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All Your Ducks in a Row

Okay, my friends, let’s try this again.  I was having technical difficulties when this post mistakenly popped up half done the other day.

Today I was looking at the pictures I posted of me in my new, hot shoes.  Do you think that I was just looking at the shoes and how hot they are?  Well, no.  I’m a woman, so here’s what I saw.  “OMG, I need to vacuum that rug! Oh, no!  My baseboard is all scuffed and needs to be cleaned!  How embarrassing!  Look at those floors.  They could use a good wash and shine.”  Then I went downstairs and physically looked at the walls, floors, and baseboards, and came to the conclusion that I need to go on the show Horders, Buried Alive, because omg, What A Mess!

Women can be very task oriented.  We have A List.  We have Thinks To Do.  And we don’t understand why you guys don’t have the same priorities.  Why can’t you guys see All There Is To Do?  You want to do what?  Wait, the dishes aren’t done!  There’s laundry in the dryer!  I didn’t vacuum today!  I’m not ready.  I can’t relax when there are dishes in the sink.  So you talk us into it anyway, and we are trying to get into it but can’t shut the bedroom door on the dishes.  They’re out there, as persistent as any child saying, “Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom”, over and over, and they’re saying, “Come wash me, come wash me!  You horrible housekeeper, you, how can you leave me dirty in the sink??  All this food is going to be stuck on me in the morning!”  For all you ladies shuddering over leaving dishes in the sink overnight, and for my grandmother rolling over in her grave, don’t think I’m advocating it, haha!  It’s just an example.  In fact, it could very easily be something much less significant, like today’s mail.  But it’s on The List, and it’s Not Done.

So we can’t relax and enjoy.  Then we get resentful.  “Well, if he cared for me one iota, he’d know I can’t do this when there are dishes in the sink.  Oh, that man!”  And our husband thinks, “Why would she want to do DISHES instead of sex?  How can doing dishes possibly rate as a higher priority????”

Lots of people want all their ducks in a row before they do anything.  Especially something that might be considered nonessential or even just for fun.  For example, I have this cross stitch I’ve been working on.  For 15 years.  It sits there and mocks me, “ha ha ha, you’ll never be caught up enough work on me again, let alone finish me.”  It’s the very symbol of my ineptitude as a housekeeper and a mother.  Every time I see it I feel inadequate.  Now, I would enjoy doing that cross stitch, but I’ve put it last on my list.  I’ll do it after (insert multiple tasks here). I know what you’re thinking, well, she’s doing this blog, she must have some free time.  Okay, so maybe I don’t LOVE cross stitching.  Maybe I hate it.  Did I just say I would enjoy doing it?  I think I meant I would enjoy getting it done and then burning it.  So there it is, half done, mocking me.  Can any of you relate?   I’d rather scrub toilets than work on that cross stitch.  Better, I’d rather have sex 24/7 than work on that %!*# cross stitch.  In fact, I’m going to go throw it out right now!

…..

Okay, it’s in the garbage, but it’s screaming at me to get it out.  Will power, I need will power!   Moving on…where was I going with this???  I’m not sure–I’ll make it work somehow.

We have all these tasks to do during the day.  And if we don’t do them, it’s just going to be worse tomorrow.  And we are thinking, okay, after I get my list all crossed off, I’ll want to have sex.  After everything is just right, then I’ll feel like I can relax and enjoy.  Or even, fine, if I must put sex on my list, it’s going at the bottom of it.  It can wait.  Well, it really CAN’T wait.  The thing is, the dishes the laundry, the mail, all those tasks are recurring.  They’ll NEVER truly be done.  Our List will never be crossed off completely.  And the hour you could have spent loving your spouse can never be regained.  I’ll do it later is not a good strategy for your love life.  And just think–if you’re the person being put at the bottom of the list, under dishes, cleaning the toilet or going through the junk mail,  how horrible that must feel!

There are just certain things that have to be prioritized.  And sex is one of them.  If your List is calling, calling, calling you, you’ve got to do your best to ignore it for an hour or so at least a few days a week.  I think you’ll feel better for it!  I mean, really, orgasm or dishes?  Hmmm, that’s a tough one!  Um, I’ll take the orgasms, thank you!

So ignore that stupid cross stitch yelling at you from the garbage!  Oh!  I mean the endless List of tasks we have.  And spend some fun time with your spouse.  If you have to put it on the list so that it’ll get done, put it on the list.  At the top!  That’s something you won’t regret.

 

Expected Sex

What does your husband want for his birthday?  The average, red blooded male wants SEX!  I’m pretty sure that’s what he wants for Valentines Day, Father’s Day, your wedding anniversary, Christmas and New Year’s.

Why is it hard for some of us to give our husbands what they want for these events?  This is the question our guys just can’t figure out.  First of all, you don’t have to shop for it.  Secondly, it’s FREE!  Plus, it’s what they really want!  Most importantly, it’s a gift that gives back, in a very nice way.

Oh, sure, there are other things that you don’t have to shop for and are free, like making a coupon for free hugs and backrubs (with no happy ending, I mean) or his favorite dinner or something, but I’m going to go out on a limb and say that a coupon for a free hug is not gonna cut it!  (The dinner will be appreciated, though, I’m sure!)  Anyway, I remember a time when expected sex just made me more standoffish than ever.  It really irritated me to think that I was expected to put out at those times.  That’s why I’ve written about being sexually giving, enthusiastically giving, etc., because I clearly remember when I wasn’t any of those things.  I was selfish.  I could not or did not care about Conan’s feelings, or, more kindly, didn’t understand and didn’t try to understand his feelings.   Recently, I’ve been somewhat on the receiving end of this.  I’m debating whether or not to blog about it–someday, maybe.  But I will tell you I know how it feels, now.  And that feeling is NOT GOOD AT ALL.  A big hug, little smooch and a “Happy [fill in the day], honey, I love you,” even if you mean it, before rolling over and going to sleep is small consolation for rejection.    That won’t make your spouse feel loved and cherished.  Actions speak louder than words.

If you love giving gifts, if your spouse loves receiving gifts, that’s great!  Go out and shop your little heart out.  But if what he or she really wants is to make love to you or be made love to, make that their number one present!

I’m going to give you a pass on Christmas Eve.  Especially if you’re like me and are up wrapping gifts ’til 3:00 a.m.  while your husband peacefully slumbers, allowing you to do all the work.  (I’m not sure Conan has ever wrapped a gift in his entire life, truthfully.)  Anyway, after an eventful day of last minute shopping, cooking, family gatherings, wrestling with kids to get them to go to bed, and THEN wrapping the gifts, all this girl wants is my fluffy pillow and sleep!!!  (Yes, if I was Ms. Superwoman and had all my gifts wrapped and ready to go beforehand, I could go to bed with my husband.  Ms. Superwoman I”m not.  Maybe this year–I still have a few days.)  You do not get a pass if your husband helps you with everything and you go to bed before midnight, haha!

Do you want sex in celebration of holidays and major events like anniversaries and birthdays?  Do you give sex for those events?  Why or why not?

Merry Christmas!

Dr. Laura Saved My Marriage

A good friend of mine recommended I listen to the Dr. Laura Schlessinger Show, oh, I’d say at least 15 years ago, now.  I began listening to her and really loved her.  I really enjoy her no nonsense style and what she says makes sense.  I listened to her because I always wanted to be a SAHM, and she was and is a huge proponent of SAHMs.  She was talking about and encouraging women to do just want I wanted to do and be, so I kept listening.   What I didn’t know is that Dr. Laura is also a huge proponent for MEN.  She gets them.  She hears from a lot of them.  And she knows how to make them happy.

I enjoy Dr. Laura’s website and reading the letters she gets from listeners.  While I was happily taking in all the letters from SAHMs, I would come across a letter from a man who wasn’t getting enough sex from his wife.  Since that didn’t concern me, I would read the letters, but not really GET them, if you know what I mean.  Same with her radio program.  I heard husbands talking about their wives refusing them, but I wasn’t really listening.   Along came The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands.  I thought, you know, I should read that book.  Dr. Laura seems to know a lot about being a good wife.  So I bought the book.  I read it.  I liked it.  I understood it.  But it didn’t really sink in.  I read it again.  Still good.  Still didn’t sink in.  I read it for the third time and became aware that I ought to actually be following her advice, not just reading about her advice!   It was around that time that all the letters to Dr. Laura I’d read, the calls to Dr. Laura I’d heard and the advice in her book came together and I GOT IT!!!

  • Don’t deny yourself a good orgasm.
  • But do I have to even if…?  Even if.
  • But my body’s not perfect!  Your husband doesn’t want you to have a perfect body. He just wants your naked body pressed against him.  
  • Stop saying no and start saying yes.
  • Be your husband’s girlfriend or someone else will.
  • Don’t put him off until he decides he’s had enough, because when the kids are all up and out, so will he be.
  • If he’s not horny, make him a sandwich (Conan’s favorite!).
  • You have the power in the relationship to make your husband worship the ground you walk on and swim through shark infested waters to bring you a lemonade.
  • Your husband wants and needs your love, admiration and respect.  He also needs sex with you.
  • YOU start being more sexual and then he’ll be more loving, giving, devoted, etc.  You CANNOT wait for him to be more (fill in the blank) and then be more sexual.  It’s up to you, the wife.

And then she said something profound on her program one day.  I clearly remember exactly where I was in my car when I heard her say it.  She said, and I’m paraphrasing here, “If you are refusing and withholding sex you are breaking your marriage vows just as surely as if you were committing adultery.”  It stopped me cold.  (Not literally, I was driving!) That struck me to the core.

And it was then and there that I really, truly changed.   Everything was not perfect overnight, and things had been steadily improving, but this was the catalyst that put that improvement into mach speed.

Many, many things I say here on this blog I can attribute to Dr. Laura in some way.  I owe her a great deal.  Dr. Laura literally saved my marriage.
p.s.  Conan likes her because she has a Harley and a tattoo.  HA!

But I’m Not In the Mood

But I’m not in the mood.  Shouldn’t I feel horny first?

This is what I think is one of the biggest misconceptions there is about married sex.  No!  You don’t need to feel horny first.  In fact, I’m sure most of you know that for women especially, arousal comes after things get started, and usually not before.  That can be the case for a man, as well.  I wonder if there are many men who start out just to please their wife and not become aroused at some point?

Do you ever do something even though you don’t feel like it?  What’s your attitude about it?   If you go into it with a good attitude, you’re more likely to feel good about it after the task is done.  And the people around you can tell the difference between something done grudgingly and something done cheerfully.  Sex works in a similar way.  You can bless your spouse with the gift of your willing, loving body, even when you don’t feel like it.  But don’t go into it like you’re about to get a root canal.  I suggest you put everything you can into it.   If you can’t get into it physically, get into it emotionally.  Remember how much you love your husband.  You know how to put on a happy face to do any number of things you don’t feel like doing.  But you do them, don’t you, because to not do it would hurt someone’s feelings or let someone down or cause someone stress and anxiety.  Who is THE most important person in your life?  If you answered your spouse, like I did, then we should all be doing everything we can to make our spouses happy.   A regular, average guy will feel so good and be so happy when he’s having his sexual needs met that it will spill over into his everyday life and he will treat you like a queen.

Yes, there were plenty of times when I didn’t feel like it.  And I said no many, many times more than  I said yes.  For a long time.  Because I didn’t feel like it, okay?  It’s my body, and I don’t have to do anything with it  that I don’t want to do, right?  He’s just being selfish and inconsiderate.  I am upset, angry, stressed, etc.  He won’t die, for heaven’s sake.  (No, you won’t die without sex.  But your marriage will.)  Giving myself some credit, there were lots of times I said yes, too.  Many times I would say yes, even though I didn’t feel like it, and I would end up having a great time.  Many times I would say yes when I didn’t feel like it, and have an okay time.  And yes, sometimes I’d say yes when I didn’t feel like it and feel, well, not a whole heck of a lot.   And sometimes, sometimes I wouldn’t like it at all.  I don’t say this to hurt Conan, but it is what it is, and I’m sure there are people who can relate to what I’m saying.  And very occasionally I’d do a hand job to tide Conan over for a while longer.   (Frankly, I would have rather have quickie sex than give an obligatory hand job.  It was  just easier for me.)  And at that time blow jobs were few and far between, and certainly no swallowing!  (I explain all that in   https://sexandtheldswoman.wordpress.com/2011/04/18/gasp-swallowing/ )

Then the day came that I made a commitment to myself that I would never say no again.  That I would be available no matter what.  And that I would put my all into every sexual encounter we had.  And because Conan is such a wonderful, considerate, caring lover, I got out of it as much as I put into it.   And practice makes perfect.  In the last 7 years there have only been a handful of times that Conan and I have had sex when I have not had at least one orgasm.  I can attribute every one of those times to a quickie for Conan just before he leaves for work or something.  I count those times as foreplay, because they always leave me hanging, so to speak, and so we continue that night.

I’ve discovered something about myself.  I don’t like rejection.  I don’t like to be told no.  And I don’t mean no in general (although I don’t necessarily like that, either!),  I mean no to sex in particular.   It’s not like a rejection of an activity.  It’s like a rejection of self.  It’s not like being told no, I can’t come to your Christmas party, or no, I can’t sub for you in Primary next Sunday.  It’s like being told no, I don’t want to give and be given the most intimate, personal, vulnerable part of yourself, and,  no, I don’t want to experience the greatest pleasure there is with you, and no, I don’t care if it hurts you.  I”m sure there are people who can articulate this better than I can.  People who are married to refusers and withholders are made of sterner stuff than I.  I have only been told no to sex a handful of times in my marriage, and it’s a painful sting.  I can’t imagine the pain of constant rejection like that.  It makes me feel horrible for all the pain I inflicted on my darling Conan.  I was BLIND to it.  And what I wasn’t blind to, I IGNORED and pretended it was ALL HIS PROBLEM.  Because, you see, I wasn’t “in the mood”, so, too bad, so sad for him.

I made a conscious decision to be in the mood when approached.  And then to be in the mood and do the approaching.  It took awhile, but after a time it became a non-issue for us.

Not in the mood?  Don’t let that stop you.  Either of you.   You can always be in the mood to give and care for your spouse the way no one else can.

Initiating

Conan got burned, denied, rejected, one too many times in our marriage.   The dice did not often land in his favor for a time.  And when he no longer had to push and push to get me to have sex with him, he stopped a lot of his initiating.

Now, In spite of me initiating regularly, telling him I’ll always be available, even telling him that he can wake me up in the night anytime he wants, he is still a bit gun shy.  So the other morning when he initiated, he mentioned that he was a little worried that I would say no.   And he still just tells me the next day that he woke up with an erection the night before, but didn’t want to bother me, figured I’d be too tired, or would just push him out of bed or something!  Every time he tells me that, I  tell him that next time he needs to wake me up.   He has only taken me up on my offer a handful of times.

I know he is supposed to be the main initiator in the relationship, but I do believe that a person can only take so much rejection.   And some emotional wounds leave scars.  Conan knows I won’t say no to him anymore.  I asked him how he felt about that and he said “Really great!”  (He’s so eloquent.)  He knows it intellectually and it makes him feel great, but I’m not sure when all that is going to completely overtake the years of no, maybe, not tonight, I’ll think about it, etc.  Don’t get me wrong, he does initiate, but it sometimes makes him nervous.  (Don’t tell him I told you that, ha ha!)  As time goes by he initiates more and more.  But I also don’t wait for him to initiate.  If he hasn’t for a few days, I take action.

So do men want their wives to initiate sex?  Yeah, I think so.  Perhaps not all the time, but at least one or two out of ten times, maybe more if they’ve been burned in the past.  More importantly, do they want their wives to accept them and say yes?  Yep, I know so.  Even big strong men need love, affirmation and acceptance.  They just might not word it exactly that way!  I think reacting warmly and positively to his advances is just as important and probably more so than initiating.

Oh, and one more thing:  Initiating makes me feel seeexxxyyyyyyyyy.  🙂

Stress and Sex

stress Meditation intended for stress aid

Conan works very hard.  He puts everything he has into his job.  He is working toward a big goal he has set for himself.  He is frequently stressed out and distracted, lately.  In fact, he has been so stressed out that he hasn’t had sex on the brain as much as he usually does.  I know, right?  What could possibly be wrong with the man?  Well, this goal is very, very important to him, and he is so focused that he can’t help it.  It’s all work, all the time.  And then he falls into bed mentally exhausted from all his efforts.  (By the way, I know that Conan will hit his goal.  He  is very good at what he does.  South Beach, here we come!)

Now, in days past, if he didn’t have sex on his mind, I would have used that as a good reason to take a break from sex for a while, and I would have liked it.  As the spouse who usually has the lower sex drive, I could just wait until he asks for it or shows some interest in it again.

But is that what I should do for Conan, who typically requires plenty of sex but just seems to have forgotten that little fact?   I don’t think that’s the answer.  So I’ll tell you what I’ve been doing.  He comes to bed with a glazed look on his face, and I can tell he’s just ready to sleep.  But I have other plans for that man, because I know what is best for him.  He has forgotten what is best for him, and all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.  So I make my move.  Conan laughs and says, I’m  tired.  HA!  I say.  That’s no excuse.  Let’s see if  “he”  feels the same way.  Conan has been known to say, “If you can get it up, you can have it.”  Hmmm.  Is that a challenge?  Invariably, “he”  is not as tired as Conan is and Conan ends up succumbing to my advances.  And then he is thanking me, from the bottom of his heart.  Of course, I can be heard to repeat “Thank you, Conan!”, over and over, myself.  😉  The couple times I have said, oh, okay, honey, just go to sleep, he has regretted it.

I feel that this keeps Conan from having too much stress.   When he gets like this, we don’t communicate much.  We don’t connect, and we are just existing next to each other, taking care of things that need to be done.   So making love is about the only way we have to be close.   I know I feel much more loving towards him, and I am able to tolerate him being a bit distant and short tempered, even.  This also keeps him from getting TOO distant and short tempered.

Hey!  I even did my research.  I Googled.  And I got an answer from WebMD.  “A big health benefit of sex is lower blood pressure and overall stress reduction” it says.  Not a big secret or anything, but I like to know that I figured something out that some people had to do a study to figure out, ha ha!

Would this work on me?  I don’t know.  Maybe.  I do know that in the years where I was saying no all the time, it would not have worked.  But now?  Now I realize just how emotionally beneficial to ME it is to make love.   I do know that more recently when there are trials in my life I want to turn TO Conan for comfort and pleasure, instead of AWAY from him to retreat into myself.   And I always feel better when I do that.   So if Conan can see that I”m boiling over with stress and thinks I could use a little “therapy”, I’ll acquiesce to his superior wisdom and let him have his way with me.   🙂

So my sage advice of the day  is if you are stressed out, get some “therapy”.  Have some sex!

1 Cor. 7:4-5

Prophets have taught that physical intimacy is a strong force in strengthening the love bond in marriage, enhancing and reinforcing marital unity. Indeed, it is the rightful gift of God to the married. As the Apostle Paul says,

“The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and like wise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife.’ Paul continues, ‘Depart ye not one from the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.” (JST, 1 Cor. 7:4–5,). Abstinence in marriage, Paul says, can cause unnecessary temptations and tensions, which are certainly harmful side effects.

From:  I Have a Question, Liahona, June 1980

Full article here:  http://lds.org/liahona/1980/06/i-have-a-question/i-have-a-question?lang=eng&query=marital+intimacy

(1 Cor. 7:4-5, KJV:  4. The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife.   5. Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.)

A few more side effects might be increased distance between the two of you, feelings of being unloved and unwanted by the spouse who wants and needs more frequency, diminished love and affection, feelings of resentment and anger, all of which I believe are just as harmful as the side effect of temptation and tensions.

In the quote above, the benefits of a satisfying sexual relationship in marriage can’t be stated strongly enough.  And let’s not forget it is a rightful GIFT from God, our Heavenly Father.  

Have a great Fast Sunday!  And here’s a great idea:  break your fast with a little lovin’ tonight!