very raw and ever since I did I’ve been avoiding my blog. *Sigh*
    Anyway, I’m going to get another post up here soon so that I don’t have to keep looking at this one haha!
    Again, thank you all for your words, advice and concern.
    love,
    z

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