Was it Good for You?

One thing I think we all want is to know that our partner enjoyed themselves during sex.  And the obvious proof of enjoyment is the orgasm.  I THINK that for guys, even mediocre sex ends with an orgasm, even if not a whole lot else happens.  So we women think, oh, good, he got his orgasm, he’s happy, he enjoyed it.

For women, mediocre sex usually does NOT end with an orgasm, or begin with one, or have one in the middle, for that matter!   But your husband wants to know you’re enjoying it.  Probably hopes very much that you enjoy it.  But you’re just not into it tonight for whatever reason.  So…what can it hurt, it’ll make him happy…you fake it.

I went to my Bunco BFFs, of course, with this question:  Do you ever fake it and do you think faking it is okay?  The answer surprised me just a bit.  Every one of them said, they thought faking it was okay sometimes!  That it really doesn’t matter.  That it helps things along sometimes, and what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him, etc.   Then half went on to say, yes, they faked it occasionally, and the other half said, no, they never faked it.

But what about your husbands?  I asked them.  What would they think if they knew?  The consensus was:  Oh, well, he might not like it, but what’s a girl to do?  He won’t be satisfied until I have an orgasm.  What if I’m tired, not into it, etc.

My opinion is this:  If you’re not going to O for whatever reason, enjoy the touching, the holding, the kissing, but NEVER fake it.  In the long run, you’re not doing yourself any favors.  Why not, you ask?  Because if he thinks what he’s doing is getting you to orgasm he will probably do it again.   And it’s not going to work next time, either!  How’s the poor man supposed to learn your body?   How’s he supposed to know what works?  And…you may think you’re just stoking his ego.  Well, if he ever finds out it will totally deflate his ego, not boost it!

What do you think, guys?   If your wife is just trying to make you feel all manly and studly, would you be okay later knowing she had faked it?  Worse, would you be okay with it if you knew she faked it just to get it over with?   Somehow I think the answer is going to be mostly “No, I would NOT be okay with that.  No way.”

So ladies, just don’t fake it.  And, guys, here’s my one bit of advice for you.  If you don’t want your wife to fake it, don’t pressure her to have an orgasm.  (This is assuming that your wife does orgasm most of the time, of course.)   I guess what I mean by that is, don’t make it the end of the world if she says, honey, it just isn’t going to happen tonight.   Let it be okay.

Oh–one more thing.  I recently read that MEN fake orgasms, too.  Really??  How?  Um, what about…the semen?  Okay, guys,  will you please explain how it’s possible and why a man would do it?  I’m clueless.

35 thoughts on “Was it Good for You?

  1. For me my wife has never had an orgasm. We and herself are working on that. With that being said there are major differences between enjoying it and just not being interested. When you that not interested for myself I almost feel like a Pig. The type that takes advantage of women. If my wife is just laying there non interested, I know this is a harsh thought but If I knew what date rape is like I would think it would feel something like that. I would perfer not to have sex if my wife is not really into it that night. Women if your not going to orgasm atleast enjoybthe closesness and the sence of being together.
    As for men faking orgams, yes, most of the time it happens after we have been on top and the. She climbs ontop. If she is going a long time and is getting tired I myself sence that she is getting frustrated that I have not peaked yet. Then I fake and the she relaxes. Most of the time I roll over and she cuddles my back so she cant feel my erection still being there.
    Were not pros but she really is working to figure out her body and we are going to get there. Thanks for your thoughts.

  2. I totally agree. I’m a man and I’m going to issue a prototypical ‘man statement: “any sex is good sex for me.” But the only times that I feel that I have had great sex with my wife is when I know that she has felt great too, hopefully that means that we’ve both experienced orgasm or maybe only her. About six or seven months ago we decided to take our not wonderful-not awful sex life and really work it into something we could be proud of. I discovered that my wife didn’t think that she had ever actually experienced an orgasm after two and a half years of marriage. That was not only a shock, but devastating for me. I had thought that although they may have been rare that we had both had orgasms on occasion. It made me rethink everything that I thought I knew about her sexual process. It’s a slow road but we’re making some significant progress. Progress can really only happen when both husband and wife are aware of the problem. Even if they don’t have a solution ready to mind (or hand), just knowing that what they’ve done isn’t doing it can lead you both to seek help through research, experimentation, tools, or marital counselling.

    Actually, I’ve been thinking about it for the past few weeks and even though out relationship and sex life are really great right now I think that going in to see a sex or relationship therapist would be a great gift to ourselves. I recently found the page for an LDS Sexologist (unfortunately in another state) and their site had one of the best quotes that I’ve ever found for why to attend relationship or sex counselling with your spouse even if you already have a satisfactory sexual relationship or marital relationship “Therapy is designed to dig up the past to decipher problems, We start here and now to ‘rock’ your sex life.” hopefully once we have a job in one location my wife and I can find someone like this near where we live and start rocking our sex life from here on. If we had never decided to make our sex life a high priority; if my wife hadn’t been open enough to tell me she didn’t think that she had ever had an orgasm; if things had continued as they were we may never have begun experimenting or looking for solutions. That would be a sad, mediocre future.

    So I completely agree with your post. Thank you.

  3. This man agrees that sex is better if I know my wife is enjoying the experience. Orgasm is great, but there’s no need to fake it. If a woman doesn’t want/need an orgasm,there are lots of things she can do to help her man know she’s enjoying it: (basically, don’t lay there still and silent like a cadaver.) Her movements, kisses, and especially moans, groans, and other sounds can communicate exactly how much enjoyment (or lack thereof) she’s feeling.

  4. When I was much younger, I always thought that any sex was good sex and that there was no such thing as bad sex. But as I’ve gotten older I’ve learned that pity sex, duty sex, obligation sex are NOT good sex. Because I have found that I now have no desire to have sex with a woman who doesn’t desire it, and I don’t enjoy having sex with a woman who doesn’t enjoy it. Because of those things, I never insist that my wife have sex when she doesn’t feel like it. And since menopause, that’s most of the time 😦

  5. As far as the question of if I would like my wife to fake it – NO. If I found out she had – it would hurt a bit, but I would tell her I don’t want her to do it anymore.

    As far as guys faking it, I can say for all guys – but I have done it a few times when something just wasn’t feeling right and I could tell I could go for quite a long time and it just wansn’t goint to happen. If I just stopped she would start insisting that we go on. I tend to think that eventually I might orgasm, but it is probably going to be a near zero pleasure orgasm. And if someone is asking, “why didn’t you keep going for her pleasure?”, my wife finds intercourse uncomfortable to a bit painful so I know she wouldn’t want me to keep at it.

    I don’t get the question about “what about the semen?” If it happens during intercourse, can a woman actually feel the semen? I assumed not.

    Z – good to have a post from you again. Sure hope things are going as well as possible for you.

    And on the subject of the topic you used – I stopped asking how it was when I asked one time, “how was it? What can I do to make it better for you?” and she answered, “I don’t know – whatever!”

    • Thanks, Happy Hubby 🙂 Good to hear from you, too. 🙂

      Huh, I’ve never really thought about a man not being able to get there. I guess it must happen just like it does for women!

      And “what about the semen?” Well, yes, a woman can feel it. If not inside, at least when it runs back out…you know, the wet spot. That lack of physical evidence would give it away to me.

  6. Faking is lying. The devil is the father of all lies. So don’t do it.

    I agree with your post.

    It much more fun when she obviously enjoys it.

    I disagree a bit with norm, though. I’ve learned to make an effort to last ping enough and make sure she has a chance. But then not to worry about it if she doesn’t come. I do more of just going for what I like and figure her orgasm is her responsibility. If she wants it I’m willing, but if not, that’s fine.

    Oddly, stressing less about her pleasure and just showing her how much I want her I think has actually led to more attraction. She likes that I want her and that I’m happy.

    I’m fine if she doesn’t orgasm on occassion. But faking would be very harmful and counterproductive because then I would think what I did worked and I’d do it again.

    I couldn’t fake the semen so I’ve never faked. The lie would be obvious. I have rarely struggled to come, but it does happen. It’s still enjoyable though and I try not to stress about it.

  7. Ok – I am going to be totally honest here. And I would love some input. While I have never faked orgasm, I often fake pleasure. Here’s the thing – over the years the pleasurable feeling in my vagina has diminished to the point of having very little feeling in my vagina during intercourse most of the time. Its there sometimes, but rarely. But I love having intercourse and I love the closeness it gives and I love feeling my husbands pleasure. Now – my husband is aware of this fact – at least we have discussed it before – but who knows if it really sunk in. But it really seems to turn him on and ramp up the excitement level for him if I act like there is a lot of pleasure there. So I fake it. And I get most of my pleasure after he is done – cause then he turns his attention to me and does things that do bring pleasure and almost always orgasm.

    So tell me – is it wrong to fake pleasure when its not there – if faking it intensifies the spouses pleasure? And men – given that he is aware of the fact – why does faking it work so well then?

    As far as faking it for men – have you ever had a dry orgasm? My husband says he does occasionally – now I am wondering if he is faking it???

    • I’m not sure how you define a “dry orgasm”, but I have orgasmed without ejaculation. I even hesitate to use the word orgasm or climax as it is very unsatisfactory. There is no real feeling of physical pulsing or release with it. When it does happen, I experience a little Cowper’s gland secrection (commonly called precum) still, but the tension only builds to a point and then there is a weak feeling of orgasm that only last about a second. It is nothing to look forward to. Once it happens, you are pretty much doomed to wait out the refractory period before trying again.

  8. CM–Maybe your not faking your pleasure completely because even if you don’t have the physical pleasure you once had, you do really enjoy having him feel good. So you can still be excited about how fun it is to use your magical powers to help him to feel good–and that is pleasurable in itself?

    So, if it’s fun for you to see him enjoying himself, it’s not accurate to say you have no pleasure at all–it’s just a different kind that he feels. I wouldn’t generally call that “faking.”

    I think we should be honest with ourselves and our partners, though, about both orgasm and pleasure–whether that is personal physical stimulation or the joy of helping someone else feel happy. .

    I’ve heard of dry orgasm, but have never personally experienced it. Don’t know if it’s possible or not. There are training things that claim to teach men to be multi-orgasmic that say you can have orgasm without ejaculating, but I’ve never put in the effort required to find out if it really works.

    • If it is like the dry orgasms I have experienced, you don’t want to put the effort in. There may be a learning curve that goes with to being multi-orgasmic without ejuaculating, but I don’t think I am all that interested unless it is like being a multi-orgasmic woman.

  9. Here’s a non-sexual example: I take my kids to activities all the time that I don’t personally enjoy–say kiddie rides at an amusement park. But the joy I feel in watching them squeal with delight and have a blast brings me pleasure, and I’m happy to do it again. I’m not faking–it really is fun for me–just in a different way than it would be if I went skydiving or mountain climbing.

    Apologies for the crass analogy, but maybe it helps.

  10. Thanks Strongman – that makes sense to me. 🙂 I think it’s kind of like a man doing oral on a woman – right? No real pleasure per say, but many men find it pleasurable – kind of a form of compersion. And the same with oral on a man.

    You know – as I think on this more – this understanding of compersion feelings is what is missing in many spouses with HD/LD issues. I know I didn’t have any compersion feelings in our desert days. It’s funny how it works, even though I am more the HD one in our marraige now, there are many times that I start things up – just because I want to feel close to him, and give him some pleasure, not because I want any. But usually while pleasuring him – I get turned on and then want mine when he is done. I remember Dr. Laura saying one time that women should just go along with their husbands when the man initiated sex, even if she wasn’t in the mood – and if they did with a good attitude, they would fine they would actually get turned on themselves. (well – she said something like that I think) I didn’t buy into it at the time – but it sure works for me now, even if I am the one initiating it when not really feeling sexual at the moment.

    So apparently, what the world needs now – is not love – its compersion!!! At least in marriages.

    • “Compersion is an empathetic state of happiness and joy experienced when another individual experiences happiness and joy. It is sometimes identified with parents’ pride in their children’s accomplishments or one’s own excitement for friends’ and others’ successes” Compersion is most commonly used these days in the polyamourous world when talking abou not being jealous but feeling joy about seeing your partner with someone else because the feel joy. Not going down that road at all!!!! I am using the above definition – Feeling joy and happiness (and pleasure) because your spouse is feeling it.

      So to answer your question – I meant compersion. But you are right – compassion is lacking too.

      • CM,

        It’s interesting you brought up the polyamourous example to talk about compersion. I say that because its something that scares me to think about, I know without a doubt I would love to see my wife being pleased by someone else. I know it will never happen because I don’t want to open that can of worms and my wife would probably never go for it anyways.

        This whole topic about getting pleasure from your significant other getting pleasure has been interesting to think about.

  11. CM, your comment about a man doing oral on his wife, and not really getting any real pleasure out of it… this is not the case for me, it is a huge turn on for me, to be able to do oral on my wife. Mainly because I am able to experience the level of pleasure that it gives to her. My wife is not very expressive during sex – very little moaning, no verbal feedback, and she doesn’t do a lot in order to bring about her own orgasm. But, when I perform oral on her, specifically when I go slow and take a long time to start paying attention to her sweet spot, she will usually start moving the hips so that her sweet spot finds my tongue (hopefully not TMI).
    Now, if she was passionate and gave me a lot of verbal feedback during other forms of foreplay and during intercourse, then my feelings for oral sex might be different. But, since this is the one activity that brings out the physical responses from her, where I can see her pleasure, it has become very erotic for me.

    As far as a dry orgasm… the only experiences that I have had in this area are when I was trying to slow things down, so that i didn’t orgasm so soon, but was a little too late. If I had stopped a few seconds earlier then there would have been no orgasm, or if I had kept going a few seconds more then I would have had a full blown orgasm. But, there have been a few times that I missed the timing and I had what I would call a dry orgasm, or maybe a very small amount of semen. The experience was enough like a real orgasm, such that it took away my ability to keep going and to have the big O.

    I guess I would rather that my wife not ever fake it. I have asked her before about this and I think that she said that she may have faked it just a few times in the past. It didn’t really bother me.
    But, if she is going to fake it, I would just as soon she put on a good show while doing it! 🙂

    And Zookie! Thanks for the post! It is good to hear from you again.

  12. I have heard it said elsewhere that when it comes to sex there are only two types of women:
    1. Those who have no interest in sex.
    2. Those who pretend that they do.

    Given a choice, I’d rather have sex with a convincing Type 2 than with a Type 1.

    • Norm,
      There’s type 3, too.
      Those who love it and don’t have a husband who knows what to do.
      I believe society makes us believe that husbands are the ones who will initiate intimacy and they are the ones who know how things work.
      I was married to someone who didn’t know how to pleasure a woman, didn’t understand that he was the problem and lived in denial the whole marriage.
      Fortunately, I got remarried and found out what real pleasure is. And my husband now says this is the most amazing feeling ever!

  13. If both partners come (no pun intended 😉 to intimacy in a spirit of selfless service and in a spirit of real into-me-see, then the question of “faking it” becomes a moot point. Husband and wife should aspire to be full partners, seeking to be “at one” with each other – focused on blessing each other and thus creating a bond, both physical and spiritual, that is more powerful than death.

  14. Sex with your spouse is a journey. Sometimes it is good and sometimes it is not. Sometimes it is your fault and sometimes it is theirs. It takes two to tango, you know. If your wife is having trouble with orgasm then look into finding her G spot. My wife’s pleasure increased substantially when we/she became aware of where it was and conditioned it to respond. The clitoris is also very adapt at providing her a pleasurable experience. Be sure to use lube for this one. The combination of stimulating BOTH areas has really been well rewarded.

  15. RMRM. Just curious how long you’ve actually been married?

    Your comment expresses the same old mainstream ideas, and what I’ve always been taught and what I always thought: “come (no pun intended) to intimacy in a spirit of selfless service. . .”

    Maybe if you were raised on Mars, with none of the “nice-guy” programming of our western society, more of this advice might be helpful.

    But, for me, in the U.S. in the 2000s, I’ve found after 15 years of marriage, that for a normal, healthy man, like me, who has 90% or more of the total testosterone in the relationship, I’ve learned that thinking all the time about a spirit of “selfless service” has meant a very unsatisfying sex life with not near enough intimacy for either of us.

    When I’m more clear about my own needs, or frankly, less “selfless,” or in context of the post above, worrying less about the idea “Was it good for you?”, has dramatically increased my intimacy and improved the romance with my wife.

    Oddly, somehow just doing more of what I like and not worrying as much about whether or not she likes it, has been much more of a turn-on for my wife than the bland alternative.

    • Care to elaborate more Strongman? I assume you are not telling men to be totally selfish lovers – are you?

      I don’t think this is what you are referring to by your comment, but your comment brought this experience to back to my mind,

      Awhile back my hubby and I went to sex therapy for several months to deal with some issues we were facing. One of the things the sex therapist said early on in our first sessions was that “if you think about it, sex and having orgasms is a very self focused activity. In order for a person to get aroused and reach an orgasm, he or she has to have a level of being self focused. And upon reaching orgasm a person is usually caught up in what they are feeling at the moment abd not on their partner.” This statement struck me as it was so contrary to my way of thinking. I had really bought into the “selfless” concept.

      Once I allowed myself to think differently and to be more self focused and responsible for my orgasms and let hubby br responsible for his, which included touching myself and telling hubby where and how to touch me, our sex life improved dramatically. I learned from this therapist that being selfless can be as unhealthy for a good sexual relationship as being selfish. There is a happy medium of being self focused AND being focused on our partner. Once I accepted what the therapist was tring to teach me, i quickly learned that when my husband takes more responsibility for his orgasms, doing what feels good to him, it actually frees me up to focus more on what feels good to me and ends up making the whole experience more pleasurable to both of us.

  16. Personally, I don’t think faking it does anyone any favors. I have experienced times where taking the time, being patient, and helping her to a conclusion takes so long that it becomes exhausting and frustrating for both. I have experienced times where when nothing was working that mounting her and concluding took the pressure off and she could relax and conclude herself. There have been times when getting her over the ridge took so much that I had nothing left for myself and gave up. But knowing which time is which is very frustrating. I truly think that times like these beg for open communication. If my going first helps her to relax, then she should ask for it. If waiting is better, then let me know. If things simply aren’t going to pop, then tell me so, so I don’t wear blisters and build resentment. The worst thing is to lie there silently while a bad situation gets worse. Only slightly better is to deceive by faking it. Remember gals: discerning what’s going on in your partner’s head is something we really suck at. But you should know this by now!

    • Hello HopAlong! Well, you ALMOST made the point that my girlfriends were trying to make. It gets exhausting and frustrating so they just fake it. And then you made MY point, which is that it might seem like a good thing but ends up not being good for the relationship.

      But for all this honesty to work, we all have to work on not getting our feelings hurt over it. You say go ahead, tell me it’s not working. That can hurt a guy’s manhood, from what I’ve heard. And in bed, hurting a guy’s manhood can have dire consequences!

      That’s why I say to guys, don’t take it so personally if it doesn’t happen once in a while. (I did say “once in a while”!)
      But ladies, if you feel the need to fake it every time or most times, something is seriously wrong and you may need a sexologist or something 🙂

  17. Zookie, wherefore art thou fair maiden??
    It’s this close to Valentine’s Day & we need to hear from you……Hope all is well with you these days.

    • Thank you Chet and DM. I don’t want to be a downer but things are not exactly wonderful for me right now. I have some things I’m trying to work through. I appreciate you coming to my blog and asking about me. Thank you!

  18. Faking it is bad for exactly the reasons stated in the post. Each spouse has to teach the other how to be their lover. It is FAR more important to me that I put a real big smile on my wife’s face than anything else, and while I love giving her orgasms, I know that she can really enjoy sex even when it doesn’t end like that for her. As long as she is glad she took the time to be with me.

    As for guys faking, I guess you can do that if you are using condoms, but it seems silly to do it, as well as wrong for the same reasons. There have been times I couldn’t get there now that I’m a bit over the hill. It is a let down when that happens, but it is so much easier to take when my wife has still been pleased and is very gracious about it. My wife usually tells me to come back to her as soon as I’m ready to go again and she’ll be there for me.

    • Give your wife and kiss and big thank you for me. What a great attitude about marital service. For most of us men the sexual frequency anxiety isn’t only about how MANY times this week, but will it happen THIS week at all? I know a lot of people say scheduling sex is unromantic, but, as an analogy, knowing I AM going to eat sometime today keeps me from stressing about being hungry and having nothing to eat at all. Knowing something WILL happen and WHEN it will likely happen is a great stress reliever and a great anticipation builder. Don’t dismiss scheduling sex as a non-item. Even being as broad about it as to the day or part-of-day can be a satisfactory answer between a couple.

  19. Whenever She (my wife) wants an orgasm she gets it! Sometimes she doesn’t want it, but agrees to a “quickie” where she just lays there and let’s me cum. But, honestly, it’s so much more stimulating when she’s excited (and I cum faster), so what we’ve worked out is an agreement where she “fakes it” … but I know that she’s faking it, and she’s doing it just to make it more stimulating for me! I don’t really think that me thrusting in and out is really doing it for her, but it tricks my brain into being more aroused, and cumming quicker (and that’s why it’s called a “quickie”). So, she’ll moan and shout “Oh yeah, right there!” “F*^k me harder!” “Yeah, that feels so good!” and other things like that, but we both know that what she is doing is just stimulating me to orgasm quicker (and to enhance my enjoyment of the act of marriage).
    But then when we’re NOT doing a quickie, and I’m fingering her clit, then she doesn’t fake it, because then if she did then (as you said) it would be re-enforcing in me (the husband) that I’m doing things that don’t really get her the big O!

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