I Feel Fat

I feel fat today.  Well, I do.  Don’t ask me to explain it.  Don’t try to talk me out of it.  It’s not rational, it’s not logical, it’s not even physically possible to be not fat yesterday and fat today.  But I took one look at myself this morning and went, ewwww, ga-ros!  I’m so fat.  This psychological phenomenon changes the way I feel about everything.  My clothes look bad on me.  I can’t make my hair do what I want.  Then I start nitpicking.  Yuck, look at those wrinkles.  Look at that nose.

As a complete aside, I’ve had a love, hate (mostly hate) relationship with my nose my entire life.  My grandfather died three years ago.  I was sitting in the viewing room, looking and looking at him in his coffin, when I realized with a start that I had my grandfather’s nose.  I love him so much and he is, I mean was, so amazingly handsome, even as a 90-year-old man.  I now love my nose.  For that reason, only.

So back to the story…look at that nose.  My teeth are not perfect.  My smile is crooked.  Look at this, look at that.  My  tummy, legs, butt, feet, etc.  Ugh!  Before 10 minutes have passed, I’ve now condemned every part of myself as ugly and gross.

Now, when I was in my 20′s and 30′s, this would have been a 100% DO NOT TOUCH day.  Gross, don’t touch me, I’m fat.  Stop, yuck, I’m ugly.  You don’t want this.  I don’t want you to see this.  NO ONE is going to touch or see this, period.

Our men have to deal with this nonsense.  Honey, you look fine to me.  Don’t lie to me!  Don’t tell me that!  You have to say that because you Just Want Sex.  The man can’t win.  If he says, Yep, honey, you’re fat.  That’s a definite no no.  Then he gets, You’re so mean!  I KNOW I’m fat!  I’m gross!  Never touch me again!  If he says, honey, you’re beautiful, he gets, Stop lying to me!

Do other women have this happen to them?  Or am I the only one?  Oh, and it’s not PMS, in case you were wondering.  I suppose that might be a good explanation if it was PMS, but it’s not.    Good grief, why do things have to be so complicated???  Why can’t I just look in the mirror and see myself for how I am and like it?  Why must I analyze, scrutinize and criticize myself?  And why does my psychological view of myself affect my sexuality so much?   I guess it makes sense, since sexuality has to do with nakedness and all flaws being seen.  You can’t hide your flaws when you’re naked.  Sometimes when I feel this way I dive under the covers!  That’s how it’s done in the movies; sheets draped artfully here and there to hide some and show some.  Why not real life, ha ha!

I don’t have the answer on how to stop this “I’m fat” feeling.  All I know is I have to work through it.  I have learned to work through it.  Part of that came from actually, truly being fat, and now knowing the difference between being fat and feeling fat.  I also decided I couldn’t allow my feelings about my body, which are completely subjective, to affect my sex life.  I still want to hide myself.  I still don’t want to look at myself or want anyone else, even Conan, to see me, when I feel this way.  So I pretend like I feel beautiful and sexy and act as if I am and it seems to work.

Hey, I just looked in the mirror and guess what?  I don’t look THAT bad.  Okay, maybe I’m not FAT.  Maybe I’m just pleasantly plump.  My clothes still fit me.  I didn’t eat too much today.  And I didn’t skip my workouts so far this week.  Oh, and I didn’t gain weight, either.  Okay, I guess I can get naked.

In a couple days I’ll wake up and feel beautiful again.  If anyone has an explanation for that bit of craziness, let me know.  I know I can’t afford how much I’d have to pay a psychologist to figure it out!

Happy Easter!

Therefore we are buried with him by baptism into death: that like as Christ was raised up from the dead by the glory of the Father, even so we also should walk in newness of life.  Romans 6:4

Christ the Lord is risen today!  Hallelujah!

This is my most favorite Easter song of all time.  ”He is the Root and the Offspring of David”, performed by the MoTab.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FM0HFPvkU3M

I have had the extreme pleasure of singing this song in a Stake Choir for a special Easter performance.  It is wonderful to sing or listen to this beautiful piece.  Enjoy!

love,

zookie

 

 

A Woman’s Hair

I HATE my hair and want to chop it all off!!!!  Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!  My 13-year-old daughter shrieked as she ripped bobby pins out of her hair and slammed out of the bathroom.  Calm down, sweetie, it’s fine, I soothe.  NO, it’s NOT!  she responds in typical dramatic fashion.   I smile at her histrionics and remember those days.  A few minutes later she comes back in the bathroom and says to me, your hair looks good, Mom.  What??  I say, no, no, no, it looks like CRAP right now.  I haven’t even styled it yet!  I would NEVER leave the house looking like this!  Mom, you’re crazy, your hair looks fine, she says to me.  She doesn’t see the irony of the situation.  Haha!

I’ll say this about my hair.  I want it to be pretty.  I want it to make me feel pretty.  And I always want it to make me feel sexy.  Always.   I don’t care about my nails, I don’t care about a tan.  But my hair MUST be perfect.  (Oh, I wish.  It actually does what it wants when it wants and gives me fits every day.)  And good hair makes me feel sexy.  More than clothes or jewelry, and slightly more than makeup.  Sexy hair and minimal makeup works.  Good makeup and crappy hair doesn’t work AT ALL.

My relationship with my hair, and make no mistake, it is a relationship, can be pretty rocky at times.  Three times in my life I’ve had short hair.  I kept forgetting that I HATE my hair cut short.  I was a senior in high school the first time I cut it short.  I can’t remember WHY I cut my hair short, but I did.  It wasn’t all that bad, but it just didn’t make me feel pretty.  I was about 23 when I went into the salon and decided it would be “fun” to get an entirely new look.  My stylist convinced me to go short.  That’s the style these days, she reasoned.  You’ll look so fashionable and up-to-date.  Off went a good 12 inches of beautiful, dark chocolate brown curls (those were the days of permed hair, if you can remember that far back).  Maybe more.  It was all over the ground around me.  Convinced I was going to look “soooo cute”, I was happy to see it all gone.  For about two days, that is.

Fast forward about 15 years.  I’m having a hormone induced fit about my hair.  I can’t do anything with it.  I have spent the last half an hour messing with it and it still looks crappy.  It sucks.  I HATE it and want to chop it all off!!!!!  So I impulsively jump into the car and drive up the road to the no-appointment-needed salon.  I plop myself down in the chair and say, I’m SICK of this hair.  Chop it ALL OFF!  After a dubious, are you sure?  And me answering a decisive YES!  My little stylist happily obliged.  Those stylists can’t wait to get their evil little scissors into long hair.  Snip, snip, snip, and my hair is short.  Not as short as the last time (which in my hormonal fit I had completely forgotten about) but still, pretty darn short for me.  Once again, it took about as long for me to regret it as it did for my PMS to go away.  About two days.  Then it took me three years to grow it out to an acceptable length.  Since then I’ve kept it long.  My advice to my daughter just the other day:  Never, NEVER, EVER get your hair cut when you have PMS.  You WILL regret it.

It’s really long now, it brushes just below my bra strap down my back. I just measured it and it’s 24 inches from crown to ends.  My long hair makes me feel sensuous and sexy.  My hair is like lingerie or sexy shoes.  It’s much better, actually, because it’s something Conan absolutely LOVES.  It makes me look and feel good.  I like the feel of it brushing against my bare skin.  It spreads invitingly out on a pillow.  It falls, a feminine curtain, around my face.  It pools on Conan’s stomach and thighs.   It is just long enough to almost cover…

All right, enough about me.  I think women want their hair to be sexy or sassy or cute or pretty, and if it is, we feel better about ourselves and that translates into feeling better sexually, too.  I also think that our hair and how we take care of it says a lot about how we feel about ourselves in general.  That’s just been my observation, of course, no scientific studies or anything, so feel free to completely disagree.   I think a woman who likes her hair is more likely to like herself!

Now, what happens when our hair starts to turn gray?  Most of us color it, some of us let it go.  This has been bothering me for a couple years, now.   I still have very little gray.  In fact, it has just been this year that I can see it without picking through my hair to find the grays.  For the last five years or so I’ve simply plucked out the few grays that grow in. When I found my first gray hair I screamed (literally) bloody murder and scared the crap out of Conan.  He got extremely put out with me and told me never to do that again.  I told him don’t worry, I wouldn’t, because my life was officially over and he might as well start digging my grave and kill me.  (You don’t wonder where my daughter gets it anymore, do you?)

I may not be screaming anymore, but it is incredibly depressing to see those gray hairs.  Blah.  I’ve reached the point where I need to start coloring my hair.   This whole business makes me feel extremely UN-sexy.  Call me vain, shallow, narcissistic, I don’t mind, Conan’s been calling me those things for years, HA!  I HATE that I’m getting older and getting wrinkles and gray hair.  HATE IT!  And I’m having to adjust my thinking about sex just a bit again.   Oh, sure, I was pleasantly surprised at 40 when I didn’t shrivel up and die on the spot and my sex drive charged up like a Lamborghini, but NOW, what about being a gray-haired old lady grandma?

Oh, and why is it okay for men to go gray but not for women?  Just a little graying at the temples hints at maturity, strength, character, and is just a bit sexy.  On a man.   Graying temples on a woman makes me think that woman has been neglecting herself, at the very least.  Sexy it is NOT.  Blah to that.    (Sorry if that’s judgmental, it’s my one character flaw!) And OMG!  What about gray hairs “down there”???  Gasp!  Okay, that settles it, I’m bare for life or until I’m physically unable to de-hair myself anymore.

So I tried coloring my hair a couple years ago.  What a horrible thing that was.  I could tell it wasn’t the same color and it was a little bit red.  I HATED it.  Can you see all that redness on the ends?

Don’t get me wrong, I like red hair.  It’s beautiful.  On some one else!  If you want to have red hair, natural or otherwise, go  for it!  But I DO NOT want red hair.  My hair is chocolate brown.  Dark chocolate brown.  And I want to keep it that way.  I am petrified of trying to color it again.   If I want to get rid of that pesky gray hair I’m going to have to try again, though.  SIGH.  I suppose that any color is better than gray, so what am I crying about?  I’m saying a long, drawn out goodbye to my youth, that’s what, and it isn’t pleasant.

How’s a girl supposed to feel sexy with wrinkles and gray hair?  I don’t know yet.   I do know one thing, I’m not going to let wrinkles and gray hair stop me from enjoying myself in bed, that is for sure.  The days of denying myself and Conan pleasure because of my perceived flaws are loooooonnnng gone.  I’ve learned that much over the years.  No matter how we look or how old we get, we still want and need a good orgasm.  Or two.  Or more.  :)  Gray hairs be damned.

It’s time to start shopping for a good color, I suppose.

Guy Valentine’s Day

March Madness is here.  Conan loves college hoops almost as much as he loves football.  Or wait, does he love it more?  I’m not sure.  :)

I grew up in a very non-sports family.  We did not play sports and we did not watch them, either.  I knew nothing about sports.  PE was torture for me.  Learning (or not learning) to play basketball in high school was a disaster.  Don’t even mention “pivot foot” to me!  GRRRRRRRRRRR!  I simply could not understand it.  Since I’m 5’10″ people were always asking me if I played basketball.  Um, no.  It’s actually laughable.  I can’t throw, catch, hit, pitch, kick or whatever else there is to do with a ball.   The closest I got to sports was being a cheerleader.  I know you’re thinking, how could she be a cheerleader and know nothing about sports?  First of all, my abilities as a cheerleader were questionable, and it would have been a mistake for me to pick out the cheers (my favorite cheer was “sack that quarterback.”  I had no idea what a quarterback was, and I didn’t know what it meant to sack one.  Whenever I’d ask if we could do that cheer, the other girls would say, NO, we have the ball!  Well, what’s that got to do with it???), secondly I couldn’t do the splits or a cartwheel, but I had a big smile and was very enthusiastic and adored it and had more fun than a girl should be allowed being a cheerleader.

Anyway, when Conan and I got married I had no idea what a sports fan he was.  I certainly didn’t know what March Madness was!  It took me a few years, but  I finally started recognizing, Oh, it’s that March thing again!  The time when I’m not allowed to speak for fear that Conan will miss something those guys on ESPN say.  (This was before DVR,  But even now I’m not allowed to be noisy when they’re doing whatever it is they do during the month of March.)  The time for “Brackets” and “Final Four” and games on TV day and night and boys crying on the court when they lose (which breaks my heart) and things being thrown at the TV when the wrong team wins (before the plasma.  No one is allowed to throw anything even remotely in the direction of the plasma!)

What does this have to do with Guy Valentine’s Day?  Nothing!  :)  It’s just all there used to be in March.  A few years ago I discovered something much more fun that happens in March.  March 14th, Guy Valentine’s Day, otherwise known as Steak and Blowjob Day. (Steakandbjday.com)  Oh, yes!  It’s a real day.  I’m not including the link to the official site because although the home page is tame and you won’t get hit with any porn there, you will find porn links on at least one of their side links.  So go there at your own risk.  If you do go there, be sure to watch their little video.  It is absolutely hysterical!  (And safe.) They also have some naughty little cards you can print out to surprise your man with.  Ribald little rhymes that are very funny but a little TOO risque to put an example here. (You can safely click on their card link without getting any porn.)

When I first heard of it, I surprised Conan with one of those little cards and a bottle of flavored lube and then served him a delicious rib eye steak and mashed potatoes dinner.  mmmmm.  Then…..He enjoyed his “Guy Valentine’s Day”!  And we’ve been celebrating it ever since.  I’ve told all my girlfriends about this day. (Well, all my bunco friends, anyway.  My church friends and I are not on that intimate of terms.  I am going visiting teaching today…maybe…well, no, never mind!)

So now March is fun for Conan in two ways.  March Madness and Steak and BJ Day.  And I get a big kick out of this little “holiday” and get so pleased with myself over my awesomeness that I can ignore all that basketball all month long!

All Your Ducks in a Row

Okay, my friends, let’s try this again.  I was having technical difficulties when this post mistakenly popped up half done the other day.

Today I was looking at the pictures I posted of me in my new, hot shoes.  Do you think that I was just looking at the shoes and how hot they are?  Well, no.  I’m a woman, so here’s what I saw.  ”OMG, I need to vacuum that rug! Oh, no!  My baseboard is all scuffed and needs to be cleaned!  How embarrassing!  Look at those floors.  They could use a good wash and shine.”  Then I went downstairs and physically looked at the walls, floors, and baseboards, and came to the conclusion that I need to go on the show Horders, Buried Alive, because omg, What A Mess!

Women can be very task oriented.  We have A List.  We have Thinks To Do.  And we don’t understand why you guys don’t have the same priorities.  Why can’t you guys see All There Is To Do?  You want to do what?  Wait, the dishes aren’t done!  There’s laundry in the dryer!  I didn’t vacuum today!  I’m not ready.  I can’t relax when there are dishes in the sink.  So you talk us into it anyway, and we are trying to get into it but can’t shut the bedroom door on the dishes.  They’re out there, as persistent as any child saying, “Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom”, over and over, and they’re saying, “Come wash me, come wash me!  You horrible housekeeper, you, how can you leave me dirty in the sink??  All this food is going to be stuck on me in the morning!”  For all you ladies shuddering over leaving dishes in the sink overnight, and for my grandmother rolling over in her grave, don’t think I’m advocating it, haha!  It’s just an example.  In fact, it could very easily be something much less significant, like today’s mail.  But it’s on The List, and it’s Not Done.

So we can’t relax and enjoy.  Then we get resentful.  ”Well, if he cared for me one iota, he’d know I can’t do this when there are dishes in the sink.  Oh, that man!”  And our husband thinks, “Why would she want to do DISHES instead of sex?  How can doing dishes possibly rate as a higher priority????”

Lots of people want all their ducks in a row before they do anything.  Especially something that might be considered nonessential or even just for fun.  For example, I have this cross stitch I’ve been working on.  For 15 years.  It sits there and mocks me, “ha ha ha, you’ll never be caught up enough work on me again, let alone finish me.”  It’s the very symbol of my ineptitude as a housekeeper and a mother.  Every time I see it I feel inadequate.  Now, I would enjoy doing that cross stitch, but I’ve put it last on my list.  I’ll do it after (insert multiple tasks here). I know what you’re thinking, well, she’s doing this blog, she must have some free time.  Okay, so maybe I don’t LOVE cross stitching.  Maybe I hate it.  Did I just say I would enjoy doing it?  I think I meant I would enjoy getting it done and then burning it.  So there it is, half done, mocking me.  Can any of you relate?   I’d rather scrub toilets than work on that cross stitch.  Better, I’d rather have sex 24/7 than work on that %!*# cross stitch.  In fact, I’m going to go throw it out right now!

…..

Okay, it’s in the garbage, but it’s screaming at me to get it out.  Will power, I need will power!   Moving on…where was I going with this???  I’m not sure–I’ll make it work somehow.

We have all these tasks to do during the day.  And if we don’t do them, it’s just going to be worse tomorrow.  And we are thinking, okay, after I get my list all crossed off, I’ll want to have sex.  After everything is just right, then I’ll feel like I can relax and enjoy.  Or even, fine, if I must put sex on my list, it’s going at the bottom of it.  It can wait.  Well, it really CAN’T wait.  The thing is, the dishes the laundry, the mail, all those tasks are recurring.  They’ll NEVER truly be done.  Our List will never be crossed off completely.  And the hour you could have spent loving your spouse can never be regained.  I’ll do it later is not a good strategy for your love life.  And just think–if you’re the person being put at the bottom of the list, under dishes, cleaning the toilet or going through the junk mail,  how horrible that must feel!

There are just certain things that have to be prioritized.  And sex is one of them.  If your List is calling, calling, calling you, you’ve got to do your best to ignore it for an hour or so at least a few days a week.  I think you’ll feel better for it!  I mean, really, orgasm or dishes?  Hmmm, that’s a tough one!  Um, I’ll take the orgasms, thank you!

So ignore that stupid cross stitch yelling at you from the garbage!  Oh!  I mean the endless List of tasks we have.  And spend some fun time with your spouse.  If you have to put it on the list so that it’ll get done, put it on the list.  At the top!  That’s something you won’t regret.

 

Lingerie

I just bought the cutest pair of shoes from Shoe Dazzle!

They are HOT!  I love shoes.  Especially sexy shoes.  And I feel so very sexy IN those sexy shoes.   I’m very tall already, but I OWN my height and don’t mind being over six feet tall in my high heels.  Sadly, I don’t own very many pairs of sexy shoes, because Conan hates feet and anything to do with feet, including shoes.  He only thinks that feet should always be IN shoes, and that’s about as far as it goes.    My high school boyfriend actually had one (yes, just one) thing going for him, and that was that he would always give me a fantastic foot rub after basketball and football games ( I didn’t play, I cheered).  Oh, I loved that soooooo much.  Conan refuses to touch my feet.  I don’t think he’d touch my feet with latex gloves on.  And my feet are not gross, okay?  They’re just fine.  No bunions, calluses, cracked heels, yucky toenails, nothing.  Just long, like the rest of me.  But I digress.

Because Conan could not care less about lingerie and sexy shoes etc, I haven’t indulged in them very much.  In fact, he thinks they are a waste of money and so gives me a hard time if I spend money on things like that, so over the years I just haven’t purchased many things that make me feel sexy.  But that is changing for me.  I want to feel sexy and beautiful, and so I’m going to buy things that make me feel that way.   That’s why I bought those fantastic shoes.  That and I’m tired of denying myself things I like just because Conan doesn’t think they’re important.

Yes, Conan does not care about lingerie.   Shock!!!   When we first got married, in fact on our honeymoon, I brought several very sexy, very beautiful items of lingerie.  Lace, satin, soft, sexy, feminine, racy, demure, red, white, black, pink, lots of stuff!  And let me tell you, I was very, very VERY deflated at Conan’s complete lack of enthusiasm when I presented myself to him in  them.  I mean, he had zero things to say about them.  Oh, except that he didn’t care and would I please just take it off.  Talk about a downer.  :(    I tried a different one each night, and got the same reaction each time, so my pretty things went into a drawer when we got home, and then a box, and then the garbage within a couple years.  :(

Now, I truly, truly wish I’d gotten a different reaction from Conan.  That was one of the things that contributed to my lack of sex drive later.  But Conan is who he is and didn’t know that.  I didn’t really understand it either, at the time.

Here’s what you do, guys, to make your wife feel good about being in lingerie for you.  Growl a sexy growl.  Tell her she’s beautiful.  Tell her you love seeing her that way.  Be enthusiastic!  That should put a smile on her face and touch her heart, as well.

I imagine most of you have had a completely different experience than I had.  You guys probably love, love LOVE lingerie and just can’t seem to get your wife to wear enough of it!   And then there are probably some really lucky couples who agree in that area, too.  The man loves to see it and the woman loves to wear it.  Lucky you!!

Ladies, do you like to wear lingerie?  Does it make you feel sexy?  Even if we don’t look like a Victoria’s Secret model (Hey, even the models don’t look like their photoshopped pictures!)  we can still wear pretty things.   I like wearing pretty clothes, jewelry, shoes, etc.  It makes me feel good.  So does wearing lingerie!  Or do you wear nothing but sweats and a ratty t-shirt to bed night after night?   Okay, so some lingerie is not very practical for sleeping in, true.  But there are lots of pretty things out there that are also good for sleeping in.  Pre-temple days I wore just a short nightie or t-shirt.  I get waaayy to hot for anything else.  Now I sleep in just the Gs.  But I know most women like to sleep in some kind of night wear.  Why not make it pretty or cute or a bit sexy sometimes?

You could always go with the hoodie-footie if you get really cold at night ha ha ha!!

Guys, do you like, love, or feel indifferent to lingerie?  Wish your wife would wear more of it?  Less of it?   Let us ladies know what you think and what you’d like.  I want to know!

And this is one girl who is going to be acquiring some fun, pretty, sexy things–not for Conan, just for me.  To make me feel good, pretty, sexy, all that.   If Conan likes it, too, all the better.

What’s So Wrong With the Missionary Position?

My BFF and I were talking the other day and the subject of sex came up.  Imagine that!  ha ha!  I can’t remember how the conversation got there, but I asked her, “What’s so wrong with the missionary position, anyway?”  She said, “I know, right!”  That got me to thinking.  Really–what’s wrong with it?

Here’s what’s right about it:

• You can wrap your arms and legs around your man.
• You can kiss
• You can look into each others eyes
• Your man can pin your hands above your head–mmm
• Or you can have your hands free to touch lots of places and do lots of things
• It’s a flattering position, and if you have figure flaws they’re less likely to be seen
• It can make you (as a woman) feel safe, cherished, held and loved
• It’s romantic
• It’s sexy

That all sounds very nice, doesn’t it?  Mmmhmm.

So what’s wrong with it?  I think it’s the thought that it’s the ONLY position that’s allowed.   That you’re lying there, checked out.   That you’re doing your duty.  Lie back and think of England.   You don’t have to contribute to what’s happening.    And lets face it, even your very favorite thing can become old if that’s all you ever have.

So break out of your rut if you’re in one.  You don’t have to hang from the rafters!  In fact, there are some positions that are quite laughable in my opinion.  I’m wondering where the pleasure comes in when you’re trying to bend in some way that humans weren’t meant to bend!  But let’s mix it up a little.  Don’t be so quick to say, I don’t want it that way.

Why don’t some women want some other positions?  Here’s what I’ve heard about the flip side:  Rear entry is degrading.  It’s not intimate.  It’s animalistic.  It just seems nasty.  I hate the term “doggy style”.  I feel like a piece of meat.

Honestly, your husband is probably not thinking, I would like to make my wife feel like a whore.  What he’s probably thinking is, I’d like to make my wife feel good!  I’d like to get a good view of my wife!  So what if it’s called “doggy style”?  Don’t call it that if you don’t like it.  If you think it’s animalistic, well, okay.  But there are lots of things that animals do that we do, too.  Animals nurse their young, for instance.  That’s not gonna stop you from doing it, is it?  And not all sex is  soft, sweet, and slow.  It’s not supposed to be.  You want it to feel good, don’t you?  Yes, the missionary position is awesome, fun, and all the things I listed.  But sometimes you’ve gotta step it up!   I encourage you to get over your shyness, your discomfort, your insecurities.  Allow yourself to just go with it and enjoy!

How Long is Too Long?

Hello, and Happy New Year!  I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday season and you’re all ready to take on the new year.  I had a lovely holiday with family and friends, old and new.  Christmas was as close to perfect as Christmas can get (for this girl, anyway), and New Year’s Eve was super, super fun.  I’ve now celebrated New Year’s Eve with my best friends for 21 years in a row.  I don’t know what I’d do without those girls.  AND I managed to NOT gain any weight over the holidays, in fact, I lost five pounds.  Woo Hoo!!!

Yes, this is still a blog about sex, so I’ll get on with it, already!

How long can you go without sex before you either start to want to chew nails or you completely shut down sexually?   If you’re not having sex, is it better to try to completely forget about it or masturbate and fantasize by yourself?  What if your body did shut down sexually?  Then your spouse decides she/he wants sex and you’re supposed to want it again as if everything is just peachy.  How are you supposed to fire it up again?

If I wasn’t having sex, wasn’t getting any sexual attention, and wasn’t thinking about sex at all, my body would shut down.  Okay, well, maybe  that’s not such a bad thing.  No sex, but also no sexual feelings.   No, I take it back.  It would be a bad thing.  I LIKE sexual attention and sexual feelings.  I would miss that and be sad.

So how long is too long?  A week?  A month?  Or, more precisely, if your frequency was always once a week or once a month,  or, tragically, less, and that wasn’t just an anomaly, how long could you continue that way before having an adverse reaction?

Even worse is what starts to happen mentally and emotionally.  Do the little annoying things your spouse does start to  bother you?  Do you get angry at him/her more easily?   Do you start to discount when he/she says “I love you, honey”?  Do you think, “Yeah, sure you do.” ?  If you’re a woman, do you cry?  If you’re a man?

There’s so much emotion tied up in sex, isn’t there?  I don’t think I could have a sexual relationship and not become emotionally attached anymore than I could be in love and not become (or want to become) sexually involved.    For me, at least, it would be impossible to separate the two.  So, does love start to wane when your sexual relationship is tanking??  Or do you just chalk it up to the ups and downs of marriage, remember you love your spouse, and wait for an up time?

Conan and I said we loved each other when our frequency was three times a month or so.  But I think it was watered down love–not as good as it could have been.

I know we need to always show our love for our spouses, even if things aren’t perfect.  Then, when/if things do improve,  we don’t have so much ground to make up.

What do you think?

Expected Sex

What does your husband want for his birthday?  The average, red blooded male wants SEX!  I’m pretty sure that’s what he wants for Valentines Day, Father’s Day, your wedding anniversary, Christmas and New Year’s.

Why is it hard for some of us to give our husbands what they want for these events?  This is the question our guys just can’t figure out.  First of all, you don’t have to shop for it.  Secondly, it’s FREE!  Plus, it’s what they really want!  Most importantly, it’s a gift that gives back, in a very nice way.

Oh, sure, there are other things that you don’t have to shop for and are free, like making a coupon for free hugs and backrubs (with no happy ending, I mean) or his favorite dinner or something, but I’m going to go out on a limb and say that a coupon for a free hug is not gonna cut it!  (The dinner will be appreciated, though, I’m sure!)  Anyway, I remember a time when expected sex just made me more standoffish than ever.  It really irritated me to think that I was expected to put out at those times.  That’s why I’ve written about being sexually giving, enthusiastically giving, etc., because I clearly remember when I wasn’t any of those things.  I was selfish.  I could not or did not care about Conan’s feelings, or, more kindly, didn’t understand and didn’t try to understand his feelings.   Recently, I’ve been somewhat on the receiving end of this.  I’m debating whether or not to blog about it–someday, maybe.  But I will tell you I know how it feels, now.  And that feeling is NOT GOOD AT ALL.  A big hug, little smooch and a “Happy [fill in the day], honey, I love you,” even if you mean it, before rolling over and going to sleep is small consolation for rejection.    That won’t make your spouse feel loved and cherished.  Actions speak louder than words.

If you love giving gifts, if your spouse loves receiving gifts, that’s great!  Go out and shop your little heart out.  But if what he or she really wants is to make love to you or be made love to, make that their number one present!

I’m going to give you a pass on Christmas Eve.  Especially if you’re like me and are up wrapping gifts ’til 3:00 a.m.  while your husband peacefully slumbers, allowing you to do all the work.  (I’m not sure Conan has ever wrapped a gift in his entire life, truthfully.)  Anyway, after an eventful day of last minute shopping, cooking, family gatherings, wrestling with kids to get them to go to bed, and THEN wrapping the gifts, all this girl wants is my fluffy pillow and sleep!!!  (Yes, if I was Ms. Superwoman and had all my gifts wrapped and ready to go beforehand, I could go to bed with my husband.  Ms. Superwoman I”m not.  Maybe this year–I still have a few days.)  You do not get a pass if your husband helps you with everything and you go to bed before midnight, haha!

Do you want sex in celebration of holidays and major events like anniversaries and birthdays?  Do you give sex for those events?  Why or why not?

Merry Christmas!

Sex Toys

Conan and I had been married for a few years but didn’t have any children together yet (so I imagine I was between 21 and 23 or so) when we decided to take a trip up to Vancouver, BC for the weekend.  It was a lot of fun!  One of the most memorable moments up there was when we were sightseeing and decided to go into a specialty shop and look around.  And by specialty shop I mean SEX TOY Shop!  This was my first look at anything like that.  (I’d heard of vibrators, dildos and such before, but never seen any.  This was back in ancient times, remember, and there was no internet.)  I was soooo embarrassed!  Plus I was young enough to be a bit giggly and juvenile about it, ha ha!  Even so, I was fascinated with everything I saw there.  The two things that were burned into my brain were a dildo that was as big as my forearm and had a suction cup on the bottom of it so you could stick it on whatever surface and use it hands free!  And a swing with a dildo ON it!   W.O.W.  My eyes about popped out of my head everywhere I looked.

I have had lots of fun and laughs over the years talking about that hands free dildo with my BFFs, but never thought I’d actually ever get any kind of sex toy.  (I never have tried that hands free one, I’ll just tell you that right now!)

I did eventually get a sex toy.  I got a  hard plastic, turbo-shaped, purple vibrator.  It was interesting and fun solely because it was such a novel experience.  We tried it a number of ways but it didn’t really do a whole lot for me.  First of all, it was cold, and second of all the vibrations were pretty weak, in my opinion.  Later, we decided to try a different kind.  We got one that is like a Rabbit.  I don’t know if it is an actual Rabbit, I can’t remember that far back,  but it is shaped like a real penis, and it is made of squishy plastic instead of hard plastic.   It is also purple.  (Conan’s favorite color is purple.  Because of the U of WA Huskies!) Anyway, it has those little bunny ears that are supposed to rest on the clitoris and vibrate while you penetrate with the penis.  Once again, I didn’t like it.  It was cold, too.  And whatever nasty plastic they used to make the thing smelled horrible!  I just went and got it out of my drawer.  It still smells horrible.  And the little bunny ears worked about as well as me leaning up against the washing machine during the spin cycle, ha ha!  Meaning not at all.  Still, we tried it out several times.  We tried both of them together.  We got good and creative.   But they just didn’t do much for me.  I know other women love their Rabbits, but they just don’t work for my body.  Why do I even still have those things, you ask?  I really don’t know.  They just sit in the drawer year after year, hahaha!

Fast forward a few years, (I really have no idea how many) and I discovered the bullet vibe.   Conan and I talked about it and decided to go get one.  We got in the car with our new purchase and Conan practically begged me to use it right there.  I did.  He still remembers the street we were on.  Ummm, I kind of don’t, I was busy.  ;-)   Now, up until this point I was a one and done girl.   I was always soooo jealous of my BFFs, because THEY could have multiples without even batting an eye.  But no matter what we had done thus far, one was it for me.  But this night, with my new little bullet vibe, I had five, count them, five Os IN A ROW.  I fell in love with that little bullet.  It was my new best friend.   We wore the thing out and had to go get a new one.  We actually wore a couple of them out.

I’m so thankful for bullet vibrators because they taught me that I could be multi-orgasmic.  (I am happy to say that, now, if I was only having five or less I would be highly disappointed.)     It’s still amazing to me that one day I can only have one and the next day I can have several!

But something strange happened.  We got so that Conan could give me lots of Os with no need for the bullet vibe, and then the bullet stopped working for me.  I haven’t been able to figure that one out.  It would just buzz away, feeling pleasant, but not producing the same results.  Since we had just about worn it out anyway, I just threw it away and never replaced it.  I certainly didn’t NEED it anymore!

So now it’s been seven or eight years since I got my first bullet.  And last year I decided to try a new sex toy.  I didn’t do my research very well, but what I wanted was something that I could use hands free (No, NOT the one with the suction cup on the bottom!) during intercourse.  I sooo want to orgasm DURING intercourse.  So we purchased this:

It’s a bullet vibe that you strap onto yourself.  The theory is lots of great stimulation without having to think about it or hold onto it.  Once again, while the buzzing sensations are nice, it did NOT do the trick.  And can I just say I felt like a complete moron trying to get it strapped on, and once it was on I felt I looked ridiculous.  Anyway, sad to say, this didn’t work, either.  I even popped the bullet out of it’s little butterfly and tried to use it that way once, but it was a no go.  :(

A few months ago I learned about something called a Hitachi Magic Wand.  Hmmmmm.  I was intrigued.  I really liked what I saw.  I asked Conan if I could get one.  He laughed a bit at me but gave the okay.   It arrived not long before our romantic weekend in early November.

We took it with us.  This Hitachi is no joke.  The handle is about a foot long, so even though it’s not hands free it’s very easy to use.  The vibrating part is about the size of a tennis ball, which makes it simple to apply to the right spots.  It is not battery operated, it PLUGS IN.  It has two speeds.  The low speed will make you see fireworks and the high speed will drain the power grid and trip your breaker.  You will forget your own name.  How could I not have heard of this baby before???  It gets RESULTS.

I tried it through my jeans and within 60 seconds it blew me away.  Used against bare skin I thought I’d died and gone to heaven.  Conan commented later that he thinks I woke up everyone within a 10 yard radius. *blush*

I could not keep this to myself and so I told my BFFs all about my new toy.

That’s my experience with sex toys.   I still prefer Conan to any toy, but I’m super glad for those toys, just the same, and am looking forward to wearing out a few magic wands!

Tips:  I have recently heard about glass toys.  You can heat them up in warm water before you use them so they won’t be COLD!  Yay!  That’s going to be my next purchase when I get around to getting another toy.

Shop Erotic is a tasteful online shop and you can find just about anything your little heart desires there.  From lube and vibrators to whips, blindfolds and restraints.  Hmmmm.

Simply Sweet Marriage  is a good online store by LDS people and is a very nice site where you can get lots of good stuff.