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Purity

I found myself falling into some old conditioning the other day.   There is a lovely young woman ( early 30’s) in my ward who is so sweet, so pure, so righteous, so spiritual, so talented, so pretty, so…everything…and the thought came to me that she seems soooooo good that she must not be sexual.  WHOA!  Where’d that come from?!?

I had to remind myself that being sexual is not sinful.  And it doesn’t disqualify anyone from being all the things she is–pure, sweet, righteous, spiritual, etc.

That bears repeating:  We are not sinning when we are sexual.    We are following a big part of God’s plan for happiness in marriage when we are sexual.  We are sexual beings.  We were created that way–not to torment us and make us feel bad, but to give us great pleasure and make us feel good and help our marriage!

Some people agree with me in theory.  Meaning, “oh, yes, it is right for me to have sex and have a family.”  But that’s not the same as enjoying and loving and having frequent sex. As in, “It’s probably not right for me to enjoy it.  I mean, I kind of feel guilty when I enjoy it and don’t they say that if you feel guilty about it you should discontinue it?”

News flash:  Not all guilt is productive or good or warranted.  Some is plain and simple conditioning.  Inaccurate, uninformed, passed down from generation to generation, wrong.

So while I don’t know if she’s embraced her sexuality and she and her husband have a rockin’ sex life (and I”m not about to ask, either, haha!), I do know that her sweetness and purity doesn’t automatically mean she’s turned off that part of herself.

It’s not either or.  We can and should embrace the sexual part of ourselves, just like we embrace the mother in us, the crafter or homemaker in us (if it’s in us…I didn’t get any crafter genes AT ALL.), the friend in us.  We can be many things and still be righteous, virtuous women.

Let’s all remember that when that old conditioning kicks in, shall we?

Can We Do That???

People find my blog all kinds of ways, but a very common way is an inquiry such as “Can my wife give me a blow job LDS” or “LDS hand job okay”  or “mutual masturbation, LDS marriage”, and so on.  (Oh-one of my favorite is “Sexy Mormon Women”.  Yep, people find my blog with that search.  Okay, okay, I’ll admit it, that’s me!  hahahaha!)

The General Authorities do NOT have a list of sex acts that are forbidden or approved floating around out there.  They’re not in the sex police business.  Sex is your private business.  It’s between the two of you, for you to decide, for you to enjoy.

Oh, what about The Letter?  Okay, I admit that is floating around on the Internet, along with any number of opinions on the subject of all manner of sexual things having to do with our religion.  I refuse to discuss The Letter, except to say that it’s not relevant, current or applicable.  Go discuss it elsewhere.  (I hate arguing and conflict.)   But what about that book I read by Bro and Sis So and So that said oral sex was wrong?  What about (very spiritual and just-about-to-be-Translated ward member) who told me that only whores and sluts do anal and you will go to hell if you do it?  You don’t have to listen to them!!!  Your sex life is your sex life.  It’s between you and your spouse.

I’m just one woman, not even an important one, with an opinion.  And my opinion is, if you want to do it…DO IT!  Oh, zookie, but what about…..Yes, do THAT, TOO!  (Oh:  Unless it has to do with animals.  Do NOT do that.  AAaahhahahahaha! )  Touch, kiss, lick, suck, pinch, spank, slap, squeeze, (I think I”ll stop there, whew!) whatever part of your spouse’s body you want or they want.  If it feels good, do it.   That’s my opinion.

“If it feels good, do it.”  That was a common phrase held up as an absolute no-no when I was growing up.   We were NOT supposed to do something just because it felt good.  In fact, if it felt good, I’m pretty sure we thought we’d go straight to hell if we did it!   Here’s the thing:  we weren’t married then.  If you are, then guess what?  You CAN do it, and you don’t even have to go see your bishop about doing it!  I think there’s some kind of residual guilt or shame in a lot of us about that. If it’s not PIV, missionary position, one and done, vanilla sex and it feels soooooo good, it might not be natural and has to be just plain wrong.  Oh, and if I feel guilty about it I’m supposed to discontinue the practice!  (News flash:  not all guilt is good, healthy or from a positive source. )

You do not need permission from your Bishop, Stake President or our General Authorities to do something in bed with your spouse.   And I”m pretty sure they aren’t going to give it to you, even if you ask.

Have I convinced you?  Good!  Now it’s your job to convince your reluctant spouse.  Good luck with that.  🙂

All Your Ducks in a Row

Okay, my friends, let’s try this again.  I was having technical difficulties when this post mistakenly popped up half done the other day.

Today I was looking at the pictures I posted of me in my new, hot shoes.  Do you think that I was just looking at the shoes and how hot they are?  Well, no.  I’m a woman, so here’s what I saw.  “OMG, I need to vacuum that rug! Oh, no!  My baseboard is all scuffed and needs to be cleaned!  How embarrassing!  Look at those floors.  They could use a good wash and shine.”  Then I went downstairs and physically looked at the walls, floors, and baseboards, and came to the conclusion that I need to go on the show Horders, Buried Alive, because omg, What A Mess!

Women can be very task oriented.  We have A List.  We have Thinks To Do.  And we don’t understand why you guys don’t have the same priorities.  Why can’t you guys see All There Is To Do?  You want to do what?  Wait, the dishes aren’t done!  There’s laundry in the dryer!  I didn’t vacuum today!  I’m not ready.  I can’t relax when there are dishes in the sink.  So you talk us into it anyway, and we are trying to get into it but can’t shut the bedroom door on the dishes.  They’re out there, as persistent as any child saying, “Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom”, over and over, and they’re saying, “Come wash me, come wash me!  You horrible housekeeper, you, how can you leave me dirty in the sink??  All this food is going to be stuck on me in the morning!”  For all you ladies shuddering over leaving dishes in the sink overnight, and for my grandmother rolling over in her grave, don’t think I’m advocating it, haha!  It’s just an example.  In fact, it could very easily be something much less significant, like today’s mail.  But it’s on The List, and it’s Not Done.

So we can’t relax and enjoy.  Then we get resentful.  “Well, if he cared for me one iota, he’d know I can’t do this when there are dishes in the sink.  Oh, that man!”  And our husband thinks, “Why would she want to do DISHES instead of sex?  How can doing dishes possibly rate as a higher priority????”

Lots of people want all their ducks in a row before they do anything.  Especially something that might be considered nonessential or even just for fun.  For example, I have this cross stitch I’ve been working on.  For 15 years.  It sits there and mocks me, “ha ha ha, you’ll never be caught up enough work on me again, let alone finish me.”  It’s the very symbol of my ineptitude as a housekeeper and a mother.  Every time I see it I feel inadequate.  Now, I would enjoy doing that cross stitch, but I’ve put it last on my list.  I’ll do it after (insert multiple tasks here). I know what you’re thinking, well, she’s doing this blog, she must have some free time.  Okay, so maybe I don’t LOVE cross stitching.  Maybe I hate it.  Did I just say I would enjoy doing it?  I think I meant I would enjoy getting it done and then burning it.  So there it is, half done, mocking me.  Can any of you relate?   I’d rather scrub toilets than work on that cross stitch.  Better, I’d rather have sex 24/7 than work on that %!*# cross stitch.  In fact, I’m going to go throw it out right now!

…..

Okay, it’s in the garbage, but it’s screaming at me to get it out.  Will power, I need will power!   Moving on…where was I going with this???  I’m not sure–I’ll make it work somehow.

We have all these tasks to do during the day.  And if we don’t do them, it’s just going to be worse tomorrow.  And we are thinking, okay, after I get my list all crossed off, I’ll want to have sex.  After everything is just right, then I’ll feel like I can relax and enjoy.  Or even, fine, if I must put sex on my list, it’s going at the bottom of it.  It can wait.  Well, it really CAN’T wait.  The thing is, the dishes the laundry, the mail, all those tasks are recurring.  They’ll NEVER truly be done.  Our List will never be crossed off completely.  And the hour you could have spent loving your spouse can never be regained.  I’ll do it later is not a good strategy for your love life.  And just think–if you’re the person being put at the bottom of the list, under dishes, cleaning the toilet or going through the junk mail,  how horrible that must feel!

There are just certain things that have to be prioritized.  And sex is one of them.  If your List is calling, calling, calling you, you’ve got to do your best to ignore it for an hour or so at least a few days a week.  I think you’ll feel better for it!  I mean, really, orgasm or dishes?  Hmmm, that’s a tough one!  Um, I’ll take the orgasms, thank you!

So ignore that stupid cross stitch yelling at you from the garbage!  Oh!  I mean the endless List of tasks we have.  And spend some fun time with your spouse.  If you have to put it on the list so that it’ll get done, put it on the list.  At the top!  That’s something you won’t regret.

 

Lingerie

Shoe Dazzle!

I just bought the cutest pair of shoes from Shoe Dazzle!

They are HOT!  I love shoes.  Especially sexy shoes.  And I feel so very sexy IN those sexy shoes.   I’m very tall already, but I OWN my height and don’t mind being over six feet tall in my high heels.  Sadly, I don’t own very many pairs of sexy shoes, because Conan hates feet and anything to do with feet, including shoes.  He only thinks that feet should always be IN shoes, and that’s about as far as it goes.   😦  My high school boyfriend actually had one (yes, just one) thing going for him, and that was that he would always give me a fantastic foot rub after basketball and football games ( I didn’t play, I cheered).  Oh, I loved that soooooo much.  Conan refuses to touch my feet.  I don’t think he’d touch my feet with latex gloves on.  And my feet are not gross, okay?  They’re just fine.  No bunions, calluses, cracked heels, yucky toenails, nothing.  Just long, like the rest of me.  But I digress.

Because Conan could not care less about lingerie and sexy shoes etc, I haven’t indulged in them very much.  In fact, he thinks they are a waste of money and so gives me a hard time if I spend money on things like that, so over the years I just haven’t purchased many things that make me feel sexy.  But that is changing for me.  I want to feel sexy and beautiful, and so I’m going to buy things that make me feel that way.   That’s why I bought those fantastic shoes.  That and I’m tired of denying myself things I like just because Conan doesn’t think they’re important.

Yes, Conan does not care about lingerie.   Shock!!!   When we first got married, in fact on our honeymoon, I brought several very sexy, very beautiful items of lingerie.  Lace, satin, soft, sexy, feminine, racy, demure, red, white, black, pink, lots of stuff!  And let me tell you, I was very, very VERY deflated at Conan’s complete lack of enthusiasm when I presented myself to him in  them.  I mean, he had zero things to say about them.  Oh, except that he didn’t care and would I please just take it off.  Talk about a downer.  😦    I tried a different one each night, and got the same reaction each time, so my pretty things went into a drawer when we got home, and then a box, and then the garbage within a couple years.  😦

Now, I truly, truly wish I’d gotten a different reaction from Conan.  That was one of the things that contributed to my lack of sex drive later.  But Conan is who he is and didn’t know that.  I didn’t really understand it either, at the time.

Here’s what you do, guys, to make your wife feel good about being in lingerie for you.  Growl a sexy growl.  Tell her she’s beautiful.  Tell her you love seeing her that way.  Be enthusiastic!  That should put a smile on her face and touch her heart, as well.

I imagine most of you have had a completely different experience than I had.  You guys probably love, love LOVE lingerie and just can’t seem to get your wife to wear enough of it!   And then there are probably some really lucky couples who agree in that area, too.  The man loves to see it and the woman loves to wear it.  Lucky you!!

Ladies, do you like to wear lingerie?  Does it make you feel sexy?  Even if we don’t look like a Victoria’s Secret model (Hey, even the models don’t look like their photoshopped pictures!)  we can still wear pretty things.   I like wearing pretty clothes, jewelry, shoes, etc.  It makes me feel good.  So does wearing lingerie!  Or do you wear nothing but sweats and a ratty t-shirt to bed night after night?   Okay, so some lingerie is not very practical for sleeping in, true.  But there are lots of pretty things out there that are also good for sleeping in.  Pre-temple days I wore just a short nightie or t-shirt.  I get waaayy to hot for anything else.  Now I sleep in just the Gs.  But I know most women like to sleep in some kind of night wear.  Why not make it pretty or cute or a bit sexy sometimes?

You could always go with the hoodie-footie if you get really cold at night ha ha ha!!

Guys, do you like, love, or feel indifferent to lingerie?  Wish your wife would wear more of it?  Less of it?   Let us ladies know what you think and what you’d like.  I want to know!

And this is one girl who is going to be acquiring some fun, pretty, sexy things–not for Conan, just for me.  To make me feel good, pretty, sexy, all that.   If Conan likes it, too, all the better.

What’s So Wrong With the Missionary Position?

My BFF and I were talking the other day and the subject of sex came up.  Imagine that!  ha ha!  I can’t remember how the conversation got there, but I asked her, “What’s so wrong with the missionary position, anyway?”  She said, “I know, right!”  That got me to thinking.  Really–what’s wrong with it?

Here’s what’s right about it:

  • You can wrap your arms and legs around your man.
  • You can kiss
  • You can look into each others eyes
  • Your man can pin your hands above your head–mmm
  • Or you can have your hands free to touch lots of places and do lots of things
  • It’s a flattering position, and if you have figure flaws they’re less likely to be seen
  • It can make you (as a woman) feel safe, cherished, held and loved
  • It’s romantic
  • It’s sexy

That all sounds very nice, doesn’t it?  Mmmhmm.

So what’s wrong with it?  I think it’s the thought that it’s the ONLY position that’s allowed.   That you’re lying there, checked out.   That you’re doing your duty.  Lie back and think of England.   You don’t have to contribute to what’s happening.    And lets face it, even your very favorite thing can become old if that’s all you ever have.

So break out of your rut if you’re in one.  You don’t have to hang from the rafters!  In fact, there are some positions that are quite laughable in my opinion.  I’m wondering where the pleasure comes in when you’re trying to bend in some way that humans weren’t meant to bend!  But let’s mix it up a little.  Don’t be so quick to say, I don’t want it that way.

Why don’t some women want some other positions?  Here’s what I’ve heard about the flip side:  Rear entry is degrading.  It’s not intimate.  It’s animalistic.  It just seems nasty.  I hate the term “doggy style”.  I feel like a piece of meat.

Honestly, your husband is probably not thinking, I would like to make my wife feel like a whore.  What he’s probably thinking is, I’d like to make my wife feel good!  I’d like to get a good view of my wife!  So what if it’s called “doggy style”?  Don’t call it that if you don’t like it.  If you think it’s animalistic, well, okay.  But there are lots of things that animals do that we do, too.  Animals nurse their young, for instance.  That’s not gonna stop you from doing it, is it?  And not all sex is  soft, sweet, and slow.  It’s not supposed to be.  You want it to feel good, don’t you?  Yes, the missionary position is awesome, fun, and all the things I listed.  But sometimes you’ve gotta step it up!   I encourage you to get over your shyness, your discomfort, your insecurities.  Allow yourself to just go with it and enjoy!

How Long is Too Long?

Hello, and Happy New Year!  I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday season and you’re all ready to take on the new year.  I had a lovely holiday with family and friends, old and new.  Christmas was as close to perfect as Christmas can get (for this girl, anyway), and New Year’s Eve was super, super fun.  I’ve now celebrated New Year’s Eve with my best friends for 21 years in a row.  I don’t know what I’d do without those girls.  AND I managed to NOT gain any weight over the holidays, in fact, I lost five pounds.  Woo Hoo!!!

Yes, this is still a blog about sex, so I’ll get on with it, already!

How long can you go without sex before you either start to want to chew nails or you completely shut down sexually?   If you’re not having sex, is it better to try to completely forget about it or masturbate and fantasize by yourself?  What if your body did shut down sexually?  Then your spouse decides she/he wants sex and you’re supposed to want it again as if everything is just peachy.  How are you supposed to fire it up again?

If I wasn’t having sex, wasn’t getting any sexual attention, and wasn’t thinking about sex at all, my body would shut down.  Okay, well, maybe  that’s not such a bad thing.  No sex, but also no sexual feelings.   No, I take it back.  It would be a bad thing.  I LIKE sexual attention and sexual feelings.  I would miss that and be sad.

So how long is too long?  A week?  A month?  Or, more precisely, if your frequency was always once a week or once a month,  or, tragically, less, and that wasn’t just an anomaly, how long could you continue that way before having an adverse reaction?

Even worse is what starts to happen mentally and emotionally.  Do the little annoying things your spouse does start to  bother you?  Do you get angry at him/her more easily?   Do you start to discount when he/she says “I love you, honey”?  Do you think, “Yeah, sure you do.” ?  If you’re a woman, do you cry?  If you’re a man?

There’s so much emotion tied up in sex, isn’t there?  I don’t think I could have a sexual relationship and not become emotionally attached anymore than I could be in love and not become (or want to become) sexually involved.    For me, at least, it would be impossible to separate the two.  So, does love start to wane when your sexual relationship is tanking??  Or do you just chalk it up to the ups and downs of marriage, remember you love your spouse, and wait for an up time?

Conan and I said we loved each other when our frequency was three times a month or so.  But I think it was watered down love–not as good as it could have been.

I know we need to always show our love for our spouses, even if things aren’t perfect.  Then, when/if things do improve,  we don’t have so much ground to make up.

What do you think?

Expected Sex

What does your husband want for his birthday?  The average, red blooded male wants SEX!  I’m pretty sure that’s what he wants for Valentines Day, Father’s Day, your wedding anniversary, Christmas and New Year’s.

Why is it hard for some of us to give our husbands what they want for these events?  This is the question our guys just can’t figure out.  First of all, you don’t have to shop for it.  Secondly, it’s FREE!  Plus, it’s what they really want!  Most importantly, it’s a gift that gives back, in a very nice way.

Oh, sure, there are other things that you don’t have to shop for and are free, like making a coupon for free hugs and backrubs (with no happy ending, I mean) or his favorite dinner or something, but I’m going to go out on a limb and say that a coupon for a free hug is not gonna cut it!  (The dinner will be appreciated, though, I’m sure!)  Anyway, I remember a time when expected sex just made me more standoffish than ever.  It really irritated me to think that I was expected to put out at those times.  That’s why I’ve written about being sexually giving, enthusiastically giving, etc., because I clearly remember when I wasn’t any of those things.  I was selfish.  I could not or did not care about Conan’s feelings, or, more kindly, didn’t understand and didn’t try to understand his feelings.   Recently, I’ve been somewhat on the receiving end of this.  I’m debating whether or not to blog about it–someday, maybe.  But I will tell you I know how it feels, now.  And that feeling is NOT GOOD AT ALL.  A big hug, little smooch and a “Happy [fill in the day], honey, I love you,” even if you mean it, before rolling over and going to sleep is small consolation for rejection.    That won’t make your spouse feel loved and cherished.  Actions speak louder than words.

If you love giving gifts, if your spouse loves receiving gifts, that’s great!  Go out and shop your little heart out.  But if what he or she really wants is to make love to you or be made love to, make that their number one present!

I’m going to give you a pass on Christmas Eve.  Especially if you’re like me and are up wrapping gifts ’til 3:00 a.m.  while your husband peacefully slumbers, allowing you to do all the work.  (I’m not sure Conan has ever wrapped a gift in his entire life, truthfully.)  Anyway, after an eventful day of last minute shopping, cooking, family gatherings, wrestling with kids to get them to go to bed, and THEN wrapping the gifts, all this girl wants is my fluffy pillow and sleep!!!  (Yes, if I was Ms. Superwoman and had all my gifts wrapped and ready to go beforehand, I could go to bed with my husband.  Ms. Superwoman I”m not.  Maybe this year–I still have a few days.)  You do not get a pass if your husband helps you with everything and you go to bed before midnight, haha!

Do you want sex in celebration of holidays and major events like anniversaries and birthdays?  Do you give sex for those events?  Why or why not?

Merry Christmas!