New screen name

Hello to everyone out there.  I hope you are well and happy.  I am on the road to becoming so.

I have changed my name here on my blog.  My old name, zookie, is a derivative of my married last name.  Conan does not want me using it anymore and has asked me to change it.  So I’ve changed it to “sunnie”,  which reminds me of sunshine and sunflowers and yellow, my favorite color, and happiness.  Which makes me feel good.

It will be weird not to see zookie anymore, but life changes, doesn’t it?

Just so you know, I have a few topics swirling around in my head, which means that I will be putting up a new post in the near future if anyone is inclined to read it.  I’m slightly surprised that even though I haven’t posted for months, I still get lots of views to my blog, and even a few comments now and then.  Thanks to all who have commented!

I miss the interaction here on my blog.

Take care everyone!

sunnie

Happy Valentines Day

Hi to all!  I hope you are well.  I miss You.

I would love to know how Valentines Day went for you.  What did you do, give, get?  Do you love or hate Valentines Day?   Does Valentines Day fall into one of those expected sex days?

For Valentines Day I got myself a pair of very cute hot pink pumps.   LOVE them!

Today I’m thinking of a friend I used to have.   She would obsess over what her boyfriend did or did not get her.  She could NOT simply be happy that he got her a gift, she had to analyze, really OVER analyze, what he got her.  The gift had to be exactly right and perfect.  Or he just didn’t LOVE her enough.  He didn’t KNOW her well enough.  He didn’t LISTEN or PAY ATTENTION to her enough.   Good grief.  The poor man could not win.  No matter what.  And I saw him get her some lovely, wonderful gifts over the years.   It just never seemed to be the right thing.   And then guess what?  Yep.  No sex for him.   He most obviously didn’t deserve it.

I tried to help her to understand that not all of us are great at gift giving.  Some of us SUCK at it.   Possibly even me!   Yep.  I’m a terrible gift giver.  I never know what to get.  I try.  Believe me.  I just don’t have the talent for knowing what someone wants.  Or remembering the little side comment or that time in the store when my recipient said, oh, I’d just LOVE to have that.  *sigh*  My BFFs are fantastic gift givers.  Maybe some day some of that will rub off.  Until then…I’ll just keep trying.  :)

My only problem with Valentine’s Day  is the unachievable expectations placed on people (read…men…usually).  Oh, I’m sure some of us get it right.  That guy went to Jared, that kind of thing.   But I’m thinking that even the perfect gift on the perfect day of the year cannot substitute for loving, caring, listening, giving, all year round.

So I hope you are not fretting too much over what you did or didn’t get for Valentines Day.   I do hope you had some rockin’ sex if you could.  And I hope you feel loved all year round.

Was it Good for You?

One thing I think we all want is to know that our partner enjoyed themselves during sex.  And the obvious proof of enjoyment is the orgasm.  I THINK that for guys, even mediocre sex ends with an orgasm, even if not a whole lot else happens.  So we women think, oh, good, he got his orgasm, he’s happy, he enjoyed it.

For women, mediocre sex usually does NOT end with an orgasm, or begin with one, or have one in the middle, for that matter!   But your husband wants to know you’re enjoying it.  Probably hopes very much that you enjoy it.  But you’re just not into it tonight for whatever reason.  So…what can it hurt, it’ll make him happy…you fake it.

I went to my Bunco BFFs, of course, with this question:  Do you ever fake it and do you think faking it is okay?  The answer surprised me just a bit.  Every one of them said, they thought faking it was okay sometimes!  That it really doesn’t matter.  That it helps things along sometimes, and what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him, etc.   Then half went on to say, yes, they faked it occasionally, and the other half said, no, they never faked it.

But what about your husbands?  I asked them.  What would they think if they knew?  The consensus was:  Oh, well, he might not like it, but what’s a girl to do?  He won’t be satisfied until I have an orgasm.  What if I’m tired, not into it, etc.

My opinion is this:  If you’re not going to O for whatever reason, enjoy the touching, the holding, the kissing, but NEVER fake it.  In the long run, you’re not doing yourself any favors.  Why not, you ask?  Because if he thinks what he’s doing is getting you to orgasm he will probably do it again.   And it’s not going to work next time, either!  How’s the poor man supposed to learn your body?   How’s he supposed to know what works?  And…you may think you’re just stoking his ego.  Well, if he ever finds out it will totally deflate his ego, not boost it!

What do you think, guys?   If your wife is just trying to make you feel all manly and studly, would you be okay later knowing she had faked it?  Worse, would you be okay with it if you knew she faked it just to get it over with?   Somehow I think the answer is going to be mostly “No, I would NOT be okay with that.  No way.”

So ladies, just don’t fake it.  And, guys, here’s my one bit of advice for you.  If you don’t want your wife to fake it, don’t pressure her to have an orgasm.  (This is assuming that your wife does orgasm most of the time, of course.)   I guess what I mean by that is, don’t make it the end of the world if she says, honey, it just isn’t going to happen tonight.   Let it be okay.

Oh–one more thing.  I recently read that MEN fake orgasms, too.  Really??  How?  Um, what about…the semen?  Okay, guys,  will you please explain how it’s possible and why a man would do it?  I’m clueless.

Purity

I found myself falling into some old conditioning the other day.   There is a lovely young woman ( early 30′s) in my ward who is so sweet, so pure, so righteous, so spiritual, so talented, so pretty, so…everything…and the thought came to me that she seems soooooo good that she must not be sexual.  WHOA!  Where’d that come from?!?

I had to remind myself that being sexual is not sinful.  And it doesn’t disqualify anyone from being all the things she is–pure, sweet, righteous, spiritual, etc.

That bears repeating:  We are not sinning when we are sexual.    We are following a big part of God’s plan for happiness in marriage when we are sexual.  We are sexual beings.  We were created that way–not to torment us and make us feel bad, but to give us great pleasure and make us feel good and help our marriage!

Some people agree with me in theory.  Meaning, “oh, yes, it is right for me to have sex and have a family.”  But that’s not the same as enjoying and loving and having frequent sex. As in, “It’s probably not right for me to enjoy it.  I mean, I kind of feel guilty when I enjoy it and don’t they say that if you feel guilty about it you should discontinue it?”

News flash:  Not all guilt is productive or good or warranted.  Some is plain and simple conditioning.  Inaccurate, uninformed, passed down from generation to generation, wrong.

So while I don’t know if she’s embraced her sexuality and she and her husband have a rockin’ sex life (and I”m not about to ask, either, haha!), I do know that her sweetness and purity doesn’t automatically mean she’s turned off that part of herself.

It’s not either or.  We can and should embrace the sexual part of ourselves, just like we embrace the mother in us, the crafter or homemaker in us (if it’s in us…I didn’t get any crafter genes AT ALL.), the friend in us.  We can be many things and still be righteous, virtuous women.

Let’s all remember that when that old conditioning kicks in, shall we?

I Don’t Want To

I’ve been sharing lots of good things with all of you.  Happy things.  But life is not all sunshine and roses, is it?  Today I’m going to share some of the bad and the ugly.  The really ugly.  My ugly.  Deep breath…

Here goes.

During the worst time sexually in our marriage, I wanted almost nothing to do with sex.  I told my girlfriend that if someone told me that I’d never have sex again in my life I’d look at that person, say, “Please pass the salt,” and go on with my dinner.  Conan was a virile, healthy, testosterone filled man, and that was pretty much unacceptable to him, of course!  So when I’d done everything I could do to avoid it and he’d done everything he could do to get it, I would agree to sex.

I remember those times very well.  I’d go in the bathroom to get ready.   I’d sit there and say to myself, “I don’t want to, I don’t want to, I don’t want to.”  And then I’d tell myself, well, too bad.  You’re going to do it anyway.  This is important!  Sometimes I’d masturbate a little to get things going, and sometimes I’d go in cold and wait for things to get going.  Nine times out of ten it was good for me.  And then we’d start all over again.  Avoidance, rejection, cajoling, pressuring, asking, asking, asking, until I couldn’t take that anymore and I’d agree to sex again.

That was a very tough time for me and a very tough time for Conan, too.   Keeping Conan satisfied sexually made life easier.  For me and for him.

Fast forward to today.   Conan and I are living in the same house, sleeping in the same bed, going on with life in the same way.  Except…a couple months without sex was making Conan a very, very miserable man.  On top of the emotional breakdown of our marriage, going cold turkey celibate was too much.

So we did some negotiating.  Conan said that if we could resume our sex life, it would make it easier on him to live in this strange marriage that we’re in now.  He wanted three times a week.  I said, no, how about once a week.  We settled on two times a week.  Sigh.  I find myself in the exact same situation I was in before.  Giving Conan tons of credit, he is a good lover and he makes sure things are good for me.   But the first time I started crying right in the middle of it.  Yep, tears streaming down my face.  Conan was otherwise occupied and didn’t notice, thankfully.  (If he reads this, he’ll know, I guess.)  I managed to get my emotions in check and go on and it turned out good.  Later, though, I cried some more.  I told all this to the counselor I’ve been seeing.  She says it’s because I’m the type of person who can’t have sex without an emotional connection.   Well, I can, and I know I can.  I just don’t particularly care for it.  Emotionally.  Physically things are more than fine.

And…it’s making life bearable for Conan, and so makes life more bearable for me, too.  Just like before.

Don’t be too hard on Conan, I’m the instigator in this whole mess.   So if I can make things easier in some ways, shouldn’t I?  I think so.

Wow, I’m living in the Twilight Zone.

Can We Do That???

People find my blog all kinds of ways, but a very common way is an inquiry such as “Can my wife give me a blow job LDS” or “LDS hand job okay”  or “mutual masturbation, LDS marriage”, and so on.  (Oh-one of my favorite is “Sexy Mormon Women”.  Yep, people find my blog with that search.  Okay, okay, I’ll admit it, that’s me!  hahahaha!)

The General Authorities do NOT have a list of sex acts that are forbidden or approved floating around out there.  They’re not in the sex police business.  Sex is your private business.  It’s between the two of you, for you to decide, for you to enjoy.

Oh, what about The Letter?  Okay, I admit that is floating around on the Internet, along with any number of opinions on the subject of all manner of sexual things having to do with our religion.  I refuse to discuss The Letter, except to say that it’s not relevant, current or applicable.  Go discuss it elsewhere.  (I hate arguing and conflict.)   But what about that book I read by Bro and Sis So and So that said oral sex was wrong?  What about (very spiritual and just-about-to-be-Translated ward member) who told me that only whores and sluts do anal and you will go to hell if you do it?  You don’t have to listen to them!!!  Your sex life is your sex life.  It’s between you and your spouse.

I’m just one woman, not even an important one, with an opinion.  And my opinion is, if you want to do it…DO IT!  Oh, zookie, but what about…..Yes, do THAT, TOO!  (Oh:  Unless it has to do with animals.  Do NOT do that.  AAaahhahahahaha! )  Touch, kiss, lick, suck, pinch, spank, slap, squeeze, (I think I”ll stop there, whew!) whatever part of your spouse’s body you want or they want.  If it feels good, do it.   That’s my opinion.

“If it feels good, do it.”  That was a common phrase held up as an absolute no-no when I was growing up.   We were NOT supposed to do something just because it felt good.  In fact, if it felt good, I’m pretty sure we thought we’d go straight to hell if we did it!   Here’s the thing:  we weren’t married then.  If you are, then guess what?  You CAN do it, and you don’t even have to go see your bishop about doing it!  I think there’s some kind of residual guilt or shame in a lot of us about that. If it’s not PIV, missionary position, one and done, vanilla sex and it feels soooooo good, it might not be natural and has to be just plain wrong.  Oh, and if I feel guilty about it I’m supposed to discontinue the practice!  (News flash:  not all guilt is good, healthy or from a positive source. )

You do not need permission from your Bishop, Stake President or our General Authorities to do something in bed with your spouse.   And I”m pretty sure they aren’t going to give it to you, even if you ask.

Have I convinced you?  Good!  Now it’s your job to convince your reluctant spouse.  Good luck with that.  :)

Things are Changing

Things are changing in my life.  When I started this blog, I was in a really good place in my marriage.  I felt like the things I was blogging about were helping me build a stronger marriage, as well as helping others do the same.  Also, as I’ve said, I really wanted to get something positive about sex and LDS people out there for people to see other than the mostly crap I’d found online.

A nice person commented that he thought Conan and I had a great relationship.  I replied that we had had lots of ups and downs in our marriage and this was a great upswing that I hoped would and expected to continue.  Unfortunately, that has not been the case.

Things started going downhill last September.   The next nine months were the tipping point for me.   It was in late May and June that things completely broke down.   I’m not going to go into any detail about our situation other than to state that things are essentially over for us.  I don’t take lightly all the years of our marriage, and I’m not making any hasty decisions, but I see no future anymore for Conan and me.    I also want to make clear that this is not due to infidelity.

Why am I telling you all this?  Well, I don’t know how to go on with my blog anymore.  I love my blog!  I love the people who come here, read and comment.  I still believe in marriage and good sex in marriage.  However, I can’t hold my own marriage up as an example anymore.  I feel slightly hypocritical.  Have more sex!  Have good sex!  It will help your marriage!  I have been saying.  And now my own marriage is basically dead.

Well, I still feel that everything I’ve said is true.  There are so many other factors that have mixed together to bring me to this place I am in now.  Plus, I’m still LDS, I’m still a woman, and I still like to talk about sex.  So I’m going to continue with my blog, I just won’t be using current examples of Conan and me to make my points.

I appreciate everyone who comes to my blog, reads and comments.  I feel that I’ve made a few friends and I’m happy about that, too!  Thanks so much!  And look for more posts from me…I’m not done blogging!