New screen name

Hello to everyone out there.  I hope you are well and happy.  I am on the road to becoming so.

I have changed my name here on my blog.  My old name, zookie, is a derivative of my married last name.  Conan does not want me using it anymore and has asked me to change it.  So I’ve changed it to “sunnie”,  which reminds me of sunshine and sunflowers and yellow, my favorite color, and happiness.  Which makes me feel good.

It will be weird not to see zookie anymore, but life changes, doesn’t it?

Just so you know, I have a few topics swirling around in my head, which means that I will be putting up a new post in the near future if anyone is inclined to read it.  I’m slightly surprised that even though I haven’t posted for months, I still get lots of views to my blog, and even a few comments now and then.  Thanks to all who have commented!

I miss the interaction here on my blog.

Take care everyone!

sunnie

Was it Good for You?

One thing I think we all want is to know that our partner enjoyed themselves during sex.  And the obvious proof of enjoyment is the orgasm.  I THINK that for guys, even mediocre sex ends with an orgasm, even if not a whole lot else happens.  So we women think, oh, good, he got his orgasm, he’s happy, he enjoyed it.

For women, mediocre sex usually does NOT end with an orgasm, or begin with one, or have one in the middle, for that matter!   But your husband wants to know you’re enjoying it.  Probably hopes very much that you enjoy it.  But you’re just not into it tonight for whatever reason.  So…what can it hurt, it’ll make him happy…you fake it.

I went to my Bunco BFFs, of course, with this question:  Do you ever fake it and do you think faking it is okay?  The answer surprised me just a bit.  Every one of them said, they thought faking it was okay sometimes!  That it really doesn’t matter.  That it helps things along sometimes, and what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him, etc.   Then half went on to say, yes, they faked it occasionally, and the other half said, no, they never faked it.

But what about your husbands?  I asked them.  What would they think if they knew?  The consensus was:  Oh, well, he might not like it, but what’s a girl to do?  He won’t be satisfied until I have an orgasm.  What if I’m tired, not into it, etc.

My opinion is this:  If you’re not going to O for whatever reason, enjoy the touching, the holding, the kissing, but NEVER fake it.  In the long run, you’re not doing yourself any favors.  Why not, you ask?  Because if he thinks what he’s doing is getting you to orgasm he will probably do it again.   And it’s not going to work next time, either!  How’s the poor man supposed to learn your body?   How’s he supposed to know what works?  And…you may think you’re just stoking his ego.  Well, if he ever finds out it will totally deflate his ego, not boost it!

What do you think, guys?   If your wife is just trying to make you feel all manly and studly, would you be okay later knowing she had faked it?  Worse, would you be okay with it if you knew she faked it just to get it over with?   Somehow I think the answer is going to be mostly “No, I would NOT be okay with that.  No way.”

So ladies, just don’t fake it.  And, guys, here’s my one bit of advice for you.  If you don’t want your wife to fake it, don’t pressure her to have an orgasm.  (This is assuming that your wife does orgasm most of the time, of course.)   I guess what I mean by that is, don’t make it the end of the world if she says, honey, it just isn’t going to happen tonight.   Let it be okay.

Oh–one more thing.  I recently read that MEN fake orgasms, too.  Really??  How?  Um, what about…the semen?  Okay, guys,  will you please explain how it’s possible and why a man would do it?  I’m clueless.

Purity

I found myself falling into some old conditioning the other day.   There is a lovely young woman ( early 30’s) in my ward who is so sweet, so pure, so righteous, so spiritual, so talented, so pretty, so…everything…and the thought came to me that she seems soooooo good that she must not be sexual.  WHOA!  Where’d that come from?!?

I had to remind myself that being sexual is not sinful.  And it doesn’t disqualify anyone from being all the things she is–pure, sweet, righteous, spiritual, etc.

That bears repeating:  We are not sinning when we are sexual.    We are following a big part of God’s plan for happiness in marriage when we are sexual.  We are sexual beings.  We were created that way–not to torment us and make us feel bad, but to give us great pleasure and make us feel good and help our marriage!

Some people agree with me in theory.  Meaning, “oh, yes, it is right for me to have sex and have a family.”  But that’s not the same as enjoying and loving and having frequent sex. As in, “It’s probably not right for me to enjoy it.  I mean, I kind of feel guilty when I enjoy it and don’t they say that if you feel guilty about it you should discontinue it?”

News flash:  Not all guilt is productive or good or warranted.  Some is plain and simple conditioning.  Inaccurate, uninformed, passed down from generation to generation, wrong.

So while I don’t know if she’s embraced her sexuality and she and her husband have a rockin’ sex life (and I”m not about to ask, either, haha!), I do know that her sweetness and purity doesn’t automatically mean she’s turned off that part of herself.

It’s not either or.  We can and should embrace the sexual part of ourselves, just like we embrace the mother in us, the crafter or homemaker in us (if it’s in us…I didn’t get any crafter genes AT ALL.), the friend in us.  We can be many things and still be righteous, virtuous women.

Let’s all remember that when that old conditioning kicks in, shall we?

Can We Do That???

People find my blog all kinds of ways, but a very common way is an inquiry such as “Can my wife give me a blow job LDS” or “LDS hand job okay”  or “mutual masturbation, LDS marriage”, and so on.  (Oh-one of my favorite is “Sexy Mormon Women”.  Yep, people find my blog with that search.  Okay, okay, I’ll admit it, that’s me!  hahahaha!)

The General Authorities do NOT have a list of sex acts that are forbidden or approved floating around out there.  They’re not in the sex police business.  Sex is your private business.  It’s between the two of you, for you to decide, for you to enjoy.

Oh, what about The Letter?  Okay, I admit that is floating around on the Internet, along with any number of opinions on the subject of all manner of sexual things having to do with our religion.  I refuse to discuss The Letter, except to say that it’s not relevant, current or applicable.  Go discuss it elsewhere.  (I hate arguing and conflict.)   But what about that book I read by Bro and Sis So and So that said oral sex was wrong?  What about (very spiritual and just-about-to-be-Translated ward member) who told me that only whores and sluts do anal and you will go to hell if you do it?  You don’t have to listen to them!!!  Your sex life is your sex life.  It’s between you and your spouse.

I’m just one woman, not even an important one, with an opinion.  And my opinion is, if you want to do it…DO IT!  Oh, zookie, but what about…..Yes, do THAT, TOO!  (Oh:  Unless it has to do with animals.  Do NOT do that.  AAaahhahahahaha! )  Touch, kiss, lick, suck, pinch, spank, slap, squeeze, (I think I”ll stop there, whew!) whatever part of your spouse’s body you want or they want.  If it feels good, do it.   That’s my opinion.

“If it feels good, do it.”  That was a common phrase held up as an absolute no-no when I was growing up.   We were NOT supposed to do something just because it felt good.  In fact, if it felt good, I’m pretty sure we thought we’d go straight to hell if we did it!   Here’s the thing:  we weren’t married then.  If you are, then guess what?  You CAN do it, and you don’t even have to go see your bishop about doing it!  I think there’s some kind of residual guilt or shame in a lot of us about that. If it’s not PIV, missionary position, one and done, vanilla sex and it feels soooooo good, it might not be natural and has to be just plain wrong.  Oh, and if I feel guilty about it I’m supposed to discontinue the practice!  (News flash:  not all guilt is good, healthy or from a positive source. )

You do not need permission from your Bishop, Stake President or our General Authorities to do something in bed with your spouse.   And I”m pretty sure they aren’t going to give it to you, even if you ask.

Have I convinced you?  Good!  Now it’s your job to convince your reluctant spouse.  Good luck with that.  🙂

Things are Changing

Things are changing in my life.  When I started this blog, I was in a really good place in my marriage.  I felt like the things I was blogging about were helping me build a stronger marriage, as well as helping others do the same.  Also, as I’ve said, I really wanted to get something positive about sex and LDS people out there for people to see other than the mostly crap I’d found online.

A nice person commented that he thought Conan and I had a great relationship.  I replied that we had had lots of ups and downs in our marriage and this was a great upswing that I hoped would and expected to continue.  Unfortunately, that has not been the case.

Things started going downhill last September.   The next nine months were the tipping point for me.   It was in late May and June that things completely broke down.   I’m not going to go into any detail about our situation other than to state that things are essentially over for us.  I don’t take lightly all the years of our marriage, and I’m not making any hasty decisions, but I see no future anymore for Conan and me.    I also want to make clear that this is not due to infidelity.

Why am I telling you all this?  Well, I don’t know how to go on with my blog anymore.  I love my blog!  I love the people who come here, read and comment.  I still believe in marriage and good sex in marriage.  However, I can’t hold my own marriage up as an example anymore.  I feel slightly hypocritical.  Have more sex!  Have good sex!  It will help your marriage!  I have been saying.  And now my own marriage is basically dead.

Well, I still feel that everything I’ve said is true.  There are so many other factors that have mixed together to bring me to this place I am in now.  Plus, I’m still LDS, I’m still a woman, and I still like to talk about sex.  So I’m going to continue with my blog, I just won’t be using current examples of Conan and me to make my points.

I appreciate everyone who comes to my blog, reads and comments.  I feel that I’ve made a few friends and I’m happy about that, too!  Thanks so much!  And look for more posts from me…I’m not done blogging!

More on Masturbation

The Mormon Therapist has put out a very good post about masturbation, here.  She really presents her case well.  I have not had the opportunity to read all the comments that followed, but I did skim some of them and they are mostly positive.  The most bizarre comment I’ve seen (so far) is that masturbation leads to pornography and homosexuality.  Huh.  Where’d they get THAT idea?  Possibly some over-zealous leader or parent, I don’t know.  But that one made me laugh out loud!  On second thought, that’s a scary opinion, and quite possibly dangerous, too.  It’s also a good example of how people are mis-taught as youth.  That person teaches that to his/her children and so on.  YIKES!

The sad comments are from men who were kept from advancement in the Priesthood as boys because of it, who attempted suicide because they could not squelch their sexuality, because they could not completely stop something so hardwired into our bodies.

Over the years I’ve had lots of different thoughts about it.  When I was young I did masturbate.  Of course, I learned that it was wrong like we all did, and I stopped doing it.  I learned that one of my brother’s was having a challenge with masturbation and was having to work to overcome it or something.  At the time I thought to myself, what utter nonsense.  Masturbation is something so serious it has to be overcome???  But it was my dad who was talking to me about it, and he firmly, truly believes masturbation is a sin.  So I went with what my dad taught and believed.  I trust him and his counsel for everything.  Why not that, too?  I always did wonder how that could be right, though.

So I made a kind of compromise, where masturbation wasn’t ALL bad, but you shouldn’t do it just because, and you should try not to do it when you are single.  See the bishop over it?  Not in my opinion.  Anyway, I personally stayed away from it.  Now I’ve read a lot of people’s stories about it and done a lot of thinking about it over the last year or so, and I made up my own mind and came to the same conclusion as Natalie (The Mormon Therapist).

Then I really, really broke out of my comfort zone and started actually doing it.  *GASP*  Turns out it is really nice ;-).  And I have had some very positive results (besides the obvious, of course).

I do have real life friends who read this blog, and so I don’t want to get too explicit, but what the heck, I’ve revealed a lot in some of my other posts *blush*, so…

Through masturbating, I’ve learned that I can orgasm multiple, multiple times.  I have not reached a “limit”, yet, as in, nope, no more are happening.  I’ve just ran out of time.  So the sky is the limit, I do believe haha!   Also, I’ve learned that I can have female ejaculation.  (That’s a great subject for another post, because I get all kinds of hits on my blog from people wanting to know about that.)  I think the best side benefit, though, is how easily and quickly it can happen for me now.  No mental effort involved anymore.  Compare that to how difficult it once was for me, and how I could only get one, and it had to be a certain way, etc.  Nice!

If you are searching for answers about this masturbation question you will get good ones from Natalie’s post.  I highly recommend her.  Thank you, Natalie!

 

Anatomy Lessons

I recently talked to a 50-year-old woman who told me she didn’t even know what a clitoris was until she was 30 years old.  As you can guess, she also didn’t orgasm up to that point, either.  I asked her if the reason she finally had an orgasm was because her next husband knew about female anatomy.  She said, no, it was an accident.  We weren’t able to get into how she learned about the clitoris, or how her current husband learned about it.

I was appalled.  How can a woman not know about her clitoris?  Well, let’s see.  Her mother didn’t tell her, it’s very likely her mother didn’t even know, herself.  She apparently didn’t discuss such things with her girlfriends, either.  She never read a Penthouse Forum or a steamy, graphically termed novel.     She didn’t read a book like “The Joy of Sex”.   She probably didn’t even read, “Are You There, God, It’s Me, Margaret” by Judy Blume, which was scandalous for mentioning  female masturbation.  Gasp!!!  And she certainly didn’t discover it by accident through self exploration, the way I’m pretty sure many women do.

Then my bestie, Ms. Canon, who has commented here a total of one, yep, ONE time ;), reminded me that I was the one who told HER what a clitoris was.  We were about 15, I think.  There’s a story to that, an inside joke that wouldn’t be funny in the slightest to anyone but us.  When she reminded me of it we laughed and laughed!  And, yep, I did have to explain to her what a clitoris was.  Even back then my favorite subject was sex!   She is very thankful to me for that, uh-huh!

My daughter told me that the clitoris was discussed in her health class, too.  It certainly wasn’t when I was in school.  That part of the female anatomy might as well have not existed, at all!  Why not?  Because it has no other function that pleasure and orgasm?  Scandalous!!!  That a woman might know how to get an orgasm, and what part of her body is required, was as taboo as anything else. “You’ll find out when you’re married” obviously is not a good way of dealing with it!

How did I know my anatomy, you ask?  Well, in all honesty, I cannot remember how I learned about the clitoris.   I do remember how I learned about the rest of the female anatomy, though.  Very simple.  I read and studied the little diagram on the instruction paper in my mom’s tampon box.  Yep.  I used to look at it all the time.

I got to thinking, does my daughter know about her anatomy?  I can’t remember telling her about it.  So one day in the car I asked her, do you know what your clitoris is?  Yes, Mom, you told me that already–awkward!!!  She says to me.  hee hee!  I love embarrassing her.   Well, you need to know these things, honey.  I tell her.  No I don’t, Mom, I’m only 13!!!

Well, she does need to know these things.  All men and women need to know these things.  Let’s make sure our kids know about their bodies and the bodies of the opposite sex.  Hiding it, being ashamed and embarrassed, hoping they’ll figure it out, those things just don’t cut it as lots of men and women have learned the hard way.

Passionate Kiss by Rabi Kahn

Beautiful, huh?  I love abstract art, and this one is lovely.

I’m posting this at my dear reader, CM’s, request to get RID of the “I Feel Fat” title and the picture of the scale as the first thing one sees when coming to my blog.  Request granted!!  Next–a post!  Gasp!  Yep, a real post.  Coming soon to my blog.

Love,

zookie

Happy Easter!

Therefore we are buried with him by baptism into death: that like as Christ was raised up from the dead by the glory of the Father, even so we also should walk in newness of life.  Romans 6:4

Christ the Lord is risen today!  Hallelujah!

This is my most favorite Easter song of all time.  “He is the Root and the Offspring of David”, performed by the MoTab.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FM0HFPvkU3M

I have had the extreme pleasure of singing this song in a Stake Choir for a special Easter performance.  It is wonderful to sing or listen to this beautiful piece.  Enjoy!

love,

zookie

 

 

A Woman’s Hair

I HATE my hair and want to chop it all off!!!!  Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!  My 13-year-old daughter shrieked as she ripped bobby pins out of her hair and slammed out of the bathroom.  Calm down, sweetie, it’s fine, I soothe.  NO, it’s NOT!  she responds in typical dramatic fashion.   I smile at her histrionics and remember those days.  A few minutes later she comes back in the bathroom and says to me, your hair looks good, Mom.  What??  I say, no, no, no, it looks like CRAP right now.  I haven’t even styled it yet!  I would NEVER leave the house looking like this!  Mom, you’re crazy, your hair looks fine, she says to me.  She doesn’t see the irony of the situation.  Haha!

I’ll say this about my hair.  I want it to be pretty.  I want it to make me feel pretty.  And I always want it to make me feel sexy.  Always.   I don’t care about my nails, I don’t care about a tan.  But my hair MUST be perfect.  (Oh, I wish.  It actually does what it wants when it wants and gives me fits every day.)  And good hair makes me feel sexy.  More than clothes or jewelry, and slightly more than makeup.  Sexy hair and minimal makeup works.  Good makeup and crappy hair doesn’t work AT ALL.

My relationship with my hair, and make no mistake, it is a relationship, can be pretty rocky at times.  Three times in my life I’ve had short hair.  I kept forgetting that I HATE my hair cut short.  I was a senior in high school the first time I cut it short.  I can’t remember WHY I cut my hair short, but I did.  It wasn’t all that bad, but it just didn’t make me feel pretty.  I was about 23 when I went into the salon and decided it would be “fun” to get an entirely new look.  My stylist convinced me to go short.  That’s the style these days, she reasoned.  You’ll look so fashionable and up-to-date.  Off went a good 12 inches of beautiful, dark chocolate brown curls (those were the days of permed hair, if you can remember that far back).  Maybe more.  It was all over the ground around me.  Convinced I was going to look “soooo cute”, I was happy to see it all gone.  For about two days, that is.

Fast forward about 15 years.  I’m having a hormone induced fit about my hair.  I can’t do anything with it.  I have spent the last half an hour messing with it and it still looks crappy.  It sucks.  I HATE it and want to chop it all off!!!!!  So I impulsively jump into the car and drive up the road to the no-appointment-needed salon.  I plop myself down in the chair and say, I’m SICK of this hair.  Chop it ALL OFF!  After a dubious, are you sure?  And me answering a decisive YES!  My little stylist happily obliged.  Those stylists can’t wait to get their evil little scissors into long hair.  Snip, snip, snip, and my hair is short.  Not as short as the last time (which in my hormonal fit I had completely forgotten about) but still, pretty darn short for me.  Once again, it took about as long for me to regret it as it did for my PMS to go away.  About two days.  Then it took me three years to grow it out to an acceptable length.  Since then I’ve kept it long.  My advice to my daughter just the other day:  Never, NEVER, EVER get your hair cut when you have PMS.  You WILL regret it.

It’s really long now, it brushes just below my bra strap down my back. I just measured it and it’s 24 inches from crown to ends.  My long hair makes me feel sensuous and sexy.  My hair is like lingerie or sexy shoes.  It’s much better, actually, because it’s something Conan absolutely LOVES.  It makes me look and feel good.  I like the feel of it brushing against my bare skin.  It spreads invitingly out on a pillow.  It falls, a feminine curtain, around my face.  It pools on Conan’s stomach and thighs.   It is just long enough to almost cover…

All right, enough about me.  I think women want their hair to be sexy or sassy or cute or pretty, and if it is, we feel better about ourselves and that translates into feeling better sexually, too.  I also think that our hair and how we take care of it says a lot about how we feel about ourselves in general.  That’s just been my observation, of course, no scientific studies or anything, so feel free to completely disagree.   I think a woman who likes her hair is more likely to like herself!

Now, what happens when our hair starts to turn gray?  Most of us color it, some of us let it go.  This has been bothering me for a couple years, now.   I still have very little gray.  In fact, it has just been this year that I can see it without picking through my hair to find the grays.  For the last five years or so I’ve simply plucked out the few grays that grow in. When I found my first gray hair I screamed (literally) bloody murder and scared the crap out of Conan.  He got extremely put out with me and told me never to do that again.  I told him don’t worry, I wouldn’t, because my life was officially over and he might as well start digging my grave and kill me.  (You don’t wonder where my daughter gets it anymore, do you?)

I may not be screaming anymore, but it is incredibly depressing to see those gray hairs.  Blah.  I’ve reached the point where I need to start coloring my hair.   This whole business makes me feel extremely UN-sexy.  Call me vain, shallow, narcissistic, I don’t mind, Conan’s been calling me those things for years, HA!  I HATE that I’m getting older and getting wrinkles and gray hair.  HATE IT!  And I’m having to adjust my thinking about sex just a bit again.   Oh, sure, I was pleasantly surprised at 40 when I didn’t shrivel up and die on the spot and my sex drive charged up like a Lamborghini, but NOW, what about being a gray-haired old lady grandma?

Oh, and why is it okay for men to go gray but not for women?  Just a little graying at the temples hints at maturity, strength, character, and is just a bit sexy.  On a man.   Graying temples on a woman makes me think that woman has been neglecting herself, at the very least.  Sexy it is NOT.  Blah to that.    (Sorry if that’s judgmental, it’s my one character flaw!) And OMG!  What about gray hairs “down there”???  Gasp!  Okay, that settles it, I’m bare for life or until I’m physically unable to de-hair myself anymore.

So I tried coloring my hair a couple years ago.  What a horrible thing that was.  I could tell it wasn’t the same color and it was a little bit red.  I HATED it.  Can you see all that redness on the ends?

Don’t get me wrong, I like red hair.  It’s beautiful.  On some one else!  If you want to have red hair, natural or otherwise, go  for it!  But I DO NOT want red hair.  My hair is chocolate brown.  Dark chocolate brown.  And I want to keep it that way.  I am petrified of trying to color it again.   If I want to get rid of that pesky gray hair I’m going to have to try again, though.  SIGH.  I suppose that any color is better than gray, so what am I crying about?  I’m saying a long, drawn out goodbye to my youth, that’s what, and it isn’t pleasant.

How’s a girl supposed to feel sexy with wrinkles and gray hair?  I don’t know yet.   I do know one thing, I’m not going to let wrinkles and gray hair stop me from enjoying myself in bed, that is for sure.  The days of denying myself and Conan pleasure because of my perceived flaws are loooooonnnng gone.  I’ve learned that much over the years.  No matter how we look or how old we get, we still want and need a good orgasm.  Or two.  Or more.  🙂  Gray hairs be damned.

It’s time to start shopping for a good color, I suppose.