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Purity

I found myself falling into some old conditioning the other day.   There is a lovely young woman ( early 30’s) in my ward who is so sweet, so pure, so righteous, so spiritual, so talented, so pretty, so…everything…and the thought came to me that she seems soooooo good that she must not be sexual.  WHOA!  Where’d that come from?!?

I had to remind myself that being sexual is not sinful.  And it doesn’t disqualify anyone from being all the things she is–pure, sweet, righteous, spiritual, etc.

That bears repeating:  We are not sinning when we are sexual.    We are following a big part of God’s plan for happiness in marriage when we are sexual.  We are sexual beings.  We were created that way–not to torment us and make us feel bad, but to give us great pleasure and make us feel good and help our marriage!

Some people agree with me in theory.  Meaning, “oh, yes, it is right for me to have sex and have a family.”  But that’s not the same as enjoying and loving and having frequent sex. As in, “It’s probably not right for me to enjoy it.  I mean, I kind of feel guilty when I enjoy it and don’t they say that if you feel guilty about it you should discontinue it?”

News flash:  Not all guilt is productive or good or warranted.  Some is plain and simple conditioning.  Inaccurate, uninformed, passed down from generation to generation, wrong.

So while I don’t know if she’s embraced her sexuality and she and her husband have a rockin’ sex life (and I”m not about to ask, either, haha!), I do know that her sweetness and purity doesn’t automatically mean she’s turned off that part of herself.

It’s not either or.  We can and should embrace the sexual part of ourselves, just like we embrace the mother in us, the crafter or homemaker in us (if it’s in us…I didn’t get any crafter genes AT ALL.), the friend in us.  We can be many things and still be righteous, virtuous women.

Let’s all remember that when that old conditioning kicks in, shall we?

Anatomy Lessons

I recently talked to a 50-year-old woman who told me she didn’t even know what a clitoris was until she was 30 years old.  As you can guess, she also didn’t orgasm up to that point, either.  I asked her if the reason she finally had an orgasm was because her next husband knew about female anatomy.  She said, no, it was an accident.  We weren’t able to get into how she learned about the clitoris, or how her current husband learned about it.

I was appalled.  How can a woman not know about her clitoris?  Well, let’s see.  Her mother didn’t tell her, it’s very likely her mother didn’t even know, herself.  She apparently didn’t discuss such things with her girlfriends, either.  She never read a Penthouse Forum or a steamy, graphically termed novel.     She didn’t read a book like “The Joy of Sex”.   She probably didn’t even read, “Are You There, God, It’s Me, Margaret” by Judy Blume, which was scandalous for mentioning  female masturbation.  Gasp!!!  And she certainly didn’t discover it by accident through self exploration, the way I’m pretty sure many women do.

Then my bestie, Ms. Canon, who has commented here a total of one, yep, ONE time ;), reminded me that I was the one who told HER what a clitoris was.  We were about 15, I think.  There’s a story to that, an inside joke that wouldn’t be funny in the slightest to anyone but us.  When she reminded me of it we laughed and laughed!  And, yep, I did have to explain to her what a clitoris was.  Even back then my favorite subject was sex!   She is very thankful to me for that, uh-huh!

My daughter told me that the clitoris was discussed in her health class, too.  It certainly wasn’t when I was in school.  That part of the female anatomy might as well have not existed, at all!  Why not?  Because it has no other function that pleasure and orgasm?  Scandalous!!!  That a woman might know how to get an orgasm, and what part of her body is required, was as taboo as anything else. “You’ll find out when you’re married” obviously is not a good way of dealing with it!

How did I know my anatomy, you ask?  Well, in all honesty, I cannot remember how I learned about the clitoris.   I do remember how I learned about the rest of the female anatomy, though.  Very simple.  I read and studied the little diagram on the instruction paper in my mom’s tampon box.  Yep.  I used to look at it all the time.

I got to thinking, does my daughter know about her anatomy?  I can’t remember telling her about it.  So one day in the car I asked her, do you know what your clitoris is?  Yes, Mom, you told me that already–awkward!!!  She says to me.  hee hee!  I love embarrassing her.   Well, you need to know these things, honey.  I tell her.  No I don’t, Mom, I’m only 13!!!

Well, she does need to know these things.  All men and women need to know these things.  Let’s make sure our kids know about their bodies and the bodies of the opposite sex.  Hiding it, being ashamed and embarrassed, hoping they’ll figure it out, those things just don’t cut it as lots of men and women have learned the hard way.

Guy Valentine’s Day

March Madness is here.  Conan loves college hoops almost as much as he loves football.  Or wait, does he love it more?  I’m not sure.  🙂

I grew up in a very non-sports family.  We did not play sports and we did not watch them, either.  I knew nothing about sports.  PE was torture for me.  Learning (or not learning) to play basketball in high school was a disaster.  Don’t even mention “pivot foot” to me!  GRRRRRRRRRRR!  I simply could not understand it.  Since I’m 5’10” people were always asking me if I played basketball.  Um, no.  It’s actually laughable.  I can’t throw, catch, hit, pitch, kick or whatever else there is to do with a ball.   The closest I got to sports was being a cheerleader.  I know you’re thinking, how could she be a cheerleader and know nothing about sports?  First of all, my abilities as a cheerleader were questionable, and it would have been a mistake for me to pick out the cheers (my favorite cheer was “sack that quarterback.”  I had no idea what a quarterback was, and I didn’t know what it meant to sack one.  Whenever I’d ask if we could do that cheer, the other girls would say, NO, we have the ball!  Well, what’s that got to do with it???), secondly I couldn’t do the splits or a cartwheel, but I had a big smile and was very enthusiastic and adored it and had more fun than a girl should be allowed being a cheerleader.

Anyway, when Conan and I got married I had no idea what a sports fan he was.  I certainly didn’t know what March Madness was!  It took me a few years, but  I finally started recognizing, Oh, it’s that March thing again!  The time when I’m not allowed to speak for fear that Conan will miss something those guys on ESPN say.  (This was before DVR,  But even now I’m not allowed to be noisy when they’re doing whatever it is they do during the month of March.)  The time for “Brackets” and “Final Four” and games on TV day and night and boys crying on the court when they lose (which breaks my heart) and things being thrown at the TV when the wrong team wins (before the plasma.  No one is allowed to throw anything even remotely in the direction of the plasma!)

What does this have to do with Guy Valentine’s Day?  Nothing!  🙂  It’s just all there used to be in March.  A few years ago I discovered something much more fun that happens in March.  March 14th, Guy Valentine’s Day, otherwise known as Steak and Blowjob Day. (Steakandbjday.com)  Oh, yes!  It’s a real day.  I’m not including the link to the official site because although the home page is tame and you won’t get hit with any porn there, you will find porn links on at least one of their side links.  So go there at your own risk.  If you do go there, be sure to watch their little video.  It is absolutely hysterical!  (And safe.) They also have some naughty little cards you can print out to surprise your man with.  Ribald little rhymes that are very funny but a little TOO risque to put an example here. (You can safely click on their card link without getting any porn.)

When I first heard of it, I surprised Conan with one of those little cards and a bottle of flavored lube and then served him a delicious rib eye steak and mashed potatoes dinner.  mmmmm.  Then…..He enjoyed his “Guy Valentine’s Day”!  And we’ve been celebrating it ever since.  I’ve told all my girlfriends about this day. (Well, all my bunco friends, anyway.  My church friends and I are not on that intimate of terms.  I am going visiting teaching today…maybe…well, no, never mind!)

So now March is fun for Conan in two ways.  March Madness and Steak and BJ Day.  And I get a big kick out of this little “holiday” and get so pleased with myself over my awesomeness that I can ignore all that basketball all month long!

All Your Ducks in a Row

Okay, my friends, let’s try this again.  I was having technical difficulties when this post mistakenly popped up half done the other day.

Today I was looking at the pictures I posted of me in my new, hot shoes.  Do you think that I was just looking at the shoes and how hot they are?  Well, no.  I’m a woman, so here’s what I saw.  “OMG, I need to vacuum that rug! Oh, no!  My baseboard is all scuffed and needs to be cleaned!  How embarrassing!  Look at those floors.  They could use a good wash and shine.”  Then I went downstairs and physically looked at the walls, floors, and baseboards, and came to the conclusion that I need to go on the show Horders, Buried Alive, because omg, What A Mess!

Women can be very task oriented.  We have A List.  We have Thinks To Do.  And we don’t understand why you guys don’t have the same priorities.  Why can’t you guys see All There Is To Do?  You want to do what?  Wait, the dishes aren’t done!  There’s laundry in the dryer!  I didn’t vacuum today!  I’m not ready.  I can’t relax when there are dishes in the sink.  So you talk us into it anyway, and we are trying to get into it but can’t shut the bedroom door on the dishes.  They’re out there, as persistent as any child saying, “Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom”, over and over, and they’re saying, “Come wash me, come wash me!  You horrible housekeeper, you, how can you leave me dirty in the sink??  All this food is going to be stuck on me in the morning!”  For all you ladies shuddering over leaving dishes in the sink overnight, and for my grandmother rolling over in her grave, don’t think I’m advocating it, haha!  It’s just an example.  In fact, it could very easily be something much less significant, like today’s mail.  But it’s on The List, and it’s Not Done.

So we can’t relax and enjoy.  Then we get resentful.  “Well, if he cared for me one iota, he’d know I can’t do this when there are dishes in the sink.  Oh, that man!”  And our husband thinks, “Why would she want to do DISHES instead of sex?  How can doing dishes possibly rate as a higher priority????”

Lots of people want all their ducks in a row before they do anything.  Especially something that might be considered nonessential or even just for fun.  For example, I have this cross stitch I’ve been working on.  For 15 years.  It sits there and mocks me, “ha ha ha, you’ll never be caught up enough work on me again, let alone finish me.”  It’s the very symbol of my ineptitude as a housekeeper and a mother.  Every time I see it I feel inadequate.  Now, I would enjoy doing that cross stitch, but I’ve put it last on my list.  I’ll do it after (insert multiple tasks here). I know what you’re thinking, well, she’s doing this blog, she must have some free time.  Okay, so maybe I don’t LOVE cross stitching.  Maybe I hate it.  Did I just say I would enjoy doing it?  I think I meant I would enjoy getting it done and then burning it.  So there it is, half done, mocking me.  Can any of you relate?   I’d rather scrub toilets than work on that cross stitch.  Better, I’d rather have sex 24/7 than work on that %!*# cross stitch.  In fact, I’m going to go throw it out right now!

…..

Okay, it’s in the garbage, but it’s screaming at me to get it out.  Will power, I need will power!   Moving on…where was I going with this???  I’m not sure–I’ll make it work somehow.

We have all these tasks to do during the day.  And if we don’t do them, it’s just going to be worse tomorrow.  And we are thinking, okay, after I get my list all crossed off, I’ll want to have sex.  After everything is just right, then I’ll feel like I can relax and enjoy.  Or even, fine, if I must put sex on my list, it’s going at the bottom of it.  It can wait.  Well, it really CAN’T wait.  The thing is, the dishes the laundry, the mail, all those tasks are recurring.  They’ll NEVER truly be done.  Our List will never be crossed off completely.  And the hour you could have spent loving your spouse can never be regained.  I’ll do it later is not a good strategy for your love life.  And just think–if you’re the person being put at the bottom of the list, under dishes, cleaning the toilet or going through the junk mail,  how horrible that must feel!

There are just certain things that have to be prioritized.  And sex is one of them.  If your List is calling, calling, calling you, you’ve got to do your best to ignore it for an hour or so at least a few days a week.  I think you’ll feel better for it!  I mean, really, orgasm or dishes?  Hmmm, that’s a tough one!  Um, I’ll take the orgasms, thank you!

So ignore that stupid cross stitch yelling at you from the garbage!  Oh!  I mean the endless List of tasks we have.  And spend some fun time with your spouse.  If you have to put it on the list so that it’ll get done, put it on the list.  At the top!  That’s something you won’t regret.

 

What’s So Wrong With the Missionary Position?

My BFF and I were talking the other day and the subject of sex came up.  Imagine that!  ha ha!  I can’t remember how the conversation got there, but I asked her, “What’s so wrong with the missionary position, anyway?”  She said, “I know, right!”  That got me to thinking.  Really–what’s wrong with it?

Here’s what’s right about it:

  • You can wrap your arms and legs around your man.
  • You can kiss
  • You can look into each others eyes
  • Your man can pin your hands above your head–mmm
  • Or you can have your hands free to touch lots of places and do lots of things
  • It’s a flattering position, and if you have figure flaws they’re less likely to be seen
  • It can make you (as a woman) feel safe, cherished, held and loved
  • It’s romantic
  • It’s sexy

That all sounds very nice, doesn’t it?  Mmmhmm.

So what’s wrong with it?  I think it’s the thought that it’s the ONLY position that’s allowed.   That you’re lying there, checked out.   That you’re doing your duty.  Lie back and think of England.   You don’t have to contribute to what’s happening.    And lets face it, even your very favorite thing can become old if that’s all you ever have.

So break out of your rut if you’re in one.  You don’t have to hang from the rafters!  In fact, there are some positions that are quite laughable in my opinion.  I’m wondering where the pleasure comes in when you’re trying to bend in some way that humans weren’t meant to bend!  But let’s mix it up a little.  Don’t be so quick to say, I don’t want it that way.

Why don’t some women want some other positions?  Here’s what I’ve heard about the flip side:  Rear entry is degrading.  It’s not intimate.  It’s animalistic.  It just seems nasty.  I hate the term “doggy style”.  I feel like a piece of meat.

Honestly, your husband is probably not thinking, I would like to make my wife feel like a whore.  What he’s probably thinking is, I’d like to make my wife feel good!  I’d like to get a good view of my wife!  So what if it’s called “doggy style”?  Don’t call it that if you don’t like it.  If you think it’s animalistic, well, okay.  But there are lots of things that animals do that we do, too.  Animals nurse their young, for instance.  That’s not gonna stop you from doing it, is it?  And not all sex is  soft, sweet, and slow.  It’s not supposed to be.  You want it to feel good, don’t you?  Yes, the missionary position is awesome, fun, and all the things I listed.  But sometimes you’ve gotta step it up!   I encourage you to get over your shyness, your discomfort, your insecurities.  Allow yourself to just go with it and enjoy!

How Long is Too Long?

Hello, and Happy New Year!  I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday season and you’re all ready to take on the new year.  I had a lovely holiday with family and friends, old and new.  Christmas was as close to perfect as Christmas can get (for this girl, anyway), and New Year’s Eve was super, super fun.  I’ve now celebrated New Year’s Eve with my best friends for 21 years in a row.  I don’t know what I’d do without those girls.  AND I managed to NOT gain any weight over the holidays, in fact, I lost five pounds.  Woo Hoo!!!

Yes, this is still a blog about sex, so I’ll get on with it, already!

How long can you go without sex before you either start to want to chew nails or you completely shut down sexually?   If you’re not having sex, is it better to try to completely forget about it or masturbate and fantasize by yourself?  What if your body did shut down sexually?  Then your spouse decides she/he wants sex and you’re supposed to want it again as if everything is just peachy.  How are you supposed to fire it up again?

If I wasn’t having sex, wasn’t getting any sexual attention, and wasn’t thinking about sex at all, my body would shut down.  Okay, well, maybe  that’s not such a bad thing.  No sex, but also no sexual feelings.   No, I take it back.  It would be a bad thing.  I LIKE sexual attention and sexual feelings.  I would miss that and be sad.

So how long is too long?  A week?  A month?  Or, more precisely, if your frequency was always once a week or once a month,  or, tragically, less, and that wasn’t just an anomaly, how long could you continue that way before having an adverse reaction?

Even worse is what starts to happen mentally and emotionally.  Do the little annoying things your spouse does start to  bother you?  Do you get angry at him/her more easily?   Do you start to discount when he/she says “I love you, honey”?  Do you think, “Yeah, sure you do.” ?  If you’re a woman, do you cry?  If you’re a man?

There’s so much emotion tied up in sex, isn’t there?  I don’t think I could have a sexual relationship and not become emotionally attached anymore than I could be in love and not become (or want to become) sexually involved.    For me, at least, it would be impossible to separate the two.  So, does love start to wane when your sexual relationship is tanking??  Or do you just chalk it up to the ups and downs of marriage, remember you love your spouse, and wait for an up time?

Conan and I said we loved each other when our frequency was three times a month or so.  But I think it was watered down love–not as good as it could have been.

I know we need to always show our love for our spouses, even if things aren’t perfect.  Then, when/if things do improve,  we don’t have so much ground to make up.

What do you think?

Expected Sex

What does your husband want for his birthday?  The average, red blooded male wants SEX!  I’m pretty sure that’s what he wants for Valentines Day, Father’s Day, your wedding anniversary, Christmas and New Year’s.

Why is it hard for some of us to give our husbands what they want for these events?  This is the question our guys just can’t figure out.  First of all, you don’t have to shop for it.  Secondly, it’s FREE!  Plus, it’s what they really want!  Most importantly, it’s a gift that gives back, in a very nice way.

Oh, sure, there are other things that you don’t have to shop for and are free, like making a coupon for free hugs and backrubs (with no happy ending, I mean) or his favorite dinner or something, but I’m going to go out on a limb and say that a coupon for a free hug is not gonna cut it!  (The dinner will be appreciated, though, I’m sure!)  Anyway, I remember a time when expected sex just made me more standoffish than ever.  It really irritated me to think that I was expected to put out at those times.  That’s why I’ve written about being sexually giving, enthusiastically giving, etc., because I clearly remember when I wasn’t any of those things.  I was selfish.  I could not or did not care about Conan’s feelings, or, more kindly, didn’t understand and didn’t try to understand his feelings.   Recently, I’ve been somewhat on the receiving end of this.  I’m debating whether or not to blog about it–someday, maybe.  But I will tell you I know how it feels, now.  And that feeling is NOT GOOD AT ALL.  A big hug, little smooch and a “Happy [fill in the day], honey, I love you,” even if you mean it, before rolling over and going to sleep is small consolation for rejection.    That won’t make your spouse feel loved and cherished.  Actions speak louder than words.

If you love giving gifts, if your spouse loves receiving gifts, that’s great!  Go out and shop your little heart out.  But if what he or she really wants is to make love to you or be made love to, make that their number one present!

I’m going to give you a pass on Christmas Eve.  Especially if you’re like me and are up wrapping gifts ’til 3:00 a.m.  while your husband peacefully slumbers, allowing you to do all the work.  (I’m not sure Conan has ever wrapped a gift in his entire life, truthfully.)  Anyway, after an eventful day of last minute shopping, cooking, family gatherings, wrestling with kids to get them to go to bed, and THEN wrapping the gifts, all this girl wants is my fluffy pillow and sleep!!!  (Yes, if I was Ms. Superwoman and had all my gifts wrapped and ready to go beforehand, I could go to bed with my husband.  Ms. Superwoman I”m not.  Maybe this year–I still have a few days.)  You do not get a pass if your husband helps you with everything and you go to bed before midnight, haha!

Do you want sex in celebration of holidays and major events like anniversaries and birthdays?  Do you give sex for those events?  Why or why not?

Merry Christmas!